Halloween Hip Hop Poem For A Friend In Nepal

October 31, 2007 at 1:21 pm (Poetry)

by DraculVanHelsing  Online Online
Yo Rubeena!
How’s it going?
Is it snowing?
Or the wind blowing?
Tell you what- great jewel of Nepal
over here I think it’s safe to tell
this Halloween Eve be lookin’ swell.

Posted on: October 31, ’07  

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Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show On MTV

October 23, 2007 at 12:31 pm (Vampire novel)

 Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show On MTV


A recent news item mentioned that J.K. Rowing told
a New York City audience on her current book tour of the
U.S. that she’s always visualized the character of Albus 
Dumbledore the headmaster of Hogwart’s as being gay.

And you’ve probably noticed the ads at the top of Fropper
pages advertising the latest reality TV show on MTV- Searching
For Love with Tila Tequila.

Tila Tequila whose real name is Tila Nguyen is the Vietnamese-
American singer who used MySpace as a stepping stone to success 
in the music world.

Now on the MTV program starring her, 16 lesbian women
and 16 straight guys are competing for her affections.

It is these two items together that I used to write the 
following fictional tale:

Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show On MTV

Scene: Harry Woo close friend of Dracul Van Helsing
is working at his job at the mansion where the TV show
Searching For Love With Tila Tequila is being shot. Harry
is a go-for (gopher) on the set.

Assistant Director: Harry, what are you doing?

Harry Woo: I’m reading a Harry Potter spell book.

Assistant Director: Never mind that now. Paul one of the contestants
on the set is feeling a craving for Egg Rolls. Can you go and buy him
some? And deliver them to his dressing room?

Harry Woo: Sure.

(Harry walks down to Mrs. James’  Regency Lounge Chinese Take-Out 
and Delivery and picks up an order of egg rolls. He then delivers them to
Paul’s dressing room)

Harry: Okay, now back to reading the Harry Potter Spell Book.

(20 minutes later, the Assistant Director of the show approaches
Harry Woo)

Assistant Director: Harry, can you go get Paul in his dressing
room?

Harry: Sure. (puts down his Harry Potter Spell Book)

(Harry knocks on Paul’s dressing room door. The TV is on
but there’s no answer from Paul)

Harry: Hello? (opens the door)

(No sign of Paul. The TV is on- tuned to CNN and Larry
King is on)

Larry King: The recent talk of the blogosphere this past week
has been the cavorting of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.  The item which was first
mentioned at a India blogging and social networking site has since
been reposted at numerous blogging sites analyzing Venezuelan
politics, Hugo Chavez and his Bolivarian Revolution. The question is:
why are a Marxist socialist and an Aztec vampire princess working together?
What do a disciple of Marx and a High Priestess of the feathered
serpent god Quetzalcoatl  possibly have in common?
To answer these questions, we have as our special guest
the Rev. Pat Robertson…

(Rev. Pat Robertson’s smiling face appears on the screen)

Larry King: Rev. Robertson, a few years ago you called for the
assasination of Hugo Chavez. And a couple of years before
that, you attacked an American university for teaching a course
in Vampire Studies… in fact, you issued a strongly worded
statement saying that vampires don’t exist.
So now what do you make of this claim circulating through
the blogosphere that Chavez has formed an alliance with a vampiress
… an Aztec vampire princess at that…

Rev. Robertson: Well of course there aren’t any vampires…
this is probably a Halloween trick by Mr. Chavez to destabilize
Wall Street and the financial markets.

Anderson Cooper: Larry, if I may be allowed to break in
at this point…

Larry King: Please do, Coop…

Anderson Cooper: We’ve just been informed that a squad
of red shirted Bolivarian Marxist vampires have committed suicide
in unison by staking themselves through the heart…

Larry King: What brought this on?

Anderson Cooper: Well apparently this elite corps of Marxist 
revolutionaries that President Chavez created with the help of the
fangs of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec… Venezuela’s
El Presidente invited the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s
linguistic analysis Marxist windbag Noam Chomsky to address
the revolutionary vampiric corps on the topic of Marxist linguistic
analysis. Five minutes into the lecture, the vampiric Bolivarians
bolted out of the room and impaled themselves on nearby fence posts…

Larry King: I imagine most mortals would do the same if they had to
listen to windbag Chomsky…

(Harry turns off the TV)

Harry: Paul?

(Harry goes over to the couch and finds Paul dead)

Harry: Wow! I guess I better not let these egg rolls go
to waste. (takes a bite of Mrs. James’ Regency Lounge
Chinese Take-Out and Delivery Egg Rolls and then spits
it out). Well, I can now see what killed him.

(Harry runs back to his Harry Potter Spell Book)

Harry: Looks like I’m going to have to find a contestant
to replace Paul.

(Harry chants a spell and calls up Albus Dumbledore)

Assistant Director: Harry, where’s Paul?

Harry: Eating those egg rolls turned him into Albus
Dumbledore.

Assistant Director: Great! Put him on.

At the end of the reality TV series, Tila Tequila makes her
big announcement…

Tila Tequila: And the winner is…

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!

Tila (goes over to the old wizard and kisses him):
Bet you didn’t know I’m bisexual.

Albus Dumbledore: Bet you didn’t know… I’m GAY!

Assistant Director (screaming): Harry! Harry Woo!

Harry Woo: I’ll go get some more egg rolls. (leaves)

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A Slap In The Face For Chavez

October 23, 2007 at 12:20 pm (Vampire novel)

 A Slap In The Face For Chavez


A Slap In The Face For Chavez
A chapter in a Vampire Novel
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on October 17th, 2007

It was Tuesday evening, October 16th, 2007 in
the Presidential Palace in Caracas, Venezuela.

And Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had
just submitted to the Venezuelan Parliament
changes to the Venezuelan Constitution that
would give the President more powers.

So in this respect, it had been a good day for
Chavez.

Another thing Chavez was rejoicing over was
the death of one of his fiercest and long-standing
critics, Roman Catholic Cardinal Rosalio Castillo 
Lara, aged 85.

Chavez had just been informed that this episcopal
thorn in his side had died today (Tuesday, October
16th, 2007).

And he had further good news.

The Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who
had upset Chavez’s plans to bring back Ernesto Che Guevara
from the dead- well Chavez had been informed that a
Venezuelan intelligence agent had gunned down
Van Helsing in front of the Westminster Parliament on
the River Thames last night (Monday evening, October 15th,
2007),

Suddenly Chavez felt a breeze in the Presidential office
as a strong powerful rustling wind blew in from outside.

The office lights went dark and then came on again.

Standing there in an exquisite black evening dress was
the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

“Your Highness,” Chavez approached her, “how nice to see
you…”

The vampire princess raised her hand and struck Chavez firmly
across the face, “It’s lucky for you that Dracul Van Helsing is
expected to live. Otherwise you wouldn’t be living at this moment.
And if I ever hear about an attempt from you to kill Van Helsing again,
the Red Revolution in Latin America will be happening without you.
You’ll be in a tomb.”

The lights went out again.

There was another powerful breeze and the slamming of
a window.

Then lights were on.

And Chavez stood there rubbing the side of his face.

Why would Her Highness the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
be upset about an attempt on the life of a vampire hunter? 
Especially one as notorious in the vampire world as Dracul Van Helsing?

Chavez sighed.

He’d never be able to understand vampiresses.

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The Hugo Chavez Show With Special Guest Fidel Castro

October 23, 2007 at 12:13 pm (Vampire novel)

 The Hugo Chavez Show with Special Guest Fidel Castro


The Hugo Chavez Show with Special Guest
Fidel Castro
A chapter in a Vampire Novel
written by Christopher 
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on October 15th, 2007

Yesterday Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was in
Santa Clara, Cuba visiting the mausoleum of Ernesto
Che Guevara who was killed 40 years ago this past week.

Chavez did a TV broadcast from the mausoleum for his
weekly TV show broadcast on state run Venezuelan television.

He talked to Cuban President Fidel Castro by phone on the program.

Here’s part of the conversation that was not broadcast on  television
for the Venezuelan viewing audience:

Castro: So Hugo, I thought you told me that you had hired
a Haitian witch doctor who could read the Haitian Book of the Dead
and he was going to raise our friend Comrade Che from the dead
as a surprise ensemble to the 40th anniversary celebration?

Chavez: Didn’t Raul mention that an enemy agent poisoned
Doctor Bones Duvalier’s Chicken and Ribs before the
ceremony and Duvalier dropped dead before he could bring
Che back to life?

Castro: No, my brother didn’t mention it. I’ll have to chew him out
next time I see him.

Chavez: Anyhow my Intelligence Services in Venezuela have sent an
agent after Doctor Duvalier’s poisoner.

Castro: That’s good to hear.

                                               * * *

Scene: London, England. Dracul Van Helsing is taking a stroll
along the Thames in front of Big Ben and the Westminster
Parliament.

Dracul stopped momentarily as he received an incoming
text message on his Samsung cell phone.

It was a message from Princess Qonzilqointec the Aztec vampiress
who was wanting to know the names of machine gun-toting bikini
babes in Delhi, India.

Dracul decided not to respond to the request. The princess was probably
wanting to bump somebody off.

There was enough violence in the world as it is Dracul thought
to himself as he passed a newspaper box with a headline
that told a grisly story of three robbery suspects in Port Elizabeth,
South Africa who had been captured by cannibalistic vampires
and slow roasted over an open fire as they screamed in unison
to the melody of Beethoven’s Song of Joy which was being played
by the Vampire Cannibal Symphony Orchestra at the outdoor concert
and dinner.

“Dracul,” a feminine voice called out after the Canadian vampire
hunter.

Van Helsing turned around and noticed the pretty long-haired
brunette dressed in a red sweater, rusty brown skirt and spiked
red leather boots.

“Athena?” Dracul approached the woman, “Athena Guerrido?”.

He approached the Venezuelan born art curator whom he had met
at an art show and exposition in New York City last autumn.

The woman pulled out a gun out of her purse and shot Dracul
point blank in the chest.

“Damn, I hate it when that happens,” Dracul remarked as he
fell to the ground.

“Vengeance for the Revolution,” Athena gave a clenched-fist salute.

“I never knew you were a Communist,” Dracul gasped,  “there aren’t many
Marxists who do their Master’s thesis in Art History on the English Pre-
Raphaelites.”

“I can’t seem to find my lipstick,” Senorita Guerrido remarked
as she rummaged through her purse after putting the gun back.

“I notice you’re wearing my favourite perfume,” were Dracul’s
last words before he lost consciousness.

To be continued.

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FBI Raid Magician David Copperfield’s House

October 20, 2007 at 2:42 pm (Commentary, Humour, Satire, Songs)

 FBI Raid Magician David Copperfield’s Warehouse


Earlier today the FBI raided the warehouse of 
world-famous magician and illusionist David Copperfield.

To honour this occasion, I’ve written a rap song about it.

So pretend I’m a gangsta rapper and here we go:

Does George Dubya Bush believe in pie in the sky?
let me ask you somethin’, do winged birds fly?
This Patriot Act legislation got to work
who you callin’ Dick Cheney a jerk?
You’re a traitor
anarchist agitator
should be fed to an alligator.

The authorities in power they protecting us
soon you’ll be strip searched boardin’ a bus
what’s the latest we do to defend the homeland
check those boys wearin’ the FBI brand
They’ve raided David Copperfield’s warehouse
and not because the agent in charge be a drunken souce.

No, they’ve had it on good authority that people disappear and reappear
Justice Department ask, don’t you think that’s queer?
Some people this guy do saw in half
he can also make vanish a gir-affe
as well as elephant and Lear jet
looks like we ain’t seen nothing yet.
Made the Statue of Liberty go poof!
He’s got guillotines under his roof.

So the FBI has got the evidence
amidst all this birdcage pestilence
oops! the evidence has disappeared like magic
we got to say that’s somewhat tragic
wonder what else he has under his sleeve
causing the U.S. Justice Department to grieve!

THE END.

-A rap song written by Christopher aka Dracul Van Helsing on October 19th, 2007

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The Griswold of the Night

October 18, 2007 at 8:26 pm (Humour, Poetry, Satire)

 The Griswold of the Night


The wine was spent in the desert tent
by the oasis Nevadamore
The feast was o’er
just sound of snore
as the Griswold entered the tent
a furry beast ne’er paid his rent
look at his car
it has a dent
and there lying at his feet
was old banker Pete.
He helped himself to gold watch and chain
’cause to pass this up would be insane.
Pete snored
Al Gored
global warming this desert heat
but it was night
and all were tight
and their possessions soon gone
out of sight.

A loud cry echoed through the desert hue
we’ve been robbed said young Stu
it was morning- sand with dew
While we slept
a robber crept
and took our pants to boot.
The sight was a hoot.

TV stations were there with cameras
Congressmen there going bananas
Was this an orgy? asked anchorwoman Sue
as yet another resignation came through.
Larry King did his thing
and Anderson Cooper too
The media had a field day
and Rush Limbaugh was turning blue.

And so the story was told in future campfires
of the Griswold of the night
who put an end to several political careers
by the dawn of morning light.

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Noble Vampire? Nobel Vampire?

October 14, 2007 at 11:25 am (Vampire novel)

 Noble Vampire? Nobel Vampire?


Noble Vampire? Nobel Vampire?
A chapter in a Vampire Novel
written by Christopher 
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on October 13th, 2007

It was the penthouse- the top floor of an exclusive
Manhattan apartment building.

And Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been the Russian
Communist Leon Trotsky) was celebrating.

As head of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and
Climate Change, he was as pleased as punch (and the
punch was flowing heavily in the apartment as was the
champagne and smoked oysters) that Al Gore
and the UN IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel on
Climate Change) had been jointly awarded the Nobel
Peace Prize.

“So are you going to Oslo to accept the prize with Mr.
Gore?” the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec sat
with her legs crossed in a lavender evening gown
showing her nicely shaped thighs and ankles through
sheer finesse black silk nylon and tapped the spiked 
stiletto heel of one of her lavender coloured shoes on the
floor.

“Well, I’d like to but I’ve been told that IPCC Chairman
Rajendra Pachauri who lives in Delhi will probably
be going to Oslo to accept the award on behalf of
the IPCC and will be appearing with Mr. Gore,” Lev Tomi
swallowed an oyster.

Well, I’d like to but I’ve been told that IPCC Chairman
Rajendra Pachauri who lives in Delhi will probably
be going to Oslo to accept the award on behalf of
the IPCC and will be appearing with Mr. Gore,” Lev Tomi
swallowed an oyster.

“You look disappointed,” Qonzilqointec smiled.

“Well, I’d like to have gone and been made a big fuss over,”
Tomi nodded, “plus I’d like to have sampled some of that
Norwegian lutefisk -that salted white fish they serve over in
Norway.”

“I’ve been told by a friend of mine that lutefisk can be
deadly,” Qonzilqointec sipped from a glass of champagne, 
“In a lutefisk eating competition in Kingman, Alberta, Canada
held a few years ago, a man died after eating 97 plates of
the stuff at one sitting. He won the contest but didn’t live
to enjoy the prize.”

“What was the prize?” Tomi asked as he reached for an
egg roll.

“A year’s supply of lutefisk,” Qonzilqointec held out her glass
to receive more champagne from the catering valet.

“I doubt whether I’d be eating that much lutefisk,” Tomi salted
his sushi and took a bite.

“You’ll be eating none at all if you don’t go to Oslo,” Qonzilqointec
lifted another toothpick of smoked oyster to her lips.

“That’s true,” Tomi looked as sad as an Australian cricket fan
in the recent Twenty/20 Cup semi-finals.

“If you want this friend of mine who warned me about the
lutefisk,” Qonzilqointec started tapping her stiletto again, “he
knows someone in Delhi who has access to machine gun-toting
bikini babes. We could see that Mr. Pachauri wouldn’t be able to
make the trip.”

“That might be an idea,” Tomi walked over to the samovar
to pour himself a cup of tea.

As he tasted the tea, he wondered to himself why the best tasting tea
out of samovars seemed to have been served in the Czarist era?
An era he had helped put an end to.
“Lemon?” Qonzilqointec held up a lemon for Comrade Tomi’s
tea just as a commercial for the latest Chrysler product appeared
on television.

To be continued.

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Painted Smiles

October 13, 2007 at 8:11 pm (Poetry)

 Painted Smiles


The following is a poem I wrote.

The poem is written through the eyes of a very young
boy who has just gone to the circus.

Yesterday my class went to the circus
I saw elephants and cannon balls
and trapeze artists.
I also saw my first clown up close.
I noticed something about the clown
that I don’t see in picture books.

The clown wore a painted smile
that bright cheery red smile of a clown?
it’s all painted.

I asked my teacher
why does a clown wear a painted smile?
She just shrugged and said,
They just do.

When the circus was over
I walked around the grounds
I saw the clown’s tent
I looked through the opening
and I saw the clown wiping off his big red smile
and all the white powder on his face.

The clown looked to have tears in his eyes
maybe that’s why the clown wears a painted smile.
Teacher found me,
Come let’s go.

As we walked away
we were at the parking lot
waiting to board the bus
and then suddenly we heard a loud bang
it sounded like a gun shot.

It came from the clown’s tent
we looked over and saw the trapeze girl
enter the tent.
She screamed.

There was a bunch of shouting
police cars and ambulances
soon arrived.
And we got put on the bus
and driven away.

On the radio news this morning
they talked about the circus yesterday
I’ll have to ask my teacher,
What is suicide?
And why did the clown wear a painted smile?

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Poem About Marion Jones

October 13, 2007 at 7:55 pm (Commentary, Poetry)

The following is a poem I wrote recently about
disgraced Olympic sprinter Marion Jones:

Marion Jones has lost her phones
and her medals to boot
cheating with drugs leaves you in a mess
worse than chimney soot.

-written by Christopher aka Dracul Van Helsing, October 9th, 2007.

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Will Che Rise Again?

October 9, 2007 at 1:41 pm (Vampire novel)

 Will Che Rise Again?


The following is a chapter of the vampire novel that I’m
writing. As many of you are probably unfamiliar with the plot,
here’s a brief summary:

The Russian Communist Leon Trotsky is alive and well
as a vampire. He was turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire
Princess Qonzilqointec as he lay in his hospital bed shortly after
receiving a blow to the head by one of Stalin’s agents in Mexico City
back in the summer of 1940.

Today Leon Trotsky lives under another alias Lev Tomi and
he’s head of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate
Change where he hopes to use the threat of global warming to establish
a one-world Marxist government with himself as head.

Tomi has informal alliances with a variety of creatures living and unDead.

Among them:

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who also is
plotting a one-world government. But one with her spiritual
father the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl as its
head when he returns to Earth in 2012 according to ancient
Aztec and Mayan prophecies.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez: Who fancies himself
the future Maoist-Marxist socialist head of a united Latin America.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set who lives in the City
of London and is likewise plotting a one world-government with 
himself as head.

Among the enemies of this quartet are:

The ancient Egyptian vampiress Isis: whose husband Osiris
was imprisoned by a spell of Set’s that cast him to the star Sirius. Isis
is working to thwart Set’s plans and return Osiris to earth where she
and Osiris will jointly preside over a one-world government.

Dracul Van Helsing: a Canadian vampire hunter.

Hyung Grace Kwan: a South Korean vampire huntress

Will Che Rise Again?
A chapter in a vampire novel
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had just returned
from a ceremony honouring the memory of Marxist
revolutionary Ernesto Che Guevara who had been
executed in Bolivia 40 years ago today.

In the speech, Chavez had called Che an “infinite
revolutionary”.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was dressed
in a vibrant yellow evening dress and sitting on an elegant
sofa in El Presidente’s office as Chavez entered the room.

“Impressive speech,” Qonzilqointec congratulated Chavez.

“Thank you,” President Chavez helped himself to a glass of
tequila, “Ernesto’s infinite revolutionary status may soon take
on a more literal meaning.”

“What do you mean?” asked Princess Qonzilqointec as she
helped herself to a roasted frog’s leg from a tin of roasted
frog legs and placed one on a cracker with a dash of caviar
and proceeded to eat.

“At this moment, I have a Haitian witch doctor, Doctor Bones Duvalier
over at Che’s mausoleum in Santa Clara, Cuba where Raul my dear friend
Fidel’s brother is presiding over a massive celebration honouring the great
man Che’s life,” Chavez declined a frog’s leg when offered from the vampire
princess, “and this evening he is going to attempt to bring Che back to life
using a little known spell from the extremely rare Haitian Book of the Dead.”

“I’ve never heard of the Haitian Book of the Dead,” the Aztec princess tore
into another frog’s leg with much relish (and mustard!), “and I’ve been
around for over half a millenium.”

“It turns out the Haitian Book of the Dead is very rare,” Chavez dipped
a cracker into some salsa sauce and ate, “so rare in fact, that no one
thought a copy existed. Then some brilliant Caracas librarian made a point
of checking for it on Amazon.com and sure enough they still had a copy.
It will be that copy they’re using at tonight’s ceremony.”

                              – – –

At the mausoleum of Ernesto Che Guevara in Santa Clara, Cuba:

Raul Castro is inspecting the guard of honour.

At one corner of the site, Dracul Van Helsing stands wearing a fake
Fidel-looking beard and wearing a Cuban revolutionary army hat
and smoking a Cuban cigar.

Hyung Grace Kwan is dressed in the colourful white blouse and 
red skirt of a Spanish dancer.

“Which one is Doctor Bones Duvalier?” Hyung asked.

“He’s the one up on the honoured guests’ platform eating the
plate of Canadian Swiss Chalet style Chicken and Ribs,” Dracul
answered , “it’s apparently his favourite entree.”

“How did he get the name Bones Duvalier?” Hyung asked.

“No one is sure whether it was because he spent a lot of times in
cemeteries as a child or whether his father was an overzealous fan
of the character of Doctor McCoy on the original Star Trek,” Dracul explained.

“And only he can read the inscriptions from the Haitian Book of the Dead 
that has the power to bring the dead back to ife?” Hyung looked at the
face of Doctor Bones Duvalier.

“Not anymore,” Dracul remarked as Doctor Bones Duvalier keeled over
face first into the sour cream of the baked potato.

“He’s dead,” a Cuban revolutionary guard shouted.

“How did you do that?” Hyung asked with much admiration
in her eyes.

“I was the one who prepared the Swiss Chalet Chicken and Ribs dish,”
Dracul smiled, “for the sauce I used a pinch of some South African mushrooms
that my friend Tim in Port Elizabeth sent me. Those mushrooms had been
prepared at the hotel where Tim works when it was thought that former
Deputy Vice-President Jacob Zuma would be visiting the dining room.
When Zuma didn’t show up,  Tim sent the specially prepared mushrooms to me
to serve for a special occasion.”

“So what was good enough for the Emperor Claudius was good enough
for Duvalier,” Hyung spoke with a twinkle in her eyes. 

 

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