Renfield’s Musical Comedy Version of Hamlet

December 11, 2013 at 6:49 pm (Humour, Poetry, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Musical Comedy Version of Hamlet

Renfield R. Renfield had returned to London from the island of Bali.

In addition to posting a classified ad in The Times of London offering to teach Balinese dance to any interested parties, Renfield also decided to write a musical comedy version of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet because he thought the world needed one.

Renfield read to Amadeus what he had written so far.

There was the ghostly speech of Hamlet’s father which went thus:

“I am thy father’s spirit
Mark my word not jeer it
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
Now isn’t that a fright?
And for the day confined to fast in fires
And I ain’t talking funerary pyres
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away
and cannot be doused with nasal spray…”

And so added to the crime of Claudius murdering his brother King Hamlet was the crime of Renfield murdering one of the greatest ghostly speeches in the English language.

Mercifully Renfield had not yet come up with a musical comedy version of Hamlet’s To Be Or Not To Be speech.

Amadeus wiped his brow in thanksgiving.

Alas poor Polonius!

He was not so lucky.

In addition to stupidly hiding behind the curtain in Queen Gertrude’s chambers only to be slain by Hamlet, his last words would become immortalized in Renfieldian song,

“O, I am slain
isn’t that a pain?
Those clouds Hamlet pointed out to me
I don’t know if they’ll rain
because I am dying
my soul will soon be flying
and I have to bid the world adieu
because as you can see my life is through.”

Mercifully for Amadeus, the Polonius song was through as well.

Behold the fair Ophelia!

She wasn’t so lucky either.

Here was her swan song according to Renfield,

“I think I’ll go drown myself
throw my life off the shelf
Hamlet has slain my father
making me an orphaned daughter
He said, Get thee to a nunnery
when I’d prefer a Chinese bunnery
I love those steam pork buns
but now my nylons have the runs
ripped on all these flowers with thorns
puncturing my footly corns
so I throw myself into the stream
may I haunt Hamlet’s dream.”

“And so Hamlet’s dreams of Ophelia were now wet I take it?” Amadeus asked.

“Hey, that’s a good line,” Renfield grinned, “I think I’ll add it in somewhere.”

Amadeus had enough.

He decided to head upstairs to bed.

There are many stories of statues of Mary and the Saints shedding tears in the world.

But as Amadeus approached the staircase to walk upstairs, he did not notice the bust of Shakespeare shedding tears over the murder of his work.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday, December 11th

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