Espionage and Mozzarella Don’t Mix
British Prime Minister David Cameron was having a meeting with Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.
“So anything else to be discussed?” Cameron asked Clegg.
“Well, apparently it turns out we’re one delegate short for that parliamentary delegation that is paying a courtesy trip to meet with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi today,” Clegg answered, “it was supposed to be a nine member delegation of MPs from Westminster and it turns out we only have eight.”
“Hm,” Cameron said, “who could we ask to go at the last minute?”.
“Well that far-left Labour MP from Wales Magog Rhys Petley being the self-proclaimed champion of the working man that he is probably wouldn’t mind getting a free trip somewhere at taxpayers’ expense like all self-proclaimed champions of the working man are prone to do,” Clegg noted.
“I like that,” Cameron smiled, “and the thought of an old-time Bolshevik like Rhys Petley meeting a monopolistic style capitalist like Berlusconi would be great fun.”
Cameron directed one of his aides to make the call to Rhys Petley.
* * *
Two members of the Italian Secret Service are sitting in a car outside the entrance of Set Enterprises’ Laboratory outside London.
“So Giuseppe,” Antonio asked, “would you like another glass of white wine?”.
“Seeing as how I’ve still got some linguini left,” Giuseppe replied, “sure it will go down well.”
“I’ve still got some spaghetti left,” Antonio looked inside his lunch box, “maybe I’ll open some red wine to go with it.”
As Antonio and Giuseppe ate and drank, Giuseppe looked at his watch.
“Say, what was it we were supposed to steal from inside Set Enterprises again?” Giuseppe asked.
Antonio reached inside his pocket, “I wrote it down inside my notebook… ah, here it is. Oh my goodness, I spilled mozzarella sauce all over it. I can’t read what it says.”
“Do you have a napkin to wipe it off?” Giuseppe inquired.
“No, we’ve used up all our napkins, Mama mia,” Antonio hit his forehead, “I can’t read what it says.”
“Didn’t the big Berlusconi himself order this mission?” Giuseppe poured himself some more white wine.
“That’s a-right,” Antonio answered, “the Prime Minister himself ordered this intelligence operation.”
“I’m a-glad I ordered my own pizza for this operation,” Giuseppe helped himself to a slice, “the last pizza on our last intelligence operation had way too many anchovies on it but then I didn’t order that one.”
“I think we’re a-going to have to jump over the fence and sneak over to the Set Enterprises cafeteria and see if we can get some napkins so I can a-wipe off-a this piece of paper and see what it says,” Antonio suggested.
“Why do we have to jump-a over the fence to get to the cafeteria for napkins?” Giuseppe asked, “why can’t we just-a walk in through the entrance like regular joes?”.
“Giuseppe, you’re not a regular joe, you’re Italian,” Antonio rebuked him, “besides we’re spies. And spies don’t just-a walk into places like that. Spies jump over the fence. We’ve got to be sneaky remember.”
“Okay but I hope-a I don’t split my pants like the last time I jumped over a fence,” Giuseppe made the sign of the Cross.
Antonio and Giuseppe got out of the car and approached the Fence.
“There’s a sign on the fence,” Giuseppe pointed out, “It says BEWARE OF… Dog… does it say?.”
“No, the English word Dog has only one syllable to it,” Antonio scratched his head, “it says BEWARE OF… GIRAFFE?”.
“You’re right, Antonio,” Giuseppe laughed, “it does say Beware Of Giraffe. What sort of place has a giraffe rather than a watch dog for security? These crazy English and their dry sense of humour. Dry like the African savanna with its giraffes you see on safari.”
Giuseppe and Antonio leapt over the fence.
They were soon set upon by a giraffe with huge carnivorous sharp like Tyrannosaurus Rex style teeth.
* * *
Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security for Set Enterprises held his binoculars and looked out the window of the Set Laboratories watch tower.
He remarked casually to Amadeus Emanon, “I was right to tell the Boss’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to genetically engineer a giraffe with a slight pinch of prehistoric T-Rex DNA. People who break into the grounds get a huge surprise even though we’ve posted a sign warning them to beware of the giraffe.”
* * *
Antonio and Giuseppe hurriedly jumped back over the fence to the outside parking lot.
“Mama Mia,” Giuseppe cried out, “I’ve split my pants again.”
To be continued.
O, What CAN This Poem Be About?
Said the little engine that could,
I think I can, I think I can
and he did to the top of the hill.
Said Barack Obama,
“Yes, we can, yes we can”
and he did-
he’s being sworn in on Capitol Hill.
Said the Moulin Rouge owner to the show girls,
“Do the can-can, Do the can-can”
and now Paris gentlemen
are pole vaulting up the hill. 
-Dracul Van Helsing
January 19th, 2009
Part 2 Opening The Box of Shamballa
Part 2 Opening The Box of Shamballa
Russian President Vladimir Putin was busy whistling the song Tomorrow
Belongs To Me as he was driven to FSB Headquarters in Moscow.
President Putin had always considered himself Russia’s greatest
leader since Ivan the Terrible. Now others agreed with him.
The Russian populace agreed with him by handing him a landslide
victory for his United Russia Party in parliamentary elections earlier this
month.
Opinion polls showed that his handpicked successor and young 42-year-old
protoge Dmitri Medvedev would be elected President of Russia in the next Russian
Presidential election.
Putin himself would most likely become Russia’s next Prime Minister.
And last but not least TIME Magazine had named him Vladimir Putin
Person of the Year.
Now by viewing the contents of the Dark Box of Shamballa, he would
probably most likely become Master of the Universe.
He’d like to see Ivan the Terrible, Lenin and Stalin able to top that one.
Putin was all smiles as Col. Azazelenov waved him into his office
and showed him the ancient Tibetan box atop the office desk.
Col. Azazelenov read the translation of the inscription atop the box:
“TO YE WHO SEEK THE DARK BOX OF SHAMBALLA CONTAINING
THE DARK PSYCHIC ENERGIES OF THE UNIVERSE AND YE WHO
VERILY PLAN TO BECOME MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE…”
“Sounds more like King James English than Russian to me for some
reason,” Putin quipped.
Col. Azazelenov took the lid off the box and Putin peered inside…
“That just looks like another inscription written at the bottom of the box,”
Putin stated.
“It is another inscription written at the bottom of the box,” Col. Azazelenov
saluted.
“Well even though I humbly and most modestly consider myself the most brilliant
intelligent person living on planet Earth today,” Putin blushed bashfully, “I can’t
read ancient Tibetan.”
“That’s all right,” Col. Azazelenov beamed like Paris Hilton in a porno video,
“I’ve got an expert in ancient Tibetan on the line who’s just cracked the inscription.”
As Col Azazelenov wrote down the translation, Putin was busy drooling
like one of Pavlov’s dogs.
“That’s it,” Col. Azazelenov looked extremely surprised.
The voice on the phone said Yes.
“Well, what does the inscription say?” Putin smiled contentedly
in a state of megalomaniac bliss.
“Well,” Col Azazelenov answered, “it says…”
… YOU FOUND THE WRONG BOX, IDIOT!
The End.
The Dark Box of Shamballa
The Dark Box of Shamballa
Dec. 19th 1944- Office of the Fuhrer, Berlin
Hitler: Ah, Col. Eckhart, I see you’ve finally returned from the SS
expedition to Tibet. I believe I sent you back in 1939 and you only just
got back to Berlin now?
Col. Eckhart: We took a wrong turn in the Himalayas. And it didn’t help
matters much that our guide also turned out to be afraid of heights.
Hitler: So did you find the Lost City of Shamballa where the Ascended
Masters reside?
Col. Eckhart: We found the Lost City of Shamballa but the Ascended
Masters weren’t residing there when we arrived. Possibly the rents are too
high. A lot of the buildings there seemed to be emblazoned with gold and precious
jewels.
Hitler: Did you find the Dark Box of Shamballa- that box that contains in it all the
dark psychic energies of the universe? A box that whoever opens it will become
Master of the Universe?
Col. Eckhart: We found the Box and brought it back to Berlin. Those brave
SS officers who helped carry it back are currently being treated for massive
hernias.
Hitler: And have you opened the Box yet?
Col Eckhart: We seemed to be having some trouble opening it,
Mein Fuhrer.
Hitler: That Box must be opened. If we can open it, this will ensure that I’ll
win the War.
63 years later on Dec. 19th, 2007, Russian President Vladimir Putin
is sitting in his office in the Kremlin. The phone rings.
Putin (picking up the phone): Yes?
Voice on other end: Mr. President, this is Col. Azazelenov of the FSB.
My men have been going through a warehouse of old Soviet Red Army archives
containing stuff that was found in the Soviet Red Army’s search of Hitler’s Bunker
in Berlin back in May, 1945.
Anyways we found an old box earlier this year which our expert on ancient
languages said appeared to be written in ancient Tibetan insciptions.
We’ve had the darndest time trying to open the thing. And this morning we
finally succeeded. Mr. President, I think you should take a look at what’s inside.
To be continued.
Primary Analysis
January 14, 2008 at 6:54 pm (Commentary, Humour, Politics, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)
by rosepetal01 [ 28, F, Piscataway ]
Hieee…
Hope you’re back to normal routine by now.It seems like ‘cry baby’ is going to get her way to the while house.Prejudism still exist in America.
Hi Sapna
Yes, I wonder if “crybaby” is going to continue her salt water performances when she’s dealing with people like Vladimir Putin, the mullahs of Iran and North Korea’s Kim Jong-il. They might not be as impressed by her performance as the airheaded voters of New Hampshire were.
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