Another Paris Sows Discord

September 17, 2007 at 3:06 pm (Satire)

 Another Paris Sows Discord


Paris Hilton was visiting a new disco that had just opened 
up in London, UK.

The name of the disco was the Nephilim Anakim Disco.

“Good evening, Miss Hilton,” the disco owner greeted
her, “how are you?”.

“Fine,” Paris dressed in a see-through pale blue mini dress
held out her hand, “and you are?”.

“Lucifer,” the owner shook her hand, “but you can call me Luce for
short.”

“Lucifer,” Paris scratched her head, “that name sounds vaguely
familiar for some reason.”

“Well I doubt very much you heard the name in Sunday school,” Lucifer
smiled, “since most churches these days say I no longer exist.”

Paris said, “Excuse me but I’m going up to the bar.”

“Do drink and drive,” Lucifer bowed.

The demoness Lilith dressed in a black leather mini dress,
fishnet nylons and black spiked stiletto heels approached Lucifer.

“Well, Luce,” the demoness who was the mother of all vampires smiled, “I see
Paris has arrived. Should we get this party started?”.

“Yes,” Lucifer smiled, “when we remember the havoc another Paris caused
3,000 years ago.”

Lilith directed her maidservant Eris who was dressed in a French maid’s
outfit to go over to a certain table.

At the table were seated the 3 Greek gods Zeus, Apollo and Eros (Eros
is of course better known to the world by his Latin name Cupid).

The Greek god Zeus looks like Bill Clinton with a beard (and also
acts like him).

Apollo looks like Brad Pitt.

Eros (Cupid) looks like a bearded dwarf (which is what he is).

Eris threw a golden apple down on the table- an apple inscribed with the
word Kallisti (“for the most beautiful one”).

“Well,” said Zeus speaking in a Greek dialect that seemed to resemble
an Arkansas drawl, “since I’m the most beautiful one here, I’ll take this 
apple.”

“Nonsense,” said Apollo speaking in a Greek dialect that seemed to
resemble the California accent of a Hollywood blockbuster superstar,
“since I’m the most beautiful one here, I’ll take this apple.”

“Balderdash,” said Eros speaking in a very high-pitched voice that
sounded like a cross between the late writer Truman Capote and a
munchkin on steroids, “since I’m the most beautiful one here, I’ll 
take this apple.”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen, please,” Lilith approached the bickering
Greek deities, “let this fair young maiden decide.”

Lilith pushed Paris over to the table, “Dear, who’s the most beautiful one
here? Give them the apple.”

“My dear, if you give me the apple,” Zeus smiled, “I’ll make you
head of a one-world government plus you’ll get the chance to intern
with me and I’ll pay for any dry-cleaning bills for your dresses.”

“Government is boring,” Paris shook her head, “I like parties and shopping.”

“My dear, if you give me the apple,” Apollo bowed, “I’ll give you wisdom.”

“Whatever would I do with wisdom” Paris yawned and shook her head.

“My dear, if you give me the apple,” Eros lisped as he stood up in his diapers
on top of the table, “I’ll give you the most handsome man on Earth.”

“Great,” Paris swooned and gave him the apple.

“This means war,” Zeus pounded the table.

“This means war,” Apollo pounded the table.

“Make love not war,” Eros danced on the table.

At that moment Lordi lead singer of the Finnish horror rock group Lordi
walked by.

“Oh, there’s the most handsome man on Earth,” Paris swooned, “I want him.”

“Done,” said Eros and he fired his arrow.

Paris took Lordi back home with her to California.

Unbeknownst to Paris, Lordi was the secret lover of German Chancellor
Angela Merkel.

President Bush received an ultimatum from Chancellor Merkel demanding
the return of Lordi.

Bush refused and Germany declared war on America.

Meanwhile Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was so delighted
by the state of war between Germany and America, he started eating
German sauerkraut. It was only when he was down to the last bite
of sauerkraut that Ahmadinejad discovered that he suffered from a 
fatal allergy to sauerkraut and promptly keeled over.

Meanwhile the Germans outsourced a secret weapons building project
to Greece and the Greeks built a Trojan horse that they placed outside
Paris Hilton’s mansion in southern California.

“Paris,” Lindsay Lohan gurgled between mouthfuls of Scotch, 
“there’s a Trojan thingamajig on the lawn.”

“Trojan,” Paris looked out the window, “why would I need
a Trojan? I’ve never had STDs.”

Coming soon to a theatre near you:
Paris Hilton as Pinocchio!

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