Tim’s 19th Century E-Mail Challenge

September 27, 2007 at 4:38 pm (Satire)

 Tim’s 19th Century E-Mail Challenge


My friend Tim (whose pen name here is SAREJESS) 
recently issued what he called a 19th Century E-mail
Challenge in his Blog.

The challenge was to imagine e-mails existed 
in the 19th Century and to write an e-mail about
some 19th century happening.

One could write either as a real historical personage
or a literary character of the 19th century.

So here’s my 19th Century e-mails:

From: Oscar Wilde owilde@oldbailey.co.uk

To: Queen Victoria victoriaR@buckinghampalace.co.uk

Sent: May 25th, 1895 at 2:05 PM

Subject: The Stupidity of the British Jury 

Your Majesty:

I’ve just been convicted of sodomy!

What a bummer! 😉

Your not so gay at the moment
obedient servant,

~Oscar Wilde.

From: Queen Victoria <victoriaR@buckinghampalace.co.uk>

To: Oscar Wilde <owilde@oldbailey.co.uk>

Sent: May 25th, 1895 at 2:35 PM

Re: The Stupidity of the British Jury

My dear and most wayward subject Oscar:

We are not amused! 😦

Your Sovereign and Queen
and England’s ONLY Queen (do bear that in mind, Mr. Wilde!),

~Victoria R.

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Special Guest On The Next Oprah…

September 26, 2007 at 6:10 pm (Satire, TV Commercials)

 Special Guest On The Next Oprah


I haven’t done some satirical commercials for a while.

So I thought I’d do a couple based on Iranian President Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad’s announcement in his UN speech yesterday that
there are no gays in Iran.

Oprah Winfrey’s voice: On the next Oprah, we have a very special guest…

(Iran’s supreme spiritual leader the Ayatollah Ali Khameini is seated next to
Oprah)

Oprah: Your Excellency, I understand you have a message you’d like to give
the Iranian people and the world…

Ayatollah Khameini: Yes, I’d like to take this opportunity to come out
of the closet and announce to the world that…. I’m gay…

Voice of CNN Announcer: On the next Anderson Cooper 360…

Anderson Cooper: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announces
his intention not to return home to Iran but to live in exile abroad…

Voice of CNN Announcer: On the next Anderson Cooper 360…

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Oceans Apart… Day After Day…

September 24, 2007 at 12:36 pm (Poetry)

by Sweetestsmile [ 31, F, Bandung (Bandoeng) ]
Because we are so far apart,
I often wonder how you are
So I sent a special prayer up above
For an angel to watch over you
From heaven’s view
To care for and look after you
The way I wish I could do.
From beyond the world so high
There is an angel guarding you for me
Bringing you hope and delivering peace.

Have a thrilling evening and monday’s hit for you!

Posted on: September 24, ’07

by DraculVanHelsing  Online Online
We are indeed far apart
across the ocean waves so high
a vast expanse of sea under the widening sky
I thank you for your angel
that watches over me
and when I see your smiling face
I thank the heavens for thee.

Have a wonderful Monday evening! 🙂

Posted on: September 24, ’07  

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A Leprechaun Visits Oktoberfest

September 22, 2007 at 2:54 pm (Humour, Poetry)

 A Leprechaun Visits Oktoberfest


While Hercules was a man of brawn
Seamus was a leprechaun
by Lake Killarney’s shores he did roam
drinking Guinness with lots of foam
and then one day at his pot o’ gold
The Munich Times he did unfold
said the newspaper in black and white
Oktoberfest starts tonight.

So on Aer Lingus he did ride
A little fellow with nothing to hide
into Bavaria he flew
off the plane skip-de-loo
and to Munich Square he rode
in search of the lager liquid gold.

Squeezing a beauteous barmaid
while eating toast with marmalade
more beer! more beer! he shouted in the breeze
viewing the long line-up for washroom pees
India has beaten Aussie-land
that’s so cricket and ain’t that grand
said Seamus to the polka band.

Seamus downed the beer
a little imp full of cheer
and when he had drank his fill
he kissed a fraulein under the window sill
Now Hans her boyfriend saw the thing
Raged he, I’ll give your neck a ring
I’ll run away ’tis the thing
answered Seamus
in front of a bus
driven by Britney Spears
who shouted “Great Gus!”.

And so Seamus flew through the air
Miss Spears kedaddled out of Munich Square
’tis the latest blonde celebrity fun
for an airhead- to hit and run!

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To Live By The Sword

September 20, 2007 at 7:49 pm (Short stories)

 To Live By The Sword


It was a spring evening in 1912.

And Doctor Paul Lindley professor emeritus of Medieval History
at Uriel College, Oxford was examining a sword.

“Congratulations, Professor Quigley,” Doctor Lindley smiled
at the younger man, “this gold sword from the Celtic inscriptions
on it is indeed King Arthur’s sword Excalibur. Through this find,
you have proven that a man shrouded in mist and myth really did
exist. And so did his famous sword.”

“I was right to dig around the remnants of that ancient lakebed near
Glastonbury Tor,” Professor Quigley smiled back, “I thought it was the
lakebed which when a lake had the mystical Isle of Avalon on it. And so
the sword Excalibur was there. I shall make a great deal of money from
this find.”

“Money,” Doctor Lindley coughed, “but this sword is an important part
of Britain’s heritage. It must be given to the British Museum.”

“Nonsense,” Professor Quigley glared at the older man angrily, “I already
have an American millionaire in New York lined up to buy it. He’s to pay me
one million dollars for it.”

“I’m going to report this to the Antiquities Authority,” Doctor Lindley pointed
his finger at the younger man, “we do have laws in this country about plundering
important historical artifacts and selling them for profit.”

“You’ll do no such thing,” Professor Quigley grabbed the sword
and thrust it through the older man’s breast piercing his heart and killing
him.

Professor Quigley wiped the blood off the sword and put it in his suitcase.
His boat to New York would leave tomorrow.

The next morning consternation could be heard throughout the
college rooms when Doctor Lindley’s body was found.

But Professor Quigley was already at the British Customs desk in Southampton.

“Open your suitcase,” the Customs officer instructed.

Professor Quigley felt faint.

“Joe, a woman has fainted,” another customs officer called out, “could
you lend a hand?”.

“All right, go ahead,” the customs officer waved Quigley aboard.

With his suitcase containing the sword Excalibur locked safely away in his
cabin, Professor Quigley breathed deeply the salt air as the ship left shore.

Yes, he Professor Ichabod Quigley had an appointment with destiny…

… the professor was still smiling as he walked beside a life jacket
emblazoned with the ship’s name…

… R.M.S. Titanic…

The End.

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Pirately Advice

September 20, 2007 at 7:40 pm (Poetry)

 Pirately Advice


Sometimes in the book of life
we find its pages are filled with strife
sometimes life cuts like a knife
sometimes life is filled with joy
and your ship comes in, Ship ahoy!

-Dracul Van Helsing

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A Cheesy Tale From The Wild West

September 18, 2007 at 6:25 pm (Humour, Poetry)

 A Cheesy Tale From the Wild West


In the days of the Wild West
many were put to the test
Billy the Kid and Jessie James
Charlie Russell selecting frames
Will Bill Hickok and Sitting Bull
rum runners and their barrels full.

But ne’er a tale has been told
if I may be so bold
of the mouse called Klaus
who sat in a tiny house.

But Klaus wasn’t the biggest cheese in town
that was a piece of cheddar on top of the goose down
how it got on the pillow no one knows
but among all cheeses, it never froze
which was a good thing
as the night was chilly
another outlaw buried on Boot Hilly
and Klaus roamed the streets
stopping off at Old Pete’s
for a pint of ale
where Charlie sat looking pale.

Charlie, why so white?
I don’t think it’s the moonlight
either that or you’re feeling tight.

It’s the cheese down at McKnee’s
old Charlie did wheeze
someone should eat it before it goes bad
a waste of cheddar is very sad.

With that I agree, Klaus raised his glass
the barmaid sighed,
What a pain in the a- -!

And out the door Klaus did march
though his clothes needed a bit of starch
down the street he walked 
while others talked
and to the house McKnee he charged
breaking the door he did barge.

And there by the window under the willow
was the piece of cheese on the pillow
Klaus climbed the bed and ate
and now can you guess his fate
the worst case of constipation ever
The Guinness Record Book did rate.

The End.

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Another Paris Sows Discord

September 17, 2007 at 3:06 pm (Satire)

 Another Paris Sows Discord


Paris Hilton was visiting a new disco that had just opened 
up in London, UK.

The name of the disco was the Nephilim Anakim Disco.

“Good evening, Miss Hilton,” the disco owner greeted
her, “how are you?”.

“Fine,” Paris dressed in a see-through pale blue mini dress
held out her hand, “and you are?”.

“Lucifer,” the owner shook her hand, “but you can call me Luce for
short.”

“Lucifer,” Paris scratched her head, “that name sounds vaguely
familiar for some reason.”

“Well I doubt very much you heard the name in Sunday school,” Lucifer
smiled, “since most churches these days say I no longer exist.”

Paris said, “Excuse me but I’m going up to the bar.”

“Do drink and drive,” Lucifer bowed.

The demoness Lilith dressed in a black leather mini dress,
fishnet nylons and black spiked stiletto heels approached Lucifer.

“Well, Luce,” the demoness who was the mother of all vampires smiled, “I see
Paris has arrived. Should we get this party started?”.

“Yes,” Lucifer smiled, “when we remember the havoc another Paris caused
3,000 years ago.”

Lilith directed her maidservant Eris who was dressed in a French maid’s
outfit to go over to a certain table.

At the table were seated the 3 Greek gods Zeus, Apollo and Eros (Eros
is of course better known to the world by his Latin name Cupid).

The Greek god Zeus looks like Bill Clinton with a beard (and also
acts like him).

Apollo looks like Brad Pitt.

Eros (Cupid) looks like a bearded dwarf (which is what he is).

Eris threw a golden apple down on the table- an apple inscribed with the
word Kallisti (“for the most beautiful one”).

“Well,” said Zeus speaking in a Greek dialect that seemed to resemble
an Arkansas drawl, “since I’m the most beautiful one here, I’ll take this 
apple.”

“Nonsense,” said Apollo speaking in a Greek dialect that seemed to
resemble the California accent of a Hollywood blockbuster superstar,
“since I’m the most beautiful one here, I’ll take this apple.”

“Balderdash,” said Eros speaking in a very high-pitched voice that
sounded like a cross between the late writer Truman Capote and a
munchkin on steroids, “since I’m the most beautiful one here, I’ll 
take this apple.”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen, please,” Lilith approached the bickering
Greek deities, “let this fair young maiden decide.”

Lilith pushed Paris over to the table, “Dear, who’s the most beautiful one
here? Give them the apple.”

“My dear, if you give me the apple,” Zeus smiled, “I’ll make you
head of a one-world government plus you’ll get the chance to intern
with me and I’ll pay for any dry-cleaning bills for your dresses.”

“Government is boring,” Paris shook her head, “I like parties and shopping.”

“My dear, if you give me the apple,” Apollo bowed, “I’ll give you wisdom.”

“Whatever would I do with wisdom” Paris yawned and shook her head.

“My dear, if you give me the apple,” Eros lisped as he stood up in his diapers
on top of the table, “I’ll give you the most handsome man on Earth.”

“Great,” Paris swooned and gave him the apple.

“This means war,” Zeus pounded the table.

“This means war,” Apollo pounded the table.

“Make love not war,” Eros danced on the table.

At that moment Lordi lead singer of the Finnish horror rock group Lordi
walked by.

“Oh, there’s the most handsome man on Earth,” Paris swooned, “I want him.”

“Done,” said Eros and he fired his arrow.

Paris took Lordi back home with her to California.

Unbeknownst to Paris, Lordi was the secret lover of German Chancellor
Angela Merkel.

President Bush received an ultimatum from Chancellor Merkel demanding
the return of Lordi.

Bush refused and Germany declared war on America.

Meanwhile Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was so delighted
by the state of war between Germany and America, he started eating
German sauerkraut. It was only when he was down to the last bite
of sauerkraut that Ahmadinejad discovered that he suffered from a 
fatal allergy to sauerkraut and promptly keeled over.

Meanwhile the Germans outsourced a secret weapons building project
to Greece and the Greeks built a Trojan horse that they placed outside
Paris Hilton’s mansion in southern California.

“Paris,” Lindsay Lohan gurgled between mouthfuls of Scotch, 
“there’s a Trojan thingamajig on the lawn.”

“Trojan,” Paris looked out the window, “why would I need
a Trojan? I’ve never had STDs.”

Coming soon to a theatre near you:
Paris Hilton as Pinocchio!

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Sonia: Ravana In Female Form?

September 15, 2007 at 12:27 pm (Commentary)

 Sonia: Ravana In Female Form?


The Italian bimbette stood on the Indian Ocean seashore
at the site of Ram Setu.

Munching 5 pizzas and 5 bowls of spaghetti and wondering how
she was able to do it, she was shocked to discover that she had 20
arms instead of two.

She went over to look at her reflection in the salt water
and screamed.

She discovered that she now had 10 heads.

The Italian airheads looked along the coast and saw
a beautiful maiden.

“Sita,” she screamed and grabbed the maiden, “I shall now
take you to Sri Lanka and Ram won’t be able to get you again 
since I’ll have torn his bridge out.”

The pizza-eating bimbo cackled hysterically and with her 10
heads and 10 mouths, she sounded like an American heavy
metal band.

At that moment,  Ram approached in a motor boat driven
by Hanuman.

“Ram,” the 10-airheaded Italian bimbette screamed, “but how’s that
possible? The Archeaological Survey of India signed an affidavit with
the Supreme Court saying you don’t exist.”

“Well if I don’t exist,” Ram smiled, “then you’d better see a psychiatrist
for chatting to imaginary non-existent beings.”

Ram fired an arrow at the modern-day Ravana’s heart and although
this modern-day Ravana didn’t have a heart, it destroyed the notebook
containing all the passwords to this modern day Ravana’s Swiss bank
accounts.

The modern-day Ravana screamed and dove into the Palk Strait 
(or was it the Gulf of Mannar?) and drowned herself.

 

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Answering New Age Thinking

September 15, 2007 at 11:17 am (Humour)

ReplyReplyby nicekudi [ 23, F, Delhi ]
8Difficulties in ur life do not come to destroy u but to help u realiz ur hidden potential let difficulties know that ur difficult…….

Posted on: September 15, ’07

by DraculVanHelsing  Online Online
Said the man who was run over by a construction steam roller,
“I’ve only got to realize my potential.” 🙂

Posted on: September 15, ’07  

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