Haiku About The 100th Anniversary of The Assassination of The ArchDuke Franz Ferdinand and His Wife Sophie
Haiku About The 100th Anniversary of The Assassination of The ArchDuke Franz Ferdinand and His Wife Sophie
Sarajevo shots
ring out kill Archduke and wife
leads to World War I
Amadeus To Fly Through Spain
Amadeus To Fly Through Spain
There were many times, Renfield R. Renfield had observed, when the genetically cloned concert pianist Amadeus Emanon seemed to have the mind of a child.
Today was one of them.
“What are you looking so apprehensive about?” Renfield asked Amadeus.
“The Boss asked me to accompany him on a short business trip,” Amadeus answered.
“So?” Renfield shrugged.
“We’re going to be flying through Spain,” Amadeus sighed.
“What’s the matter with flying through Spain?” Renfield asked as he continued to sketch his drawing of soccer player Luis Suarez lying on a couch in psychiatrist Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s office.
“Well according to that movie we watched last night,” Amadeus answered, “the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.”
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 25th
2014.
Just Another Day In The Wild West: A Poem
Just Another Day In The Wild West: A Poem
He rode on a horse this man with no name
just a stranger not looking for fame
he rode into town
wearing a frown
this man who shot a circus clown.
Barnum said a sucker was born every minute
but he would not be cuckolded and take it.
He found the carnival clown in bed with his wife
so he shot him with a gun ending his life.
For murder they hang a man
so he got on his horse and ran
so he rode and rode
passing many a toad
this desert had many
and much sand a’ plenty.
He saw the sign for the town
as his horse sniffed the ground
so he headed that way
to get him some hay.
He looked around for signs of the livery stable
this stranger who was a living fable
The gunslinger who had shot and killed a circus clown
and did it while the poor snook’s pants were down.
The town appeared deserted as he rode along
not even in the saloon was there wine or song
where was everyone?
wondered this son of a gun.
Everyone was hiding behind closed doors
lying down crouched to their floors
for if this man could easily kill a circus performer
then he could easily kill you, Gramps and Uncle Homer.
There was only one man out on the streets
Wild Bill Hickok eating some sweets
Now Wild Bill had been particularly fond of this clown
he gave candied apples to the kids in this town.
As the stranger approached him, Wild Bill said,
“You be the fellow who shot the clown dead?”.
“Why?” The stranger spit into the wind, “is there a price on my head?”.
Wild Bill emptied his gun and filled him full of lead.
They buried the stranger on the outskirts of town
his epitaph read, He made death of a clown.
-A narrative poem
written by Christopher
Saturday June 21st
2014.
Haiku About A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Haiku About A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Bottom becomes ass
Puck wreaks havoc all night long
A midsummer’s night
Haiku About Night Before Summer Solstice
Haiku About Night Before Summer Solstice
The sunlight reflects
on the waters of the Bay
solstice approaches
Haikus About 2014 South Korea-Russia World Cup Match
Haikus About 2014 South Korea- Russia World Cup Match
When World War II ends
Stalin takes Korea north
38th parallel
South Korea scores
against Russia 38th goal
of World Cup series
Sent from my iPhone
Slenderman Commercial For Weight Loss Clinics
Slenderman Commercial For Weight Loss Clinics
“What are you looking so pleased about?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield.
“Some big Madison Avenue advertising agency in New York City
is having a competition for who can come up with the best TV commercial advertising weight loss clinics for men,” Renfield grinned, “so I just designed one using my computer graphic and animation skills.”
Renfield then showed Amadeus the commercial on his iMac.
. . .
Standing there was a very tall extremely thin man wearing a black suit and a cartoon blank face.
“Hi there,” the figure introduced himself, “I’m Slenderman. I don’t usually say much… in fact I usually say nothing at all. But you sitting there like the fat slob on the couch that you are has inspired me to say this…
“Get off the couch, fatso. Yeah, I’m talking to you. The one eating his 13th bucket of KFC this hour. The one swallowing his 13th Big Mac this minute. The one inhaling his 13th box of Reese’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups this second.
You’re a disgusting obnoxious fat slob. You’re more blob than man. When was the last time you had a date, fatso? In fact, when was the last time you had sex?
You couldn’t have a woman snuggle up next to you on the couch because you take up the entire couch you disgusting fat pig.
While you’re busy stuffing your fat face, thousands of teen-aged girls are dying from anorexia.
Or better yet, girls are killing for me.
How many females would kill for you, you fat-assed ton of lard?
I could count by the number of toes on Oscar Pistorius’ feet how many females would kill for you.
Zilch.
Nada-nada.
A big fat zero.
Like yourself.
A big fat nothing.
So get off the couch.
Stop stuffing your face like a camel on Prozac.
Get out.
Exercise.
And join the Manly Loss Weight Loss Program.
There’s a Manly Loss Weight Loss Clinic near you.
All you’ve got to lose are your pounds.
And I’m not talking about being mugged over in England.
So become a man.
Become slender.
Become… Slenderman.
The type of guy that females will not only die for… but will be willing to kill for.”
. . .
Amadeus said nothing.
But considering the type of society that America had become today, he thought to himself, Renfield’s commercial might just win the competition.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 13th
2014.
Special Guest In Tel Aviv
Special Guest In Tel Aviv
The Controller of The Golem waited at the Tel Aviv International Airport for a special guest to arrive by plane.
The guest had originally been flown to a secret military base in Israel and then transferred to a civilian plane.
The special guest was Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak who had been held prisoner in an FSB interrogation center in Moscow for over a month.
The Controller of the Golem had discovered that Miss Huculak had held information that was of vital importance to Israel’s national security vis-a-vis Russia’s intentions for the Middle East.
So Israeli commandos had flown to Russia in the Israeli Air Force’s most advanced plane (one that was able to evade all forms of radar detection) and had stormed the FSB interrogation center (much to the surprise of FSB interrogators) and rescued Miss Huculak.
The Controller of The Golem was sure that Miss Huculak would find the Israelis to be much more amenable hosts to a Ukrainian national nationalist than Vladimir Putin’s Russians were.
. . .
When Russian President Vladimir Putin heard the news about Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak’s rescue by the Israelis, he pounded the table.
“Damn Jews!” He exclaimed as he sent his lox and cream cheese bagel back to Tevhe’s Delicatessen in Moscow for not having enough cream cheese on it.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 12th
2014.
Captain Jack Sparrow: A Poem
Captain Jack Sparrow: A Poem
He was not mummified dead like a Pharaoh
He was a pirate- this Captain Jack Sparrow
The wittiest pirate e’er to sail the Seven Seas
And as pirates go, he aims to please.
Vagabond, philosopher, adventurer he be
most at home on the Caribbean Sea
when he decided to give pirating a whirl
he took for his ship The Black Pearl.
When taking Aztec gold brought with it a curse
what happened to his crew was for the worse
A skeleton crew they be
doors they unlock with a skeleton key.
For Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner
their love would not be put on the back burner
even Davy Jones’ locker could not tear them apart
and Captain Jack found Davy Jones’ heart.
Captain Barbossa regains The Black Pearl
as everything starts to unfurl
at World’s End
driving ships around the bend.
And The Black Pearl becomes a ship in a bottle- that be the truth
but Jack has the map to the Fountain of Youth
Hector Barbossa now works for King George
but not the one whose troops the Yanks fought near Valley Forge
Barbossa has a weapon to peg
which he uses in place of his leg
And Blackbeard seeks the Fountain of Youth
whose waters he’d drink like a pleasant Vermouth
Blackbeard’s daughter Angelica is a woman scorned
Jack beware!- You’ve been forewarned
other women slapped you in the face
but this woman’s heart holds a special place.
With mermaid’s tears in the chalice,
Angelica lives
while her father Blackbeard dies, say what gives?
Captain Jack has pulled one of his tricks
so Edward Teach now crosses the River Styx.
And Angelica on an island Jack does place
where voodoo doll washes up devoid of grace.
There’s a sequel in the works- have no fear
no need like a mermaid to shed a tear
Captain Jack will be back
some woman’s heart will be black
and there will be another tale to tell
of sailing ships from Hell
and ocean waves that swell
and whatever you do!-
this much be true
don’t call him Jack-
he’s “Captain” Jack to you.
-A poem written
by Christopher
Tuesday June 10th
2014
inspired by the character
of Captain Jack Sparrow
and The Pirates of The Caribbean
films.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Renfield Writes A Justin Bieber Commercial For American Express
June 25, 2014 at 3:39 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Humour, News, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (Amadeus Emanon, American Express, American Express Card, American Express commercials, Justin Bieber, Renfield R. Renfield, TV commercials, vampire novel)
Renfield Writes A Justin Bieber Commercial For American Express
Renfield R. Renfield had recently developed a penchant for writing TV commercials and submitting them to Madison Avenue advertising agencies.
He announced to Amadeus Emanon that he had just written a commercial for the American Express card- one that would have Justin Bieber in it.
“Let’s hear it,” Amadeus sighed.
. . .
Justin Bieber smiled at the camera.
“Hi,” Justin grinned, “do you know me?”.
“Unless I’m wearing an orange jump suit and have numbers in front of me like in my Florida police mug shots, most people don’t recognize me.”
“That’s why I got one of these.”
Justin Bieber holds up an American Express card with his name Justin Bieber on it.
“The American Express card,” Justin Bieber flashed another wide smile, “don’t leave court ordered anger management classes without it.”
. . .
Amadeus sighed again.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 23rd
2014.
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