Hanging Out At The Eiffel Tower

January 30, 2011 at 10:57 pm (Humour, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel)

Antonio and Giuseppe of the Italian Secret Service were hanging from a rope from the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

“Mama Mia, I split my pants again,” Giuseppe moaned, “this is the third-a time this a-month that I’ve split my pants on a mission.”

‘Maybe you should a-change your tailors,” Antonio suggested.

“Maybe I a-should,” Giuseppe agreed, “what was it we were supposed to a-steal from the top of the Eiffel Tower anyways?”.

“I’m not sure,” Antonio said, “I wrote it down on this napkin here. Mama Mia, I spilled tomato and meat ball sauce all over it. I cannot a-read what it says.”

“I shouldn’t have had that eighth glass of a-white wine,” Giuseppe hit his forehead, “I see a beautiful woman in a red evening dress flying through the a-air towards us.”

“I shouldn’t have had that seventh glass of a-red wine,” Antonio stated, “I see the same a-thing. A beautiful woman in a red evening dress flying towards us.”

“Good evening,” the woman in the red evening dress and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes spoke in flawless Oxonian English and flashed her white teeth and pearly white vampiric incisors, “I am the Egyptian vampiress Isis.”

“I am Antonio of the Italian Secret Service,” Antonio took off his cap.

“And I am his cousin Giuseppe likewise of the Italian Secret Service,” Giuseppe bowed in the air causing him to split his pants further.

“I watched you break into the Set Enterprises compound the other night and get chased by that hybrid T-Rex giraffe that Set has as his watch creature at the compound,” Isis smiled.

“Were you there?” Antonio asked.

“No,” Isis shook her head, “I watched it on YouTube. Someone filmed you and posted it there.”

“Giuseppe, did you a-hear that?” Antonio smiled at his cousin, “we’re on YouTube.”

“Mama always told me I’d be famous someday,” Giuseppe’s tears fell downward on to the streets of Paris.

“Anyhow seeing as how you’re now two world-famous secret agents,” Isis smoothed and adjusted her dress, “I have an offer you can’t refuse.”

“And a-what makes you think that we a-cannot refuse your offer,” Antonio put his cap back on his head.

“Gentlemen,” Isis smiled warmly, “in case you haven’t noticed you’re hanging upside down near the top of the Eiffel Tower by a single rope. One huge gust of wind and you’re toast… or maybe Belgian waffles if the wind blows you far enough.
But the point is as you can no doubt see that I can fly. And I will gladly help you safely down to the streets below if you do me a favour in return.”

“She’s got a point you know, Giuseppe,” Antonio looked at his cousin.

“Indeed she has, Antonio,” Giuseppe agreed, “it’s like my mama always a-told my sister, if you’ve got a man by the balls, his a-heart and mind is sure to follow.”

* * *

“So what would you like us to do for you, my lady?” Antonio asked Isis when he and Guiseppe were safely on the ground below the Eiffel Tower.

“I’ve been told through informed sources that two of my brother and brother-in-law Set’s employees Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon have stolen a meteorite from a museum in Madison County, Iowa in America,” Isis held out a gloved hand for the two mortals to kiss, “and this meteorite contains samples of the DNA of Atum-Ra. I want you to steal this meteorite from Set when it is brought to England.”

“Who is this Atum-Ra?” Guiseppe asked as he kissed Isis’ gloved hand.

“He is the chief god of the old Egyptian pantheon,” Isis smiled, “and my great-grandfather and I’m sorry to say Set’s great-grandfather as well.”

“What do you want with his DNA?” Antonio asked out of curiosity as he too kissed Isis’ gloved hand.

“I want to clone great-grandpa before that evil Set does,” Isis answered.

* * *

Inside the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Athelstan the valet brings the telephone to his vampiric master.

“Phone call for you, sir, from Amadeus in New York City,” Athelstan handed over the phone.

“Amadeus,” Set picked up the receiver, “do you have the meteorite in your possession?”.

“Yes, boss, we do,” Amadeus answered as he bit into an egg McMuffin.

“What are you doing in New York?” Set asked.

“I happened to have a couple of coupons for a free breakfast at a McDonald’s in mid-town Manhattan,” Amadeus replied, “so Renfield and I are both having a free breakfast.”

“Can I speak to Renfield?” Set asked.

“He’s currently having his breakfast under one of the McDonald’s booth tables with the Kardashian sisters Kim and Kourtney and Khloe,” Amadeus answered.

“Why is he having his breakfast under the table with them rather than eating it on the table?” Set inquired.

“I don’t know,” Amadeus bit into his hash browns, “do you want me to look under the booth table and see what they’re doing?”.

“Don’t bother,” Set buried his head into his vampiric taloned hands.

To be continued.

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