Pan Goatee’s Music Video

November 11, 2013 at 9:06 am (Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Music Video

 

 

Pan Goatee decided to make a music video of his next round of torture and killings of Pakistani Taliban prisoners.

 

In this, he was assisted by CIA Agent Bob Belfor.

 

In the video, Pan Goatee was formally dressed in a suit and tux and bow tie and carrying a top hat and a cane.

 

As well as a large knife.

 

Pan Goatee (singing):   If you’re blue (pulls up a Taliban prisoner’s head he’s been holding under water) and you don’t know where to go to

 

why don’t you go to where fashion sits 

(sits the prisoner down on a chair of razor sharp spikes)

Puttin’ on the Ritz

(cuts off the prisoner’s finger and puts it on a Ritz cracker along with a slice of cheese and eats it)

 

Different types who wear a day coat pants 

with stripes and cutaway

coat perfect fits

 

(cuts off another Taliban prisoner’s arms and legs so he can fit into the boy sized day coat pants with stripes and cutaway coat that Bob Belfor is trying to fit him into)

 

 

Puttin’ on the Ritz

(cuts off another Taliban prisoner’s finger and puts it on a Ritz cracker with a slice of cheese and eats it)

 

Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper

(puts another Taliban prisoner into a large suitcase of U.S. money that totalled one million dollars and poured gasoline all over the money and the prisoner and set fire to it- since this was taxpayers’ money that the CIA had to burn)

 

 

Tryin’ hard to look like Gary Cooper (super dooper!)

 

(performs plastic surgery on another Taliban prisoner with his knife and without the use of anesthetic trying to see if he can get him to look like Gary Cooper but when he fails, he cuts off the man’s head and kicks it away in disgust)

 

 

Come let’s mix where Rockefellers

(glues a death mask of the late former U.S. Vice-President Nelson Rockefeller to another Taliban prisoner’s face)

walk with sticks

(cuts off the man’s legs and then glues sticks to his upper body)

or um-ber-ellas 

in their mitts

(cuts off the man’s hands and glues umbrellas to the arms of where they used to be and then tries to fit mitts on them)

 

Puttin’ on the Ritz 

(cuts off the finger of yet another Taliban prisoner and then puts it on a Ritz cracker with a slice of cheese and eats it)

 

 

Have you seen the well-to-do

on Park Avenue

On that famous thoroughfare

with their noses in the air…

 

(cuts off a whole bunch of Taliban prisoners’ noses and then juggles them in the air)

 

Camera closes in on Bob Belfor giving Pan Goatee a standing ovation for his new interpretation of the Fred Astaire-Taco song.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

 written by Christopher

 Monday November 11th 

 2013.

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Humourous Rhyming Haiku About The Unicorn

November 8, 2013 at 4:30 pm (Poetry) (, , , )

A horse with a horn

more pretty than foot with corn

this the Unicorn

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Pan Goatee’s Torture Test

November 7, 2013 at 8:49 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Torture Test

 

 

 

Serial killer and hired U. S. government assassin Pan Goatee was asked by high-ranking officials at the NSA to astral project to Pakistan to interrogate a Taliban official  Shaheen Fazlullah  who had been captured by CIA officials in Pakistan.

 

Pan Goatee’s past experience had actually been quick decapitations and quick bodily dismemberments.

 

He had never really done a slow torturous death before.

 

 

But he was given a book to read called How To Apply A Slow Torturous Death written by one Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

 

 

 

In addition he also watched a video where Rob Ford the Mayor of the City of Toronto, Ontario, Canada threatened to kill someone before poking out his eyes and ripping out their throat first.

 

 

 

With these delightful lessons behind him, Pan Goatee astral projected to Pakistan.

 

 

 

 

                       .          .            .

 

 

 

 

 

Pan Goatee was greeted by the CIA agent in charge of the operation Bob Belfor.

 

 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Belfor,”  Pan Goatee shook his hand, “what did you do for the Agency before capturing Taliban scumbags?”.

 

 

“I worked in property restoration,”  Bob Belfor answered, “if a home or business suffered a flood or fire or some other form of disaster or calamity, me and the boys went in and fixed everything up.  Quite literally fixed everything up.  We put in listening devices in that particular home or business.”

 

 

 

“Sounds great,” Pan Goatee smiled.

 

 

“Here ‘s the prisoner,”  Bob Belfor introduced him to the man in chains.

 

 

“So you’re Shaheen Fazlullah,”  Pan Goatee smiled,  “anyone ever tell you that’s kind of a stupid sounding name?”.

 

 

 

“Drop dead, pig,” Shaheen tried to spit in Pan’s face but the satyr assassin ducked.

 

 

 

“You know speaking of pigs,”  Pan Goatee smiled,  “I’ve got some boiling hot pig fat to rub all over your body.”

 

 

As Bob Belfor took a spoon and rubbed boiling hot pig fat all over Shaheen’s body , Pan Goatee asked, “Didn’t your Prophet, curses and damnation be upon him, forbid contact with pork?”.

 

 

 

Pan Goatee took a steaming hot slice of pork and wrapped it around the man’s genitals.  He followed this by wrapping pita bread around the slice of pork and the man’s genitals and then taking a knife and cutting it off.

 

 

He then ate it- slice of pork, separated genitals, pita bread and all.

 

 

“What a delicious donair,”  Pan Goatee belched.

 

 

 

 Bob Belfor laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Thursday November 7th

   2013

 

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The 1-800 Obamacare Number

November 6, 2013 at 8:04 pm (Commentary, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The 1-800 Obamacare Number

 

 

 

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon are watching a U. S. government public service ad on American television via satellite in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

 

 

It was U.S. President Barack Obama doing the ad.

 

 

“My fellow Americans,” President Obama smiled at the camera, “as you know an exciting new national health insurance plan is starting to emerge. Thus from Alaska to Florida… and from Kenya to Maine… I mean… from Hawaii to Maine… we’ve got you covered.”

 

President Obama continued, “They call this new program Obamacare.  And I do care.  Just call the 1-800 number below at the bottom of your screen and you’ll see how much I care…”

 

 

President Obama flashes a big grin at the camera.

 

 

“Do those last numbers after 1-800 spell out the words that I think they do?” Amadeus asked Renfield.

 

“They do,” Renfield replied as he ate some popcorn.

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Wednesday November 6th

  2013

 

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Rhyming Haiku About Guy Fawkes Day

November 5, 2013 at 6:33 pm (History, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

It’s Guy Fawkes Day

House of Commons still here 

so drink up your beer

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Magog’s New Mission Impossible

November 4, 2013 at 8:24 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was in his House of Commons office drinking from a bottle of brandy.

 

 

The phone rang.

 

 

It was German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

 

“Madame Chancellor,” Magog was shocked, “I hope you’re not calling from your mobile phone.”

 

 

“No, Herr Magog,” the Chancellor replied, “I’m calling from a secure line.”

 

“That’s good,” Magog wiped his brow.

 

“Have you checked your mail today?” Mrs. Merkel asked.

 

“Not yet,” Magog replied.

 

“Check and see if you’ve got something from a company called Odin Insurance in Munich,” the Chancellor directed.

 

Magog sifted through his mail.

 

“I do in fact,” Magog stated.

 

“Open it,” the Chancellor directed.

 

Inside was a handwritten note to U.S. President Barack Obama from the German Chancellor.

 

Magog read it and gulped.

 

“I take it being the curious snoop you are, you’ve read the message,” the Chancellor laughed.

 

Looking out the window of his office, Magog could see a curious cat touch a live electrical wire and then fall to the ground dead from electrocution.

 

“Well… um… ” Magog stammered.

 

“It’s all right, Magog,” the Chancellor laughed, “now I want you to go to Washington D. C.  and deliver that message in person to President Obama.”

 

“But why me?” Magog protested, “Why not one of your diplomats or a member of the Bundestag?”.

 

 

“Because they’re all under surveillance by the CIA,” the Chancellor explained, “but no one would bother to pay much attention to a drunken backbench Opposition politician who’s failed abysmally on 3 different peace missions to the Middle East.”

 

 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chancellor,” Magog took a sip from his bottle of brandy.

 

 

“You’re welcome, Magog,” the Chancellor replied, “will you do it?”.

 

 

“Call me crazy,” Magog noted the werewolf hairs starting to emerge on his human skin, “but I’ll do it.”

 

 

“That’s great,” the Chancellor sounded pleased, “now if you excuse me, I see I’ve got a call from Sarah Palin coming in on my mobile.”

 

 

“Sarah Palin?” Magog asked the

now empty receiver.

 

 

 

 

                        .           .           .

 

 

 

 

The NSA official doing the surveillance spilled tea and canned Alaskan salmon all over himself when he noticed the name coming up on the mobile.

 

 

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Monday November 4th

  2013

 

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Possible Canadian TV News Story In The Future

November 3, 2013 at 3:56 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Announcer:  In the news today, the Conservative government of Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that it is appointing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford to head a new agency that will oversee the regulation of the unregulated sector of Canada’s drug industry.

Senior civil servants have anonymously given the new position the unofficial title Canada’s Chief Drug Tester…

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CIA Front Working As Property Restoration Company In Canada

November 1, 2013 at 10:47 am (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

“You know when you go through the files that Edward Snowden leaked,” Renfield R. Renfield grinned at Amadeus Emanon, “you realize what a bunch of crooks the U.S. government actually are and how paranoid they are. Listening in to the political leaders of countries that are supposedly their allies and eavesdropping on ordinary citizens in those countries. And it’s amazing the lengths the CIA will go to eavesdrop. Like take the example of this CIA front mentioned in the Snowden documents that operates as a property restoration company in Canada.”

“Property restoration company?” Amadeus Emanon blinked.

“Yes it’s called Belfor Restoration- one of these companies that go in after a flood or fire or some sort of property damage takes place in a house or apartment or business and goes in and fixes things up.” Renfield said, “the only thing is Belfor Restoration adds something a little extra – listening and monitoring devices within the place of the people who hired them to do the work.”

“But surely people who’ve suffered flood or fire or whatever aren’t all terrorists,” Amadeus pointed out.

“Of course not,” Renfield acknowledged, “but you’re dealing with the government of a nation that’s increasingly paranoid and suspicious of everyone around the word. So the CIA and all its fronts have the same deranged paranoid mindset. Operating behind the facade of a property restoration company just so they can go in and plant listening and monitoring devices within ordinary people’s homes and businesses.”

“Wow,” Amadeus shook his head.

“I wonder if Calgary, Alberta, Canada will become George Orwell’s 1984 society for the 21st Century,” Renfield reflected.

“Why that place?” Amadeus asked.

“Well they had a massive flood take place this past summer,” Renfield pointed out, “not to mention flooding that hit other towns and cities in southern Alberta. If Belfor Restoration is hired by a whole bunch of people and insurance companies to do the restoration on their property, southern Alberta will become one vast CIA listening post.”

“Wow, terrifying,” Amadeus finished his glass of kool-aid and then checked it to make sure the glass wasn’t labelled Jonestown Guyana.

“Welcome to the 21st Century,” Renfield chuckled.

On the TV behind them, a commercial showed the All-Seeing Eye of Horus in its ad.

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Friday November 1st 2013

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