Paris Hilton Starring In Hiltlet: A Modern Day Trago-Comedy
Hiltlet: A Modern Day Trago-Comedy
Hiltlet:
A Modern Day Trago-Comedy
by Dracul Van Helsing
written June 26th, 2007
(with apologies to William Shakespeare)
Twas the night Paris Hilton was let out of jail…
her two friends Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie
are standing on the balcony… when suddenly a cock
crowed…
Nicole: Listen, I heard a cock crow!
Lindsay: A cock crow? Well that’s certainly all Greek to me.
Nicole: It’s certainly all Greek to Paris.
(Just then a ghost appears)
The two sentinels on duty at the Hilton mansion scream…
while Lindsay and Nicole stand there dumbfounded…
1st sentinel: A ghost? That does it! I can no longer stand guard duty
at the Hilton mansion. I’m returning to my hairdressing job in Beverly
Hills.
(1st sentinel drops his spear and minces off)
2nd sentinel: I’m right behind you dearie!
(2nd sentinel drops his spear and minces off)
(The ghost approaches Lindsay and Nicole)
Nicole: Thou art an airhead. Speak to it, Lindsay.
Lindsay (addressing the ghost): Are you the only spirit around here?
I was hoping to get a rum and coke.
Ghost: I wish to speak to Paris Hilton.
Nicole (shouting): Paris! There’s a Greek up here who has something
he wants to show you.
(Paris can be heard running up the stairs and she bursts on to the
balcony gargling with extra powerful mouthwash which she spills all over
her pink cocktail dress)
Paris: I thought you said there was a Greek up here?
That’s no Greek! That’s a ghost! And a female ghost at that!
(No sooner does Paris speak these words than a gust of wind blows
up the female ghost’s white dress)
Nicole (scratching her nose): You know I’ve had this itch for the past 7 years.
Paris (approaching the ghost): Who are you?
Ghost: I am the ghost of Marilyn Monroe
doomed for a certain term to walk the night
and for the day confined to fast in fires
till the foul crimes done in my days of nature
are burnt and purged away.
Paris: What do you want with me?
Ghost: You give blondes a bad name. Even though I was born a
brunette and dyed my hair blonde, I am forever associated with being
blonde. And you give blondes a bad name.
Paris: So what do you want me to do?
Ghost: You are to settle down and marry a handsome Prince.
That is your punishment so Heaven has decreed.
Paris: I have no problem with that punishment.
Ghost: You will meet your Prince tonight. And you must marry him tonight.
And at the stroke of midnight, you shall kiss him. And remember, you must
remain married and faithful to him for the rest of your life.
So Heaven has decreed.
Paris: Okay.
(Scene 2: A knock at the Hilton Mansion door. No, not that kind of knock.
Maybe I should say the doorbell rang 
Paris (opening the door): Hey, what’s with all this purple rain
that is falling? Who are you?
Prince: I am Prince the artist formerly known as the Artist Formerly Known
as Prince.
Paris (standing there dumbfounded with her mouth wide open):
What?
Prince: I am Prince the artist formerly known as the Artist Formerly Known
as Prince.
Paris: I’m an airhead so I have no idea what you’re talking about.
(LIndsay walks by and shoves a donair in Paris’ mouth which is still
wide open)
Lindsay: There, something Greek in your mouth.
Paris (spits out the donair): But are you a Prince?
Prince: Yes I am.
Paris: And you seem to be handsome.
Prince: Yes I am.
Paris: Will you marry me?
Prince: Yes I will.
Paris: Tonight?
Prince: Yes I will.
(So Fortinbras a Norweigian-American Justice of the Peace in Los
Angeles is summoned and marries Paris and Prince)
(During the reception a Los Angeles Kings hockey player named
Claudius dies after drinking a glass of wine that had a ruby thrown
in it)
Polonius the Hilton butler and valet is shot and killed by a gansta rapper
named Cinammon Danish who mistook Polonius for Claudius
who had knocked up the rapper’s girlfriend. The accidental shooting
and death would have never happened if the gangsta rapper had not
been wearing dark sunglasses in a darkened setting which gangsta
rappers are prone to do.
Ophelia (Polonius’ lesbian daughter) who had a lesbian crush
on Paris went and drowned herself in the swimming pool after
all these events transpired.
“Phone Harry Woo and see if he has any discount coupons for
pool cleaning services,” Paris’ father ordered.
At the stroke of midnight, Paris kissed Prince.
Prince immediately turned into a purple frog.
The ghost of Marilyn Monroe appeared at the top of the stairs and
announced that Prince would remain a frog for the rest of his life.
“So Heaven has decreed,” Marilyn spake.
Paris let out a bloodcurdling scream…
and then went and impaled herself on a hair dryer.
“Oh shoot, I was wanting to use that hair dryer too,” Lindsay spoke
with dripping hair after going for a midnight dip,
“do you know there’s a dead body in the pool?”.
The hair dryer was removed from Paris’ chest
and the airhead heiress was put on a stretcher.
Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony (who was filling in
for his friend the Los Angeles County Coroner on night duty)
arrived.
Said the Honourary LA County County Coroner
Marc Anthony,
“I’ve come to bury Paris not to praise her.”
THE END.
