FBI Raid Magician David Copperfield’s House
FBI Raid Magician David Copperfield’s Warehouse
Earlier today the FBI raided the warehouse of
world-famous magician and illusionist David Copperfield.
To honour this occasion, I’ve written a rap song about it.
So pretend I’m a gangsta rapper and here we go:
Does George Dubya Bush believe in pie in the sky?
let me ask you somethin’, do winged birds fly?
This Patriot Act legislation got to work
who you callin’ Dick Cheney a jerk?
You’re a traitor
anarchist agitator
should be fed to an alligator.
The authorities in power they protecting us
soon you’ll be strip searched boardin’ a bus
what’s the latest we do to defend the homeland
check those boys wearin’ the FBI brand
They’ve raided David Copperfield’s warehouse
and not because the agent in charge be a drunken souce.
No, they’ve had it on good authority that people disappear and reappear
Justice Department ask, don’t you think that’s queer?
Some people this guy do saw in half
he can also make vanish a gir-affe
as well as elephant and Lear jet
looks like we ain’t seen nothing yet.
Made the Statue of Liberty go poof!
He’s got guillotines under his roof.
So the FBI has got the evidence
amidst all this birdcage pestilence
oops! the evidence has disappeared like magic
we got to say that’s somewhat tragic
wonder what else he has under his sleeve
causing the U.S. Justice Department to grieve!
THE END.
-A rap song written by Christopher aka Dracul Van Helsing on October 19th, 2007
The Griswold of the Night
The Griswold of the Night
The wine was spent in the desert tent
by the oasis Nevadamore
The feast was o’er
just sound of snore
as the Griswold entered the tent
a furry beast ne’er paid his rent
look at his car
it has a dent
and there lying at his feet
was old banker Pete.
He helped himself to gold watch and chain
’cause to pass this up would be insane.
Pete snored
Al Gored
global warming this desert heat
but it was night
and all were tight
and their possessions soon gone
out of sight.
A loud cry echoed through the desert hue
we’ve been robbed said young Stu
it was morning- sand with dew
While we slept
a robber crept
and took our pants to boot.
The sight was a hoot.
TV stations were there with cameras
Congressmen there going bananas
Was this an orgy? asked anchorwoman Sue
as yet another resignation came through.
Larry King did his thing
and Anderson Cooper too
The media had a field day
and Rush Limbaugh was turning blue.
And so the story was told in future campfires
of the Griswold of the night
who put an end to several political careers
by the dawn of morning light.
Styx and Stones and U.S. Currency
Styx and Stones and U.S. Currency
It was the year 2020
the wine was flowin’ aplenty
in a taverna in Greece
called The Golden Fleece
and former VP Dick Cheney
who some said had no brain-ey
was downing wine by the jugload
when he accidently drank a toad
whose skin to the taste was venom
it couldn’t be washed down with a lemon.
So despite it being a toad
Cheney lay in the middle of the road
and like a frog he croaked
while passers-by smoked.
Said one silver-haired Greek
who was a mythology geek
better find a silver dollar
before anyone can holler
I’ll put it in Mr. Cheney’s mouth
before they bury him- due south.
A coin in the mouth you see
was payment on the fer-ry
that Charon steered across the river Styx
an eerie place- it wasn’t the Ritz
in the underworld of Hades
no secret service or maid-ies.
Cheney was now just another guy
wanting to reach an Elysian sky
but when Charon saw a US dollar
he laughed and adjusted his collar
don’t you know you old bore
thanks to your Iraq war
The deficit soared out of control
The economy collapsed
don’t you know?
Here U.S. currency is no go.
And so Cheney stood on the shore
As Charon sailed with Al Gore
who had wisely picked up a Euro
off the floor.
-written by Christopher aka Dracul Van Helsing, October 5th, 2007
Tim’s 19th Century E-Mail Challenge
Tim’s 19th Century E-Mail Challenge
My friend Tim (whose pen name here is SAREJESS)
recently issued what he called a 19th Century E-mail
Challenge in his Blog.
The challenge was to imagine e-mails existed
in the 19th Century and to write an e-mail about
some 19th century happening.
One could write either as a real historical personage
or a literary character of the 19th century.
So here’s my 19th Century e-mails:
From: Oscar Wilde owilde@oldbailey.co.uk
To: Queen Victoria victoriaR@buckinghampalace.co.uk
Sent: May 25th, 1895 at 2:05 PM
Subject: The Stupidity of the British Jury
Your Majesty:
I’ve just been convicted of sodomy!
What a bummer! 
Your not so gay at the moment
obedient servant,
~Oscar Wilde.
From: Queen Victoria <victoriaR@buckinghampalace.co.uk>
To: Oscar Wilde <owilde@oldbailey.co.uk>
Sent: May 25th, 1895 at 2:35 PM
Re: The Stupidity of the British Jury
My dear and most wayward subject Oscar:
We are not amused! 
Your Sovereign and Queen
and England’s ONLY Queen (do bear that in mind, Mr. Wilde!),
~Victoria R.
Special Guest On The Next Oprah…
Special Guest On The Next Oprah
I haven’t done some satirical commercials for a while.
So I thought I’d do a couple based on Iranian President Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad’s announcement in his UN speech yesterday that
there are no gays in Iran.
Oprah Winfrey’s voice: On the next Oprah, we have a very special guest…
(Iran’s supreme spiritual leader the Ayatollah Ali Khameini is seated next to
Oprah)
Oprah: Your Excellency, I understand you have a message you’d like to give
the Iranian people and the world…
Ayatollah Khameini: Yes, I’d like to take this opportunity to come out
of the closet and announce to the world that…. I’m gay…
Voice of CNN Announcer: On the next Anderson Cooper 360…
Anderson Cooper: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announces
his intention not to return home to Iran but to live in exile abroad…
Voice of CNN Announcer: On the next Anderson Cooper 360…
Another Paris Sows Discord
Another Paris Sows Discord
Paris Hilton was visiting a new disco that had just opened
up in London, UK.
The name of the disco was the Nephilim Anakim Disco.
“Good evening, Miss Hilton,” the disco owner greeted
her, “how are you?”.
“Fine,” Paris dressed in a see-through pale blue mini dress
held out her hand, “and you are?”.
“Lucifer,” the owner shook her hand, “but you can call me Luce for
short.”
“Lucifer,” Paris scratched her head, “that name sounds vaguely
familiar for some reason.”
“Well I doubt very much you heard the name in Sunday school,” Lucifer
smiled, “since most churches these days say I no longer exist.”
Paris said, “Excuse me but I’m going up to the bar.”
“Do drink and drive,” Lucifer bowed.
The demoness Lilith dressed in a black leather mini dress,
fishnet nylons and black spiked stiletto heels approached Lucifer.
“Well, Luce,” the demoness who was the mother of all vampires smiled, “I see
Paris has arrived. Should we get this party started?”.
“Yes,” Lucifer smiled, “when we remember the havoc another Paris caused
3,000 years ago.”
Lilith directed her maidservant Eris who was dressed in a French maid’s
outfit to go over to a certain table.
At the table were seated the 3 Greek gods Zeus, Apollo and Eros (Eros
is of course better known to the world by his Latin name Cupid).
The Greek god Zeus looks like Bill Clinton with a beard (and also
acts like him).
Apollo looks like Brad Pitt.
Eros (Cupid) looks like a bearded dwarf (which is what he is).
Eris threw a golden apple down on the table- an apple inscribed with the
word Kallisti (“for the most beautiful one”).
“Well,” said Zeus speaking in a Greek dialect that seemed to resemble
an Arkansas drawl, “since I’m the most beautiful one here, I’ll take this
apple.”
“Nonsense,” said Apollo speaking in a Greek dialect that seemed to
resemble the California accent of a Hollywood blockbuster superstar,
“since I’m the most beautiful one here, I’ll take this apple.”
“Balderdash,” said Eros speaking in a very high-pitched voice that
sounded like a cross between the late writer Truman Capote and a
munchkin on steroids, “since I’m the most beautiful one here, I’ll
take this apple.”
“Gentlemen, gentlemen, please,” Lilith approached the bickering
Greek deities, “let this fair young maiden decide.”
Lilith pushed Paris over to the table, “Dear, who’s the most beautiful one
here? Give them the apple.”
“My dear, if you give me the apple,” Zeus smiled, “I’ll make you
head of a one-world government plus you’ll get the chance to intern
with me and I’ll pay for any dry-cleaning bills for your dresses.”
“Government is boring,” Paris shook her head, “I like parties and shopping.”
“My dear, if you give me the apple,” Apollo bowed, “I’ll give you wisdom.”
“Whatever would I do with wisdom” Paris yawned and shook her head.
“My dear, if you give me the apple,” Eros lisped as he stood up in his diapers
on top of the table, “I’ll give you the most handsome man on Earth.”
“Great,” Paris swooned and gave him the apple.
“This means war,” Zeus pounded the table.
“This means war,” Apollo pounded the table.
“Make love not war,” Eros danced on the table.
At that moment Lordi lead singer of the Finnish horror rock group Lordi
walked by.
“Oh, there’s the most handsome man on Earth,” Paris swooned, “I want him.”
“Done,” said Eros and he fired his arrow.
Paris took Lordi back home with her to California.
Unbeknownst to Paris, Lordi was the secret lover of German Chancellor
Angela Merkel.
President Bush received an ultimatum from Chancellor Merkel demanding
the return of Lordi.
Bush refused and Germany declared war on America.
Meanwhile Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was so delighted
by the state of war between Germany and America, he started eating
German sauerkraut. It was only when he was down to the last bite
of sauerkraut that Ahmadinejad discovered that he suffered from a
fatal allergy to sauerkraut and promptly keeled over.
Meanwhile the Germans outsourced a secret weapons building project
to Greece and the Greeks built a Trojan horse that they placed outside
Paris Hilton’s mansion in southern California.
“Paris,” Lindsay Lohan gurgled between mouthfuls of Scotch,
“there’s a Trojan thingamajig on the lawn.”
“Trojan,” Paris looked out the window, “why would I need
a Trojan? I’ve never had STDs.”
Coming soon to a theatre near you:
Paris Hilton as Pinocchio!
The Beijing Olympics
August 1, 2008 at 12:27 pm (Commentary, Humour, Poetry, Satire)
The Beijing Olympics
by DraculVanHelsing
I am great! How are you?
Hope you’re not feeling blue!
A new month begins today.
Olympics will be underway.
At Beijing the world will watch
but not Britney Spears exposing her crotch.
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