The Last Days of December

December 31, 2013 at 6:14 pm (Short Story) (, )

The Last Days of December

Sophie had enjoyed Christmas but it had been a hectic time.

She sighed.

The 13th year of this new century was now coming to a close and it seemed the years keep accelerating.

Her husband Francis looked at her.

He asked, “What are you thinking?”.

“Oh,” she smiled, “just wondering what dress I should wear to the New Year’s Eve party tomorrow.”

“I’m sure your taste will be impeccable as always,” Francis kissed her.

She looked at the reflection of herself in the mirror.

“I do wish we could go away on a long holiday,” she sighed.

“Well we’re certainly visiting a few places next year,” Francis smiled.

“All business trips though,” Sophie grimaced.

Francis scanned next year’s itinerary… hmm… that should be nice… hmmm… Sarajevo eh?

“Francis,” she finally said to him, “it seems the older I get, the more time flies by. Before I know it, we’ll both be dead.”

“There’s still plenty of life left for both of us,” Francis kissed her again,
“now let’s get ready to welcome in the New Year shall we? After all it’s not like our dying is going to start a world war or anything.”

“No, I suppose not,” Sophie laughed.

And with that Francis… or as he was called in his own Germanic tongue… Franz… left the room.

Franz… Franz Ferdinand… the ArchDuke Franz Ferdinand… heir to the throne of the Austro-Hungarian Empire left his wife Sophie the Duchess of Hohenberg to her thoughts.

The year was ending.

A new one was about to begin… 1914.

-A short story
written by Christopher
Monday December 30th

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Amadeus’ Dream About A Political Candidates’ Meeting

December 30, 2013 at 4:05 pm (Commentary, Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Amadeus’ Dream About A Political Candidates’ Meeting

Amadeus Emanon was asleep and dreaming that he was at a political candidates’ meeting.

The British Liberal Democratic Party were not running a candidate in the riding.

And the British Labour Party candidate was absent after coming down with acute laryngitis after a karaoke evening of trying to sing Beyonce songs with his baritone voice in a neighbourhood pub.

The only candidates present were the British Conservative Party candidate and Renfield R. Renfield representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party of which he was the founder and leader.

The meeting chairman called on the Conservative candidate to speak first.

“Well speaking as a Conservative candidate,” the Conservative candidate began, “I just droll on… and on… never letting anybody get a word in edgewise… until I froth at the mouth and fall over backwards…”

The Conservative Party candidate then proceeded to do just that.

As he was carried away on a stretcher into a waiting ambulance, the meeting chairman then called on Renfield to speak.

“Well speaking as a psychopathic hypersexualized serial womanizer,” Renfield began, “which a woman called me in a recent Facebook posting…”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 29th

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December 29, 2013 at 4:07 pm (Commentary, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing) (, , , )

If the Greek mythological character of Narcissis was a real person and alive in today’s world, he’d be in perpetual orgasm with all the selfies he could take on his smart phone.

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Yesterday And Today

December 27, 2013 at 4:04 pm (Commentary, Poetry) (, , , )

Yesterday and Today

Little Johnny had a dream
He went to school
and there was a new principal
A school assembly was held.
The new principal said,
“There’s yesterday’s world
and today’s world
And fast approaching on the horizon
is tomorrow’s world…
Yesterday we had many wise persons in the world
To whom we asked questions
and sought answers.
Yesterday we had many encyclopedias in the world.
Yesterday we had many leaders
in the world.
Today we have ONE wise person in the world to whom we ask questions and seek answers… Google.
Today we have ONE encyclopedia in the world… Wikipedia.
Today… well sadly…
But tomorrow we shall have ONE leader for the whole world…
The children in Johnny’s school shouted “Hail.”
And children all over the world shouted “Hail” in their own language
(in Germany they shouted Sieg Heil)…

… the echoes of voices of many yesterdays past seemed to fade away…

… voices that had once shouted…

… Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Fuhrer…

… they just faded away…

… or maybe they had merged with the new voices that shouted…

… ONE world…

… ONE humanity…

… ONE leader…

-A poem written by Christopher
Friday December 27th

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Christmas Day 2013

December 25, 2013 at 6:53 pm (Commentary, Poetry) (, , , )

Christmas Day 2013

It’s Christmas Day 2013
Gotta get out of bed
Eat one’s cereal
No that’s Rebecca Black’s crazy song
gotta open one’s Christmas presents
Rush grab the wrapped Christmas presents under the tree
Milk and cookies beside tree are gone
Santa must have ate them
Empty beer bottle as well
Santa must drink
Dad already up
With potato chips and dip and beer
Watching the first of 5 NBA Basketball games that will be played today
Mom up making the last of Christmas dinner
Everything must be eaten before Noon
Gotta rush downtown to the cineplex to see all the blockbuster movies opening today
Little boy and little girl will see movie about the making of Mary Poppins
Book-loving nerd big brother will see new movie based on life of Nelson Mandela
Game loving and Play Station loving big brother will see action flick about fire-breathing dragons and sorcery
Mom will see whatever romance movie is playing today
Big sister will meet up with girl friends and see whatever high school romance movie is playing today
Dad will stay home and watch all the NBA games playing today
So turkey and stuffing and mashed potato and gravy and dessert all wolfed down
And washed down with either fruit punch or egg nog
Then off to the movies for most of the family
Return home
Have some of the leftover turkey
Play with all the games and toys opened this morning
Then off to bed
Mom puts blankets over little boy
and kisses him good-night.
“Mommy, I have a question,” the little boy says.
“What’s that dear?” Mom asks.
“I overheard someone at school last week say that Christmas is actually the celebration of someone’s birthday. I didn’t catch the name…”

The little boy looked at her with his big questioning eyes,
“Mommy, whose birthday is it we’re supposed to be celebrating today?”.

-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday, December 25th
Christmas Day 2013.

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The Sports Car Convertible On The Day Before Christmas

December 24, 2013 at 4:38 pm (Commentary, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Sports Car Convertible On The Day Before Christmas

Vancouver- a city where a lot of people drive sports cars convertibles
You see them with their hoods down
beautiful, shining and gleaming
The drivers- alone or with a passenger
always seem to have the same expression on their faces,
“Look at me, look at what I’m driving, I’m King of the world”.
People who want everyone to notice them
People who are full of themselves

On this the Day before Christmas
I sit in a restaurant eating lunch
Looking out the window
I see a nice-looking open air convertible
for it’s a warm December 24th in Vancouver
It’s stopped at a traffic light
No one is walking around at this intersection
No one is passing by
So the driver must have the feeling that no one is around
No one is watching him
no one is observing him
He has no one to impress
So the look on his face
at this moment in time-
is an honest look
and this observer is surprised to see
a look of extreme loneliness.

So I guess in spite of what all the TV Commercials have been telling us for years
Driving a fancy sports car convertible
is not the key to happiness.

-A poem written by Christopher
The afternoon of Tuesday
December 24th

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The Revenge of Isis

December 19, 2013 at 5:37 pm (Commentary, History, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Revenge of Isis

The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis sat seething in a Parisienne sidewalk cafe.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was really starting to piss her off.

First, last December 21st, a Russian nuclear submarine had fired a laser death ray at the spaceship returning her brother, husband and lover Osiris to earth disintegrating both spaceship and Osiris.

Now she had a lot more pieces of Osiris to pick up and re-assemble together than she did the time Osiris was dismembered and cut up into 14 pieces by her brother, brother-in-law and enemy Set millenia ago.

A group of the world’s best particle physicists she had assembled to put Osiris together again.

But it was slow painstaking work.

They worked around the clock.

The night team of particle physicists were called All The King’s Horses.

And the day team of particle physicists were called All The King’s Men.

Osiris himself was designated by the U.S. Secret Service code name Humpty Dumpty according to the leaked Edward Snowden documents.

Now Putin was pissing her off again by arranging a financial bailout of Ukraine.

Putin’s puppet President of Ukraine Viktor Yanukovych had rejected EU integration and had received a financial bailout and cheaper Russian natural gas as a result.

By doing so, Ukraine was preventing her puppets from taking power, Isis thought as she angrily bit into an orange.

How dare Putin oppose her New World Order.

After all this had been something she and her exiled lover Osiris (Osiris had been exiled to the star system of Sirius by a black magic spell cast by their enemy Set- the black magic spell did have an expiry date- something that had been known to the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Hopi Indians but not the seer Nostradamus despite the claims of fictional History Channel programs)
had been planning for centuries.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 19th

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Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry

December 18, 2013 at 7:54 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Music, News, Satire, Songs, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry

Tired of seeing Ukrainians demonstrating in the streets of Kiev on BBC World News on TV, Renfield decided to go down to the Set Enterprises Lab and see if Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster could pick up another radio news transmission from the future on his lobster antennae.

As Renfield adjusted Michelangelo’s antennae much to the lobster’s discomfort, words came through on the computer loud speaker.

Michelangelo’s antennae were hooked up to wires on the computer which picked up the transmissions Michelangelo received.

This was the radio news story from the future that Michelangelo had picked up…

… “This just in. Tragedy has struck American singer Katy Perry on her recent African safari. While wearing a tiger’s eye necklace the singer was eaten by a lion while trying to roar at it.

The singer had spent weeks learning how to roar like a lion at a newly opened animal languages school in the South African township of Soweto.

Miss Perry had roared “I come in peace” according to her lion language teacher who accompanied her on the safari but the lion wasn’t impressed and ate her.

Nothing much is known about her lion language teacher who taught Miss Perry how to roar like a lion other than he has caused controversy in the past when he served as an interpreter for the deaf at the world leaders’ memorial service held for the late South African leader Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg.

According to a British veterinarian named Dolittle who was taking photos at the scene and claims to actually speak lion, he claimed the lion was walking around roaring “I ate a Yank and I liked it” afterwards.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 18th

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Haiku About Elvis Presley

December 16, 2013 at 5:23 pm (Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About Elvis Presley

Elvis’ blue suede shoes
at the end of lonely street
yeah they’re all shook up

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Renfield’s Musical Comedy Version of Hamlet

December 11, 2013 at 6:49 pm (Humour, Poetry, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Musical Comedy Version of Hamlet

Renfield R. Renfield had returned to London from the island of Bali.

In addition to posting a classified ad in The Times of London offering to teach Balinese dance to any interested parties, Renfield also decided to write a musical comedy version of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet because he thought the world needed one.

Renfield read to Amadeus what he had written so far.

There was the ghostly speech of Hamlet’s father which went thus:

“I am thy father’s spirit
Mark my word not jeer it
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
Now isn’t that a fright?
And for the day confined to fast in fires
And I ain’t talking funerary pyres
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away
and cannot be doused with nasal spray…”

And so added to the crime of Claudius murdering his brother King Hamlet was the crime of Renfield murdering one of the greatest ghostly speeches in the English language.

Mercifully Renfield had not yet come up with a musical comedy version of Hamlet’s To Be Or Not To Be speech.

Amadeus wiped his brow in thanksgiving.

Alas poor Polonius!

He was not so lucky.

In addition to stupidly hiding behind the curtain in Queen Gertrude’s chambers only to be slain by Hamlet, his last words would become immortalized in Renfieldian song,

“O, I am slain
isn’t that a pain?
Those clouds Hamlet pointed out to me
I don’t know if they’ll rain
because I am dying
my soul will soon be flying
and I have to bid the world adieu
because as you can see my life is through.”

Mercifully for Amadeus, the Polonius song was through as well.

Behold the fair Ophelia!

She wasn’t so lucky either.

Here was her swan song according to Renfield,

“I think I’ll go drown myself
throw my life off the shelf
Hamlet has slain my father
making me an orphaned daughter
He said, Get thee to a nunnery
when I’d prefer a Chinese bunnery
I love those steam pork buns
but now my nylons have the runs
ripped on all these flowers with thorns
puncturing my footly corns
so I throw myself into the stream
may I haunt Hamlet’s dream.”

“And so Hamlet’s dreams of Ophelia were now wet I take it?” Amadeus asked.

“Hey, that’s a good line,” Renfield grinned, “I think I’ll add it in somewhere.”

Amadeus had enough.

He decided to head upstairs to bed.

There are many stories of statues of Mary and the Saints shedding tears in the world.

But as Amadeus approached the staircase to walk upstairs, he did not notice the bust of Shakespeare shedding tears over the murder of his work.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday, December 11th

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