Fictional News Report About Dr. Hannibal Lector
This just in! Well known cannibalistic psychiatrist Dr. Hannibal Lector wasn’t hungry enough for a full meal but he did feel like having some fingers as an appetizer. It has been reported that singer M.I.A.’s middle finger is M.I.A.
Little Red Riding Hood Updated
Little Red Riding Hood went walking through the forest
listening on her iPod to the Hallelujah chorus
she was wearing a red short skirt
she was wanting to flirt
being a girl of 24
she walked to the Wolf’s door
She banged on the door and said “Let me in, let me in
for I feel inclined to sin, sin, sin!”
Hallelujah said the Big Bad Wolf opening the door-us
in accompaniment to the Hallelujah chorus
He noticed her red short skirt, red silk nylons and red spiked stilettos
such as was never seen before in these here forest ghettoes
My wolfie, what a big – - – - you have
she bent down and rubbed her calve
when you do that it’s even bigger
said Wolfie with a swigger
she bent down on all fours on the rug
and gave his leg a playful tug
the bigger the better she said
this playful girl dressed in red
now I want to see your bed.
she looked at the ornaments on his open door
what big knockers you have
she dropped her shawl to the floor.
Not as big as yours my dear
I feel it getting hot in here
the wolf took off his sheep sweater
she smiled sweetly the bigger the better
the tighter the sweater
do you like to play with leather?
she brought out a riding crop
and then unbuttoned her see-through top
and poor Wolfie came so quickly
his cottage floor needed a mop.
-An erotic poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Friday evening October 28th 2011.
The Rhino Was A Wino
The rhino was a wino
he drank wine so fine
sparkling from the Valley of the Rhine
and dry- a Napa Valley high
whose bouquet was like the sky.
A little Chardonnay here
occasionally a glass of beer
for he was the most interesting rhino in the world
and many an interesting tale he unfurled
in a Milan bistro
or a London disco
or a Paris cafe
or with a San Francisco gay.
His adventures he told
with a little Merlot
and when he got on the Cabernet
with some oysters flambe
he slept in the next day.
With Riesling and Pinot Noir
his nose danced quite far
as he sniffed the aroma
like a winetasters’ diploma.
And then one fine day
while he baked his souffle
his kidneys and liver gave out
he fell over on his snout.
But he died one happy Rhino
unlike his pallbearer
a polar bear called Albino
who developed a hernia- kindo
or maybe kinda
that came from carrying
the intoxicated reminda
of the rhinoceros finda’
of many a fine wine-a.
-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Monday evening June 27th 2011.
How World War III Will Begin
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was spending YET another boring Friday night hooked up to the computer in the Set Laboratories Lab.
Michelangelo decided yet again that he’d entertain himself by entering the dreams of the comatose Renfield R. Renfield who was laying in a hospital bed in King’s College Hospital, London.
Using current events from watching BBC World News, Michelangelo decided that he would project a documentary from the far future into Renfield R. Renfield’s dreaming mind.
The female BBC Documentary Announcer from the future intoned, “Coming up next on BBC Documentary Channel our award-winning documentary How World War III Began…”
The program starts.
The voice of the male narrator began the intro,
“World War III would start in the year 2100. It would begin when the City of Vancouver lost yet another game 7 of a Stanley Cup NHL Hockey Championship- the 21st time in history it had done so. This time however the rioters in the streets would have access to nuclear weapons which they would use and send the whole world into a nuclear conflagration of the worst magnitude that would take the Earth centuries to recover…”
Renfield R. Renfied being the deranged psychopathic shapeshifter hamster/human that he was could not help but grin in his sleep as he watched all the carnage and destruction being shown him in his dream.
To be continued.
Renfield’s Dream of the Soup Nazi and Osama bin Laden
As Renfield R. Renfield lay still unconscious in his hospital bed in King’s College Hospital, London, Michelangelo the psychic lobster (who had been genetically engineered to have psychic abilities) was in his aquarium in the Set Enterprises’ Lab.
At the computer Michelangelo had one of his antennae hooked up to, Michelangelo decided to enter Renfield’s mind and implant images in his dreams.
The first image was from a TV show- a rerun of an old Seinfeld episode.
The episode about the Soup Nazi.
The image Renfield saw in his dream was of the Soup Nazi taking away a bowl of soup from George Costanza.
The Soup Nazi wagged his finger at George Costanza and said, “No soup for you.”
The next image Michelangelo created himself and implanted in Renfield’s mind.
The image was of Osama bin Laden standing outside the Gates of Paradise only to be greeted by the Archangel Gabriel.
“Where are the 72 dark-eyed virgins that the Quran promised me?” Osama asked.
The Archangel Gabriel wagged his finger at Osama and said, “No virgins for you.”
He then booted the terrorist down to the flames of Hell.
Renfield R. Renfield was forced to guffaw in his sleep as he saw this.
To be continued.
Amadeus’ Surprise
Renfield R. Renfield was feeling depressed.
He still had not received an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton’s Royal Wedding at Westminster Abbey this coming Friday and time was running out.
He still had not picked up a tuxedo not wanting to spend any money unless he was definitely going.
Then to top it off the guy he had killed last Friday (as an act of vengeance for the fellow stealing the last tuna fish sandwich on a plate that Renfield had wanted at a party two years ago) the Death Heavy Metal Lord Stryker had apparently risen from the dead this past Easter Sunday morning according to the radio broadcast of Coast To Coast AM With George Noory he had heard on short wave from the U.S. last night.
He did not bother opening the mansion front door when he heard a knock.
Instead Amadeus Emanon who was still busy eating all the chocolate Easter Bunnies and chocolate Easter eggs he had got last Sunday was forced to go answer it.
It was the post man with a registered letter for Mister Amadeus Emanon.
Amadeus signed for it with his chocolatey fingers to which the Royal Mail letter carrier harrumphed before leaving.
He then opened the letter with his chocolate covered fingers and smiled.
“What is it?” Renfield asked out of curiosity.
“It’s from Buckingham Palace,” Amadeus smiled a most alluring smile, “they apologized for being so late but here’s my personal invitation to William and Kate’s wedding this Friday.”
“What the F—?” Renfield’s face turned redder than a Communist lobster in heat and the throes of sexual passion, “how the Hell did you get an invitation to the Royal Wedding and I didn’t?.”
“Remember a few weeks ago,” Amadeus calmly bit into another chocolate Easter Bunny, “when I was invited to give that Johann Sebastian Bach piano recital at St. Martin’s Church in the Lincolnshire city of Stamford?”.
“The one you invited me to go with you and I turned it down because I said who wants to visit some hick place in the sticks of England?” Renfield started involuntarily sprouting his hamster whiskers.
“That’s the one,” Amadeus then bit into a chocolate Easter egg, “anyhow it turns out Kate Middleton’s parents were in Stamford that day and they dropped into Saint Martin’s Church for my recital of Bach. They were so impressed with my virtuoso performance they said they would try to get me an invitation to their daughter and Will’s wedding. Then they asked me if I had any friends with me that would like to go. Athelstan was with me so they said they would try to get him in.”
Athelstan was the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
As Amadeus finished the story and finished his egg, Athelstan came in from the kitchen looked pleased as punch.
“I just got a registered letter at the kitchen back door,” Athelstan beamed so highly that it looked like his smile reached the beams of the high-ceilinged living room of the colossal mansion, “I’ve been invited to the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.”
Renfield started banging his own head on the table next to him.
An hour later he finally knocked himself out.
To be continued.
Goo and Gum and Gnashing of Teeth
Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon are watching the BBC News on television.
“More on our main story on the death of financier Trevor Fontaine later,” the BBC News announcer intoned, “but in other news a body that was found in the street below the hotel where Mr. Fontaine was eaten by grey goo self-replicating nanobots has now been identified. The body that was apparently drained of all its blood has been identified as that of London’s notorious Russian Mafia hitman Dmitri Ibumpuov. Further reports suggest that the night after Mr. Ibumpuov was brought into the Scotland Yard morgue, the body mysteriously disappeared. There are rumours that Mr. Ibumpuov is now a vampire.”
“Wow, a vampire assassin,” Amadeus Emanon munched on his popcorn.
“Might come in handy some day,” Renfield sent a text message to the Assassins For Hire On-Line Employment Bulletin Board that said, “Anybody there called Dmitri Ibumpuov?”.
“Getting back to our main story, authorities still have no idea who created the grey goo self-replicating nanobots that ate Mr. Fontaine,” the BBC announcer said, “and whether it was part of a plot to stop the new global currency that Mr. Fontaine was working on. As for the grey goo self-replicating nanobots themselves, they apparently choked to death trying to eat a huge wad of bubble gum that had been left on the hotel hallway carpet.”
“So it looks like the nanobots you made weren’t so indestructible after all,” Amadeus remarked as he blew a huge bubble with his bubble gum.
“Harrumph,” Renfield snorted.
“And still in other news, eccentric London concert pianist Amadeus Emanon somehow inadvertently wandered into a press conference where the Prince of Wales was lamenting the tragic death of financier Trevor Fontaine… here are some clips from that…”
“You were at a press conference with the Prince of Wales?” Renfield’s ears turned fiery red, “you never told me that.”
On the screen,
Amadeus Emanon: Tell me your Highness, if you found out who it was that created the grey goo self-replicating nanobots that ate Mr. Fontaine, would you invite such a person to your son Prince William’s wedding?
Prince Charles: You must be joking. I didn’t quite catch your name Mr. …?
“Emanon,” Amadeus replied.
“Emanon,” the prince nodded, “and what news outlet are you with?”.
“The Shapeshifting Hamster’s Daily Toilet Paper,” Amadeus answered with a wry smile.
“Never heard of that,” said the Prince of Wales, “I’ll have to check it out sometime. But in answer to your question, no. Not only would the individual who created these grey goo self-replicating nanobots not be invited to my son’s wedding but I would personally see to it that this individual was personally hung, drawn and quartered.”
Renfield looked at the TV screen- in a total state of shock- his face completely drained of all colour.
“In other news,” the BBC News Announcer smiled, “Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has bestowed a posthumous honourary knighthood on Frank Henry Fleer the world’s first inventor of bubble gum…”
To be continued.
Grey Goo Self-Replicating Nanobots
Amadeus Emanon carefully observed what Renfield R. Renfield was doing in the Set Enterprises Lab.
He decided he had no idea what it was exactly the evil shapeshifting human/hamster was doing.
So he decided to ask him.
“What are you doing, Renfield?” Amadeus asked.
“I’m creating some grey goo self-replicating nano-robots or as some people call them grey goo self-replicating nanobots for short,” Renfield replied.
“I see,” Amadeus took another bite of his hot fudge sundae, “but why?”.
“Well as you know, I’ve been trying to get an invitation to attend Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding but as you no doubt have sadly observed I’ve failed in all my attempts to get one,” said Renfield.
“Well actually I’ve observed that but not in a sad fashion,” Amadeus stated in a remark that seemed to piss off Renfield judging from the expression on his face, “so how is creating grey goo self-replicating nanobots going to help you get an invitation to the Royal Wedding?”.
“Well shortly after the start of this century, Prince Charles gave a speech to a group of scientists in which he said that it was his fear that the world might be destroyed by grey goo self-replicating nanobots,” Renfield explained, “he was immediately laughed at by the scientists and was heavily ridiculed in the press. Some even went so far as to say that the prince was off his rocker.”
Renfield showed Amadeus a video of Prince Charles falling off his rocking horse while playing polo in the midst of a group of toy soldiers.
“Now if I can create some grey goo self-replicating nanobots and let them loose somewhere,” Renfield grinned, “this will show the world that the Prince of Wales was right in his warning and His Royal Highness will ask Will and Kate to send me an invitation to their wedding.”
“I don’t know what to say to that,” Amadeus looked at Renfield in a stunned fashion.
The heavens must have already had their opinion because seconds later Renfield fell off his rocking chair.
To be continued.
The Renfield Rap Song
My name is Renfield
so ya better yield
I’m a shapeshifter
with hamster whisker
work for a vampire called Set
so you better get
you think today’s Hell on Earth
you ain’t seen nothing yet.
I’m the coolest guy I know
feel free to bask
in my afterglow.
I want an invite to Prince William’s wedding
as well as soft sheets for my bedding.
For sandwiches I like tuna
I’ll knife but not spoon ya.
Better dead than red
though that be the colour
that you bled.
Some folks think I’m a psychopath
killed my teacher when I flunked math
now I may not know the square root of pi
but I sure as Hell know how to make you die.
Now Amadeus thinks I don’t know how to rap
but I say to him, “You’re full of crap”
This here be my song
Simon Cowell put down that gong
you better not gong me
or you’ll be up a tree
with your head hanging down
beneath your knee.
-A rap song written by Renfield R. Renfield
psychopathic shapeshifter hamster
and Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering
for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Monday evening April 11th 2011,
U.S. Secret Service Motto In Wake of Colombian Escort Scandal
April 18, 2012 at 1:52 pm (Commentary, Humour, Satire) (Colombian escort scandal, President Barack Obama, prostitution, U.S. Secret Service, U.S. Secret Service motto)
U.S. Secret Service motto:
Putting our lives on the line for the President.
Putting our dicks on the line for sexual gratification.
Putting our credit rating at risk when the escorts complain.
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