The ANN Animal News Network News

June 1, 2011 at 9:02 pm (Commentary, Personal essays, Satire) (, , , , , , , )

(Scene: The studios of ANN- Animal News Network)

Voice of ANN Announcer: This is ANN- the world’s most watched Animal News Network. This is the original animal news network unlike that upstart Crazy As A Fox Network News.

News Anchorwoman Zelda Zebra: Hello, I’m Zelda Zebra. Coming up next on ANN, the Situation Room With Wolf Ritzer.

(Camera focuses in on a wolf eating some Ritz crackers)

Wolf Ritzer (spilling some Ritz crackers on his suit and tie): We’ve got an interesting story in the Situation Room today, Zelda.

Zelda (flicking her mane of zebra hair with her purple nail polished hoofs): What’s that, Wolf?

Wolf: Well Zelda, you may have heard about a couple of pigs living up on a farm in Ontario, Canada. The couple recently announced to their neighbours that they have a baby. But they won’t tell the neighbours whether the baby is theirs or what species of baby it is. They figure this new baby they call Hail should be be allowed to decide his/her own species itself. They figure that a baby animal should not let society dictate what species it is to be. Their argument is why shouldn’t wolves be allowed to moo and eat grass and why shouldn’t cows be allowed to lift their heads and bay at the moon? Why shouldn’t bunnies be allowed to quack and why shouldn’t ducks have big ears and be allowed to hop around in the grass?

Zelda: I understand Baby Hail has unleashed a storm of controversy all over the world.

Wolf: Indeed it has, Zelda. The outcry has caused Baby Hail’s airheaded mother to release a terse and airheaded statement from her farm up in Ontario, Canada saying, “This just shows the inherent prejudices and stereotypes of the society we live in when animals won’t allow a baby to be able to choose its own species.”

Zelda: That should be an interesting story in today’s Situation Room, Wolf.

Wolf: Thanks, Zelda.

Zelda: Also coming up at the top of the hour, what role did the White House family dog Bo play in the hunt and eventual capture and death of Osama bin Laden’s pet rat?

Voice of ANN Announcer: You are watching ANN…

-A satire written by Christopher Van Helsing
Tuesday evening, May 31st 2011

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