Definitely Not The Barber of Seville

December 30, 2007 at 9:44 pm (Humour, Poetry)

 Definitely Not The Barber of Seville

Harry Woo was visiting London town
he searched for bargains up and down
he sought discounts here
he sought discounts there
he used coupons everywhere
then while standing at a sign marked Stop
Harry did notice a barber shop
The barber pole colours were a bright blood red
The pic in the window showed a judge losing his head
to Harry this seemed a trifle odd
The name of the barber… Sweeney Todd
Free haircuts and shaves for all the sign did say
Harry grinned and said, “Anything for free is definitely my way.”
So Harry entered the shop
and Todd told him to stop
then waved him to a chair
“Now, I’ll cut your hair,”
in his hands scissors
but he was no Edward Scissorhands
nor desert sheikh of burning sands
nor childlike author of Peter Pan
for Harry had jumped into horror’s frying pan
for this barber was no Scotland Yard inspector
nor Greek hero slaying Trojan Hector
but rather from Hell like Jack the Ripper
a hairstylist who forgot to pull up his zipper
“I’ve give you the closest shave you’ve ever had”
he looked at Harry’s neck and pictured a Headless Horseman
but he was no Ichabod Crane or Mexican swordsman
he laughed, “What a wonderful meat pie you’ll make”
but Harry didn’t want to be a new recipe for Shake N’ Bake
so he leapt from the chair 
adjusted his hair
and fled out the door
escaping the shop of blood and gore.
Sweeney Todd went next door to Mrs. Lovett’s
where he joined her for tea and crumpets
“Sorry dear,” Todd shrugged, “I know you felt like eating Chinese tonight
but I’m afraid I gave Mr. Woo too much of a fright
and he bolted through the door like a bee in flight.”

-A poem written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on Saturday afternoon, December 15th, 2007

The movie Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street that stars
Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd will soon be opening in theatres
everywhere. Sweeney Todd is the legendary London barber who allegedly gave
his customers an extremely close shave by murdering them. He’d then cut
the bodies up and sell them to Mrs. Lovett next door who’d make meat pies out
of them. If Sweeney Todd were alive today, he’d probably be given the Nobel Peace
Prize for cutting down on surplus population.

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