Dracul Van Helsing

The statue of the ancient Ammonite-Canaanite-Phoenician god Moloch stood at the top of the hill and long lines of parents brought up their babies to be burnt.

The statue was made of bronze and its hands extended over a bronze brazier. The hands stretched out and the baby was put in its hands. The hands then placed the child into the burning fire of the brazier and as it did so, the limbs of the statue contracted and the mouth of the statue opened into a wide grin and laughed.

Dressed in robes of white and holding knives and likewise smiling and laughing at this spectacle were Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy and former Maryland Lieutenant-Governor Kathleen Kennedy Townsend.

“Hail Moloch,” Congressman Kennedy and Lt.-Gov. Townsend thrust out their right arms in a “Heil Hitler”-like salute towards the statue.

Congressman Kennedy and Lt.-Gov. Townsend then grabbed the cooked remains of the babies from the other end of the brazier and started eating them and smacking their lips in sheer ecstatic orgiastic delight.

“Well done,” Kathleen winked at the statue of Moloch in compliments to the statue’s cooking skills and also in reference to how she liked her meat cooked.

“This is so much better than what we have to digest after one of those Transubstantiation moments that Thomas Aquinas wrote about,” Congressman Kennedy guffawed as he chewed delectably on baby toes.

“Who’s Thomas Aquinas?” his sleezebag airhead cousin asked as she swallowed down mouthfuls of baby liver and kidney with great delight.

“Somebody square old grandmother Rose used to talk about,” Congressman Kennedy spat out a piece of baby ankle as his head rolled back in laughter and he reached for his goblet for another sip of wine.

Suddenly the earth rumbled and shook.

The ground split open and the bodies of unborn babies came out of the ground.

“What the -?” Before Congressman Patrick Kennedy could finish his sentence he was being burnt with saline solution and his arms and legs were being torn apart and sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

“It’s my own personal choice,” spoke the unborn baby holding the vacuum cleaner.

In the meantime, Kathleen Kennedy Townsend was having her ovaries ripped apart.

“To prevent you from becoming a female Cronus towards your own offspring,” an unborn baby girl explained.

* * *

Amadeus Emanon was being awakened from his dream.

Renfield R. Renfield was shaking his shoulders.

“It looked as though you were having a nightmare,” Renfield said, “although I personally enjoy being in nightmares myself.”

“You do?” Amadeus asked.

“Yes, particularly other people’s nightmares,” Renfield winked at Amadeus before heading down to the basement dungeon on the multi-millionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s estate where some chained and tied up people awaited the shapeshifting hamster and Chief of Corporate Security for Set Enterprises.

To be continued.

“Tell me, have you ever heard of an individual called
Renfield R. Renfield?” Akira Lane asked.

“Yes, I have,” Dracul replied.

Renfield R. Renfield (the R. stood for Renfield) was
the evil shapeshifting hamster who served as Chief
of Security and CyberIntelligence for the London-based
ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

“He’s apparently been digging up dead bodies
in the local cemetery here and hooking them up 
to robots,” Akira explained.

“Sort of creating a cyborg robotic zombie then,”
Dracul thought aloud, “where did you say that
you were calling from again?”.

“Roswell, New Mexico,” Akira Lane replied.

“Roswell, New Mexico?” Dracul was incredulous,
“the site of the supposed 1947 UFO crash?”.

“That’s right,” Akira nodded although since she was
speaking over the phone, Dracul couldn’t see her 
nodding.

“Knowing the type of individual we’re dealing with here,”
Dracul said in reference to Renfield, “I wouldn’t be
surprised if those weren’t the dead bodies of ET aliens
that Renfield was digging up and hooking up with robots.”

“Would the U.S. government have actually buried the bodies
of the UFO occupants in a local cemetery where any ET
hunting grave-digger could have easily got at them?”
Akira asked.

“This is the U.S. government we’re talking about,” Dracul noted,
“they do think like a typical bureaucracy at times which is to
say they don’t think at all.”

And in a cemetery in Roswell, New Mexico, Renfield hooked
up the body of the dead gray ET to the Japanese built robot
(the Japanese and the South Koreans built the best robots
in the world) and then generated an electrical shock
into the creature.

The combined ET alien-automaton stirred and
mumbled, “ET… foam… groan… “

“What is singularity?” reporter Akira Lane asked
the vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

“Singularity?” Dracul Van Helsing’s voice 
sounded quizzical over the phone.

“Yes, and I’m not talking about being single,”
Akira laughed, “I’ve heard Singularity as a term
that is currently being talked about in philosophical 
circles.”

“There’s a current branch of scientist-philosophers
who call themselves Transhumanists,” Dracul
Van Helsing explained, “Singularity is a term they
often use. Singularity is the term given to the point 
in our advancing science and technology where
either man and machine become one or where
a machine genuinely becomes more intelligent
than man or more powerful than man.”

“Really?” Akira Lane sounded incredulous.

“The advances in our science and technology are 
happening so fast, that these Transhumanist scientists
and philosophers think it will happen any day now,”
Dracul stated, “there really will be a cyborg with a human brain
or a computer where AI (artificial intelligence) and human
consciousness have joined together.”

“Why do they call themselves Transhumanists?” Akira Lane asked.

“Because they believe in the advent of the Transhuman,” Dracul
Van Helsing answered, “and really what the Transhuman is- is
the 21st Century term for the German ubermensch- the Nietzschean
superman. Naziism and Hitler’s Third Reich gave a bad name
to what these social Darwinist Nietzschean fascists believe
so they’re re-invented themselves and their terms.
The ubermensch and the Supermen of Nietsche are now called
Transhumans. Instead of the Superman advancing by wiping
out what they consider inferior classes of people, the
Transhumanists believe that the elite- those people who
should have the right to rule (for some reason these people
think it’s themselves) will instead be merged with immortal
machines and computers and they shall live forever and they shall
rule forever.”

“There are people who actually believe that?” Akira Lane asked.

“Let’s call one such person Richard Dawkins and another such
person Christopher Hitchens,” Dracul said, “this is what these
two militant atheists tell transhumanists when they’re speaking to
their fellow travellers. They are the new deities- the new gods of
the new age- who will have their brains merged with artificial
intelligence and live forever supposedly. That’s why they look 
down their noses at people who still believe in the existence 
of a supernatural God that exists outside the universe.  In
order for them to become the everlasting deities of the new
order of the Universe, there can’t exist any Supernatural
Creator or deity outside it because this might upset their
plans and they can’t have that.”

To be continued.

 Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show On MTV

A recent news item mentioned that J.K. Rowing told
a New York City audience on her current book tour of the
U.S. that she’s always visualized the character of Albus 
Dumbledore the headmaster of Hogwart’s as being gay.

And you’ve probably noticed the ads at the top of Fropper
pages advertising the latest reality TV show on MTV- Searching
For Love with Tila Tequila.

Tila Tequila whose real name is Tila Nguyen is the Vietnamese-
American singer who used MySpace as a stepping stone to success 
in the music world.

Now on the MTV program starring her, 16 lesbian women
and 16 straight guys are competing for her affections.

It is these two items together that I used to write the 
following fictional tale:

Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show On MTV

Scene: Harry Woo close friend of Dracul Van Helsing
is working at his job at the mansion where the TV show
Searching For Love With Tila Tequila is being shot. Harry
is a go-for (gopher) on the set.

Assistant Director: Harry, what are you doing?

Harry Woo: I’m reading a Harry Potter spell book.

Assistant Director: Never mind that now. Paul one of the contestants
on the set is feeling a craving for Egg Rolls. Can you go and buy him
some? And deliver them to his dressing room?

Harry Woo: Sure.

(Harry walks down to Mrs. James’  Regency Lounge Chinese Take-Out 
and Delivery and picks up an order of egg rolls. He then delivers them to
Paul’s dressing room)

Harry: Okay, now back to reading the Harry Potter Spell Book.

(20 minutes later, the Assistant Director of the show approaches
Harry Woo)

Assistant Director: Harry, can you go get Paul in his dressing
room?

Harry: Sure. (puts down his Harry Potter Spell Book)

(Harry knocks on Paul’s dressing room door. The TV is on
but there’s no answer from Paul)

Harry: Hello? (opens the door)

(No sign of Paul. The TV is on- tuned to CNN and Larry
King is on)

Larry King: The recent talk of the blogosphere this past week
has been the cavorting of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.  The item which was first
mentioned at a India blogging and social networking site has since
been reposted at numerous blogging sites analyzing Venezuelan
politics, Hugo Chavez and his Bolivarian Revolution. The question is:
why are a Marxist socialist and an Aztec vampire princess working together?
What do a disciple of Marx and a High Priestess of the feathered
serpent god Quetzalcoatl  possibly have in common?
To answer these questions, we have as our special guest
the Rev. Pat Robertson…

(Rev. Pat Robertson’s smiling face appears on the screen)

Larry King: Rev. Robertson, a few years ago you called for the
assasination of Hugo Chavez. And a couple of years before
that, you attacked an American university for teaching a course
in Vampire Studies… in fact, you issued a strongly worded
statement saying that vampires don’t exist.
So now what do you make of this claim circulating through
the blogosphere that Chavez has formed an alliance with a vampiress
… an Aztec vampire princess at that…

Rev. Robertson: Well of course there aren’t any vampires…
this is probably a Halloween trick by Mr. Chavez to destabilize
Wall Street and the financial markets.

Anderson Cooper: Larry, if I may be allowed to break in
at this point…

Larry King: Please do, Coop…

Anderson Cooper: We’ve just been informed that a squad
of red shirted Bolivarian Marxist vampires have committed suicide
in unison by staking themselves through the heart…

Larry King: What brought this on?

Anderson Cooper: Well apparently this elite corps of Marxist 
revolutionaries that President Chavez created with the help of the
fangs of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec… Venezuela’s
El Presidente invited the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s
linguistic analysis Marxist windbag Noam Chomsky to address
the revolutionary vampiric corps on the topic of Marxist linguistic
analysis. Five minutes into the lecture, the vampiric Bolivarians
bolted out of the room and impaled themselves on nearby fence posts…

Larry King: I imagine most mortals would do the same if they had to
listen to windbag Chomsky…

(Harry turns off the TV)

Harry: Paul?

(Harry goes over to the couch and finds Paul dead)

Harry: Wow! I guess I better not let these egg rolls go
to waste. (takes a bite of Mrs. James’ Regency Lounge
Chinese Take-Out and Delivery Egg Rolls and then spits
it out). Well, I can now see what killed him.

(Harry runs back to his Harry Potter Spell Book)

Harry: Looks like I’m going to have to find a contestant
to replace Paul.

(Harry chants a spell and calls up Albus Dumbledore)

Assistant Director: Harry, where’s Paul?

Harry: Eating those egg rolls turned him into Albus
Dumbledore.

Assistant Director: Great! Put him on.

At the end of the reality TV series, Tila Tequila makes her
big announcement…

Tila Tequila: And the winner is…

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!

Tila (goes over to the old wizard and kisses him):
Bet you didn’t know I’m bisexual.

Albus Dumbledore: Bet you didn’t know… I’m GAY!

Assistant Director (screaming): Harry! Harry Woo!

Harry Woo: I’ll go get some more egg rolls. (leaves)

 A Slap In The Face For Chavez

A Slap In The Face For Chavez
A chapter in a Vampire Novel
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on October 17th, 2007

It was Tuesday evening, October 16th, 2007 in
the Presidential Palace in Caracas, Venezuela.

And Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had
just submitted to the Venezuelan Parliament
changes to the Venezuelan Constitution that
would give the President more powers.

So in this respect, it had been a good day for
Chavez.

Another thing Chavez was rejoicing over was
the death of one of his fiercest and long-standing
critics, Roman Catholic Cardinal Rosalio Castillo 
Lara, aged 85.

Chavez had just been informed that this episcopal
thorn in his side had died today (Tuesday, October
16th, 2007).

And he had further good news.

The Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who
had upset Chavez’s plans to bring back Ernesto Che Guevara
from the dead- well Chavez had been informed that a
Venezuelan intelligence agent had gunned down
Van Helsing in front of the Westminster Parliament on
the River Thames last night (Monday evening, October 15th,
2007),

Suddenly Chavez felt a breeze in the Presidential office
as a strong powerful rustling wind blew in from outside.

The office lights went dark and then came on again.

Standing there in an exquisite black evening dress was
the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

“Your Highness,” Chavez approached her, “how nice to see
you…”

The vampire princess raised her hand and struck Chavez firmly
across the face, “It’s lucky for you that Dracul Van Helsing is
expected to live. Otherwise you wouldn’t be living at this moment.
And if I ever hear about an attempt from you to kill Van Helsing again,
the Red Revolution in Latin America will be happening without you.
You’ll be in a tomb.”

The lights went out again.

There was another powerful breeze and the slamming of
a window.

Then lights were on.

And Chavez stood there rubbing the side of his face.

Why would Her Highness the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
be upset about an attempt on the life of a vampire hunter? 
Especially one as notorious in the vampire world as Dracul Van Helsing?

Chavez sighed.

He’d never be able to understand vampiresses.

 The Hugo Chavez Show with Special Guest Fidel Castro

The Hugo Chavez Show with Special Guest
Fidel Castro
A chapter in a Vampire Novel
written by Christopher 
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on October 15th, 2007

Yesterday Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was in
Santa Clara, Cuba visiting the mausoleum of Ernesto
Che Guevara who was killed 40 years ago this past week.

Chavez did a TV broadcast from the mausoleum for his
weekly TV show broadcast on state run Venezuelan television.

He talked to Cuban President Fidel Castro by phone on the program.

Here’s part of the conversation that was not broadcast on  television
for the Venezuelan viewing audience:

Castro: So Hugo, I thought you told me that you had hired
a Haitian witch doctor who could read the Haitian Book of the Dead
and he was going to raise our friend Comrade Che from the dead
as a surprise ensemble to the 40th anniversary celebration?

Chavez: Didn’t Raul mention that an enemy agent poisoned
Doctor Bones Duvalier’s Chicken and Ribs before the
ceremony and Duvalier dropped dead before he could bring
Che back to life?

Castro: No, my brother didn’t mention it. I’ll have to chew him out
next time I see him.

Chavez: Anyhow my Intelligence Services in Venezuela have sent an
agent after Doctor Duvalier’s poisoner.

Castro: That’s good to hear.

                                               * * *

Scene: London, England. Dracul Van Helsing is taking a stroll
along the Thames in front of Big Ben and the Westminster
Parliament.

Dracul stopped momentarily as he received an incoming
text message on his Samsung cell phone.

It was a message from Princess Qonzilqointec the Aztec vampiress
who was wanting to know the names of machine gun-toting bikini
babes in Delhi, India.

Dracul decided not to respond to the request. The princess was probably
wanting to bump somebody off.

There was enough violence in the world as it is Dracul thought
to himself as he passed a newspaper box with a headline
that told a grisly story of three robbery suspects in Port Elizabeth,
South Africa who had been captured by cannibalistic vampires
and slow roasted over an open fire as they screamed in unison
to the melody of Beethoven’s Song of Joy which was being played
by the Vampire Cannibal Symphony Orchestra at the outdoor concert
and dinner.

“Dracul,” a feminine voice called out after the Canadian vampire
hunter.

Van Helsing turned around and noticed the pretty long-haired
brunette dressed in a red sweater, rusty brown skirt and spiked
red leather boots.

“Athena?” Dracul approached the woman, “Athena Guerrido?”.

He approached the Venezuelan born art curator whom he had met
at an art show and exposition in New York City last autumn.

The woman pulled out a gun out of her purse and shot Dracul
point blank in the chest.

“Damn, I hate it when that happens,” Dracul remarked as he
fell to the ground.

“Vengeance for the Revolution,” Athena gave a clenched-fist salute.

“I never knew you were a Communist,” Dracul gasped,  “there aren’t many
Marxists who do their Master’s thesis in Art History on the English Pre-
Raphaelites.”

“I can’t seem to find my lipstick,” Senorita Guerrido remarked
as she rummaged through her purse after putting the gun back.

“I notice you’re wearing my favourite perfume,” were Dracul’s
last words before he lost consciousness.

To be continued.

 Noble Vampire? Nobel Vampire?

Noble Vampire? Nobel Vampire?
A chapter in a Vampire Novel
written by Christopher 
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on October 13th, 2007

It was the penthouse- the top floor of an exclusive
Manhattan apartment building.

And Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been the Russian
Communist Leon Trotsky) was celebrating.

As head of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and
Climate Change, he was as pleased as punch (and the
punch was flowing heavily in the apartment as was the
champagne and smoked oysters) that Al Gore
and the UN IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel on
Climate Change) had been jointly awarded the Nobel
Peace Prize.

“So are you going to Oslo to accept the prize with Mr.
Gore?” the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec sat
with her legs crossed in a lavender evening gown
showing her nicely shaped thighs and ankles through
sheer finesse black silk nylon and tapped the spiked 
stiletto heel of one of her lavender coloured shoes on the
floor.

“Well, I’d like to but I’ve been told that IPCC Chairman
Rajendra Pachauri who lives in Delhi will probably
be going to Oslo to accept the award on behalf of
the IPCC and will be appearing with Mr. Gore,” Lev Tomi
swallowed an oyster.

Well, I’d like to but I’ve been told that IPCC Chairman
Rajendra Pachauri who lives in Delhi will probably
be going to Oslo to accept the award on behalf of
the IPCC and will be appearing with Mr. Gore,” Lev Tomi
swallowed an oyster.

“You look disappointed,” Qonzilqointec smiled.

“Well, I’d like to have gone and been made a big fuss over,”
Tomi nodded, “plus I’d like to have sampled some of that
Norwegian lutefisk -that salted white fish they serve over in
Norway.”

“I’ve been told by a friend of mine that lutefisk can be
deadly,” Qonzilqointec sipped from a glass of champagne, 
“In a lutefisk eating competition in Kingman, Alberta, Canada
held a few years ago, a man died after eating 97 plates of
the stuff at one sitting. He won the contest but didn’t live
to enjoy the prize.”

“What was the prize?” Tomi asked as he reached for an
egg roll.

“A year’s supply of lutefisk,” Qonzilqointec held out her glass
to receive more champagne from the catering valet.

“I doubt whether I’d be eating that much lutefisk,” Tomi salted
his sushi and took a bite.

“You’ll be eating none at all if you don’t go to Oslo,” Qonzilqointec
lifted another toothpick of smoked oyster to her lips.

“That’s true,” Tomi looked as sad as an Australian cricket fan
in the recent Twenty/20 Cup semi-finals.

“If you want this friend of mine who warned me about the
lutefisk,” Qonzilqointec started tapping her stiletto again, “he
knows someone in Delhi who has access to machine gun-toting
bikini babes. We could see that Mr. Pachauri wouldn’t be able to
make the trip.”

“That might be an idea,” Tomi walked over to the samovar
to pour himself a cup of tea.

As he tasted the tea, he wondered to himself why the best tasting tea
out of samovars seemed to have been served in the Czarist era?
An era he had helped put an end to.
“Lemon?” Qonzilqointec held up a lemon for Comrade Tomi’s
tea just as a commercial for the latest Chrysler product appeared
on television.

To be continued.

 Will Che Rise Again?

The following is a chapter of the vampire novel that I’m
writing. As many of you are probably unfamiliar with the plot,
here’s a brief summary:

The Russian Communist Leon Trotsky is alive and well
as a vampire. He was turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire
Princess Qonzilqointec as he lay in his hospital bed shortly after
receiving a blow to the head by one of Stalin’s agents in Mexico City
back in the summer of 1940.

Today Leon Trotsky lives under another alias Lev Tomi and
he’s head of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate
Change where he hopes to use the threat of global warming to establish
a one-world Marxist government with himself as head.

Tomi has informal alliances with a variety of creatures living and unDead.

Among them:

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who also is
plotting a one-world government. But one with her spiritual
father the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl as its
head when he returns to Earth in 2012 according to ancient
Aztec and Mayan prophecies.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez: Who fancies himself
the future Maoist-Marxist socialist head of a united Latin America.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set who lives in the City
of London and is likewise plotting a one world-government with 
himself as head.

Among the enemies of this quartet are:

The ancient Egyptian vampiress Isis: whose husband Osiris
was imprisoned by a spell of Set’s that cast him to the star Sirius. Isis
is working to thwart Set’s plans and return Osiris to earth where she
and Osiris will jointly preside over a one-world government.

Dracul Van Helsing: a Canadian vampire hunter.

Hyung Grace Kwan: a South Korean vampire huntress

Will Che Rise Again?
A chapter in a vampire novel
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had just returned
from a ceremony honouring the memory of Marxist
revolutionary Ernesto Che Guevara who had been
executed in Bolivia 40 years ago today.

In the speech, Chavez had called Che an “infinite
revolutionary”.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was dressed
in a vibrant yellow evening dress and sitting on an elegant
sofa in El Presidente’s office as Chavez entered the room.

“Impressive speech,” Qonzilqointec congratulated Chavez.

“Thank you,” President Chavez helped himself to a glass of
tequila, “Ernesto’s infinite revolutionary status may soon take
on a more literal meaning.”

“What do you mean?” asked Princess Qonzilqointec as she
helped herself to a roasted frog’s leg from a tin of roasted
frog legs and placed one on a cracker with a dash of caviar
and proceeded to eat.

“At this moment, I have a Haitian witch doctor, Doctor Bones Duvalier
over at Che’s mausoleum in Santa Clara, Cuba where Raul my dear friend
Fidel’s brother is presiding over a massive celebration honouring the great
man Che’s life,” Chavez declined a frog’s leg when offered from the vampire
princess, “and this evening he is going to attempt to bring Che back to life
using a little known spell from the extremely rare Haitian Book of the Dead.”

“I’ve never heard of the Haitian Book of the Dead,” the Aztec princess tore
into another frog’s leg with much relish (and mustard!), “and I’ve been
around for over half a millenium.”

“It turns out the Haitian Book of the Dead is very rare,” Chavez dipped
a cracker into some salsa sauce and ate, “so rare in fact, that no one
thought a copy existed. Then some brilliant Caracas librarian made a point
of checking for it on Amazon.com and sure enough they still had a copy.
It will be that copy they’re using at tonight’s ceremony.”

                              – - -

At the mausoleum of Ernesto Che Guevara in Santa Clara, Cuba:

Raul Castro is inspecting the guard of honour.

At one corner of the site, Dracul Van Helsing stands wearing a fake
Fidel-looking beard and wearing a Cuban revolutionary army hat
and smoking a Cuban cigar.

Hyung Grace Kwan is dressed in the colourful white blouse and 
red skirt of a Spanish dancer.

“Which one is Doctor Bones Duvalier?” Hyung asked.

“He’s the one up on the honoured guests’ platform eating the
plate of Canadian Swiss Chalet style Chicken and Ribs,” Dracul
answered , “it’s apparently his favourite entree.”

“How did he get the name Bones Duvalier?” Hyung asked.

“No one is sure whether it was because he spent a lot of times in
cemeteries as a child or whether his father was an overzealous fan
of the character of Doctor McCoy on the original Star Trek,” Dracul explained.

“And only he can read the inscriptions from the Haitian Book of the Dead 
that has the power to bring the dead back to ife?” Hyung looked at the
face of Doctor Bones Duvalier.

“Not anymore,” Dracul remarked as Doctor Bones Duvalier keeled over
face first into the sour cream of the baked potato.

“He’s dead,” a Cuban revolutionary guard shouted.

“How did you do that?” Hyung asked with much admiration
in her eyes.

“I was the one who prepared the Swiss Chalet Chicken and Ribs dish,”
Dracul smiled, “for the sauce I used a pinch of some South African mushrooms
that my friend Tim in Port Elizabeth sent me. Those mushrooms had been
prepared at the hotel where Tim works when it was thought that former
Deputy Vice-President Jacob Zuma would be visiting the dining room.
When Zuma didn’t show up,  Tim sent the specially prepared mushrooms to me
to serve for a special occasion.”

“So what was good enough for the Emperor Claudius was good enough
for Duvalier,” Hyung spoke with a twinkle in her eyes. 

 Hyung Reads Dracul’s Yearbook

In the London hotel room where South Korean vampire huntress
Hyung Grace Kwan and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing
are staying, Hyung is seated on the sofa wearing a plain white blouse,
medium length black skirt, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto 
high heels.

Dracul is seated on a chair dressed in a swim suit as he has just returned
from the hotel pool.

On the radio is the voice of South Africa’s Tim Wood on the station
Radio-Allegro, South Africa’s 24/7 all classical music radio station:

“You have been listening to the London Philharmonic Orchestra
playing Rossini’s William Tell Overture,” Wood stated, “And speaking
of the William Tell Overture, we’ve just received news that Bollywood
actor Rajanikanth is to play the Lone Ranger in a Quentin Tarantino
re-make of the 1940s Hollywood film.  Sir Anthony Hopkins is putting in
a guest appearance as Sir Isaac Newton which is kind of shocking because
if my historical knowledge serves me correct, Newton did not live in the days
of the American Wild West.”

“I understand your friend Amit has recovered from his head wound
after he was shot by that machine-gun toting bikini babe,” Hyung said.

“Yes, it was only a *flesh wound* as a Monty Python character
who has lost all his arms and legs in an Arthurian medieval swordfight
might put it,” Dracul nodded.

“A lucky thing for Amit,” Hyung smiled.

“Lucky indeed,” Dracul agreed, “for the machine-gun toting bikini babe
who called herself a nice person on her profile page took her firearms
training at the Harry Woo School of Firearms Marksmanship.”

“So Amit didn’t suffer any brain damage?” Hyung asked.

“Doctors are still trying to determine that,” Dracul helped
himself to some pretzels off the table, “the Indian Congress Party
are thinking of nominating Amit as their next leader depending
on the results of the medical test.”

“You mean if Amit didn’t suffer any brain damage, the Congress Party
might nominate Amit for their next leader?” Hyung inquired.

“No, they’ll only nominate Amit for their next leader if he DID suffer
brain damage,” Dracul helped himself to an iced tea, “it’s apparently
what the Congress Party are searching for in a leader.”

“I’m just looking through your High School yearbook,” Hyung said, “at your likes
and dislikes. Have they changed much over the years?”

“It depends,” Dracul sat back in his chair, “what have they got listed?”

Hyung read the list aloud.

Dracul Van Helsing’s likes:

Likes: women wearing skirts and dresses, Indian, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese
and Mexican cuisine, Shakespeare’s plays, Sherlock Holmes novels, romantic
comedies, mystery, detective and horror/monster and vampire films.

Dracul Van Helsing’s dislikes:

Dislikes:  women wearing pants and trousers, parsnips, turnips, Fascism,
Naziism and Marxism.

Hyung raised her skirt and asked Dracul:
“So does that pretty much describe your likes and dislikes today?”

“Pretty much,” Dracul looked at her appreciatively.

The End.

 Vladimir Putin Watches Videos

Russian President Vladimir Putin was being shown a series of videos
by Dmitri the assistant head of the Russian FSB (the successor of the Soviet KGB).

The video is of a man in a New Delhi swimming pool being approached
by a beautiful woman in a bikini.

“That man… isn’t he Amit Dhawan the well-known Fropper blogger?” Putin
asked.

“That’s right,” Dmitri nodded, “I have no idea who the girl is.”

“Still that hasn’t stopped you from getting an erection every time
you look at her, ” Putin noted.

“I see your ballistic missile is standing at attention as well, Mister President,”
Dmitri retorted.

“I hope to improve Russian-Indian relations in the near future,” Putin replied.

Suddenly the girl in the bikini opens a violin case and pulls out a machine gun
and shoots Amit in the swimming pool.

“Mister Dhawan seems to have been bumped off,” Putin observed, “was this
an agent of George W. Bush getting back at Mr. Dhawan for the blog post
he wrote on Pakistan yesterday?”.

“No, George W. Bush doesn’t have beautiful women working for him,” Dmitri
answered, “mind you the women working for Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton 
are even uglier than Bush’s.”

“Was this a disciple of the Red Mosque who bumped off Mister Dhawan?” Putin
inquired.

“No, otherwise she would have been wearing a burka instead of a bikini,”
Dmitri replied.

“Any idea who was responsible?” Putin held up a globe of the world
and wondered whether he should plant his Russian flag down at the South
Pole as well.

“I believe it was the noted Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing,”
Dmitri replied, “one of the hates Mister Van Helsing has is being tagged
on the Net and our Russian bikini spies from New Delhi (who spy when
they aren’t pretending to be African orphan women with billions in their
bank account that they are unable to access) report that Amit had tagged
Mr. Van Helsing to post a blog listing his 5 most intense hates. This was
probably Mr. Van Helsing’s response to being tagged.”

“Do you suppose we could get Mr. Bush to tag Mr. Van Helsing?” Putin asked.

“I think Tag is too intellectual a game for Mr. Bush to understand,” Dmitri
replied.

Putin nodded.

The End.

sarejess said: A wonderful read one can see you take every advantage of the news to make a good story.September 13, ‘07

shaile_0000 said: )September 12, ‘07

bakedalaska said: Simply exquisite! Thanks Amit for getting me to Dracula, he’l remain on my radar. N amit, that’s the way to go man! Hard! Lol!September 12, ‘07

jdoc said: i read in news that vladimir putin has named a unknown person as prime minister, i have strong suspecian that he is mr Amit Dhavan as he survived somehow as in hindi movie hero does in spite of shooting in the head, ha ha haSeptember 12, ‘07

jdoc said: but i still dont know who was hating whom and why. thats the greatest part cause people are bound to think it is a hate mail tag, note you have not tagged anybody specifically.September 12, ‘07

jdoc said: amazing fiction mr drcule you should be the sheikhspear insteda of dracule. best of all posts on fropper unnanimously.September 12, ‘07

sangeet9633 said: oh lovely ! I’m so grateful to my timely thinking that atleast I asked you before tagging you!I would have met with the same fate otherwise! lol good work September 12, ‘07

ASYLUM said: Amazing Dracul! Thanks for sending this one, loverulez! I was a bit lost through the story and the tag thing came in and then it was dawn! Very vindictive and evil! And now we have to insist that you do write a hate list after all!September 12, ‘07

sonya_b2000 said: hi. interesting.September 12, ‘07

loverulez said: lol tis is d bestest of all d posts i’ve read at fropper n m gonna share it wid everyone in my list !!!!!September 12, ‘07

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