Fictional News Report About Dr. Hannibal Lector
This just in! Well known cannibalistic psychiatrist Dr. Hannibal Lector wasn’t hungry enough for a full meal but he did feel like having some fingers as an appetizer. It has been reported that singer M.I.A.’s middle finger is M.I.A.
More News On Hurricane Ophelia
More News On Hurricane Ophelia
Brought to you by the Christopher Van Helsing News Network
Announcer: The existentially angst ridden Danish prince who was blown away by Hurricane Ophelia last night has been found… in a nunnery… the discovery was made by the Mother Superior when she discovered that one of the toilet seats had been left up….
News Update On Hurricane Ophelia
News Update on Hurricane Ophelia
presented by the Christopher Van Helsing News Network
Announcer: Here’s the latest update on Hurricane Ophelia… earlier this evening as an existentially angst ridden Danish prince was walking along a beach pondering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, he was blown away by Hurricane Ophelia as a Danish politician named Polonius remarked, “Me thinks it does look like a cloud.” Was the event caught on videocam and uploaded to YouTube… well… we can only ask… youtube be… or not… youtube be…. ?
The ANN Animal News Network News
(Scene: The studios of ANN- Animal News Network)
Voice of ANN Announcer: This is ANN- the world’s most watched Animal News Network. This is the original animal news network unlike that upstart Crazy As A Fox Network News.
News Anchorwoman Zelda Zebra: Hello, I’m Zelda Zebra. Coming up next on ANN, the Situation Room With Wolf Ritzer.
(Camera focuses in on a wolf eating some Ritz crackers)
Wolf Ritzer (spilling some Ritz crackers on his suit and tie): We’ve got an interesting story in the Situation Room today, Zelda.
Zelda (flicking her mane of zebra hair with her purple nail polished hoofs): What’s that, Wolf?
Wolf: Well Zelda, you may have heard about a couple of pigs living up on a farm in Ontario, Canada. The couple recently announced to their neighbours that they have a baby. But they won’t tell the neighbours whether the baby is theirs or what species of baby it is. They figure this new baby they call Hail should be be allowed to decide his/her own species itself. They figure that a baby animal should not let society dictate what species it is to be. Their argument is why shouldn’t wolves be allowed to moo and eat grass and why shouldn’t cows be allowed to lift their heads and bay at the moon? Why shouldn’t bunnies be allowed to quack and why shouldn’t ducks have big ears and be allowed to hop around in the grass?
Zelda: I understand Baby Hail has unleashed a storm of controversy all over the world.
Wolf: Indeed it has, Zelda. The outcry has caused Baby Hail’s airheaded mother to release a terse and airheaded statement from her farm up in Ontario, Canada saying, “This just shows the inherent prejudices and stereotypes of the society we live in when animals won’t allow a baby to be able to choose its own species.”
Zelda: That should be an interesting story in today’s Situation Room, Wolf.
Wolf: Thanks, Zelda.
Zelda: Also coming up at the top of the hour, what role did the White House family dog Bo play in the hunt and eventual capture and death of Osama bin Laden’s pet rat?
Voice of ANN Announcer: You are watching ANN…
-A satire written by Christopher Van Helsing
Tuesday evening, May 31st 2011
It’s Saturday… The Day After Friday… And Tomorrow’s Sunday
The Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Crace Kwan were having coffee in a Parisienne cafe after having attended Easter Vigil Evening Vespers at Notre Dame Cathedral.
Hyung was dressed in a black blouse and black skirt and black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto heels.
“So what are you thinking about?” Hyung asked the Canadian vampire hunter.
“About how Good Friday and Lenin’s birthday fell on the same day this year,” Dracul replied.
“That’s right, they did,” Hyung nodded, “yesterday was April 22nd.”
“Many people don’t know that’s why Earth Day is celebrated on April 22nd,” Dracul stated, “back in the 1960s and 1970s, the Soviet KGB had heavily penetrated both the upper levels of the United Nations and the environmental movement in the Western world. So when the date was selected for the very first Earth Day in 1970. April 22nd 1970 was chosen since that would have been Lenin’s 100th birthday.”
“So are Marxists still heavily involved in Earth Day celebrations?” Hyung asked.
“Not since the collapse of the Soviet Union, no,” Dracul shook his head, “it’s mainly run by New Agers and Gaia earth-goddess worshipping neo-Pagans now.”
“But still celebrated on Lenin’s birthday,” Hyung said.
“Yes, Lenin seems to be one very green corpse,” Dracul remarked.
* * *
Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a Piccadilly Circus restaurant and eating a tuna fish sandwich recalling how he had spent his Good Friday.
Early in the wee hours of Good Friday morning, Renfield had nailed the heavy metal rocker Stryker (nailed him quite literally) both hands and feet to the rafters of London’s latest trendiest discoteque and nightclub.
Renfield ripped off the rocker’s clothes and threw them to screaming female fans on the floor below where they played World of Warcraft on their smart phones and whoever got the highest score would be entitled to a portion of the metal rocker’s clothing.
At one point, Stryker let out a cry, “Lama, lama, deli-sabama?” which being interpreted is “Where the Hell did I leave my car keys?”.
“This man calls for the Dalai Lama,” some pot-smoking doper shouted.
“Let’s see whether the Dalai Lama comes to save him,” another doper cried out.
“The Dalai Lama isn’t coming,” a psychedlic mini dress wearing blonde with glazed eyes said after 5 minutes had passed.
“Bummer,” a doped-out dopey looking nerd with glasses and curly hair remarked, “I was wanting to ask him where he bought his orange robes. And then I was going to ask him if he knew of any place that sold apple or grapefruit robes as well.”
Then Stryker said, “I thirst.”
A groupie in a black leather mini skirt pulled up her skirt and pulled down her pantyhose and panties and removed her tampon. She then put her tampon on one of the lounge’s cool looking bamboo poles and held it up to Stryker’s lips where he drank.
Renfield then grabbed a customer’s samurai sword and went and cut off Stryker’s erect phallus.
“My penis, my penis,” Stryker screamed, “why hast thou forsaken me?”.
“He’s bleeding all over me!” a doper shouted.
“Father,” Stryker looked down towards what lay beneath the dance floor, “Into thy hands, I commend my spirit.”
He then gave up the ghost.
Then the power and the electricity and the lights went out.
A doper flicked his cigarette lighter open and said, “Truly, this man was the Son of Belial.”
* * *
Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell organized a group of the nightclub bouncers who took down Stryker’s body and wrapped it in a blanket.
He then told the bouncers to go to Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s own tomb in London’s Highgate Cemetery and bury the body there.
And they did so.
* * *
And Renfield still had not received an invitation to attend Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s wedding.
And spilling some loose change on the floor of the restaurant, Renfield went out into the night into the bright lights of Piccadilly Circus and wept.
* * *
To be continued.
Lenin Getting Down On Friday
Hey it’s Lenin getting down on Friday!
Partyin’ (yeah) Partyin’ (yeah)
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
Stalin sittin’ in the front seat!
Trotsky sittin’ in the back seat!
Which seat should Vladimir take?
Renfield Interviews Martin Sheen and Interrogates Prisoners At Guantanamo Bay
CNN News Announcer: Due to the unsuccessful use of anesthetic at his dentist, Piers Morgan will not be hosting his show Piers Morgan Tonight tonight…
… instead an apparently famous individual from Britain whom I’ve never heard of before by the name of Renfield R. Renfield will be filling in as host tonight …
… Mr. Renfield would like me to say that if Charles Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall Lady Camilla are watching this program that Mr. Renfield would like a personal invitation to attend Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s wedding at Westminster Abbey next month…
… Mr. Renfield’s guest tonight on Piers Morgan Tonight without Piers Morgan is veteran actor Martin Sheen star of numerous TV shows and movies including The West Wing…
… and now here’s Mr. Renfield R. Renfield with Martin Sheen…
“So tell me, Martin,” Renfield grinned as he spoke, “how does it feel having a total nutcase for a son?”.
* * *
Later that evening Renfield R. Renfield arrived as a guest interrogator down at Guantanamo Bay.
Renfield had a well-deserved reputation as an interrogator in the intelligence community.
He had been asked on several occasions by both Scotland Yard and the CIA to get uncooperative prisoners to talk.
He had a 100% success rate.
Renfield arrived at Guantanamo Bay this evening sporting two huge black eyes as a TV interview he had had with Mr. Martin Sheen earlier in the evening hadn’t gone so well.
“The prisoners are tied up in their respective chairs and waiting for you,” said the CIA operative.
“Great,” Renfield smiled.
He put up a film screen and then inserted a DVD into the projector.
“And now gentlemen,” Renfield grinned, “may I present Miss Rebecca Black’s video Friday…”
The prisoners squirmed in their seats as Miss Black went through her respective and numerous Yeah-yeahs at the start of the song.
By the time Miss Black regaled them with her astounding lyrics “Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal”, the prisoners started tossing their cookies they had eaten as a snack an hour before.
By the time Miss Black reached the lines “Gotta make my mind up Which seat can I take?”, the prisoners fell off their chairs.
Through the numerous repetitions of the lines “Partyin’ partyin’ (Yeah)” and “Fun, fun, fun, fun”, the prisoners were positively writhing in agony on the floor.
By the time Miss Black hit those brilliant lines of 21st Century literary prose “Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday, Today i-is Friday, Friday (partyin’)” and “Tomorrow is Saturday, And Sunday comes after… wards, I don’t want this weekend to end”, the prisoners were screaming in unison that they wanted the video stopped.
Then when Miss Black reached the lines “It’s Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday”, the prisoners demanded they be allowed to tell the CIA operative everything he wanted to know.
* * *
“Another job well done,” the CIA operative said as he handed the freelance interrogator Renfield a cheque for $500,000 U.S.
* * *
As Renfield flew back home to London, he tuned in to Coast To Coast AM with George Noory on the plane radio.
“Tonight on Coast To Coast, another tale of alien abduction,” George Noory’s voice intoned, “yes, on tonight’s program… an ET alien makes the astounding claim that he was abducted… by Charlie Sheen…”
* * *
To be continued.
U.S. Secret Service Motto In Wake of Colombian Escort Scandal
April 18, 2012 at 1:52 pm (Commentary, Humour, Satire) (Colombian escort scandal, President Barack Obama, prostitution, U.S. Secret Service, U.S. Secret Service motto)
U.S. Secret Service motto:
Putting our lives on the line for the President.
Putting our dicks on the line for sexual gratification.
Putting our credit rating at risk when the escorts complain.
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