The Coppertop Were-Zomb-ire
As Renfield sat looking depressed over the dead body of his most recent creation the Were-Zomb-ire, the redheaded cyborg Sophia entered the Set Enterprises lab wearing a tight fitting red mini dress, red silk nylons and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
She was followed by Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. as well as a TV camera crew.
“What are you doing here?” Renfield asked the sexy and sultry cyborg.
“I’m here to shoot a TV commercial about your dead creation the Were-Zomb-ire,” Sophia answered, “my recording manager Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell figures it will help my music career.”
“Oh great,” Renfield threw up his hands, “first someone posted a blog entry about my creation the Were-Zomb-ire’s death at Xanga a site no one cares about (except for C.S. Lewis wannabes with a fetish for boobs and non-butterfly little read unpopular Malaysian bloggers who don’t have a fetish for boobs) and now you’re going to broadcast my failure to the entire world.”
“That’s right,” Sophia adjusted her nylons and then smiled for the camera.
“Hit it,” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell gave her the thumbs up.
“I’m sitting here with colossal failure Renfield R, Renfield,” Sophia smiled engagingly, “whose recent creation the Were-Zomb-ire a creature part werewolf, part zombie and part vampire was killed shortly after it was created. Mr. Renfield, what are your plans for the future?”.
“Well, I’ve been offered the position of Secretary of State in a second Obama Administration for after the next U.S. election….” Renfield tried to smile.
“Let’s try fitting your Were-Zomb-ire with a Duracell battery shall we?” Sophia cuts open the Were-Zomb-ire’s stomach with a butcher knife and then inserts a Duracell battery and then stitches together the incision with thread and then delivers an electrical charge to the Were-Zomb-ire’s stomach.
The Were-Zomb-ire then rises to life again.
“Duracell the Coppertop Battery,” Sophia smiles at the camera, “the battery recommended and used by most professional mad scientists.”
The Were-Zomb-ire then tears the door off the Set Enterprises lab and sets off to terrorize the City of London.
Amadeus Emanon enters through the now non-existent door of the Set Enterprises lab licking a maple walnut chocolate ice cream cone and remarking, “Hey Renfield, I noticed your Were-Zomb-ire came back to life and just stepped on the Energizer Bunny. It’s no longer going and going…”
To be continued.
Special Guest On The Next Oprah…
Special Guest On The Next Oprah
I haven’t done some satirical commercials for a while.
So I thought I’d do a couple based on Iranian President Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad’s announcement in his UN speech yesterday that
there are no gays in Iran.
Oprah Winfrey’s voice: On the next Oprah, we have a very special guest…
(Iran’s supreme spiritual leader the Ayatollah Ali Khameini is seated next to
Oprah)
Oprah: Your Excellency, I understand you have a message you’d like to give
the Iranian people and the world…
Ayatollah Khameini: Yes, I’d like to take this opportunity to come out
of the closet and announce to the world that…. I’m gay…
Voice of CNN Announcer: On the next Anderson Cooper 360…
Anderson Cooper: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announces
his intention not to return home to Iran but to live in exile abroad…
Voice of CNN Announcer: On the next Anderson Cooper 360…
What Really Happened Aboard The Mary Celeste?
What Really Happened Aboard The Mary Celeste?
My friend Sapna has observed that I like to make up my own
joke one-liners.
That is very true!
I also like to write my own TV commercials.
And it occurred to me that I hadn’t done that in a while.
So I decided to write one tonight.
TV Commercial Written
by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 28th, 2007
Name of commercial:
What really happened aboard the Mary Celeste?
Scene: As a ship is shown tossed to and fro in the
midst of a terrible storm, the narrator’s voice spookily intones:
On November 7th, 1872 under the command of Captain
Benjamin Briggs, the ship Mary Celeste set sail from Staten
Island, New York to Genoa, Italy…
But…
She never reached her destination…
(spooky organ music hits crescendo in background)
The narrator’s voice continues to spookily intone:
On the evening of December 4th to 5th, 1872, she was found adrift
in Atlantic Ocean waters headed straight towards the Strait of Gibraltor.
No one was found aboard the ship save a single cat.
The ship had been abandoned for some mysterious reason…
(Voice of ghostly laughter is heard in the background)
(Scene: A huge burly sweating perspiring sailor of a man
can be seen boarding a ship marked Mary Celeste)
Voice of TV commercial announcer: Have you ever considered
what might happen if your underarm deodorant protection breaks
down?
Voice of narrator: The ship Mary Celeste set sail… never reached
her destination… the ship had been abandoned for some mysterious
reason…
Voice of TV commercial announcer: Please use Old Spice underarm
deodorant… the kind made for men of the sea…
