Dracul Van Helsing

He was the cowpoke they called Wayne
who some folks considered a pain,
others asked, where’s his brain?
His doc said, he’s insane.
But as far as living failures went,
he was considered one of the best
and he decided he’d be a-aheadin’ west.

So he saddled up his saddlebag
and climbed up on his horse
took a look at his compass
and decided to set course.

Westward ho! he went,
banjo somewhat bent,
he soon stumbled on a mountain pass,
he surveyed the scene while scratching his ass.

Look! There’s a tunnel there!
he said to his horse, Tiddlesquare.
Get along little Tiddle!
He played his fiddle
as his horse took a piddle.

Soon they arrived at the tunnel dark,
he found his horse a place to park
and then Wayne entered the tunnel dark
Should have brought a match
to add some spark
and a dash of light
this place’s a fright
said Wayne in the midst of this dark tunnel,
so dark, he had to pee using a funnel.

And then Wayne gave a shout of delight
for he suddenly saw a big bright light,
there was light at the end of this tunnel,
Wayne jumped for joy
before he did stumble,
his life flashed
like a clog down the drain.
For the light at the end of the tunnel
was the light from the east bound train.

-The Cowpoke They Called Wayne
A cowboy poem
written by Dracul Van Helsing
Monday, September 28th, 2009.

And so Flavius was taken to court
with handcuffs, grunts and a snort
The judge on the bench was Santa
Prosecuting attorney was Banta
For the defense
was Maj. Spence
but despite his impersonation of Perry Mason
and some lying seagulls bussed from the station
the defense all came to nought
like a leopard trying to change his spot.

And Flavius is sentenced to bed
this coming Christmas Eve.
His replacement?
The elf called Steve.

And so in Santa’s sleigh
the night before Christmas Day
there will be no Antonio Flavius
nor any sudden hiccavius
(that’s reindeerese for hiccoughs)
from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
nor Comet nor Blitzen drinking beer.
What is the cause of Rudolph’s red shiny nose?
Licking beer off Antonio Flavius’ toes!

And so Nathan De Burgh is the hero of the hour
and despite the penguin’s voice being sour
sing he will for Obama
not to mention
any future telerama.
And now ’tis the end
of our little drama
and we must bid adieu
to you and you
but on Christmas Eve
watch out for reindeer pooh!

Nathan looked up holding his cup
with steak and kid for sup
he was in a British pub
yes at the North Pole 
aye there’s the rub
and as elves came out of the tub
there was lots of soap suds
as Nathan ate his spuds.

One of the elves stopped to whistle
a sound to make mistletoes shrivel
“that doesn’t sound like an elfen voice!”,
Nathan looked up from reading his James Joyce.

He grabbed a beer from the barmaid Jenna
and looked up at an antenna
GPS would indicate
music copyright syndicate.

The elf’s whistle was Dan Pengin’s voice,
Nathan put down his James Joyce
and pulled a gun out of his underwear
this Ramboesque polar bear.

“Hands up Flavius
you pain in the avius.”

To be continued.

“Nathan De Burgh here,
I’ll have a beer,”
The bear helped himself to a frozen can
from the reindeer trough
a new brand- Quetzalquotov
Aztec beer
oh so dear
mixed with Vodka Smirnov.

It really gave quite a buzz
but don’t drive
or face the fuzz
“Nathan here,”
he drank the beer
but no reply on his cell phone
so he yawned 
and reached for an ice cream cone.

“That’ll be 50 cents,”
said Major Spence
of the North Pole army
an elf the size
of a leprechaun in Killarney.

Nathan reached into his pocket 
where he pulled out a light socket
“this is all I have,” Nathan grinned.
“I guess tonight
the Northern Lights will be twinned.”

To be continued.

And so Nathan took the case
while the penguin’s huskies
held a race
with penguin following
at great pace.

The penguin whose name was Dan
used for deodorant Ultra-Ban
a good thing 
the huskies he couldn’t outran.

And so to the North Pole Nathan went
in his Model T Ford without a dent
this rare gem he did own
along with a ring tone 
on his cell phone.

His cell phone went off 
like an Irishman’s cough
just as he spotted 
Santa’s reindeer trough.

To be continued.

Said the penguin, I am a singer
also a part-time bell ringer
I was to sing at Obama’s inaugural ball
day after election, I got the call
my manager nearly hit the walll.

But something happened, alas, alas
I need to take epsom salts for my gas
somebody has stolen my singing voice
over this, my showerhead did rejoice.
Who do you think stole your voice?
Nathan did inquire
while the penguin danced
like his pants were on fire.

Somebody at the North Pole I suspect
a certain elf gives me no respect
He put coal in my stockings last year
which caused a rash in my rear
now I always look before I put on stockings
I’m a Knight of the Garter
isn’t that shocking?

Nathan took some aspirin off the shelf
washed it down with water,
“What’s the name of this elf?”.

His name is Antonio Flavius
certainly a pain in the avius
He works for Santa
sometimes Banta
He makes loads of toys
for good girls and boys.

To be continued.