Renfield’s Idea For The Return of Dr. Cadbury Rocher

December 31, 2014 at 5:23 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Idea For The Return of Dr. Cadbury Rocher

Renfield angrily threw down his copy of The U.S. Senate Report on CIA Torture In Interrogations that he had just finished reading.

“What a bunch of wimps, wusses, pussies and pansies the CIA actually are,” Renfield remarked, “it’s a wonder they found out any information at all using such namby pamby methods.”

“No wonder they eventually brought you in as a consultant for you to show them how it’s done,” Amadeus commented without looking up from the book he was reading.

“That’s very true,” Renfield grinned.

Amadeus yawned.

“I of course expect to be knighted by the Queen for my efforts in battling Islamist terrorism this year,” Renfield stuck his chest out.

“Well don’t hold your breath,” Amadeus flipped a page, “otherwise you’ll die for lack of oxygen.”

“The boss is still ticked about his top scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher now working for his archenemy and rival Isis,” Renfield decided to change the subject.

“No, Set Enterprises hasn’t been the same without Dr. Rocher,” Amadeus agreed.

“Of course what brought about the rift was the $2 billion that was slashed from Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s laboratory research budget,” Renfield noted.

“That’s right,” Amadeus helped himself to a stick of black licorice.

“But as you know I recently sold the cyborg Sophia back to Vladimir Putin (which he gave me as a gift a few years ago) for the handy sum of $7 billion U.S. thus making myself a nice $7 billion profit,” Renfield smiled.

“Yes, you’ve endlessly droned on about it for almost the past month,” Amadeus flipped another page of his book.

“Anyhow,” Renfield went on, ” in order to make the boss happy, I’ve decided to give $2 billion of that to the Set Enterprises laboratories’ research budget in order to make Dr. Cadbury Rocher happy and bring him back to work for the Boss again.”

“Your generosity exceeds that of the redeemed Ebenezer Scrooge,” Amadeus took a sip of his eggnog.

Renfield, totally obvious to the fact that Amadeus had discovered the art of sarcasm a few months ago, replied with a wide grin, “I know. Dr. Cadbury Rocher won’t be able to refuse my $2 billion offer. As Ron Jeremy once said, ‘Walk softly and carry a big stick’.”

“That wasn’t Ron Jeremy,” Amadeus looked up from his book on Lives Of The U.S. Presidents, “that was Teddy Roosevelt.”

“Teddy Roosevelt was a porn star?” Renfield sounded genuinely shocked.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 22nd
2014.

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Top 10 Reasons Why Kim Jong-un Won’t Be Interviewed By David Letterman In New York City

December 21, 2014 at 9:01 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Movies, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Top 10 Reasons Why Kim Jong-un Won’t Be Interviewed By David Letterman In New York City

#10. Is worried he’ll be forced to apologize if he throws a fit being served peanuts in a bag on a Korean Airlines flight to America

#9. He’s already seen most of the in-flight movies on his home computer screen

#8. Deathly afraid of subliminal swearing that might come through on his Sony headphones while in flight

#7. Doesn’t know where to go for Korean food in Times Square

#6. Very worried that New York City cab drivers won’t accept North Korean currency

#5. He’ll have to wait until next year to see the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Santa Claus Parade

#4. Is worried that he’ll be asked to perform the Gangnam Style dance by stupid New York City tourists mistaking him for South Korean pop star Psy

#3. Is very worried that pigeons in Central Park might mistake him for a statue

#2. Is deathly afraid that he might be assassinated by the CIA in the middle of a Stupid Pet Tricks routine on the Letterman Show

and the #1 reason why Kim Jong-un won’t be interviewed by David Letterman is

#1. He’s already been asked by Ellen DeGeneres

-A Top 10 List For
David Letterman
written by Christopher
Sunday December 21st
2014.

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The Post-Modern Christmas

December 14, 2014 at 9:11 pm (Christmas, Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Poetry) (, , , )

The Post-Modern Christmas

A ray of hope no longer flickers in the breeze
Lives are trampled and flattened in a whirlwind of despair
Where a tiny star once lit up way up high
A bullhorn tells people to disperse in the street
All across the land dawns an everlasting night
This comes to pass when a child is forgotten.

Billions of silent wishes drown in the Seven Seas
The guns of change make deserts of the trees
And the walls of doubt soar above the clouds
This comes to pass when a child is forgotten.

That rosy hue is replaced by stains of blood
You got the feel the ground collapses under your feet
With spells of darkness everyone feels forlorn
This comes to pass when a child is forgotten.

And all of this happens because the world has turned its back
on this one child; Black-white-yellow, no one cares…
They’ll shoot you when you’ve got your hands in the air
Laughter drowns submerged in a valley of tears
Love to hate, peace to war and everyone becomes everyone’s enemy
And misery and suffering are the only words left in the dictionary.

It’s all a reality now
It is the one truth eternal for our time
All across the land dawns an everlasting night
This comes to pass when a child is forgotten.

-A poetic response to the Christmas song When A Child Is Born
-describing the state of the world at Christmas 2014.

-written by Christopher
Sunday December 14th
2014.

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U. F. O. Crash In The High Arctic

December 12, 2014 at 8:23 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

U. F. O. Crash In The High Arctic

The Royal Canadian Navy icebreaker HMS Sir John Franklin was in the cold frigid waters of the Arctic Ocean 72 kilometres northeast of the Canadian Northwest Territories hamlet of Tuktoyaktuk.

An airplane was believed to have crashed in the immediate vicinity.

The DEW (Distant Early Warning) line radar station at Tuktoyaktuk first established in the late 1950s at the height of the original Cold War (and secretly reactivated on Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s orders as the Second Cold War- this one against Vladimir Putin’s Russia- was beginning) had picked up a speedy high- flying aerial craft on the radar just before it crashed into the Arctic seas.

Fearing that it was a Russian plane that had crashed, the Defence Department in Ottawa had immediately sent the icebreaker Franklin to the vicinity to retrieve the
plane before the Russian Navy mobilized to attempt a rescue of the wrecked craft.

Even though the craft had gone down in Canadian territorial waters, as someone in the Defence Department quipped, “Putin doesn’t let things such as borders, lines on a map and international law get in the way of getting something that he wants” so it was necessary to dispatch a ship right away before the Russians came breezing in to attempt their own rescue and salvage operation.

“We found it,” the ship’s sonar officer said to the captain of HMS Sir John Franklin.

“How far down is it?” Captain William Washburn asked.

“Let me just try to get an exact reading,” the sonar officer pushed a few buttons, “but it’s within a safe range for us to salvage and bring to the surface.”

“All right begin salvage operations,” Captain Washburn ordered the crew.

. . .

As the craft was hoisted aboard the ship, those present knew they were not looking at a plane.

They were looking at a round flying saucer disc shaped craft- what U.F.O. buffs would have called a U.F.O. had they seen it.

“Any signs of radiation?” Captain Washburn asked the ship’s radiation officer.

The ship’s radiation officer checking his Geiger counter replied, “Some but it’s at safe levels.”

“Let’s see if it can be opened,” Captain Washburn directed his crew.

Various attempts were made but nothing successful.

“Well we better get this back to land and see what can be done from there,” Captain Washburn ordered the ship to embark to the harbour at nearby Tuktoyaktuk.

“Do you mind if I try something?” A voice asked.

Captain Washburn looked in the direction of the voice.

It belonged to Israeli Naval Lt. Enoch Elijah Ben Eitan.

Lt. Ben Eitan was a guest observer from the Israeli Navy.

“Sure, go ahead,” Captain Washburn nodded.

Lt. Ben Eitan opened his briefcase which he always carried with him.

He reached into his briefcase and pulled out what looked to be a foot long key- a key made out of lapis lazuli.

The lapis lazuli key seemed to have ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.

“We find this is able to open such craft when they occasionally crash in the Negev Desert,” explained Ben Eitan.

The statement was greeted with a stunned silence.

Lt. Ben Eitan walked around the craft while holding the lapis lazuli key in his hand.

He stopped when the key suddenly seemed to glow.

He held the key over this portion of the craft and this part of the craft opened like a door.

The Franklin captain and the Israeli lieutenant peered through the door and inside were the bodies of 6 dead ET grays and one dead humanoid looking figure with a Middle Eastern appearance.

“I think we better get to Tuktoyaktuk as soon as possible,” Captain Washburn ordered, “and radio the Defence Department in Ottawa right away as to what we’ve found.”

. . .

On the shore waiting for the ship were members of the Canadian Army, representatives of NORAD, officers from the RCMP and FBI and a special team of M.I.B. (Men In Black) dispatched from Washington D.C.

Also standing on the shore near Tuktoyaktuk was a mysterious figure- the same figure who had stood atop Mount Moriah when the lights and electricity and power had suddenly shut off over Jerusalem.

(For more on this, please read

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2014/11/30/the-mysterious-figure-atop-mount-moriah/

)

As the craft was brought on to the shore, the mysterious figure suddenly vanished into the darkness of the Arctic night.

And a cold wind blew on to the shore.

And the lights from Aurora Borealis – the Northern Lights- that had been in the sky- they seemed to go out- like some dark switch had turned them off.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 8th
2014.

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Krampus: The Evil Sidekick of Saint Nicolas

December 7, 2014 at 12:47 am (Folklore, History, Horror, Poetry, Religion, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , )

Krampus: The Evil Sidekick of Saint Nicolas

Rod Serling (host of the Twilight Zone):

Gather around kiddies on this night of Saint Nicolas Day
try to avoid the evil fairies or as they say in Wales, the wicked fay
there is a place beyond time and space
that is known to all the human race
a realm of the imagination
you can reach with contemplation
where dawn and dusk meet
and light and dark greet
a place just beyond reach
like the tree with forbidden peach
a place where one’s home ET cannot phone
for this is the realm of the Twilight Zone.

In the land of the Dutch
of which we’ve heard so much
is the figure of Sinterklauss
jovial bloke like your dog with paws
and his wicked sidekick is Black Pete
a guy whose appearance is not neat
he might put you in a sack
and carry you on his back
to a place in far-off Spain
where on the plain it does so rain
or he might drop in your stocking a lump of coal
or place in your favourite sock a gaping hole.

But in the lands of Germanic alpine
over which the Hapsburgs ruled so fine
that kindly Eastern rite bishop Saint Nick
had a much darker sidekick
his name was Krampus
born from Hell’s dark arts campus
A beast-like creature
and that was his best feature
He was a demon
from dark cauldrons steamin’
The Horned God of the Witches
those nocturnal hag bitches.

In appearance he is hairy
unlike a beautiful fairy
He has the horns and cloven hooves of a goat
and a long lolling tongue that can reach down your throat
so if you want to be French kissed by frog prince turned horned toad
just ask to encounter Krampus as you walk down a dark road.

He carries ruten- bundles of birch
and avoiding the Cross on the Church
he uses these to swat bad children with
those on the dark side like the Sith
Krampus carries a washtub and sack on his back
to drown bad children and carry them to Hell’s torturous rack.

Sometimes Krampus appears with one human foot and one cloven hoof
so at medical check-ups he sends the doc through the roof.

But now to tonight’s tale
that shall make your hearts fail
it was on the late night of December 5th
a night much darker than the Sith
and the early morn of December 6
that heralds the start of the day that’s Saint Nick’s
in the year of Our Lord 1944
although to the Fuhrer Jesus was a bore
And Der Fuhrer was asleep in his room in Berlin
his Reich soon to fall like tonight’s bottle of gin
And the Fuhrer dreamed of being a child again in his Austrian birthplace
in the days before he set out to create a Master race
He saw Saint Nicolas approaching and gave him a grin
but the Saint saw Adolf’s future heart blackened by sin
and passed him by without even pinching his chin
Then Krampus approached and saw the boy’s hands steeped in blood
impossible to wash off like the stickiest mud
and Krampus grabbed the lad and threw him in the sack
The boy then awakened on a demon’s dark rack.

The Fuhrer’s cries and screams then literally shook the room
As Germany’s leader saw his future doom.

Some might remember
that 5th of December
in the year of Our Lord 1947
2 years past the time Der Fuhrer failed to make Heaven
for on that night Der Fuhrer’s bunker was destroyed
reminding us to be in Krampus’ hands is a fate to avoid.

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday December 6th 2014
The Night of Saint Nicolas’ Day

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December At The North Pole: A Poem

December 5, 2014 at 5:51 pm (Children's Story, Christmas, Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

December At The North Pole: A Poem

Well it’s early December
a time to remember
it will soon be Christmas Eve
thought the little elf called Steve
he was putting the finishing touches on Santa’s toys
for all the good little girls and boys
It was kind of cold living at the North Pole
you put on the fire heaps of coal
to help keep you warm
during an Arctic storm
his work day was now done
but so sadly was the sun
When he headed home, it was pitch dark
so he walked to the lot where reindeer park
but he couldn’t find his keys
and it was starting to freeze
then Rudolph did sneeze
and set everything aglow
And the light showed the keys in the fallen snow
so he picked up his keys
and ate his last piece of cheese
then he put the keys in the reindeer’s horn
and off the creature sprang like a comet reborn
So off went Comet and Dancer and Vixen
when it came to rent-a-deer he had the pick of the fixin’
for this is what they do when it’s not Christmas Eve
they fly home tired elves just like old Steve.

-A Christmas poem for children
written by Christopher
Monday December 1st
2014.

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Haiku About The Rise and Fall of Bill Cosby

December 4, 2014 at 4:24 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, News, Poetry, Television) (, , , )

Haiku About The Rise and Fall of Bill Cosby

Clowns make some afraid
with Bill Cosby unmasked
we now know reason

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