Renfield and The Norwegian Terror Suspect
“I’m not having much fun interrogating Anders Behring Breivik,” Renfield said over the phone from Oslo, Norway.
“Why not?” Amadeus asked.
“Because the guy’s willing to talk,” Renfield complained, “how can I torture a suspect when he’s willing to talk? It’s much more fun when they refuse to talk so then I can torture them. I’m having to end up asking the guy questions from Trivia Night down at our old George and Dragon Pub that we used to go to and when he doesn’t know the answers or answers incorrectly, then I get the chance to torture him.”
“I see,” Amadeus commented.
“And another thing, I thought this guy was supposed to be a fundamentalist Christian,” Renfield complained, “and yet he says he believes in Darwinian evolution. I didn’t think fundamentalist Christians believed in Darwinian evolution. He says in his long-winded 1,500 page manifesto “… it is essential that science takes an undisputed precedence over biblical teachings.” Furthermore the guy’s a Freemason. I thought Lucifer was the Great Architect of the Universe in Freemasonic teachings. Fundamentalist Christians are worshipping Lucifer now? He also writes on page 1307 of his long-winded 1,500 page manifesto that “If you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and God, then you are a religious Christian. Myself and many more like me do not necessarily have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and God.” Is that the thinking of fundamentalist Christians nowadays?”.
“Well maybe since the advent of Rick Warren and the Church has now become Purpose Driven rather than Christ driven, that’s the feeling of fundamentalist Christians these days,” Amadeus answered.
To be continued.
Amy Winehouse: A Poem
Amy Winehouse-
-dead at 27-
-camera on a life fades-
-back to black.
-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Saturday evening July 23rd 2011.
Renfield’s Joy Then Despair
“You look awfully happy again,” Amadeus remarked to Renfield.
“That’s because Norwegian police just hired me to do a freelance interrogation of the main suspect in yesterday’s terror attack in Oslo and at some kids’ summer camp,” Renfield smiled, “this interrogation will offer me the chance to practice my Norwegian.”
“But you don’t speak Norwegian,” Amadeus pointed out.
“That’s why it will give me the chance to practice Norwegian,” Renfield laughed.
Suddenly the phone rang.
Renfield picked it up.
Moments later, Renfield burst into tears.
“What’s the matter?” Amadeus asked.
“Singer Amy Winehouse is dead at age 27,” Renfield sobbed uncontrollably.
“Wow, I never thought I’d see you cry at the death of a fellow human being,” Amadeus was flabbergasted at this show of compassion on Renfield’s part.
“Normally I wouldn’t,” Renfield said between sobs and tears, “but just yesterday I placed a 2500 pound sterling bet with my bookie predicting that the age at which Amy Winehouse would die would be 28.”
To be continued.
Renfield and Rebecca Black’s Moment
“I noticed Rebecca Black has just released a new song and video called My Moment,” Amadeus Emanon remarked as he spilled hot buttered popcorn all over his freshly washed shirt.
“That was the wonderful thing about being in a coma for two months,” Renfield said through mouth loads of tuna fish sandwich, “I missed all the fuss and kefuffle over Rebecca Black’s song Friday.”
“I happen to like Rebecca Black’s song Friday,” Amadeus looked at the calendar and noticed that it was a Tuesday.
“Well, if you don’t mind me saying so, Amadeus, I’ve always thought you a bit weird,” Renfield put some bananas and chocolate sauce on top of his tuna fish sandwich.
“I noticed Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing on his relationship status at Facebook says In a complicated relationship with Rebecca Black and Robinson Crusoe’s manservant Friday,” Amadeus then helped himself to his plate of fish n’ chips.
“Really?” Renfield was shocked, “But Rebecca Black is only 13 years old. I didn’t know Van Helsing liked them that young and wouldn’t a manservant be a reference to a guy? I didn’t know Van Helsing swung both ways.”
“I believe his relationship status is meant to be a joke,” Amadeus explained, “since Rebecca Black had a hit song called Friday and as for Robinson Crusoe’s manservant Friday, he’s a fictional character in a fictional novel called Robinson Crusoe that was written by British writer Daniel Defoe back in 1719.”
“Well not everyone has the advantage of a classical education such as yourself,” Renfield snorted between mouthfuls of tuna fish and banana and chocolate sauce sandwiches.
“Well, I’ve never had a formal classical education,” Amadeus replied, “I just read a great deal of the books in the Boss’ library. Maybe if you read the books in there instead of all the porno girlie magazines, you’d be classically educated too.”
“I don’t look at porno photos of women in magazines,” Renfield protested, “I look at them on the Net.”
“So Van Helsing doesn’t really pursue 13-year-old girls nor is he bisexual,” Amadeus put some more malt vinegar on his fish, “in fact he’s 100% excessively heterosexual.”
“How can someone be excessively heterosexual?” Renfield put his sandwich down and stared at Amadeus quizzically.
“Well those were the words that South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan used of him in a conversation I had with her once,” Amadeus bit into the batter of fresh Atlantic cod.
“Really?” Renfield bit his lip, “Damn! I knew I should have videotaped what Dracul and Hyung were doing in that hotel room in Cannes that time we had a room next to them. It would have made for one hot tape.”
To be continued.
Hot Humid Day
Hot humid day
no breeze
so my mind drifts back a couple of weeks
to a cool yet pleasant day
sitting in Huku’s Bistro
listening to classical music
played on ancient Chinese instruments
on the Bistro’s sound system
watching the trees
and the hanging flower pots
outside dancing in the breeze.
Seemingly dancing
in rhythm to the music.
Today stifling heat
no breeze
no energy to dance
the trees
and the hanging flower pots are still.
-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Monday afternoon, July 18th 2011.
Citizen Renfield
“So what are you looking pleased as punch about?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield as the latter sat at his computer grinning away like a Cheshire cat.
“I’ve been thinking,” Renfield couldn’t keep the grin off his face, “that if this News of the World phone hacking scandal continues to deepen, the Boss might be able to pick up the remains of Rupert Murdoch’s news empire at bargain basement prices and he’ll naturally name me the head of this new news empire and I shall use it to control the world.”
“There’s a dreadful thought,” Amadeus saw such a future and knew it wouldn’t work for humanity.
“So hopefully the Murdoch empire will go down, down, down,” said Renfield, “and we shall pick up the pieces.”
“But you’ve hacked into other people’s phones and computers on numerous occasions yourself, haven’t you?” Amadeus asked.
“Yes, but there’s a difference between me and Rupert Murdoch’s reporters in that,” Renfield answered.
“What’s that?” Amadeus asked.
“I’ve never been caught,” Renfield stuck out his chest proudly.
To be continued.
Michelangelo The Psychic Lobster And A Radio Transmission From The Future
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was picking up yet another radio transmission from the future on his antenna.
This had happened to him a few times in the past- he’d pick up radio transmissions from the future.
And now it was happening to him in the present- picking up a radio transmission from the future.
He wondered how a philosopher of the subject of space and time would think of the terms he was currently using.
Anyhow he decided to tune in on this particular radio transmission from the future.
It seemed to be a radio news broadcast from July 2021- 10 years from now this month.
He heard the announcer’s voice, “Today New York State became the first state in the Union to pass a bill legalizing inter-species marriage. The bill was passed by the state legislature after a controversial debate and signed into law by New York Gov. Yet An Other Flaky Cuomo. The first to take the plunge were a woman and her wild salmon love interest. Next to get hitched were a man and his horse…”
Michelangelo decided to tune off the transmission.
He felt perspiration and sweat on his brow despite the fact he seemed to be in a tank of fairly cool water.
He then noticed one of the female lab technicians in the Set Enterprises Lab looking at him intently with her eyes and licking her lips.
That expression in her eyes… was it one of hunger? Or one of lust?
As the female lab technician raised her lab coat and her skirt exposing her upper thighs, Michelangelo backed away from the scene to the other side of the tank.
Michelangelo was glad that he was not living in the year 2021.
The way that female human looked at him just then…
The poor fellow reflected that he just might find himself in the boiling hot waters of the bonds of unholy matrimony in the year 2021…
To be continued.
Prince William and Kate Middleton In Canada
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings- nor lose the common touch,
…. Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more— you’ll be a Man, my son.
-If a poem written in 1910 by Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)
Watching Prince William and Kate Middleton’s visit to Canada these past few days reminds me of these lines from Rudyard Kipling’s poem If.
Frankly, Prince William and Kate Middleton are absolutely an amazing couple.
And that has certainly come across in the time they’ve spent in Canada.
They’ve thoroughly charmed Canadians- including French-Canadians in the province of Quebec who (according to the news media anyway) are supposed to be staunchly anti-royal and anti-monarchist.
There were a minority of Quebec separatists who booed the couple in both Montreal and Quebec City but they were drowned out by the cheers of the friendly crowds.
The reason for their affection with everyday Canadians?
They are indeed a regal couple but ones who keep the common touch.
There is nothing stiff or formal about them.
They are genuinely affectionate and actually spend time talking to people and even more importantly listening to people.
Watching the interviews of Canadians on TV who have just met the Royal couple, that is the same theme over and over again.
“Prince William actually genuinely laughed at the joke I told him…”
“Kate asked me where I got the flowers I gave her…”
And it is not just one or two… or even dozens… it’s hundreds of people who say this.
Trying to keep Will and Kate to a fixed schedule has become a nightmare for Canadian organizers.
As they spend time and more time talking and walking among the crowds trying to engage in interaction with as many people as they can.
Watching all these scenes on the Canadian news, I came to the conclusion that Prince William and Kate Middleton are indeed a special couple.
But what solidified it for me was the announcement on the news tonight that Prince William and Kate Middleton will be making an unscheduled stop tomorrow morning in the town of Slave Lake, Alberta which was destroyed by fire this past May 16th and has now been called the second most expensive natural disaster in Canadian history.
According to the officials, Prince William and Kate Middleton have been allotted a full hour to talk to town residents who will be bussed in for the event- most of whose homes were destroyed by fire.
I have the feeling that hour will stretch way way past 60 minutes when the meeting does take place.
Kate Middleton seems she was born for this role. She is truly a princess in the most special sense of that word.
Prince William of course was born to the role of being a prince.
But not all who are born princes rise to the challenge.
Of which the most pre-eminent example is William’s own father Charles, Prince of Wales who had an ongoing multi-year extra-marital affair with Camilla Parker-Bowles all the time he was supposed to be ostensibly married to William’s own mother Princess Diana.
Of course Princess Diana was a very people-oriented person and no doubt William has inherited that from his mother.
I remember a story told me by a woman who remembered seeing Prince Charles and Princess Diana when they visited Edmonton, Alberta, Canada back in the early 1980s.
I’d never heard this story anywhere else. The woman said it wasn’t mentioned in the media covering the event.
She said Princess Diana was walking the streets and she said quite naturally she was looking at Princess Diana’s outfit.
And she said Diana was wearing the most beautiful looking shoes.
They were a very expensive pair of shoes too she judged by looking at them.
Anyhow Diana was talking to members of the crowd and she (the woman telling me the story) noticed the handlers were awfully anxious for Diana to get back in the car.
Finally one of the handlers motioned for Diana to get back in the car.
It was at that moment the woman narrator of the story noticed a little girl in a wheelchair way on the other side of the street who was holding some roses and looking very disappointed that she wasn’t going to meet Diana.
The narrator also noticed that there was a huge puddle in front of the girl in the wheelchair and because of the huge crowds standing around the only way Diana would be able to get to the girl to take the flowers would be to walk straight through that puddle to get to her.
Straight through that puddle in those beautiful shoes.
Those exquisite shoes.
Those expensive shoes.
The handler was doing Diana a favour by motioning for her to get back in the car.
It would save her lovely shoes from getting wrecked.
But just as Diana was about to enter the car, she just happened to look in the direction of the girl in the wheelchair.
The woman narrator of the story said from her vantage point, she could see both Diana’s face and that of the little girl.
She could tell from the expression on Diana’s face that Diana had not only noticed the little girl in the wheelchair but had noticed the puddle directly in front of the little girl as well.
She noticed Diana looking down at her shoes and as a fellow woman she said to me, she knew exactly what thoughts must have been going through Diana’s mind at that moment.
But then she noticed a firm look of determination suddenly appear on Diana’s face.
She walked away from the car much to the discomfort of all the handlers present and motioned them aside.
With full determination, she walked straight to the little girl in the wheelchair.
She walked straight through that puddle the woman narrator told me without even batting an eyelash.
She graciously accepted the little girl’s flowers and even spent a number of minutes in conversation with her much to the thrill and joyful expression of the little girl in the wheelchair.
And then just as determinedly Diana walked back through the puddle in her beautiful exquisite and expensive shoes holding the little girl’s flowers and then giving one last wave to the crowd before entering the car.
“That one action,” the woman narrator told me, “spoke volumes about the kind of character that Princess Diana had. And hers was definitely a character worth having.”
Indeed.
And it appears that Diana’s own son Prince William has the exact same sort of character.
And so does Diana’s own daughter-in-law Kate Middleton- whom she never lived to meet.
Princess Diana would be so proud if she were alive today.
Cyborg Goes Beserk Over Cupcakes
Renfield R. Renfield picked up the phone when it rang.
“Colossal London mansion of billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set,” Renfield answered, “This is Renfield R. Renfield Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering For Set Enterprises speaking.”
“Is Mr. Set in?” an exasperated voice asked.
“I’m sorry,” Renfield replied, “seeing as how it is still daylight, Mr. Set is currently napping in his sarcophagus.”
“Are you the one in charge then?” the exasperated voice asked.
“I am,” Renfield answered.
“Well, this is the Blue Bell Bakery calling,” said the exasperated voice, “just to let you know that Mr. Set’s cyborg Sophia is going beserk with the cupcakes in this place. She’s eating them all and the more she eats the more she goes on a sugar high and the crazier she becomes.”
“I’ll be right there,” Renfield put the phone down, “hm. Eating that many cupcakes is surely the sign of an addiction. And an addiction is a weakness in my opinion.” He finished eating his 99th tuna fish sandwich of the morning and ran to the door.
Amadeus Emanon followed him- eating his 50th bag of potato chips for the day.
* * *
Later in the Blue Bell Bakery, the short skirted redhead Cyborg Sophia was dancing on top of the counter in her spiked stiletto heels and singing, “Friday. Friday. Gotta get down on Friday.”
“But it’s Monday,” Amadeus pointed at the calendar.
“Just another manic Monday,” Sophia kicked up her heels and did a juggling routine with the few remaining cupcakes in the Blue Bell Bakery.
Renfield fired a tranquilizer dart at the Cyborg.
She collapsed on the counter.
“Who’s going to pay for the damages?” the Blue Bell Bakery owner demanded to know.
Renfield fired a tranquilizer dart at him as well.
“Okay,” Renfield threw the short skirted Cyborg over his shoulder, “let’s get out of here.”
To be continued.
Dracul Van Helsing 
The Scientist and Jack O’ Hare
July 9, 2011 at 7:04 pm (Commentary, Short Story) (Jack O' Hare, mad scientist, new genetic engineering, trans-species genetic engineering, transhumanism)
“Why shouldn’t pigs have wings?” the man with glasses in the white lab coat asked Jack O’ Hare.
The wild hare bunny rabbit raised his big ears when he heard the question and calmly continued to eat his carrot.
“We can make the sea boiling hot with nuclear explosions,” the scientist rubbed his hands together enthusiastically, “so why not give pigs wings? My colleagues and I are working on such wonders with genetic engineering. Perhaps you’d like wings, my big earred furry friend.”
Jack looked up at the sky.
He saw a crow and a magpie fighting.
Not all was so friendly in the skies despite the vast beautiful blue and the luminescent fluffy white clouds.
No, he was quite content with who God had made him to be- a bunny rabbit.
When Jack finished his carrot, he turned his back on the scientist in the lab coat and hopped away.
“But I can make you a god if you’d just give me the chance,” the scientist shouted after Jack O’ Hare, “for that’s the next stage in the cosmic evolution of all us species.”
The scientist’s name wasn’t Frankenstein but it may just as well have been.
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