Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show On MTV

October 23, 2007 at 12:31 pm (Vampire novel)

 Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show On MTV


A recent news item mentioned that J.K. Rowing told
a New York City audience on her current book tour of the
U.S. that she’s always visualized the character of Albus 
Dumbledore the headmaster of Hogwart’s as being gay.

And you’ve probably noticed the ads at the top of Fropper
pages advertising the latest reality TV show on MTV- Searching
For Love with Tila Tequila.

Tila Tequila whose real name is Tila Nguyen is the Vietnamese-
American singer who used MySpace as a stepping stone to success 
in the music world.

Now on the MTV program starring her, 16 lesbian women
and 16 straight guys are competing for her affections.

It is these two items together that I used to write the 
following fictional tale:

Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show On MTV

Scene: Harry Woo close friend of Dracul Van Helsing
is working at his job at the mansion where the TV show
Searching For Love With Tila Tequila is being shot. Harry
is a go-for (gopher) on the set.

Assistant Director: Harry, what are you doing?

Harry Woo: I’m reading a Harry Potter spell book.

Assistant Director: Never mind that now. Paul one of the contestants
on the set is feeling a craving for Egg Rolls. Can you go and buy him
some? And deliver them to his dressing room?

Harry Woo: Sure.

(Harry walks down to Mrs. James’  Regency Lounge Chinese Take-Out 
and Delivery and picks up an order of egg rolls. He then delivers them to
Paul’s dressing room)

Harry: Okay, now back to reading the Harry Potter Spell Book.

(20 minutes later, the Assistant Director of the show approaches
Harry Woo)

Assistant Director: Harry, can you go get Paul in his dressing
room?

Harry: Sure. (puts down his Harry Potter Spell Book)

(Harry knocks on Paul’s dressing room door. The TV is on
but there’s no answer from Paul)

Harry: Hello? (opens the door)

(No sign of Paul. The TV is on- tuned to CNN and Larry
King is on)

Larry King: The recent talk of the blogosphere this past week
has been the cavorting of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.  The item which was first
mentioned at a India blogging and social networking site has since
been reposted at numerous blogging sites analyzing Venezuelan
politics, Hugo Chavez and his Bolivarian Revolution. The question is:
why are a Marxist socialist and an Aztec vampire princess working together?
What do a disciple of Marx and a High Priestess of the feathered
serpent god Quetzalcoatl  possibly have in common?
To answer these questions, we have as our special guest
the Rev. Pat Robertson…

(Rev. Pat Robertson’s smiling face appears on the screen)

Larry King: Rev. Robertson, a few years ago you called for the
assasination of Hugo Chavez. And a couple of years before
that, you attacked an American university for teaching a course
in Vampire Studies… in fact, you issued a strongly worded
statement saying that vampires don’t exist.
So now what do you make of this claim circulating through
the blogosphere that Chavez has formed an alliance with a vampiress
… an Aztec vampire princess at that…

Rev. Robertson: Well of course there aren’t any vampires…
this is probably a Halloween trick by Mr. Chavez to destabilize
Wall Street and the financial markets.

Anderson Cooper: Larry, if I may be allowed to break in
at this point…

Larry King: Please do, Coop…

Anderson Cooper: We’ve just been informed that a squad
of red shirted Bolivarian Marxist vampires have committed suicide
in unison by staking themselves through the heart…

Larry King: What brought this on?

Anderson Cooper: Well apparently this elite corps of Marxist 
revolutionaries that President Chavez created with the help of the
fangs of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec… Venezuela’s
El Presidente invited the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s
linguistic analysis Marxist windbag Noam Chomsky to address
the revolutionary vampiric corps on the topic of Marxist linguistic
analysis. Five minutes into the lecture, the vampiric Bolivarians
bolted out of the room and impaled themselves on nearby fence posts…

Larry King: I imagine most mortals would do the same if they had to
listen to windbag Chomsky…

(Harry turns off the TV)

Harry: Paul?

(Harry goes over to the couch and finds Paul dead)

Harry: Wow! I guess I better not let these egg rolls go
to waste. (takes a bite of Mrs. James’ Regency Lounge
Chinese Take-Out and Delivery Egg Rolls and then spits
it out). Well, I can now see what killed him.

(Harry runs back to his Harry Potter Spell Book)

Harry: Looks like I’m going to have to find a contestant
to replace Paul.

(Harry chants a spell and calls up Albus Dumbledore)

Assistant Director: Harry, where’s Paul?

Harry: Eating those egg rolls turned him into Albus
Dumbledore.

Assistant Director: Great! Put him on.

At the end of the reality TV series, Tila Tequila makes her
big announcement…

Tila Tequila: And the winner is…

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!

Tila (goes over to the old wizard and kisses him):
Bet you didn’t know I’m bisexual.

Albus Dumbledore: Bet you didn’t know… I’m GAY!

Assistant Director (screaming): Harry! Harry Woo!

Harry Woo: I’ll go get some more egg rolls. (leaves)

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