Pan Goatee On Ice

February 27, 2014 at 8:07 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee On Ice

Serial killer and hired U.S. government assassin Pan Goatee was on ice.

Quite literally on ice.

The genetically created half-man half-goat satyr got frozen in a fierce Washington D.C. snowstorm that had hit the city 2 weeks ago today.

He was immediately rushed to a DARPA lab where DARPA’s best scientists were still trying to thaw him out.

Pan Goatee was considered the U.S. government’s most important hired assassin since he had the ability to astral project himself and also kill people with his astral body using a Star Wars laser like astral machete.

Prior to his Deep Freeze, he had been experimenting with killing using astral body sub-machine guns.

Now orders had come down that Pan Goatee should astral project to Crimea and see how many Russians he could singlehandedly kill as a covert solution to the crisis in Ukraine.

Hence the need for the immediate thawing of Pan Goatee or as one executive in the CIA put it, “A post-Cold War solution for a hot conflict.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 27th

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Renfield Leaves Paris

February 26, 2014 at 7:02 pm (Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Leaves Paris

Renfield R. Renfield had a whirlwind past few days.

Last Saturday, Renfield had received a Presidential pardon from French President Francois Hollande for a crime he had committed.

The crime was cutting off a man’s ear.

The man it turned out was the most unpopular judge on the Parisienne Idol talent show.

Every singer that was first on his list was always last on every other judge’s list.

And every singer in last place on his list was always first on every other judge’s list.

So when Renfield was released from jail last Saturday, he received loud cheers and a hero’s welcome from crowds waiting outside the jail.

He was given free accommodation at the Westin Paris Vendome Hotel.

On Sunday, he was presented with keys to the City by the Mayor of Paris.

On Monday, members of the French National Assembly passed a motion that Renfield be awarded the French Legion of Honour Medal.

On Monday evening, the judge wearing a bandage on one side of his head gave results on the show that this time were about half-way in line with the thinking of the audience and the other judges.

On Tuesday evening, Renfield enjoyed an All Expenses Paid evening at the Paris Opera House.

When he returned to his hotel, a beautiful young woman from Normandy whom he had met once before (under less auspicious circumstances) was standing there dressed in Parisienne lingerie and black silk nylon stockings and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and carrying a Geiger counter.

She offered to sleep with him.

Renfield took her up on her offer.

Today Wednesday February 26th as he boarded the plane to return home to London, he received a military band send-off and a 21 gun salute from the French Army.

Renfield waved and blew kisses to the crowd before boarding the plane.

. . .

As Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan the butler and valet to billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set watched this whole spectacle unfold on BBC World News on television, Athelstan remarked to Amadeus, “It would appear sir that Mr. Renfield is the type of individual who could fall down an outhouse and come up smelling like a rose.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 26th

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Insight Can Come From Anywhere

February 25, 2014 at 5:35 pm (Commentary, Personal essays, Theology) (, , , , , , )

Insight Can Come From Anywhere

One can occasionally pick up insight from someone or somewhere that can give you new insight into an event or situation you never thought of before.

It’s extremely rare that one can pick up insight from someone’s Facebook status (in fact it’s extremely rare indeed).

But today it did happen.

A friend of mine had posted as her FB status, “Be careful when trying to fix a broken person, for you may cut yourself on their shattered pieces.”

When I first read this, the first thing that hit me was profound insight into an event in human history- in my opinion the most important event in human history.

I posted as my comment on this status,

“That quote of yours is very profound, Rez.
It’s probably the best explanation I’ve encountered of why Christ had so many wounds and stripes.
He was trying to fix the broken persons of all of humanity.”

As the Prophet Isaiah put it, “Surely He has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem Him stricken, smitten of God and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed.”
-Isaiah Chapter 53: 4-5

– A personal essay
written by Christopher
Tuesday, February 25th

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Amadeus Receives A Phone Call From Renfield

February 21, 2014 at 8:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Receives A Phone Call From Renfield

Amadeus Emanon was sitting in the study of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

The phone rang.

Amadeus picked it up.

It was Renfield calling from a jail in Paris as a French version of the old Elvis Presley song Jailhouse Rock played in the background.

“Amadeus,” said Renfield, “you know how to operate my iMac desktop don’t you?”.

“Yes,” Amadeus went over to Renfield’s desk in the study.

“Turn it on and go over to Photos in my desktop screen, ” Renfield said, “and type in search the keyword PoodleKraut.”

Amadeus did as Renfield requested.

“Okay open up all those photos that are under that heading,” Renfield directed.

Amadeus did so.

He then gasped.

“Okay,” Renfield’s smile seemed to come through his phone voice, “you should now be looking at a bunch of highly compromising and very embarrassing photos of French President Francois Hollande in various unusual positions with German Chancellor Angela Merkel amidst much French champagne and German Wiener Schnitzel on a bed in a mirror ceilinged bedroom.”

“I see them,” Amadeus said as his long-lasting childhood innocence was rapidly coming to a close by gazing at these photos.

“Okay, now I want you to email those photos to French President Francois Hollande’s personal email address,” Renfield gave him the address, “with the written instructions that unless he President Hollande grants an immediate Presidential pardon to one Renfield R. Renfield of the United Kingdom and has him released from jail immediately, those photos will be emailed to every newspaper in France within the next 24 hours. Got all that?”.

“Yes,” said Amadeus.

“Then do it,” Renfield ordered.

Amadeus said he would. He then put down the phone and went to the washroom where he lost his lunch (a direct result of viewing those photos) before proceeding with Renfield’s instructions.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 21st

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Where’s Renfield When You Really Need Him?

February 20, 2014 at 8:47 pm (Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Where’s Renfield When You Really Need Him?

Dr. Cadbury Rocher scratched his head and some more dandruff fell out.

Damn! he thought.

Maybe he should start using that American brand Head and Shoulders shampoo instead of that expensive French shampoo that smelled like lavender robed in the blooming garb of spring which his wife bought for him in upscale downtown London hair salons on the recommendation of male hairstylists who did perpetual Truman Capote voice impersonations.

Back to the matter at hand.

He had intercepted two Italian secret service agents Giuseppe and Antonio last night who were trying to steal DNA samples from the Set Enterprises Laboratories lab.

But he had no idea how to interrogate them.

Renfield R. Renfield who was the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises was in France where he had been swept away by the gale force rain and wind storms that had been attacking Britain this past winter.

He was now in Paris living out the lives of various great artists who had lived in that city.

Last night he had been Toulouse-Lautrec.

Today he was Vincent Van Gogh.

Feeling a bit squeamish about cutting off his own ear, Renfield decided to cut off the ear of someone else instead.

He was now in a Paris courtroom facing charges of aggravated assault.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 20th

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Renfield On The Champs-Élysées In Paris

February 19, 2014 at 8:08 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield On The Champs-Élysées In Paris

Having worked his way from the beaches of Normandy where he had landed in France, Renfield R. Renfield was now sitting in a cafe along the Champs-Élysées drinking cafe au lait and having oral surgery performed on a certain part of his anatomy by a tres belle Madame de le soir as he attempted to sketch a Toulouse-Lautrec like drawing of Parisienne nightlife sur la table.

Just then his iPhone went off at about the same time as he did.

It was Dr. Cadbury Rocher (the chief sanity challenged scientist at his boss’ Set Enterprises Laboratories) calling.

Apparently Julius the genetic hybrid T-Rex giraffe (he was mainly giraffe but he had a touch of prehistoric T-Rex dinosaur DNA which gave him ferocious razor like teeth) who was Set Enterprises Laboratories’ chief watch “dog” and security guard had screwed up badly on the job last night in a highly embarrassing incident involving Nabisco Barnum’s Animal Crackers.

Renfield went ballistic when Dr. Rocher explained what happened.

“You can tell that crazy giraffe who’s a walking advertisement for the benefits of prehistoric dentistry that if he ever pulls a stunt like that again,” Renfield foamed, “I’m going to send him to a Danish zoo.”

A ferocious roar that could be heard in the background suddenly turned into a whimper when Renfield shouted those last words into the phone.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 19th

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Haikus About Today’s Violent Crackdown In Ukraine

February 18, 2014 at 7:39 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Haikus About Today’s Violent Crackdown In Ukraine

The police storm camp
many killed as protests crushed
Maidan Square flows blood

Ukraine’s President
looks at himself in mirror
Stalin reflects back

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O Darkling Thrush

February 17, 2014 at 8:10 pm (Commentary, Literature, Personal essays, Poetry) (, , , )

O Darkling Thrush

O Darkling thrush is that your song I hear on Vancouver street
As snow hits U.S. east and Australia swelters in the heat
For four long years my life was spectre-grey
And winter’s dregs froze my heart away
Only tangled bine-stems lined the sky
And all hope seemed to die
The land’s sharp features really were a Century’s corpse outleant
As I wrote of truths long forgot in a world that worshipped the opulent
All around me was death’s dark canopy
how long would it be until he came for me?
The ancient pulse of germ and birth
choked from life my joy and mirth
And as waves crashed and thunder roared
And volcano rumbled from the earth’s core
These events of weeks past
of gale force wind and wintery blast
It seemed every spirit on earth was as ferverlous as I
It seemed sun would melt and earth would die.

But has that aged thrush frail, gaunt and small
landed among the Towers of Gloom so tall
and dared to sing his song of hope
in a world that cannot cope
Has he sung his happy good-night air
Some blessed hope whereof he knew
And I was unaware.
I pray God, ’tis so, ’tis so.

The Darkling Thrush by Thomas Hardy was my dad’s favourite poem. When my dad died from cancer four years ago, I had the poem Hardy’s The Darkling Thrush read aloud at my dad’s funeral in his honour.
Since that time, I had a nasty legal battle with my sister over my dad’s Estate, I was forced to move out of the only house I had known since childhood and in this time of severe trouble and misfortune, I did find out who my real friends were and I found out I didn’t have many.
So 14 months ago, I moved to a new city, Vancouver on Canada’s West Coast to begin my life anew.
And in that time, my dad’s Estate still wasn’t settled as the incompetent lawyer my well-meaning but business matters inept godfather the Executor hired to look after my dad’s Estate failed to do the proper paperwork and make government deadlines thus dragging out the matter for years.
Then a lying crooked property restoration company launched a claim against my dad’s Estate for work they never did.
Finally last week I finally received the Final Forms of Release Letters for my dad’s Estate.
Today I finally managed to find a Notary in Vancouver who charged a reasonable fee and not an arm and a leg for witnessing and notarizing the signing of those documents.
Hopefully now the song of the Darkling Thrush is now breaking forth in my life and I wrote the above poem in tribute to my dad’s favourite poem The Darkling Thrush by Thomas Hardy.

-written by Christopher
Monday February 17th

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Renfield’s Attempted Post-Valentine’s Day Invasion of Normandy

February 15, 2014 at 8:45 pm (History, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield’s Attempted Post-Valentine’s Day Invasion of Normandy

“Monsieur, Monsieur, are you all right?” the beautiful blonde French woman in the long flowing peasant dress shook Renfield as he lay on the beach.

“Where am I?” Renfield asked as he came to.

“The beaches of Normandy, Monsieur,” the French woman replied.

“Good God,” the Nietzschean inclined atheist shapeshifting hamster/human exclaimed blasphemously from his philosophical viewpoint, “that typhoon must have swept me from the boss’ mansion down to the River Thames and then down the River Thames to the English Channel and then across the English Channel to the beaches of Normandy.”

“I suppose, Monsieur,” the French woman gently caressed his head.

“And so, like the Allied Forces 70 years ago this year, I have landed on the beaches of Normandy,” Renfield got to his feet with some help from the beautiful French woman.

“Yes, Monsieur,” the French woman replied.

“Do you need to be liberated, Mademoiselle?” Renfield asked the French girl.

“Liberated from what, Monsieur?” the French girl asked.

“From your virginity perhaps?” Renfield grinned.

The French girl hit him over the head with her Geiger counter and then continued down the beach.

“Just thought I’d ask,” Renfield called out after her as he once again lay on the sands of the beaches of Normandy.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 15th

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Weird Weather All Over The World

February 13, 2014 at 7:13 pm (Commentary, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Weird Weather All Over The World

Pan Goatee was walking down the streets of Washington DC reading a book on Renaissance art that he had recently purchased at the Smithsonian Bookshop when suddenly a foot of snow fell on top of him.

“Oh shit,” Pan said to himself.

He was too frozen to be able to concentrate to astral project his astral self to go for help.

. . .

The ancient Middle Eastern god Moloch was too busy smiling to care what the weather was like in Brussels.

The Belgian Parliament had just passed a law legalizing euthanasia for children.

The fierce-looking god walked the streets of Brussels singing the lyrics of that old Louis Armstrong song, “And I think to myself what a wonderful world…”

. . .

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley tired of constantly turning into a werewolf on the streets of London not to mention his howlingly successful colossal failures in the field of international diplomacy decided to give himself a much needed rest by doing a little ice fishing in the streams of his native Wales.

As he reeled in plenty of ice but little fish on his rod, the lycanthropic Marxist inclined far Leftist parliamentarian was suddenly hit by a hurricane force wind that came at him out of right field.

As Magog blew down the stream, he said aloud, “I think this is how Sherlock Holmes met his end in the Conan Doyle story The Final Problem wasn’t it?”.

“Not at all,” a Welsh shepherd calmly smoking his pipe against a tree remarked as Magog blew by, “that happened at Reichenbach Falls in the northern Swiss Alps not a stream in Wales. And he died- only to return again in The Return of Sherlock Holmes- while battling the evil Prof. Moriarty not stupidly being out in weather that neither man nor beast should be out in.”

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield was about to head out the door of his home which was his employer the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion when Amadeus Emanon his co-employee asked him, “Aren’t you afraid to go out in this weather with all the weather warnings that the Weather Office has issued?”.

“Not at all,” the shapeshifting hamster/human guffawed with glamorous glee, “that nasty weather isn’t going to hit London.”

No sooner had Renfield stepped outside and closed the door behind him, he was then immediately hit by a full-scale typhoon.

“Holy shit,” Renfield cried out before being swept away.

“Do you suppose Renfield is having a bowel movement in Holy Water?” Amadeus asked Set’s butler and valet Athelstan after he heard Renfield’s cry.

. . .

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 13th

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