The March Hare

March 31, 2011 at 8:41 pm (Humour, Poetry) ()

He was the March Hare
under trees so bare
His name was Jack
still had white on his back
snow white
very bright
indicating a late spring
skiers will sing
but for the rest of us
we will cuss
spring is not here
let’s cry in our beer.

-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Thursday March 31st 2011.

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Lenin Getting Down On Friday

March 27, 2011 at 9:48 pm (Commentary, Humour, Satire) (, , , , , )


Hey it’s Lenin getting down on Friday!
Partyin’ (yeah) Partyin’ (yeah)
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
Stalin sittin’ in the front seat!
Trotsky sittin’ in the back seat!
Which seat should Vladimir take?

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A Channel For Horus

March 26, 2011 at 8:49 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , )

Trevor Fontaine was an investment banker and one of the world’s biggest financiers.

But a man who remained in the shadows and operated behind the scenes.

Trevor Fontaine was also a vampire.

He had been turned into a vampire back in the early 1940s by the Egyptian vampiress Isis.

When Isis first discovered him in New York City back in the early ’40s, Fontaine was a promising young con man and swindler who worked as a used car salesman.

Fontaine had thought about going into politics but Isis talked him into a world of even greater power- the world of finance and investment banking.

Trevor Fontaine managed Isis’ financial portfolio and dealt with billions and billions of dollars every day.

When the global financial meltdown of autumn 2008 hit, Isis’ financial portfolio remained pretty much intact (unlike Isis’ brother and brother-in-law the evil Egyptian vampire billionaire Set who had spent a couple of years as a mere multi-millionaire evil vampire rather than a billionaire evil vampire after the ’08 global economic meltdown. It was only a lucky bet on Spain winning the World Cup in South Africa and also marrying a vampiress who was the heiress to the Romanov billions that made Set a billionaire again).

And one of the reasons Isis’ financial portfolio remained intact was the astuteness of Trevor Fontaine.

In addition to his wise investment choices, Fontaine also served as the channel for the spirit of Isis’ dead son Horus.

Like his mother Isis, his father Osiris and his Uncle Set, Horus too had been turned into a vampire by the ancient Mesopotamian vampiress Lilith.

3000 years ago, Horus had buried his Uncle Set alive in a tomb in Egypt.

This after Set had used an ancient Egyptian black magic spell to exile his father Osiris to a planet near the star Sirius (although the spell did have an expiry date on it- the ancient Egyptian equivalent of 2012 A.D.).

Set’s tomb had been discovered in Egypt in 1918 and when the tomb was officially re-opened on November 11th, 1918 (which coincidentally was the same date as the Armistice which ended the hostilities of World War I), some Oxford trained Egyptologist had unwittingly allowed Set to escape and once again wreak havoc upon the world.

Horus as a vampire had been killed after being impaled with a wooden spear through the heart wielded by the great Roman general Pompey in 48 BC who hadn’t taken kindly to a remark Horus had made to him, “Pompey, I’ve known gods, I’ve met gods, Pompey, you’re no god.”

His decision to kill Horus led the Egyptian vampiress Isis to support Julius Caesar in the Roman Civil War against Pompey.

A factor that proved favourable to Caesar.

Pompey ended up being assassinated in Egypt on September 29th, 48 BC.

And now poor Horus’ spirit was confined to the Underworld.

But Trevor Fontaine’s mother had been a spiritist medium and her son inherited the gift.

So in addition to his financial savvy, Fontaine also had the ability to channel Horus for Isis.

Another factor that had led Isis to choose Fontaine as the de facto head of her financial empire.

Now Trevor Fontaine sat in his London hotel room anxious not to go outside lest he be confronted by demonstrators who were protesting British Prime Minister David Cameron’s severe austerity measures and public service cutbacks.

As a financier and investment banker, the crowd would not take too kindly to him.

To be sure, Fontaine was a shadowy figure not very well known to the public at large but there was always the possibility that someone out there might see and recognize his shadow.

To be continued.

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Renfield Interviews Martin Sheen and Interrogates Prisoners At Guantanamo Bay

March 23, 2011 at 6:39 pm (Humour, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

CNN News Announcer: Due to the unsuccessful use of anesthetic at his dentist, Piers Morgan will not be hosting his show Piers Morgan Tonight tonight…

… instead an apparently famous individual from Britain whom I’ve never heard of before by the name of Renfield R. Renfield will be filling in as host tonight …

… Mr. Renfield would like me to say that if Charles Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall Lady Camilla are watching this program that Mr. Renfield would like a personal invitation to attend Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s wedding at Westminster Abbey next month…

… Mr. Renfield’s guest tonight on Piers Morgan Tonight without Piers Morgan is veteran actor Martin Sheen star of numerous TV shows and movies including The West Wing…

… and now here’s Mr. Renfield R. Renfield with Martin Sheen…

“So tell me, Martin,” Renfield grinned as he spoke, “how does it feel having a total nutcase for a son?”.

* * *

Later that evening Renfield R. Renfield arrived as a guest interrogator down at Guantanamo Bay.

Renfield had a well-deserved reputation as an interrogator in the intelligence community.

He had been asked on several occasions by both Scotland Yard and the CIA to get uncooperative prisoners to talk.

He had a 100% success rate.

Renfield arrived at Guantanamo Bay this evening sporting two huge black eyes as a TV interview he had had with Mr. Martin Sheen earlier in the evening hadn’t gone so well.

“The prisoners are tied up in their respective chairs and waiting for you,” said the CIA operative.

“Great,” Renfield smiled.

He put up a film screen and then inserted a DVD into the projector.

“And now gentlemen,” Renfield grinned, “may I present Miss Rebecca Black’s video Friday…”

The prisoners squirmed in their seats as Miss Black went through her respective and numerous Yeah-yeahs at the start of the song.

By the time Miss Black regaled them with her astounding lyrics “Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal”, the prisoners started tossing their cookies they had eaten as a snack an hour before.

By the time Miss Black reached the lines “Gotta make my mind up Which seat can I take?”, the prisoners fell off their chairs.

Through the numerous repetitions of the lines “Partyin’ partyin’ (Yeah)” and “Fun, fun, fun, fun”, the prisoners were positively writhing in agony on the floor.

By the time Miss Black hit those brilliant lines of 21st Century literary prose “Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday, Today i-is Friday, Friday (partyin’)” and “Tomorrow is Saturday, And Sunday comes after… wards, I don’t want this weekend to end”, the prisoners were screaming in unison that they wanted the video stopped.

Then when Miss Black reached the lines “It’s Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday”, the prisoners demanded they be allowed to tell the CIA operative everything he wanted to know.

* * *

“Another job well done,” the CIA operative said as he handed the freelance interrogator Renfield a cheque for $500,000 U.S.

* * *

As Renfield flew back home to London, he tuned in to Coast To Coast AM with George Noory on the plane radio.

“Tonight on Coast To Coast, another tale of alien abduction,” George Noory’s voice intoned, “yes, on tonight’s program… an ET alien makes the astounding claim that he was abducted… by Charlie Sheen…”

* * *

To be continued.

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Spring, The Boidies and Jack O’ Hare

March 20, 2011 at 10:49 am (Humour, Poetry)

Today is the first day of Spring in the Northern Hemisphere.

Spring has sprung
the grass has riz
I wonder where de boidies is.

Actually the grass hasn’t riz and there’s still loads of snow on the grass outside.
Still no signs of little boidies with their wings flapping and their behinds crapping (particularly on statues) and their beaks chirping and their tweets slirping.
I still haven’t seen Jack O’ Hare
standing there in his bunny underwear
I just see his tracks in the snow
he’s a rabbit on the go
he hippity hops here
he hippity hops there
he hippity hops everywhere
making circles in the town square.

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Herr Hans and The Unknown Spells of Solomon

March 13, 2011 at 10:06 pm (Vampire novel)

Herr Hans the “spirit of Vatican II” filled priest and theologian (and closet worshipper of the Vampire Osiris and the Vampiress Isis) was in the Vatican Archives’ most extremely rare book section.

He was reading the copy of an ancient manuscript written by King Solomon- yes that King Solomon!- of building the Temple in Jerusalem fame.

It was a book written by Solomon on the subject of Demonology- more specifically how to invoke and summon demons.

So that is of course why the Vatican never announced to the world the book’s existence.

For the Church faced enough problems in the world without a book teaching people how to invoke and summon demons.

For of course the spells in this book could actually do that. Many books claimed to do it but couldn’t.

And Herr Hans was invoking a demon to kill a certain Cardinal.

A Cardinal who wanted to continue the policies of Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI in the Church.

A Cardinal young enough to be considered papal material at a future Conclave.

And such a Pope the Church could not have, Herr Hans reasoned.

* * *

A rare thunderstorm in Rome on a late wintery early March evening.

And a Cardinal lay dead in his bed struck by lightning through an open window.

* * *

Herr Hans smiled.

His mission had been a success.

To be continued.

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Qonzilqointec and The Comet

March 12, 2011 at 11:38 pm (Mystery, Vampire novel) ()

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec was on her ranch in the desert hills.

A ranch where the night sky was not blinded by the bright lights or the smog of Mexico City where she lived in her penthouse apartment.

Here on her ranch was her own astronomical observatory where she observed the stars and the planets and awaited the return of her spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl from Saturn’s moon Titan in the year 2012.

On this early March evening, as she stood in a regal gold evening dress and serpent emblazoned golden spiked stiletto high-heels, she observed the solar system in her liquid mercury reflecting telescope.

She remarked to her valet Javier, “Do you see this comet that’s approaching Earth, Javier?”.

“I do, your Highness,” Javier bowed, “I do not recall hearing or reading about such a comet in the news.”

“That’s because, Javier,” Qonzilqointec smiled and flashed her white glistening vampiric fangs, “this observatory of mine is the only astronomical observatory in the world that can see this comet approach.”

The comet grew closer and closer to Earth with each passing second.

To be continued.

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The Ark of The Covenant

March 11, 2011 at 9:26 pm (Mystery, Vampire novel) ()

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu arrived at the secret military base in the Negev Desert.

He was met by a Deputy Director of Mossad who had something very important to show him.

Netanyahu was shown into a military warehouse where he was shown the object that Mossad had found.

As he gazed on the object, he knew from his Torah classes as a youngster exactly what this object was…

“It’s… ” the Israeli Prime Minister was so overcome with emotion, he couldn’t finish his sentence.

“The Ark of the Covenant, Mr. Prime Minister,” the Mossad official finished the sentence for him.

“How and where did you find it?” Netanyahu asked.

“There will be a detailed report on the whole operation on your desk tomorrow, Mr. Prime Minister,” the official replied, “a report top secret and confidential and for your eyes only.”

“Yes, the find must be kept secret for now,” Netanyahu agreed, “especially in these times when the whole Middle East is aflame.”

* * *

Later in the Prime Minister’s office in Jerusalem, Benjamin Netanyahu received a private email from Vladimir Putin the Prime Minister of Russia.

The email had been sent to the Prime Minister’s private email account that only other world leaders knew the existence of.

The email was terse:

I know you have found the Ark of the Covenant.

You must give the Ark of the Covenant to Russia no later than ___________.

Failure to do so will result in an invasion of your country by Russia.

* * *

And the email was simply signed Vladimir.

* * *

Prime Minister Netanyahu was stunned.

What would Russia want with the Ark of the Covenant which was a Hebrew treasure and cultural relic?

And why was Russia threatening to invade Israel if it didn’t get it?

The Prime Minister looked at the date when the ultimatum expired.

* * *

In a temple in India, worshippers and onlookers were stunned when a statue of Shiva the Destroyer actually came to life.

And started to dance.

* * *

To be continued.

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Lilith’s Blair Witch Project

March 10, 2011 at 9:19 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , )

Peter Whitstable was to Interpol what Fox Mulder had been to the FBI in the fictional TV series The X-Files.

He was Interpol’s resident authority on and investigator of all phenomena supernatural and occultic.

Like Mulder, Whitstable was considered a flake and a nut case by his colleagues.

Today Whitstable was examining several photos taken at the Civil Forum on Peace In A Globalized Economy held at Pastor Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California this past Sunday March 6th at which Rev. Warren interviewed former British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

What intrigued him about the photos was a beautiful woman sitting in the front row of the audience at the Forum.

Whitstable recognized her right away.

She was the ancient Mesopotamian vampiress Lilith the first vampiress ever in human history.

The woman who had started the long chain of vampires and vampiresses throughout history.

How Lilith herself became a vampiress no authority on the vampiric was quite sure.

But all agreed she was the world’s first vampiric immortal.

And one still alive.

Unlike the world’s most famous vampiric immortal Dracula who had been slain by a Van Helsing back in the 19th Century and thus was immortal no longer.

What was Lilith doing attending a Civil Forum on Peace In A Globalized Economy at which Rev. Rick Warren and Tony Blair were present?

To be continued.

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Isis and Dracul and Qonzilqointec

March 9, 2011 at 7:30 pm (Mystery, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Isis and Dracul and Qonzilqointec

The Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing lay in his bed in his Paris hotel room.

Suddenly a mysterious and powerful breeze blew open the shuttered windows of his hotel room.

And then flying in through the windows in a lovely red dress was the Egyptian vampiress Isis.

“Dracul, darling,” she embraced the vampire hunter on his bed and then took him over her knee and spanked him.

She then made wild passionate love to him.

And then she said, “The winds of change are blowing over the world more fiercely than at any point in its previous history.”

And then she flew out the window.

The shutters mysteriously shut behind her.

“Well, that certainly felt great,” Dracul thought to himself.

Just then another powerful breeze blew open the window.

And this time the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec flew in through the window.

She too was wearing a lovely red dress.

“Dracul, my dearest,” she ran to embrace him.

Then she too took the naked Dracul over her knee and spanked him.

Then she also made wild passionate love to him.

Finally she kissed him passionately on the lips (as Isis had done before) and said, “The winds of change are blowing over the world more fiercely than at any point in its previous history.”

Dracul was beginning to develop a sense of deja vu about the whole experience.

Qonzilqointec flew out the window.

The shutters mysteriously shut behind her.

And so Dracul Van Helsing vampire hunter, cum laude graduate in Philosophy and geopolitical analyst lay in bed and drifted into a deep and pleasant sleep.

Outside in the Paris night sky, the stars in the constellation Orion’s belt seemed to shine more brightly than ever.

To be continued.

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