Eating The McFrankenburger

August 5, 2013 at 8:00 pm (Commentary, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Eating The McFrankenburger

Renfield R. Renfield sat on the sofa eagerly clutching a bucket of hot buttered  popcorn and a large theatre sized carton of Coca-Cola eagerly waiting for the press conference to start on BBC News.

Amadeus sat eating black licorice and waited in nervous anticipation wondering what it was that Renfield had done.

                   .           .          .

Mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was at work in the Set Enterprises Laboratory when he suddenly noticed that one of his genetically created shapeshifting serums was missing.

                      .          .           .

Renfield turned up the volume on the remote when the press conference started.

The lead scientist from Maastricht University’s research team introduced the world’s first laboratory grown hamburger patty and the hamburger patty must have missed its calling in its brief short life because it did not stand up to take a bow.

Instead a chef from Cornwall cooked it and two food critics were called up on stage to eat it.

And that was it.

                   .           .             .

Renfield was flabbergasted.

“Nothing happened,”  Renfield cried.

Amadeus helped himself to some of the popcorn from Renfield’s carton of popcorn as Renfield sat on the sofa in a total state of shock.

                 .             .               .

Pan Goatee was being paid $2 million U.S. by America’s Rolling Stone Magazine to sit down for an exclusive interview with them.

It was the first such media interview that Britain’s most notorious contemporary serial  killer had granted.

“So,” Tila Tequila who was doing some freelance reporting for Rolling Stone Magazine asked him,  “you figure you were probably created in a genetics lab somewhere prior to waking up in the middle of the road after a lorry accident in northern England?”.

“That is correct,”  Pan Goatee grinned as he sipped on a strawberry margarita while wearing a t-shirt that said Strawberry Fields Forever.

“And do you think the Illuminati had anything to do with your creation?” Tila asked him as she adjusted her skirt.

“Well from my brief life span on this Earth in which I must admit I’ve accumulated a tremendous amount of knowledge thus showing what a great genius I am,” Pan  Goatee batted his eyelashes with modesty,  “I think the upper echelons of the Illuminati are obsessed with Osiris as a god of light and goodness.  I think I was probably created by forces more in alignment with Set who was Osiris’ darker more brooding more melancholy and more dark side of the force brother.”

“Wow that really blows my mind,” Tila  said, “I understand you have the ability to astral project as well.”

“That is correct,”  Pan Goatee astral projected his cloven left foot hoof across the room.

“Amazing,”   Tila gasped,  “and you say your ability to astral project only emerged a couple of months after you awoke lying in the middle of that road in northern England?”.

“Yes,” Pan Goatee unwrapped a Cadbury Caramilk bar and helped himself to a couple of Ferrero Rocher chocolates,  “I suspect whoever my creator is,  he hasn’t fully mastered the mixed DNA cocktails he creates.  And so some things only kick in to his creations months, weeks or possibly hours after their creation.”

                       .         .          .

The two food critics who had eaten the world’s first lab grown hamburger were now enjoying a nice juicy tenderloin steak in a swanky upscale London restaurant.

When the waiter came over to ask them how they were enjoying their meals,  both food critics suddenly turned into the spitting image of world-famous clown Ronald McDonald.

“Mon Dieu,” the restaurant’s French  maitre ‘d   gasped when he saw the transformation,  “this will mean bad reviews for the restaurant for sure.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 5th
2013.

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