Nursery Rhyme Updated…

July 31, 2007 at 8:04 pm (Poetry)

by DraculVanHelsing
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down
the silly clown
and Jill ran off
with an otter! 🙂

Posted on: July 31, ’07

-Written by Christopher aka Dracul Van Helsing July 31st, 2007  

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Why The Tortoise Was Able to Win the Race?

July 31, 2007 at 5:50 pm (Humour)

 Why The Tortoise Was Able To Win the Race?


Why The Tortoise Was Able To Win
The Race?
A commercial for CNN News
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 30th, 2007

Voice of CNN Announcer:

It was hailed as the race of the century…

even though it was a sure win for one of the 
two participants…

…the hard-drinking Guinness imbibing skirt chasing
Chicago Irish-American hare…

Mr. Blarney Airport O’Hare…

… and on the other side…

… the slow-moving slower than molasses in January tortoise…

… Mr. Terry Tortoise…

… then on that hot day in early July…

… the result that stunned the world…

… Terry Tortoise defeated Blarney Airport O’Hare…

… in the 1,500 metre dash…

… hares everywhere were crushed…

… in fact they couldn’t sell Rabbit Stew fast enough 
off Walmart shelves…

…tortoises everywhere were rejoicing…

… and buying up Nike running shoes faster than they
were buying up Life Insurance policies…

… then the news last week that sent every tortoise crawling
back into his shell…

… the results of the drug test…

… Terry Tortoise had been using steroids…

… Tonight on the next Larry King…

Larry King: Why the tortoise was able to win the race?…

Announcer: Larry talks to Terry Tortoise’s manager…

Larry: Did you suspect anything?

Terry’s manager: Well, I suppose I should have become suspicious when
I saw him shooting up with needles. But I thought… I just thought…
he was a heroin addict. I’d never dream he’d be using steroids…

Announcer: Larry talks to Terry’s mother…

Larry: What do you have to say about Terry?
Terry’s mother (blubbbering): Well Terry was always a good boy.
He never did anything wrong in his life. He always won the Boy
Scout Award each year for helping little old ladies across the street.
He was voted the epitome of Honesty and Integrity in the High School
Yearbook. I always instilled him with the highest moral values possible.
His teachers and his coaches never had anything bad to say about him.
Everyone praised him. He was last year’s winner of the Citizen of the Year Award.

Larry: And now he’s been busted as a steroid junkie… he cheated to win
this race…

Terry’s mother (nodding): Yes, that’s right!… 

Announcer: Larry talks to Terry’s best friend…

Larry: What sort of guy was Terry?

Terry’s best friend: Terry was the type of tortoise who’d give
you the shirt off his back…

Larry (pointing out): But tortoises don’t wear shirts on
their backs…

Terry’s best friend: Well in Terry’s case, it was because he gave it
to someone…

Announcer:  And following Larry King… on Anderson Cooper’s 360…

360 Program Announcer… It’s not only athletes who are letting America 
down…

Anderson Cooper: Former US President Bill Clinton tests positive for Viagara 
use…

360 Program Announcer: The former President breaks down and tells all
in the booth of a small New York City diner…

Bill Clinton (weeping and crying and sobbing as he laments to
Anderson Cooper): Oh, for the days when I was able to successfully
cause laundry stains without any pharmaceutical help…

Voice of CNN Announcer: On the next Anderson Cooper 360…

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What Really Happened Aboard The Mary Celeste?

July 31, 2007 at 3:10 pm (TV Commercials)

 What Really Happened Aboard The Mary Celeste?


My friend Sapna has observed that I like to make up my own
joke one-liners.

That is very true!

I also like to write my own TV commercials.

And it occurred to me that I hadn’t done that in a while.

So I decided to write one tonight.

TV Commercial Written
by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 28th, 2007
Name of commercial:
What really happened aboard the Mary Celeste?

Scene: As a ship is shown tossed to and fro in the
midst of a terrible storm, the narrator’s voice spookily intones:

On November 7th, 1872 under the command of Captain
Benjamin Briggs, the ship Mary Celeste set sail from Staten
Island, New York to Genoa, Italy…

But…

She never reached her destination…

(spooky organ music hits crescendo in background)

The narrator’s voice continues to spookily intone:

On the evening of December 4th to 5th, 1872, she was found adrift
in Atlantic Ocean waters headed straight towards the Strait of Gibraltor.

No one was found aboard the ship save a single cat.

The ship had been abandoned for some mysterious reason…

(Voice of ghostly laughter is heard in the background)

(Scene: A huge burly sweating perspiring sailor of a man
can be seen boarding a ship marked Mary Celeste)

Voice of TV commercial announcer: Have you ever considered
what might happen if your underarm deodorant protection breaks 
down?

Voice of narrator: The ship Mary Celeste set sail… never reached
her destination… the ship had been abandoned for some mysterious
reason…

Voice of TV commercial announcer: Please use Old Spice underarm
deodorant… the kind made for men of the sea…

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Reflections On the Weather For A Late July Day…

July 30, 2007 at 8:02 pm (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)

by DraculVanHelsing
Well it’s extremely hot here at the moment!

In fact, it’s so hot that even the sun is having to escape into the shade! 😉

Posted on: July 30, ’07 

-Dracul Van Helsing, July 30th, 2007

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Poem For Harry Potter

July 30, 2007 at 3:02 am (Poetry)

 Poem For Harry Potter


A Poem For Harry Potter
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
written July 21st, 2007
The date of release of
J.K. Rowling’s 7th and
final Harry Potter book
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Harry Potter you’re a wizard kid
doin’ things a wizard should
forever scarred by Voldemort
scarred on your forehead 
in your soul
gawked at by people whereever you go.

You lost your father, mother
forced to live with muggles cruel
your life’s a stool
till you reached Hogwarts
set you free
or so it seemed
but Voldemort won’t let you go.

Killed Sirius and Dumbledore
sometimes turned your friends into foe
you had nowhere to go.
And now you must stop and face him now
Fight the foe!
For he’ll never let you go.

Harry Potter you’re a wizard kid
doin’ things a wizard should
forever scarred by Voldemort
scarred on your forehead
in your soul
gawked at by people whereever you go.

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If Women Ran America…

July 29, 2007 at 3:15 am (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)

DraculVanHelsing said:
And someday in America, instead of people calling for the impeachment of Vice-President Dick Cheney and the impeachment of President George W. Bush, people might be calling for the impeachment of Vice-President Lindsay Lohan and the impeachment of President Paris Hilton! 🙂

July 28, ’07

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The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl

July 26, 2007 at 4:19 am (Songs)

 The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl


The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl
A song written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 25th, 2007
to the tune of the old Irish song
The Wild Colonial Boy

There was a wild Lindsay Lohan girl, Lindsay Lohan was her name
when it came to finding cocaine, she claimed she’d been framed
She was not doing dope, her car just went for a twirl
and dearly did the tabloids love the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

At the early age of sixteen years, she had more than a thousand beers
and to California traffic laws, she gave several bronx cheers
She went up on the sidewalk running over Patrolman Merle
a terror to the highways was the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

One fine evening as Lindsay rode along
she threw out the window her very thin thong
Three mounted troopers charged her down
this drunken airheaded clown
as she went out for a whirl
the trap was sprung to capture her
the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

Surrender now, Lindsay Lohan, you see it’s three to one
Surrender  now Lindsay Lohan,  a DUI isn’t fun
She threw two panties and a belt and cursed Officer Merle
I’ll scream and pout forever cried the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

She swore at trooper Kelly and almost ran him down
And charging on to Davis, he was forced to hit the ground
A bullet pierced through her bra as she ran down Officer Merle
and that’s the way they captured her, the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

 

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Thoughts and Reflections on Love of Nature

July 22, 2007 at 6:45 pm (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)

by Bridges 
Fall in love with nature.
It will make you adorable.

Nature is waiting for you
with open arms!
Adi

Posted on: July 21, ’07

by DraculVanHelsing
Help! I’ve just been stung by a bee while trying to fall in love with nature! 😉
Posted on: July 22, ’07 

-Dracul Van Helsing

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Truth, Beauty And… ?

July 19, 2007 at 10:04 pm (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)

by Bridges
For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it.
For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it.
For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.

***Catch your hit ***
Adi

by DraculVanHelsing
For every cab driver in New York City,
there are still 10 people waiting to catch a cab! 🙂

Have a wonderful day! 🙂

Hit.

Posted on: July 19, ’07 

-Dracul Van Helsing

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Reflections On A Thursday

July 19, 2007 at 9:14 pm (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)

How’s your Thursday going?

Thursday was of course named after the Norse god Thor.

Thor was the Norse god of thunder who carried around a big hammer.

Occasionally Thor would accidently hit his thumb with his hammer and then it would stick out like a *thor thumb*! 😉

Posted on: July 19, ’07 

-Dracul Van Helsing

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