Pan Deux and The Scottish Independence Movement
Amadeus Emanon was reading an email from his friend Pan Deux.
Pan Deux was a genetically created half-man half-goat satyr who had been created by Set Enterprises.
Pan Deux was not the first satyr created by Set Enterprises.
He was the second.
Hence his last name Deux- French for two.
The first genetically created satyr made by Set Enterprises’ Chief Research Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had been Pan Goatee.
But due to Amadeus’ carelessness in reading and signing the wrong forms at the Set Enterprises’ Shipping and Receiving docks, Pan Goatee had ended up being sent out on the wrong lorry and after a highway accident had become irrevocably lost to Set Enterprises.
So Dr. Rocher had hastily created Pan Deux after the original Pan Goatee was lost.
Due to a miscalculation in DNA sequencing that Dr. Rocher had made, Pan Deux was unable to play Greek pan pipes like the original Pan Goatee.
Instead he played the Scottish bagpipes.
He also wore tartan kilts that seemed to accentuate his furry goat legs and hooves.
He also ate haggis.
Since Pan Deux also did not have the DNA of an abominable snowman yeti and homicidal death heavy metal singers in his genetic make-up like the original Pan Goatee, he was not a psychopathic serial killer like the former nor was he able to astral project like the yeti of the Himalayas or Pan Goatee.
Instead he made his living playing the bagpipes at weddings and funerals.
He was now playing the bagpipes at pro-independence rallies across Scotland as campaign bagpiper to William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Member of the Scottish Parliament (MSP) for the Eildon Hills.
Mr. Douglas was a member of the Scottish National Party (SNP) and was slated to become the first Foreign Affairs Minister for an independent Scotland should the Scots vote in favour of independence this coming September 18th 2014.
Pan Deux enjoyed campaigning with William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas.
He also enjoyed his wife Sangita Patel Douglas’ cooking.
She made a particularly good curried haggis.
Pan Deux urged Amadeus to come up to Scotland and try it.
Amadeus decided that he would do that.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 31st
2014.
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Haiku About Orson Welles’ Tragic Figure of Citizen Kane
World was his oyster
but he lost pearl of great price
his priceless Rosebud
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Renfield Hears Devastating News
Renfield R. Renfield was feeling really really depressed.
He had just found out that his favourite Japanese cartoon character Hello Kitty wasn’t really a cat.
To cure his depression, he decided to go down to Trafalgar Square and blow away pigeons with an Uzi sub machine gun.
While doing that, he unknowingly and inadvertently killed an ISIS terrorist who was plotting a terror attack in the square.
What a pity he hadn’t brought more ammunition he thought when he ran out of bullets.
Lord Nelson’s statue was probably sorry as well.
He went home wondering if he’d ever do anything that would win him a knighthood from the Queen.
He then sat at his computer and penned a nasty email to the creators of Hello Kitty in Japan.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 29th
2014.
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Renfield’s Direct Video Response To ISIS Beheading Video
U. S. Navy SEAL Commandos had seized and captured yet another ISIS fighter in Iraq.
He was once again handed over to Renfield R. Renfield to make yet another special Renfield video production to post to YouTube.
Renfield had already used one captured ISIS fighter to post on YouTube his own personally signatured response to the Ice Bucket Challenge that was the latest fad and trend that was all the rage on all the social networking sites.
Renfield decided to do a beheading video of his own and post it to YouTube as his video response to the ISIS beheading video of James Foley.
For this particular video, Renfield thought it would be cool to dress like a ninja.
So he was dressed like a hooded and masked ninja holding a samurai sword.
The ISIS prisoner (who had his hands cuffed behind his back and was down on his knees) wore a pink mini dress, very bright pink silk nylons, gold dust sprinkled bright pink stiletto shoes and a pink wig.
The ISIS prisoner was filmed from all angles so his ISIS compatriots watching the video could get a good look at the drag queen he had been turned into.
Renfield then took off the ISIS fighter’s pink wig and showed his face to the camera so his ISIS compatriots could get a good visual ID of the man showing that he was indeed an ISIS comrade.
The video then showed a film clip of an interview with a professor of medieval Arabic at the University of Manchester who was a specialist in 7th Century Arabic dialects.
He said the verse translated in the Quran promising male believers 72 virgins in paradise should actually be translated “raisins”.
“Just to make sure you get your raisins where you’re going,” Renfield grinned at the camera, “we’re dispatching 72 raisins along with you.”
The video then showed a film clip of two male Beverly Hills hairdressers recently married in a California same-sex wedding ceremony sitting at a table counting out exactly 72 raisins from a bag of California raisins.
They then dropped the 72 raisins into a plastic bag and sealed it with a kiss.
“Especially for the ISIS fighter and martyr,” one of the men blew kisses at the camera before sipping from a pink daiquiri.
“And we have those raisins in the bag right here,” Renfield held up the plastic bag of raisins for the camera, “instead of Columbian coffee beans hand picked by Juan Valdez, we have California raisins hand picked by Beverly Hills hairdressers Harry Capote and Al Truman.”
A movie trailer for that old movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is then shown.
Renfield then starts up a chainsaw.
A group of dark- eyed virgins dressed in Middle East harem dresses and veils and wearing t-shirts that say FOR MI-6 EYES ONLY then went over and lifted up the ISIS fighter’s pink mini dress and pulled down his silk panties.
Renfield then took the chainsaw and cut off the ISIS fighter’s phallus.
“Now we pour honey on top,” Renfield poured honey out of a jar on top of the phallus.
“Next we add the 72 raisins,” Renfield using surgical gloved hands reached into the bag of raisins and sprinkled them on top of the honey-covered phallus.
Because of the honey, the raisins immediately stuck to the phallus.
“We don’t have any Ancient Greek drachma coins to put in your mouth to help you with your journey across the River Styx but we do have this,” Renfield then shoved the honey and 72 raisin covered phallus into the ISIS fighter’s mouth.
After showing this image to the camera, the video then went to a clip of the ISIS beheading video of James Foley.
The camera then panned in on the knife the ISIS beheader was holding.
A movie clip of Paul Hogan as Crocodile Dundee speaking his famous line “That’s not a knife” is then shown.
A long shot of Renfield as ninja holding his samurai sword behind the drag queen looking ISIS fighter with the phallus in his mouth.
Renfield then rips off the ISIS fighter’s pink wig.
The camera then pans in on Renfield’s samurai sword.
Another movie clip of Paul Hogan as Crocodile Dundee is then shown.
This time he speaks the line, “Now that’s a knife.”
Renfield then beheads the ISIS fighter with his samurai sword.
The credits are then shown as someone sings the song “My knife is bigger than your knife” in the background.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 28th
2014.
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Renfield’s Video For The Ice Bucket Challenge
Renfield R. Renfield decided to make his own video for the ice bucket challenge and post it to YouTube.
For the video, Renfield wore the mask, hat and cape of the Spanish Mexican freedom fighter Zorro.
He also wore a t-shirt that said KEEP CALM AND DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER ISIS.
Sitting next to the standing and dashing looking Zorro like Renfield was a British born and raised fighter for ISIS (the Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham).
The ISIS fighter had been seized and captured by a U.S. Navy SEALS Commando unit in Iraq.
He was then handed over to Renfield to do with as he pleased.
Renfield had been privately commissioned by the U.S. government to prepare a video in response to the James Foley beheading video posted by ISIS.
The ISIS fighter was dressed in a clown suit and tied to a chair.
His face was still clearly visible.
Although the man was dressed like a clown, his face had not been made to look like a clown.
Instead Renfield had left the face clearly visible for the man’s ISIS compatriots to recognize as the video was shown across the globe.
So the ISIS fighter was dressed in a clown suit and tied to a chair.
The man’s hands and feet were attached to wires that in turn were attached to a high-voltage electric battery.
Next to the man was a bucket of ice.
“Here’s my answer to the ice bucket challenge,” Renfield grinned.
He then poured the bucket of ice and water over the ISIS fighter’s head.
He then placed the bucket at the man’s feet.
The ISIS fighter found the whole thing to be quite a shocking experience and after convulsing in massive paroxysms, he quite literally kicked the bucket.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 26th
2014.
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Haiku About The 75th Anniversary of The Nazi-Soviet Pact
Seventy-five years
since Nazi-Soviet Pact
dark clouds face Poland
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Today is the 400th Anniversary of the death of the female Dracula- Countess Elizabeth Bathory of Hungary (August 7th 1560 – August 21st 1614).
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Renfield Puts Ad On eBay
The Russian Vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the Russian FSB was being held in an MI-6 owned building in central London.
Renfield R. Renfield had abducted the Russian Vampiress at stake point in an antique shop in Munich, Bavaria over a week ago.
MI-6 were interrogating the Russian Vampiress for detailed personal information about her boss Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Meanwhile the high-ranking elements within the British establishment who had hired Renfield R. Renfield to bump off Vladimir Putin had decided to put their assassination plans on hold for awhile for some reason.
In the meantime, Renfield was sifting through the antique Bavarian beer mugs he had taken from Miss Kireeva that she had purchased from the antique store prior to his abducting her.
Renfield decided to put the items up for sale on eBay.
As Russian President Vladimir Putin checked out eBay looking for antique Bavarian beer mugs, he happened to notice Renfield’s ad.
“Why,” the Russian leader cried out, “those are the very type of antique Bavarian beer mugs I’ve been looking for.”
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 18th
2014.
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The Hunter
The stranger walked through town.
The town was empty and desolate.
As empty and desolate as the vast desert behind him.
The sound of giant hoof beats could be heard behind him as he went through town.
He looked to the left.
No one there.
He looked to the right.
No one there.
He looked straight ahead.
No one there.
He stopped in his tracks.
The sound of the giant hoof beats behind him likewise fell silent.
He turned and looked behind him.
No one there.
The stranger who was called the Hunter continued on.
To the edge of town.
And again through desert.
To the next town…
… clomp… …clomp… …clomp…
… the sound of horse’s hooves…
…. The Hunter continued on….
… in search of prey….
… Human prey…
…. he arrived at the next town…
….but this was not a town in the old days of the American Wild West…
… it was a town in today’s contemporary Middle East…
…. Syria or Iraq…
… who knows?…
Borders seem to be fluid in today’s war-torn Middle East.
The Hunter was in search of fighters from IS (the Islamic State) the Islamist terrorist militia formerly known as ISIS (the Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham).
His mission: to kill as many IS fighters as possible.
Ahmed, the IS fighter who had been born and raised in Germany and who had left his family’s moderate mosque in his early 20s and joined the mosque of a radical imam and then heeded the call to join the new Caliphate of the emerging Islamic State, raised his head.
And then raised his gun.
He had heard the sound of horse’s hooves coming from outside the building he was in.
He looked out the window.
A giant shadow fell across the room he was in.
The ground seemed to rumble and the wall of the building around the window collapsed.
Ahmed the IS fighter from Germany tried to step back into the shadows.
Away from the gaze of the fierce looking horseman.
The horseman who was…
… well…
… just that…
…. a horseman…
The horse-man looking every inch the giant of a figure who had just walked off the pages of an illustrated book of Greek mythology raised his giant bow in the direction of Ahmed and drew back the string…
… and fired the arrow…
… the arrow that never missed its mark…
… for the Hunter never missed his mark…
… and Ahmed departed this world…
… and wondered where in Hell were the 72 dark-eyed virgins that were promised him?
. . .
U. S. President Barack Obama stood outside the cabinet meeting room in the White House where he was examining the shocking satellite photos of the Iraq-Syria border region being shown him by a deputy director of the CIA.
“Where the Hell did that centaur come from?” The President asked.
Inside the meeting room meanwhile, a heated debate was raging amongst the members of the President’s National Security Council.
“But,” a voice could be heard loudly protesting, “only a complete horse’s ass would want to go into Iraq and Syria these days.”
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 15th
2014.
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Haiku About Lauren Bacall
Bogey, class and style
yes she really had it all
Miss Lauren Bacall
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Dracul Van Helsing 
The 400th Anniversary of The Death of The Female Dracula
August 21, 2014 at 3:47 pm (Commentary, History, Horror, Vampire novel) (anniversaries, Countess Dracula, Countess Elizabeth Bathory of Hungary, Dracula)
Today is the 400th Anniversary of the death of the female Dracula- Countess Elizabeth Bathory of Hungary (August 7th 1560 – August 21st 1614).
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