The Kidnapping of Amadeus Emanon

September 30, 2014 at 6:38 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Kidnapping of Amadeus Emanon

Friday morning September 19th 2014-

William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Scottish National Party Member of the Scottish Parliament (MSP) for the Eildon Hills was having a bad week.

First he discovered that he was out of brown sugar to put on his porridge this morning.

He could not eat porridge without brown sugar so he put it outside in a bowl for his dog to eat.

But it turned out that his Shetland collie would not eat porridge without brown sugar either.

So the bowl was left untouched.

Finally a couple of live vultures who were brought in to advertise Cumberland’s Butcher Shop in a nearby village came down and ate the porridge.

Then his wife Sangita Patel Douglas wasn’t speaking to him today because he didn’t have a second helping of her curried haggis at dinner last night (he had other things on his mind at the time).

Finally the pro-independence Yes Scotland side for which he had been vigorously campaigning for the past 2 years (and all his life before that) had lost the September 18th referendum.

He had just received an email from an American conspiracy theorist saying the Illuminati had committed massive fraud at the referendum ballot box because an independent Scotland would have threatened their unfolding New World Order.

He didn’t know what to think about that idea.

He’d have to ask Mel Gibson about it if he ever made another historical film set in Scotland.

Then of course on Wednesday September 17th (the day before the referendum) a house guest of his Amadeus Emanon had been kidnapped by ISIS terrorists when a group of skull face balaclava wearing masked men waving Islamic State flags and shouting “Allah Akbar” and other Arabic expressions with a very English accent broke into his home and kidnapped the gentle concert pianist.

They left a note behind after tying Mrs. Sangita Patel Douglas to a chair (she was in the house with Amadeus at the time while he William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas, his official bagpiper Pan Deux and another house guest the famous New Orleans songstress Angelique Dumont were out shopping for groceries) saying they were the warriors of the new rising Islamic State caliphate and demanded a payment of £10 million from the London-based Egyptian businessman Set the owner of the large multinational British research and development firm Set Enterprises as ransom for Amadeus’ safe return (Amadeus was employed by Set as a personal concert pianist).

So all in all, it had been a bad week for William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas.

As he reflected on this, his wife Sangita Patel Douglas approached to tell him that his tartan kilt had shrunk in today’s wash.

. . .

Monday September 22nd 2014-

It was an abandoned farmhouse in Cornwall not far from the famous Jamaica Inn of Daphne du Maurier fame.

A hooded and masked Renfield R. Renfield was leading a group of hooded and masked British commandos to the abandoned farmhouse to rescue his friend and fellow employee Amadeus Emanon who was being held hostage there by ISIS terrorists.

So wrote the BBC radio reporter on his lap top.

The same reporter who had been brought along on the mission.

He wasn’t allowed to report on it until the hostage had been rescued and was safe and the kidnappers captured and/or killed.

Renfield R. Renfield and the lead commandos were all wearing cameras on their heads so the raid could be recorded for posterity.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10…

… a loud explosion was heard and a heavy built commando kicked down the door of the farmhouse and threw in smoke grenades.

He stood aside and Renfield R. Renfield burst through the door with machine guns a-blazin’ to beat the band.

The band he was beating was Fleetwood Mac singing Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow being played through the headphones he was wearing.

The ISIS members who were not wearing their masks (since they were not in the process of filming a beheading video) looked extremely extremely shocked and surprised.

Within seconds, they were extremely extremely dead as well.

Covered in a mass of blood and bullets.

With no time to sweat or cry tears.

The farmhouse had an old LP record player which was playing a newly minted LP record for collectors called Barack Obama Singing Verses From The Quran.

The LP record was smashed and broken into pieces (no doubt on the orders of the only registered U. S. Democrat in the group).

. . .

“Ugly women should be required by law to wear paper bags over their heads when they go out in public.”

The line was a quotation from his new book The Profound Wit and Wisdom of Renfield R. Renfield.

“God, I never tire of being brilliant,” Renfield R. Renfield thought to himself, “to quote a quote that Raymond Red Reddington paraphrased from me on The Blacklist last season.”

The quote about intelligent new laws came to Renfield R. Renfield when he encountered a particularly pathetic repulsive ugly looking woman exiting an elevator he was about to enter.

So Renfield shot the ugly woman dead and proceeded to use the stairs (for he obviously could not use the now contaminated elevator that positively- or maybe negatively was the more apt word- reeked of ugliness).

Little did Renfield know that his fellow Set Enterprises genetically created hybrid Pan Goatee had felt the same way on a similar occasion in a building in Washington D.C.

On the radio, … “people are still talking about yesterday’s dramatic British commando rescue mission which freed London concert pianist Amadeus Emanon who was being held hostage by ISIS terrorists right here in our own land…”

Yes, he really should get a knighthood for this, Renfield thought humbly to himself after listening.

The radio went on, “… meanwhile New Orleans songstress and well-known West London theatre musical actress Angelique Dumont expressed surprise that the members of a London Arabic speaking theatre company and dramatic acting troupe should have been involved in Amadeus’ kidnapping. Said Miss Dumont…”

Voice of Angelique Dumont: I knew these men. They really were very peace-loving and tolerant. I’d never in a thousand and one nights dream that they would turn extremist and become fighters for ISIS.

Renfield frowned after listening to Angelique Dumont’s statement.

That might be a problem.

. . .

As Renfield went out for a walk to a hospital to visit his friend Amadeus Emanon who was recovering from shrapnel wounds he received when Renfield R. Renfield came bursting through the Cornwall abandoned farmhouse door with machine guns a-blazing to beat the band and bullets flying everywhere, he reflected back to the evening of Monday September 15th 2014 when he Renfield received a call from a Professor of Medieval Celtic Languages and Literature at Oxford University.

“Hello, Renfield?” Prof. Imhotep Notolkien asked.

“Professor, nice to hear from you,” Renfield bit into his tuna fish sandwich pleased as the punch he was drinking to think that such a distinguished academic and scholar would be phoning him.

“Um,” Prof. Notolkien cleared his parched for whiskey throat, “Amadeus hasn’t gone up to Scotland by any chance has he?”.

“You called to talk to Amadeus?” Renfield paused between bites of tuna fish sandwich as an overwhelming sense of disappointment started to set in.

“No, I was just curious as to whether Amadeus was currently in Scotland,” Prof. Notolkien took a sip from a bottle inside the box that was made up to look like an ancient rare book volume tome bearing the title The Elixir of Life.

“As a matter of fact, he just left for Scotland tonight,” now the genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human was starting to feel curious like a cat himself, “why do you ask ?”

“It’s just that I’ve been reading some ancient Scottish Gaelic prophecies written in poetic quatrains,” the Professor finished the bottle and started looking around for the next volume of his 12-volume series on The Elixir of Life.

“Oh yes? Gaelic huh?” Renfield added some black olives and feta cheese to his next tuna fish sandwich, “that would be all Greek to me.”

“Anyways,” Prof. Notolkien uncorked and sampled the content of Vol. II of the 12-volume series The Elixir of Life, ” reading these prophecies, I’ve reached the conclusion that they refer to your friend Amadeus Emanon and they seem to indicate that should this individual be in Scotland at the time the Scots are deciding whether or not to be free of English rule, the Scots will choose independence.”

“Really?” Renfield paused and put his tuna fish sandwich down- a sure sign that he was troubled

“Yes, indeed,” Prof. Notolkien hurriedly absorbed the subject matter of Vol. III- XI of his 12-Volume series on The Elixir of Life.

For the day before the Professor had cracked the Robbie Burns Code hidden within the pages of the old Gaelic quatrains, he had rather foolishly bet £10,000 through a London betting shop that the Scots would vote no to Independence.

“This is even more disturbing in light of the email I received from Amadeus after his train crossed the border into Scotland tonight,” Renfield went into the kitchen to start looking for his own bottle of brandy.

“What email was that?” Prof. Imhotep Notolkien asked as his mind imbibed the last drop of wisdom flowing from the words of Vol. XII of his 12-volume series The Elixir of Life.

“Well,” Renfield opened the bottle of brandy, “after the train crossed the border into Scotland, Amadeus said he looked out the window and saw a bunch of Scottish pixies- fairy maidens with wild dark hair and huge green eyes- singing and dancing in the glen.”

“And what song were they singing?” Prof. Notolkien asked as he gazed longingly at a huge empty space in the bookshelf of his study and couldn’t believe that he had finished all 12 volumes of The Elixir of Life within the space of 10 minutes.

“Well,” Renfield polished off his own bottle of brandy, “they were singing…

When Amadeus comes to Scotland, then sing and dance with glee,
for then after many centuries shall Scotland be finally free.”

“Oh shit,” said Prof. Notolkien and he did just that in his pants.

“Not good,” Renfield agreed for a lot of his own boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s investments depended on a UNITED Kingdom.

Prof. Notolkien touched the huge empty space on the bookshelf of his study and then collapsed to the floor amidst the scattered and discarded pages of his 12-volume set of The Elixir of Life.

“Who was it that said 13 was an unlucky number?” Prof. Notolkien sighed before fading off into unconsciousness.

. . .

When Renfield put the phone down that evening of Monday September 15th 2014, he looked around for another bottle of brandy in the kitchen and not finding any, he cursed and went back to the study.

He sat down at his iMac desktop computer and looked at the rewrite of the Tennessee Williams play Cat On A Hot Tin Roof that he had been working on prior to receiving the phone call from Prof. Imhotep Notolkien.

Renfield had been working on a 21st Century version of Tennessee Williams’ play Cat On A Hot Tin Roof that he called Pussy On A Male ISIS Fighter.

Instead of a character called Big Daddy, there was a character called Tiny al-Baghdadi who for some reason always carried a huge dildo in his hand with him all the time.

But now back to the problem at hand- which wasn’t the same problem that Tiny al-Baghdadi had.

How to get Amadeus out of Scotland before the Scots independence vote was held?

Amadeus wouldn’t leave willingly as he had been eagerly anticipating this trip to Scotland to see his friend Pan Deux.

A fake kidnapping Renfield thought.

He grinned.

And who better to frame for the kidnapping than ISIS the group of egotistical morons (with absolutely nothing whatsoever to be egotistical about) who actually thought that they were better beheaders than he Renfield R. Renfield was?

Their boss Set had billions so the motive for the alleged kidnapping would be ransom of course.

He would have to move quickly as the referendum day of Thursday September 18th was coming up fast.

Let’s see, he checked Amadeus’s Scottish itinerary on his computer.

Tuesday September 16th- Amadeus would be attending a Saint Ninian’s Day debate on Scottish independence in Edinburgh between William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Scottish National Party Member of the Scottish Parliament for the Eildon Hills and Welsh werewolf (Renfield was one of the few people who knew that the parliamentarian from Wales was a werewolf) British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley.

He couldn’t strike then Renfield thought to himself.

There would be too many people attending.

Wednesday September 17th- William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas would be giving speeches at schools in Jedburgh and Melrose which Amadeus would be attending.

William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas would then be returning home to his huge colossal house near the Eildon Hills.

It would probably be considered bad form and improper etiquette to kidnap someone at a school.

After all, Renfield reflected, he was a civilized Brit not a Boko Haram savage.

No, best to snatch Amadeus that evening of the 17th when he was in the Douglas home.

Renfield would lead the kidnapping- in disguise of course.

To make it look authentic- all the earmarks of an ISIS kidnapping- he would of course need some real Arabs- men who could speak Arabic and shout expressions from the Quran.

Renfield knew the director who was also the lead actor of an Arabic speaking live theatre company in London.

Their regular theatre season didn’t start until mid-October so they’d be available.

Renfield would tell the Arabic theatre company director when he phoned him that the kidnapping was all part of a prank to take Amadeus down to Cornwall for a surprise birthday party (Cornwall was a long enough distance away from Scotland so that Amadeus wouldn’t be anywhere near Scotland come the day of the independence referendum).

Amadeus would be held at an abandoned farmhouse in Cornwall (not far from the famous Jamaica Inn of Daphne du Maurier fame) that Renfield used to sell smuggled bootleg liquor from South Africa ( an acquaintance of his in Port Elizabeth South Africa made the best home-brewed bootleg liquor in the world).

Of course there would be no real guns used in the kidnapping Renfield told the peaceful director and lead actor of the London Arabic speaking theatre company when he phoned him.

Of course Renfield did not mention that there would be real guns used in the commando style rescue operation that he would lead (which would be the real surprise not the surprise party or Katy Perry jumping out of a birthday cake like he told the theatre company director) that would turn him Renfield R. Renfield into a national hero to say nothing of becoming a prized candidate for a potential knighthood from the Queen.

After talking to the theatre director who agreed to do the whole thing, Renfield then called the box office of the theatre and cancelled his subscription to the upcoming season in order to get his money back before the cancellation deadline.

As he knew the upcoming season would be cancelled due to the lack of live performers to perform the live Arabic speaking plays.

. . .

Wednesday September 17-

The kidnapping of Amadeus Emanon had gone off without a hitch.

William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas, Pan Deux and Angelique Dumont were leaving in a car just as the van marked Polar Bear Plumbing and Heating (which carried the masked Renfield and the masked Arabic speaking actors in what would be their final performance which was playing the role of ISIS terrorists) pulled into the driveway.

That’s good, Renfield thought to himself, the less bodies around, the less chance of real bodies being around.

When the car drove off into the distance, Renfield and the Arabic actors burst through the front door of the house.

There sitting at the piano in the living room was Amadeus playing A Rhapsody In Blue.

And there doing housework while wearing an attractive lilac coloured silk lace lingerie nightgown was Sangita Patel Douglas the lovely and breathtakingly beautiful wife of William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas.

Renfield was starting to seriously wonder about Amadeus.

What was he doing sitting at the piano playing A Rhapsody In Blue while he was alone in the same house as Sangita Patel Douglas who was wearing only a silk lace lingerie nightie?

If Renfield had been Amadeus, he’d have been in the bedroom with Sangita performing a duet version of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony or Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.

As it was, the masked Renfield decided to tie Sangita to a chair in a performance reminiscent of a bondage scene he had watched being shot at the pornographic film studios he owned in Southern California.

The Arabic speaking actors in the meantime had taken Amadeus into the van marked Polar Bear Plumbing and Heating.

The masked Renfield then gave the tied and bound Sangita Patel Douglas a passionate kiss on her masking tape covered lips before exiting the house.

He then left the house, entered the van and drove off.

He stopped off in the town of Jedburgh to buy some Scottish scones before crossing the border into England.

His next stop was The Lord Burghley Pub in the Lincolnshire town of Stamford where he bought a dozen steak and kidney pies.

He then picked up various goodies at various towns and cities along the way before finally reaching the county of Cornwall.

He then stopped off in a small Cornish village where he bought 3 dozen Cornish pasties.

They then reached the abandoned farmhouse where the masked Arabic actors carried the tied and bound Amadeus into the house while Renfield carried in a large box all the huge assortment of snacks that he had picked up along the way down from the Eildon Hills in Scotland.

When Renfield put the box down on the kitchen table, the actors were under the impression that Renfield was going to share with them.

They were very much mistaken.

When they reached into the box to help themselves, Renfield slapped their hands and in a voice reminiscent of Mr. Bean holding a giant sized carton of popcorn in a movie theatre said, “No! Mine!”.

. . .

Friday September 26th 2014-

The mysterious Park Avenue billionaire sat behind the black curtained screen overlooking the globe of the world in the living room of his exclusive penthouse suite at the top of an exclusive apartment building on New York’s Park Avenue.

In his clawed reptilian hand, he held a very dry martini.

He liked his martini stirred not shaken so that people would never mistake him for James Bond.

Holding the glass, he drank a solitary toast to the events of the past month.

His plan for the emerging New World Order was unfolding as it should.

As he hummed the melody of the early 1970s song Desiderata to himself, he recalled how the Scots had just rejected one of Mel Gibson’s biggest heroes William Wallace.

And soon the whole world would reject en masse the Man who was Mel Gibson’s biggest hero- that divine-human the Christ who suffered the Passion.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the time period
Friday September 19th
to
Friday September 26th
2014.

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Song About Mrs. Raymond Red Reddington of The Blacklist

September 25, 2014 at 11:32 pm (Entertainment, Music, Poetry, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Songs, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Song About Mrs. Raymond Red Reddington of The Blacklist

On the exciting action-packed opening episode of the second season of The Blacklist that premiered earlier this week, it turned out that Mrs. Raymond Red Reddington is still alive.

To celebrate this occasion, I have written a song about Mrs. Reddington and her husband Raymond- you can call him Ray or you can call him Red.

Mrs. Reddington

(to the tune of Mrs. Robinson)

And here’s to you, Mrs. Reddington,
Raymond loves you more than you will know,
Whoa-ho-ho-ho
God bless you please, Mrs. Reddington
Heaven holds a place for those who pray,
especially those that know Ray
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We’d like to know a little bit about you for our files
for the one-armed hook guy who better not scratch his piles
Look around until all you see are sympathetic eyes
Don’t ask for human fingers with your fries.

Chorus refrain- the original first stanza of this song.

Hide it in the hiding place where no one ever goes,
the next thing to be lopped off might be your nose,
It’s a little secret just the Reddingtons’ affair
don’t let the house go up in flames of despair,
Most of all you’ve got to hide it from the kids
as smoke gets under your mascara eyelids.

Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo, Mrs. Reddington
Raymond loves you more than you will know etc.
the next lines of the choral refrain first verse.

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon
as hookman’s chainsaw starts up a new tune
Laugh about it, shout about it
When you’ve got to choose
Every way you look at this you lose.

Where have you gone, Red Reddington,
Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you,
you could kick ISIS’ ass so blue,
What’s that you say, Mrs. Reddington?
Dashing Ray has left and gone away,
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
but he’ll be back another day.

-Christopher Van Helsing
(with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel)

-Thursday night, September 25th 2014.

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Intersection of Hemlock and Broadway

September 24, 2014 at 6:40 pm (Commentary, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing) (, , , , )

I came across an interesting intersection while out walking today.

The intersection was at the corner of Hemlock Street and Broadway Avenue.

Of course as soon as I saw the name of this intersection- Hemlock and Broadway- I immediately came up with my own fictional radio news headline,

“A pedestrian Socrates Ziegfeld died at the intersection of Hemlock and Broadway today. He met his final folly and drank his last cup of life while attempting to cross the street…”

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Denver Taco Truck Sold Meth and Cocaine

September 23, 2014 at 4:59 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Music, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing) (, , , , , , , , , )

Denver Taco Truck Sold Meth and Cocaine

Police in Denver Colorado have busted a drug ring that apparently sold meth and cocaine from a taco truck.

What gave it away was someone finally wondered why the taco truck kept playing that old John Denver song The Colorado Rocky Mountain High on its loudspeakers all the time.

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Amadeus Emanon and Pan Deux At A Saint Ninian’s Day Debate On Scottish Independence

September 17, 2014 at 6:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon and Pan Deux At A Saint Ninian’s Day Debate On Scottish Independence

“What’s in a name?” William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Scottish National Party Member of the Scottish Parliament (MSP) for The Eildon Hills asked his Scottish audience in Edinburgh at a Saint Ninian’s Day debate on Scottish independence.

Saint Ninian (360-432 AD) was the first Apostle of Christianity in Scotland.

William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas was of course speaking for the pro-independence Yes Scotland side of the Scottish independence debate.

His opponent on this occasion was Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who was a sitting Welsh member of the Westminster Parliament in London) who was speaking for the No side anti-independence UK Better Together movement.

“Scotland the Brave,” William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas shouted, “as the song title says. My fellow Scots, be brave as our forefathers who fought the tyrant Edward I of England were brave. Be brave as our forefathers who fought for Bonnie Prince Charlie at Culloden were brave. Be brave and vote yes to a free and independent Scotland this September 18th. Be brave as we know Scotland surely is. Scotland the Brave! Yes, Scotland.”

William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas left the stage with one fist raised in the air.

He received a standing ovation from his audience with the exception of the members of the Orange Order who sat on their hands.

Tears ran down the cheeks of the Orange Order members’ faces.

Not due to anything that William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas said.

They were still mourning the recent death of the Rev. Ian Paisley of Belfast, Northern Ireland.

The moderator of the debate then called on the man who would be championing the Orange Order’s cause this afternoon- the far-left hardline Marxist-Leninist British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley.

Magog went up the platform to the microphone.

He recognized a few people in the crowd.

Among the familiar faces was one Amadeus Emanon the personal concert pianist to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set whom he had met on a few occasions.

Another was Pan Deux a Scottish bagpiper who seemed to have really hairy almost goat like legs under his tartan kilt.

Pan Deux had been quite literally driven out of the City of London as his incessant bagpipe playing had kept most of the city awake at night.

As a result Pan Deux took the high road and went up to Scotland where his talents were far more appreciated and he had since embraced the Scottish independence movement.

As Magog continued to look around, he spotted Sangita Patel Douglas the lovely wife of his debate opponent William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas.

She looked resplendently beautiful and incredibly sexy in her lilac coloured blouse, short red tartan skirt, black silk fishnet pantyhose and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

Magog felt himself becoming sexually aroused which was a problem for the Welsh werewolf British Labour MP because every time he became sexually aroused, he turned into a werewolf.

The particular lycanthropy virus that he carried had this effect- he not only turned into a werewolf during the full moon but also whenever he became sexually aroused.

The antidote for the particular lycanthropy virus he had was buttermilk

If he drank buttermilk prior to a sexual encounter, he would not turn into a werewolf.

If he drank buttermilk if he unexpectedly became sexually aroused, this would also prevent his turning into a werewolf.

Alas he had not drank any buttermilk beforehand nor did there look to be buttermilk anywhere in the vicinity.

He must get a grip on himself he told himself.

Get himself under control he said to himself.

Stop thinking about sex he ordered his psyche.

“Well,” Magog began, “it’s as the Baptist couple who had sex while standing up said… ‘united we stand, divided we fall’… so too must Britain stand united…”

There were murmurings around the hall as he said this.

“Oh God,” the atheistic Marxist MP thought to himself, “what am I thinking?”.

He turned to look at Amadeus Emanon and as he did so, he suddenly noticed the New Orleans songstress Angelique Dumont sitting next to him.

She was wearing a stylish black evening dress slit up the side and ravishingly sexy red silk nylons.

“Oh dear,” Magog thought to himself.

He was a big fan of the New Orleans actress and singer who appeared in many West End London musicals that he attended just to see her.

Already he could feel the Lon Chaney Jr. Larry Talbot style whiskers appearing on his face and eating and drinking the last of his morning aftershave lotion.

He ran behind the curtain and started howling like a werewolf.

“Mr. Chairman,” William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas rose to his feet and addressed the debate moderator, “I really must protest this unusual behavior currently being displayed by my opponent the Honourable Member from Westminster. Such howling and snarling such as coming from backstage is definitely uncalled for. I’d hardly expect such beastly animalistic behavior coming from a Welshman. I’d expect such ghastly sass from a Sassanach but not a fellow Celt.”

“Do something,” Sangita Patel Douglas whispered to Pan Deux.

Pan Deux started playing his bagpipes to drown out the sound of the howling and baying at the absent moon coming from backstage.

Amadeus went up on stage and started singing that old Scottish song Donald, Where’s Your Troosers?

Unfortunately the only version he knew was his co-employee Renfield R. Renfield’s version which was even more colourful and risqué than the original:

“Oh, I went out on the Isle of Skye
I got goosed by a fruity guy
All the laddies say hello
Donald, where’s your troosers?

Let the wind blow high, let the wind blow low
Flashing my kilt along I go
Waving my dickie to all my friends
Donald, where’s your troosers?” .

Edinburgh police were called to quell the ensuing riot as the moderator and chairman declared the debate over and the meeting adjourned.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 16th
2014
The Feast Day of Saint Ninian

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Amadeus Emanon: Scotland Bound

September 15, 2014 at 7:20 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon: Scotland Bound

Amadeus Emanon was taking the night train from London to Edinburgh.

Accompanying him was his friend the New Orleans Vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont.

Hence the reason for taking the night train.

Amadeus Emanon was going to meet his friend Pan Deux who was the official campaign bagpiper to William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Scottish National Party Member of the Scottish Parliament (MSP) for the Eildon Hills in the pro-independence campaign for Scottish independence in the upcoming September 18th referendum.

Amadeus was going to accompany Pan Deux, William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas and the MSP’s lovely wife Sangita Patel Douglas at various campaign rallies in these final days of the referendum campaign.

As the train crossed the border from England into Scotland, Amadeus could hear the sound of beautiful gentle and melodious singing voices from outside the train.

He looked out the window and saw beautiful Scottish pixies dancing in the glen.

The lovely lassies of Scottish fairie folklore with their huge green eyes and masses of wild dark hair danced and sang,

When Amadeus comes to Scotland, then sing and dance with glee,
for then after many centuries shall Scotland be finally free.

The train engine seemed to sound a salute as it raced past.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 15th
2014.

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Ghosts Give Their Endorsements In Scottish Independence Referendum

September 13, 2014 at 7:21 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Politics, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing) (, , , , , , )

Ghosts Give Their Endorsements In Scottish Independence Referendum

The ghosts of William Wallace, Robert the Bruce, James the Black Douglas, Rob Roy and Bonnie Prince Charlie took a break from their heavenly harp playing to urge today’s Scots to vote for an independent Scotland.

On the other side, England’s King Edward I, King William of Orange and William Augustus the Duke of Cumberland screamed while roasting on their respective spits that Scots should vote against an independent Scotland, adding that a Yes vote would only add to their present agony.

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Diablos Nocturna At The NATO Summit In Newport Wales

September 12, 2014 at 7:47 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Diablos Nocturna At The NATO Summit In Newport Wales

The NATO Summit in Newport Wales was winding down.

Most of the world leaders had left.

And MI-6 agent Diablos Nocturna who had overseen security operations at the summit was watching the shutting down of the summit.

He saw Monica Dhaliwal his liaison with CSIS (the Canadian Security Intelligence Service) approach looking very attractive and stylish in her white blouse, blue jacket, tight blue skirt, black silk pantyhose and striking cerulean blue spiked stiletto high- heeled shoes.

She was definitely the reason he had enjoyed working this summit so much.

She flashed a warm smile as she stood face-to-face with him.

“So,” she flicked her hair back as she spoke, “how ever did you come up with the code name Diablos Nocturna – Devil of the Night?”.

“From medieval legends of the incubus,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“The male demon who slept with beautiful women in the night?” Monica Dhaliwal smiled again.

“The same,” Diablos Nocturna nodded.

“Say who was that woman who looked like the singer Rihanna and was dressed in a Dior red evening gown and hob nobbed with all the world leaders at all the summit dinners?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“That’s the Paris-based billionairess and Egyptian Vampiress Isis,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“Vampiress?” The female CSIS agent was shocked.

“Yes her brother, brother-in-law and arch-enemy the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set lives in London,” the MI-6 operative answered.

“So you mean there really are such things as vampires and vampiresses?” Monica Dhaliwal adjusted her skirt.

“There are indeed,” the MI-6 agent replied.

“In my university days,” Monica Dhaliwal began stroking her hair, “I’d heard talk of a legendary Canadian vampire hunter by the name of Dracul Van Helsing. Does he actually exist?”.

“He does,” Diablos Nocturna nodded, “I’ve heard of him.”

“This London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set,” the CSIS operative inquired, “does he have anything to do with Set Enterprises the British research and development firm that’s said to be engaged in secret and very controversial genetics experiments?”.

“Yes, he owns it,” Diablos Nocturna took note of a news channel helicopter in the distance, “you might also have heard of his controversial corporate Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering the notorious Renfield R. Renfield. He has quite the reputation in international espionage circles.”

“Renfield R. Renfield works for Set?” The CSIS agent had indeed heard of the ruthless and totally psychotic individual that Western intelligence agencies turned to as a last resort when it came to dealing with the vilest scum of the Earth.

There were rumours that The Blacklist TV series’ character of Raymond Red Reddington was actually modeled on Renfield R. Renfield.

“Yes he works for Set,” Diablos Nocturna answered.

The MI-6 agent invited the CSIS agent for a drink in a nearby Welsh pub.

As they approached the pub entrance from the street, Welsh werewolf (although most people didn’t know that he was a werewolf) British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley came rushing out of the pub.

“They don’t have any buttermilk in this pub,” Magog Rhys Petley gasped, “in fact, they don’t seem to have buttermilk anywhere in town.”

He went running down the street shouting, “Buttermilk. I need buttermilk.”

“Quite the eccentric character,” Monica Dhaliwal looked down the street after him.

“That was Magog Rhys Petley a Welsh Member of Parliament at Westminster,” Diablos Nocturna stated, “Obviously a man who enjoys his buttermilk.”

They entered the pub.

. . .

“So what was this Vampiress Isis doing talking to all those world leaders?” Monica Dhaliwal asked Diablos Nocturna after they sat down.

“She’s hoping to use NATO to destroy Vladimir Putin’s Russia,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“I see,” Monica Dhaliwal looked puzzled, “and why does she want to do that?”.

“Because it was a Russian nuclear submarine that used a laser death ray to disintegrate the spaceship that was returning her brother, husband and lover Osiris to Earth from the star system of Sirius back on December 21st 2012 and she’s vowed vengeance ever since,” the MI-6 operative replied.

“I see,” the CSIS operative felt she was in a dream.

“All part of a long-standing family feud that originated in Egypt millenia ago,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “when their brother Set cut up Osiris into 14 pieces and scattered the body parts throughout Egypt. Isis who was married to Osiris managed to find all the parts save one and put them back together again and using Egyptian magic managed to resurrect Osiris. But then Set managed to cast a Black Magic spell on Osiris transporting him and exiling him to a planet in the star system of Sirius. So Horus the son of Isis and Osiris who was also Set’s nephew buried Set alive in a tomb. Set’s tomb was then discovered and opened on November 11th 1918 at ironically enough exactly 1100 hours Greenwich time when the Armistice ending the First World War came into effect. Set fled the tomb after his sarcophagus lid was taken off and he’s been wreaking his havoc on the world ever since.”

“I see,” Monica Dhaliwal sipped her Chai tea (which she was surprised to see offered in a Welsh pub), “and how was it that Osiris returned to Earth on December 21st 2012?”.

“It was because of the Black Magic spell that Set cast on Osiris,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “for ancient Egyptian witchcraft Black Magic spells like most modern food and dairy products had an expiration date on it. And the expiration date for the spell exiling Osiris to the star system of Sirius ended December 21st 2012 on our calendar. It was an expiration date of which the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Hopi Indians were aware. Their prophecies about this event gave the History Channel a lot to talk about on its programs throughout most of the first 12 years of the 21st Century. For all intensive public purposes since nothing appeared to happen on December 21st 2012, they’ve scrambled to try to find a replacement and think that endless reruns of American Pickers will somehow capture the imagination of the television viewing public. If, like Isis, subscribers to the History Channel knew what really happened on December 21st 2012, they too would be calling for Vladimir Putin’s head on a silver platter.”

“So for Isis, all hopes of Osiris’ return have vanished into thin air like disintegrated particles from the after effects of a laser death ray?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“Yes, having one’s anatomical body parts reduced to the sub-atomic level is certainly more of a challenge to put back together again than just being cut up into 14 pieces,” Diablos Nocturna admitted, “but it so happened that leading Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius happened to be in the area of Vancouver’s English Bay at the time and happened to use a mirror and the sounds of the sea from a large sea shell he was holding to collect the disintegrated particles from the laser death ray explosion and put them into a working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider he had in his rowboat with him at the time.”

“So the particles of Osiris’ sub-atomic structure were gathered into Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius’ working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“Along with the sub-atomic particles of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl who was arriving in a space ship from Saturn’s moon Titan in the same vicinity at the same time and was likewise disintegrated from the laser death ray fired by the Russian nuclear submarine that was illegally trespassing in Canadian coastal waters at the time,” Diablos Nocturna answered.

“Wow, I never heard about that in my History of War and Conflict Class at UBC,” said Monica Dhaliwal who was a recent graduate of the University of British Columbia prior to her recruitment by CSIS.

“Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper covered up the whole incident to prevent a possible war with Russia,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “and Harper’s NATO ally U.S. President Barack Obama is still working on a strategy to respond to the whole incident. He may come up with such a working strategy at the same time he finally comes up with a strategy against ISIS- that is the Islamist terrorist caliphate not the Paris-based billionairess Egyptian Vampiress.”

“So whatever became of the particles that were placed inside Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius’ model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider?” the CSIS agent asked.

“They’re now in the Vampiress Isis’ secret subterranean laboratory below Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris,” Diablos Nocturna replied, “although it’s not as secret as she thinks it is since MI-6 knows all about it. There Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius and a number of other of the world’s leading scientists are working to put the particles of Osiris back together again.”

“Why is the Vampiress Isis’ laboratory located beneath Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris?” Monica Dhaliwal inquired.

“It’s my understanding that Isis is a big fan of the late great British actor Charles Laughton,” the MI-6 agent answered, “and particularly enjoyed his 1939 film The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

“So are they having any success putting the particles of Osiris back together again?” The CSIS agent looked at the pattern in her cup of chai tea.

“Well according to a theoretical research paper written by a professor of particle physics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,” Diablos Nocturna put a little pepper on his dish of Welsh rarebit, “an ET gray’s laser death ray gun fired in reverse into the surrounding atmosphere might be able to put the particles back together again.”

“So all Isis has to do then is to get her hands on an ET gray’s laser death ray gun,” Monica Dhaliwal picked up her fork to sample her own dish of Welsh rarebit.

“That’s right,” Diablos Nocturna nodded, “and there may be a bit of a problem getting that.”

On the radio in the Welsh pub was playing the latest release from the American music group Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers with their lead vocalist Sekhmet singing the lyrics that were also the title of the song, “Mr. ET Gray, I’m So Sorry I Lost Your Laser Death Ray Gun.”

In the distance outside the pub could be heard the melancholy haunting sound of what sounded like a werewolf howling.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 6th
2014

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Haikus About 9/11

September 11, 2014 at 7:11 pm (Commentary, History, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , )

Haikus About 9/11

TVs across globe
same images bring shock, horror
The Twin Towers fall

True genius creates
any fool can destroy so
Osama will smile

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Ray Rice Statement aka ‘Tis A Tale Told By An Idiot

September 10, 2014 at 4:19 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Sports) (, , , , )

Ray Rice Statement aka ‘Tis A Tale Told By An Idiot

Ray Rice has issued a statement calling for greater understanding.

Speaking of understanding, I understand Dr. Hannibal Lecter is going to make a dish out of the domestic violence practicing athlete appropriately called Chicken Fried Rice.

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