Renfield’s Travels In The Heartland

January 28, 2011 at 3:44 pm (Humour, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel)

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were currently in a car driving towards Madison County, Iowa.

They had flown from Britain over to America to Des Moines, Iowa using the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s personal dirigible airship The Supberg since Set was anxious to get the mission accomplished right away and was worried about snow storms in the U.S. impeding airplane traffic and airports again.

A certain meteorite that had landed in Iowa 50 years ago and was currently located in a small museum in Madison County, Iowa had come to Set’s attention.

Set was anxious to have this meteorite in person as soon as possible so he had sent Renfield and Amadeus over to steal it.

After landing the dirigible at Des Moines International Airport, Renfield and Amadeus then headed out by car to Madison County.

“Didn’t Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep once star in a romantic movie called The Bridges of Madison County?” Amadeus asked.

“I believe they did,” Renfield yawned.

“Will we have time to see any of the covered bridges of Madison County?” Amadeus inquired.

“I doubt it very much,” Renfield looked at the map on his GPS.

“Pity,” Amadeus remarked.

“If you say so,” Renfield helped himself to a tuna fish sandwich.

The shapeshifting hamster/human then turned on the car radio and put it to the BBC’s World Service.

“Another scandal has hit Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi once again cavorting with underaged teen-age girls and this time a British MP might have been involved in the horny old Italian politico’s most recent orgy,” the BBC announcer intoned.

“That’s interesting,” Renfield turned up the radio.

“And this just in from Rome…” the announcer announced, “Apparently reports are coming in that a werewolf chased the underaged girls around in the nude while a terrified Berlusconi held on to his most private parts using a huge towel…”

“There’s been a lot of BBC news reports about werewolves lately,” Amadeus munched on a piece of black licorice, “first in Wales, then in London and now Rome…”

“Yes, it is curious,” Renfield had to agree.

“10 Downing Street has issued a statement saying that no British MP was involved in Berlusconi’s latest orgy,” the announcer stated.

Renfield then switched the radio dial and tuned it to NPR.

“What’s NPR?” Amadeus asked.

“It stands for National Public Radio,” Renfield downed a huge 2 litre mug of Coca-Cola, “it’s the network that all the hypersensitive whining and snivelling pablum puking liberals in America listen to. Just thought I’d tune it in for a laugh.”

Amadeus helped himself to another stick of black licorice.

“I used to love drinking tea before the Tea Party came along and ruined everything,” a whining and snivelling caller wept to the announcer.

Renfield had to giggle.

Then he stopped the car.

“What’s going on?” Amadeus asked.

“I have to piss like a Russian racehorse,” Renfield answered, “when you gotta go, you gotta go.”

Renfield raced out of the car.

Amadeus rolled down the window and turned up the radio.

“Our next guest on the program,” said the NPR announcer, “is New Age pop psychologist Dr. Stanley Piccalily Boshwell. Doctor Boshwell has just written a best-selling book entitled Heaven Is Where You Are. Welcome to the program, Dr. Boshwell.”

“Thanks,” Dr. Boshwell spoke in a very swishy voice, “I’d just like to say to all the listeners these words of encouragement, Heaven IS where you are…”

“It looks like I picked a most inopportune moment to fall down an outhouse hole,” Renfield shouted from inside the outhouse.

Amadeus got out of the car and went to the trunk which he opened and brought out an extremely long rope.

To be continued.

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