Observations At A Bus Stop On A June Morning

June 13, 2011 at 4:53 pm (Poetry) ()

June morning
downtown bus stop
rock and flower garden at the stop
young girl reaches out with outstretched hands
towards the garden
will she grab a stone or flower?
The hand still reaches out
but neither rock nor flower
does she grab.
What invisible thing is she reaching towards?
This on-looker takes a closer look.
The young girl sees a beautiful butterfly
flying above a flower.
The young girl is reaching out
trying to grasp the pretty butterfly.
The hand is almost there…
near the butterfly’s wings.
Slowly, slowly she reaches out
oh to touch that beautiful butterfly
The hand is near, oh so near
and then…
zoom!
The beautiful butterfly flies away
A look of disappointment
on the young girl’s face
for her hand now grasps
neither rock nor flower nor butterfly.
Her hand is left grasping nothing.

She could have taken a rock or flower
but the butterfly moved and danced in the breeze
making it a much more desirable object
but to grasp a butterfly…
the butterfly flies away
leaving her with nothing.

Oh what elusive creatures butterflies are!

But it is that elusiveness that produces desire.

For those dreamers such as the young girl
beauty does not stand fixed like a statue
nor slowly shifts back and forth aimlessly like a plant
beauty moves and flows like life itself
for dreamers such as the young girl
it must either be the butterfly… or nothing.

-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Monday afternoon, June 13th 2011
based on what he had observed at a bus stop
this lovely June morning.

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The Phoenix Bird and The Beautiful Garden

June 11, 2011 at 5:44 pm (Poetry) (, )

At the dawn of humanity
a lovely garden
and the Phoenix bird flew
from tree to tree.
No animal lovelier than the phoenix bird
with its multicoloured feathers.
Man and woman
in the garden.
They were entranced with the phoenix
and its lovely multicoloured plumage.
One day the woman by the babbling brook
noticed the fair beautiful bird
sitting in a tree.
She approached.
The bird chirped.
The woman seemed hesitant.
The bird chirped again.
The woman reached out to the bird
and the bird flew away.
She grabbed a fruit from the branch the bird sat on.
She ate some of the fruit.
And gave some to the man to eat.

A huge storm descended upon the garden.
The man turned ashen white.
The woman wept.
And the Phoenix lost its beautiful
multicoloured feathers
and its beautiful multicoloured plumage
and all its wings
and all its talons
and its beak
and its lovely song
and its harmonious chirp.

And the bare naked bird
stripped of its colour
and its feathers
and its plumage
and its talons
and its beak
and its lovely song
and its harmonious chirp
could fly and soar no longer.

Instead it slithered in the grass
while crawling on its belly
and waved its tongue at passers-by.
And the descendants of the once great and beautiful bird
some grew fangs
that dripped with poisonous venom
that lashed out at any that came near
the creature could not but remember its former glory
and brooding in the dark holes of the earth
its heart became poisoned
and went through its entire body
so the fangs became poisoned.

And the poison grew over the entire earth.

As for the garden,
the man and woman were sent away from the garden
never to return
so that the poison would not destroy
the beautiful garden.

-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Saturday evening June 11th 2011.

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The Storm

June 10, 2011 at 8:49 pm (Poetry) (, , )

All day the city skies were blue with humidity
then the haze moved in slowly
and then like an invisible dragon materializing
one speck at a time
A dark gray here
A dark gray there
and then the enormous body of the dragon formed
cloud upon cloud upon cloud
and seemed to swallow the tops of the skyscrapers
advancing downwards ever downwards
then it roared
and roared
and… ROARED!
Then it opened its mouth
and shot out a spark of fire
and the 80-year-old tree
in the middle of the park
was no more.
Slain by a fire-breathing dragon.
And the hail stones on the ground
provided cold comfort to the grass.

-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Friday evening, June 10th 2011
in the middle of a thunderstorm.

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June Night

June 9, 2011 at 9:50 pm (Horror, Poetry, The Supernatural) (, , , , )

June night
hot warm and slzzling
and the sizzling beast emerged from under the earth
making the city hotter still.
Fahrenheit temperatures rising and rising
what is up with all this heat?
Of course Hell is slightly cooler
as the sizzling beasts from below
now walk the earth.
The city looks pleasant enough on a June evening
but that is often the case before doom strikes.

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The Boiling Frog Experiment

June 8, 2011 at 7:17 pm (Commentary, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was spending Wednesday evening cooped up in the Set Enterprises lab (as he spent every other evening of a 7-day week).

And of course Michelangelo had his antenna hooked up to a computer so it could read and penetrate the sleeping thoughts (i.e. dreams) of individuals all over the world and then pass the information to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s computer data base.

Michelangelo had heard Wednesday called “hump day” by certain employees of Set Enterprises.

Which may explain why Set Enterprises’ chief mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had just spent “hump day” genetically engineering a camel who wouldn’t have a hump.

Michelangelo could not surmise the reason why Dr. Cadbury Rocher would do this.

After all he had heard it said by the great Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing that “A camel was God’s way of letting the world know what a horse would look like if it had been designed by a committee.”

So where would a camel be without his hump?

God only knew.

And Dr. Cadbury Rocher was obviously anxious to find out.

Totally oblivious to the fact that humpless camels had already been discovered in southern Tanzania.

But some poor snook Arabian camel was being made to suffer for Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s lack of knowledge.

Such was the calling of science these days.

As for Michelangelo, he himself was a lobster who had been genetically engineered by Dr. Cadbury Rocher to enter people’s dreams and their unconscious minds.

Michelangelo decided once again to enter the unconscious mind of the comatose Renfield R. Renfield who was still lying in a coma in the neurosciences unit of King’s College Hospital here in London.

This time he would not be sending his own visual images into Renfield’s dream like he had last Friday night when he had sent to Renfield’s brain his own version of the Lady Gaga video Judas.

Rather he would choose to see what sort of dreams Renfield dreamt about on his own.

Renfield was dreaming that he was in the kitchen of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

Amadeus Emanon was sitting at the kitchen table eating from a bag of potato chips.

Renfield had a pot on the stove and he had placed a frog in the pot and was slowly raising the temperature of the pot on the stove.

“What are you doing?” Amadeus asked as he munched on a potato chip.

“I’m trying to determine whether that theory which says if you place a frog in boiling water right away it will immediately jump out- which I tried on the previous frog and it died when I placed it in boiling water,” Renfield explained, “but now I’m empirically testing the second part of the theory which says if you slowly raise the temperature of the water up to boiling, the frog won’t jump out of the pot until it’s too late and the frog will boil to death.”

“That’s horrible,” Amadeus stopped eating his potato chip.

“I know,” Renfield cackled an evil laugh.

Amadeus was too paralyzed by the sound of Renfield’s evil laugh to get up and rescue the frog.

And with each passing moment, Renfield used the knobs on the stove to slowly raise the temperature of the water the frog was in.

Suddenly one could hear the water starting to boil and bubble portending trouble…

… particularly for the frog…

…. when suddenly…

… Miss Piggy walked into the kitchen and screamed, “KERMIT! What are you letting that evil man do to you?.”

To be continued.

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The Twitter Flasher of New York City

June 6, 2011 at 7:12 pm (Commentary, Satire) (, , , , , , , , , , )

After I saw Rep. Anthony Weiner’s pitiful announcement and press conference on CNN today, the thought came to me to write a satirical song about the whole sordid mess.

And the lyrics that were entering my mind as I watched this press conference were to the tune of an old World War II song The D-Day Dodgers.

During World War II, a story surfaced that British Member of Parliament Lady Astor said that the British troops who were fighting in the Invasion of Italy were enjoying a paid holiday and not making the same heroic sacrifices that the Allied soldiers were making on the beaches of Normandy during D-Day and afterwards.

In fact the Allied invasion of Italy was a very bloody campaign and some British soldier took it upon himself to write a reply to Lady Astor in song- a song that became known to history as The D-Day Dodgers.

The tune of the D-Day Dodgers itself came from an earlier World War I song Lily Marlene that was sung in the trenches of that great and terrible war.

Here are the lyrics to The D-Day Dodgers:

We’re the D-Day Dodgers, way off in Italy
Always on the vino, always on the spree,
Eighth Army scoungers and their tanks,
We live in Rome, among the Yanks,
We are the D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy
We are the D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy;
We landed in Salerno, a holiday with pay,
the Jerries brought the bands out to greet us on the way.
Showed us the sights and gave us tea,
We all sang songs, the beer was free
To welcome D-Day Dodgers to sunny Italy.

Naples and Casino were taken in our stride,
We didn’t want to fight there, we went just for the ride.
Anzio and Sangro were just names,
We only went to look for dames
The artful D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy.

Dear Lady Astor, you think you’re mighty hot
Standing on the platform talking tommyrot.
You’re England’s sweetheart and her pride
We think your mouth’s too bleeding wide.
We are the D-Day Dodgers in sunny Italy,
Look around the mountains, in the mud and rain,
you’ll find the scattered crosses, some that have no name.
They are the D-Day Dodgers who stay in Italy.

Here’s a video of the song The D-Day Dodgers so you get an idea of the tune:

Here’s my satirical song The Twitter Flasher of New York City set to the tune of the song The D-Day Dodgers:

I’m the Twitter Flasher of dear New York Cit-ee
always with my weenie when I’m on my PC,
social media scounger with my many pranks
I schmooze in DC- capital of the Yanks
I’m the Twitter Flasher from New York Cit-ee
I’m the Twitter Flasher letting it hang out in DC.
I sent a message on Twitter- a jolly site today
I pulled my Jerry down to greet her this special way.
Showed her the sights before I had to pee
I didn’t realize I’d sent it for everyone to see
so I claimed a hacker hacked in from some unknown point B.

Facebook and Twitter I just took in my stride
all I wanted was to give my jolly a jolly good ride
Miss X and Lady Y were just simply names
I only went FB’ing just to look for dames.
I’m the artful Flasher in NY and DC.

Dear Andrew Breitbart, you think you’re mighty hot
Standing in the blogosphere talking tommy rot
but when it comes to shortcomings, you’ve shown
the world nothing to what I’ve got.
I’m the Twitter Flasher of New York Cit-ee
Look around the cyberlandscape amid the sleeze and the pain
you’ll find the scattered hearts, some that have no name
cause I’m the Twitter Flasher of New York Cit-ee.

-A satirical song written by Christopher Van Helsing
Monday evening June 6th 2011
to be sung to the tune of The D-Day Dodgers.

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Renfield’s Dream of Lady Gaga’s Judas Video Re-Interpreted

June 3, 2011 at 11:05 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Michelangelo the psychic lobster who had been genetically engineered by Set Laboratories to enter people’s dreams was spending yet another boring Friday night in the lab.

How the lobster wished he could spend a Friday night out on the town.

Of course if Michelangelo realized just how popular a dish roast lobster was in London, he might not have been so anxious to go out on the town.

So to cure his boredom, Michelangelo decided that he would once again enter the dreams of the comatose Renfield R. Renfield who had knocked himself out the day before Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding when he finally realized that he was not going to get an invitation to the event.

Michelangelo started sending visual images from Lady Gaga’s latest music video Judas into Renfield’s mind.

Instead of Lady Gaga however, it was a woman who looked like body builder and fitness instructor Denise Paglia who was singing the song Judas.

As Denise Paglia sang, “I’m in love with Judas-as, Judas-as”, she started kissing the leather motorcycle jacketed Judas in the video.

And the leather motorcycle jacketed Judas just happened to bear a striking resemblance to atheistic philosopher and economic Nietzschean Ayn Rand (1905-82) author of The Fountainhead (1943) and Atlas Shrugged (1957).

In the background in the video in Renfield’s dream could be heard a statement that His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI made last month in which he said that it was sinful for any Catholic to pose as being someone else on the Net and to claim to be somebody that they are not.

Denise Paglia sang the Lady Gaga lyrics to Jesus in the video,

I wanna love you,
but something’s pulling me away from you
Jesus is my virtue…

Denise Paglia then turned her back on Jesus and embraced and kissed Judas who was indeed the spitting image of atheistic philosopher and economic Nietzschean Ayn Rand.

Paglia sang,

And Judas is the demon I cling to
I cling to.

As Renfield watched the video in the dream in his mind, he said,
“Gee, I really feel like eating roast lobster about now…”

It was then that Michelangelo left his dream.

So the Paglia/Gaga figure in the video in the dream never did learn the result of what would be the images of Michelangelo’s Last Judgment upon her….

To be continued.

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The ANN Animal News Network News

June 1, 2011 at 9:02 pm (Commentary, Personal essays, Satire) (, , , , , , , )

(Scene: The studios of ANN- Animal News Network)

Voice of ANN Announcer: This is ANN- the world’s most watched Animal News Network. This is the original animal news network unlike that upstart Crazy As A Fox Network News.

News Anchorwoman Zelda Zebra: Hello, I’m Zelda Zebra. Coming up next on ANN, the Situation Room With Wolf Ritzer.

(Camera focuses in on a wolf eating some Ritz crackers)

Wolf Ritzer (spilling some Ritz crackers on his suit and tie): We’ve got an interesting story in the Situation Room today, Zelda.

Zelda (flicking her mane of zebra hair with her purple nail polished hoofs): What’s that, Wolf?

Wolf: Well Zelda, you may have heard about a couple of pigs living up on a farm in Ontario, Canada. The couple recently announced to their neighbours that they have a baby. But they won’t tell the neighbours whether the baby is theirs or what species of baby it is. They figure this new baby they call Hail should be be allowed to decide his/her own species itself. They figure that a baby animal should not let society dictate what species it is to be. Their argument is why shouldn’t wolves be allowed to moo and eat grass and why shouldn’t cows be allowed to lift their heads and bay at the moon? Why shouldn’t bunnies be allowed to quack and why shouldn’t ducks have big ears and be allowed to hop around in the grass?

Zelda: I understand Baby Hail has unleashed a storm of controversy all over the world.

Wolf: Indeed it has, Zelda. The outcry has caused Baby Hail’s airheaded mother to release a terse and airheaded statement from her farm up in Ontario, Canada saying, “This just shows the inherent prejudices and stereotypes of the society we live in when animals won’t allow a baby to be able to choose its own species.”

Zelda: That should be an interesting story in today’s Situation Room, Wolf.

Wolf: Thanks, Zelda.

Zelda: Also coming up at the top of the hour, what role did the White House family dog Bo play in the hunt and eventual capture and death of Osama bin Laden’s pet rat?

Voice of ANN Announcer: You are watching ANN…

-A satire written by Christopher Van Helsing
Tuesday evening, May 31st 2011

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