Mr. Mush Found At Last

October 28, 2008 at 2:52 pm (Detective story, Humour, Mystery)

Mr. Mush Found At Last

As the PETA protestors set themselves upon the
fur-coat wearing Britney Spears in this blistering
heat, Miss Spears screamed, “I’m not crazy. I tell
you I’m not crazy.”

I walked down a back alley way.

Well, Mr. Mush’s horse was gone.

And I was partly to blame.

The last clue we had to the whereabouts of Mr.
Mush according to the tight skirt wearing dame
(who was now getting her marshmallowed covered
skirt cleaned at Mr. Lee’s Drycleaning), Mr. Mush
was last seen on a horse before he was kidnapped
or killed or whatever had happened to him.

And now the horse was no more.

It was my good fortune that I happened to
walk by a Sri Lankan restaurant.

The proprietor directed me down to the
wine cellar.

I guess he thought I needed a drink.

When I was down in the wine cellar, there tied
up and sitting next to a bottle of chardonay
was the missing Mr. Mush.

I turned and there stood… the ancient demon
Ravana a notorious demon king of Sri Lanka
who had kidnapped Princess Sita the fiancee 
of Lord Rama the ruler of the ancient Indian
kingdom of Ayodhya millenia earlier.

The Hindu monkey god Hanuman had helped 
Lord Rama rescue his beloved Sita from the
clutches of the demonic Ravana.

It was a good thing I had taken that course
A Comparative Study in World Religions in
my first year of University or otherwise I
wouldn’t have recognized the strange entity.

“You’re Ravana aren’t you?” I asked as I helped
myself to a bottle of German Reisling.

The demonic entity belched, “Excuse me.”
And then bowed, “Yes, I am Ravana.”

“And you’ve kidnapped Mr. Mush?” I popped
the cork off the Reisling, “has living in the
state of California changed your sexual orientation?
You’re going after guys now instead of princesses?”.

Ravana shook his head, “Mr. Mush here is a well
known writer of romantic love poetry. I thought if I couldn’t
win Princess Sita’s heart through abduction, I thought I
might win her heart by sending her some of Mr. Mush’s love
poems saying that I had written them.”

“May I see some of Mr. Mush’s poems?” I asked.

Ravana handed me a whole bunch with his clawed

After reading the first half-dozen, I was rolling
on the floor in great gales of laughter.

Mr. Mush’s face turned bright red.

It couldn’t have been the wine.

As having a gag in his mouth probably prevented him
from imbibing.

“You were planning to win her over with this mush?” I roared,
“tell me, Ravana, how does it feel to be an idiot?”.

Now it was Ravana’s turn for his face to turn red.

“Just one thing,” something had occurred to me,
“I thought Lord Rama had slain you. How is it you’re

“I was brought back to life by a Hollywood film producer,”
Ravana explained.

That was plausible. Hollywood film producers
were bringing ancient demons back to life all the time.

“Let Mr. Mush go,”  I told Ravana.

“No,” Ravana shook his head.

Ravana had had his chance. I always carried a bottle
of Holy Water with me ever since I was attacked by
the ancient Aztec serpent god Quetzalcoatl while making out
with Jessica Alba in the back of a red Corvette in Hollywood
years ago.

I sprayed Ravana with the Holy Water. He quickly
disintegrated into mush- almost as mushy as Mr.
Mush’s love poems.

I untied Mr. Mush.

He quickly ran upstairs and out the door.

I gathered up the scraps of paper on which were written The
Collected Works of Mr. Mush.

I thought I could use them for a bon fire to roast
marshmallows later as the evening heat seemed to have
died down.

As I walked out the door of the Sri Lankan restaurant,
I noticed Mr. Mush was run over by a car driven by
Lindsay Lohan. After running over Mr. Mush, Lindsay
Lohan then wrapped her car around a light pole.

Well two mysteries were solved tonight.

Who kidnapped Mr. Mush?

The ancient Hindu demon Ravana.

Who killed Mr. Mush?

Alcoholic airhead drunk driver Lindsay Lohan.

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