Osiris In Rome

January 31, 2015 at 5:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Osiris In Rome

The ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris had had quite an interesting time the past several millenia.

First he had been cut up into 14 pieces by his jealous brother Set.

Then he had been resurrected again by his wife and sister Isis.

But his phallus was still missing.

So then he was given a wooden phallus that with a sprinkling of a little cosmic Egyptian magic and witchcraft, he was able to use to impregnate Isis who gave birth to their son Horus.

Then the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith (who was history’s first vampire of either sex) turned the whole family into vampires.

That would have been fine if it had just been him Osiris and Isis and Horus.

Unfortunately she turned his evil brother Set into a vampire as well.

When Set staged a coup in Egypt and put one of his own disciples in as Pharaoh, Isis and Osiris fled to the kingdom of Tyre.

Osiris posed as an architect named Hiram Abiff.

While in Tyre, King Hiram sent him off to Jerusalem to build a temple for the Tyrian king’s good Israelite friend and ally King Solomon.

In the meantime, Set’s spies had discovered that Osiris was posing as a Tyrian architect named Hiram Abiff and was busy building a Temple in Jerusalem.

So Set sent three ruffians to murder Hiram Abiff.

Ostensibly to discover the secret password of a master mason- which Osiris as Hiram Abiff naturally refused to give.

Thus the three ruffians slew Hiram Abiff.

And of course once again Osiris had to be resurrected.

This time Isis resurrected Osiris using a severed lion’s paw and a magical spell used in forbidden magical practices of the ancient Israelite tribe of Dan.

She used the Lion’s Paw from the Tribe of Dan to grip the hand of Osiris’ dead body and bring his soul back from the Underworld to re-unite with his body.

The Lion’s Paw then raised Osiris up from his coffin.

“Remember one thing,” the dark arts practicing magician from the Tribe of Dan had told Isis, “the only thing that might be capable of destroying the Lion’s Paw of the Lion of the Tribe of Dan is the power of the Lion’s Paw of the Lion of Judah.”

Isis had no idea what the Danite dark arts magician was talking about and just took the Danite Lion’s Paw.

So Osiris was resurrected from the dead and went on to build the Temple of Solomon.

The Vampiress Isis slept with Solomon the night the Temple was dedicated in 953 BC.

Isis also arranged for her good friend the Phoenician Vampiress Ashtoreth to sleep with Solomon as well.

Osiris meanwhile had returned to Egypt.

He was captured by members of Set’s Imperial Bodyguard.

Set then used a black magic spell to send Osiris through a celestial gate way and portal to a planet near the star Sirius.

The black magic spell itself expired on what would be the date of December 21st 2012 on the Gregorian calendar (a fact that would affect the consciousness of the Aztec, Mayan and Hopi Indians) and Osiris could return to Earth on that date.

In the meantime, Horus plotted revenge against his uncle Set for what the evil being had done to his father.

Horus and a group of followers captured Set and, using an Egyptian black magic spell, buried Set alive in a tomb for several millenia.

The tomb was finally unsealed on November 11th, 1918 at 11:00 AM Greenwich time (the same hour the Great War Armistice came into effect).

Set escaped the tomb and eventually fled to England where he became a City of London financial and investment advisor.

He made a killing in the Wall Street markets of the 1920s.

And as a silent partner and backer of Chicago mobster Al Capone during the Prohibition era, he made even more killings.

Set acting on a tip wisely pulled his own money out of the U.S. stock market prior to the crash of October 1929.

During the 1930s, Set helped finance the rise to power of Hitler and the Nazis in Germany- a fact which led Winston Churchill to sit on opposite ends of the room from Set at their respective London clubs.

It was very fortunate for Set that, in the first post VE-Day British general election that was held in July, 1945, Clement Attlee’s Labour Party won a landslide victory.

It would have been big trouble for Set had Churchill won.

As it was, Set was one of the few big businessmen who prospered in Britain’s post-war emerging Welfare State under the leadership of Prime Minister Clement Attlee a modest man whom Churchill described as having “a lot to be modest about”.

When the British Conservatives under Sir Winston Churchill returned to power after the 1951 general election in the UK, Set by then was too powerful a figure in the British financial establishment for Churchill to mess with.

As for Osiris, he did return to Earth in a spaceship on December 21st 2012.

The interdimensional portal he entered through was located at Vancouver’s English Bay on Canada’s West Coast.

Unfortunately for him, the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl was trying to use the same interdimensional portal at the same time to land on Earth.

The two spaceships Osiris One (carrying Osiris from a planet near the star Sirius) and Quetzalcoatl Too (carrying Quetzalcoatl from Saturn’s Moon Titan) had a major mid-air collision just above Vancouver’s English Bay on the night of December 21st 2012.

A Russian nuclear submarine in the waters of English Bay at the time fired a laser death ray at the two spacecraft vaporizing both craft and their occupants.

Captain Nikolai Soloviev the commander of the submarine who had fired the laser death ray later left the Russian Naval service.

Captain Soloviev (a dead ringer for the late Russian Czar Nicholas II) then got a job appearing in TV commercials for Hotels.com an on-line hotel booking agency.

Captain Soloviev played a wise-cracking smart ass captain named Captain Obvious who had a “brilliant grasp of the obvious” as Sherlock Holmes might put it and made totally obvious wise-cracking smart ass remarks in the commercials.

Now it so happened at the time of the Russian sub laser death ray attack on the two spacecraft that a Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was on the beach at Vancouver’s English Bay along with his small-scale replica working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider.

Dr. Celsius used his replica Hadron Collider to gather up the particles and atoms of the two disintegrated spaceships and their celebrity deity extraterrestrial occupants.

The Collider container and its contents of particles and atoms were then shipped to the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis’ secret laboratory below Notre Dame Cathedral in the City of Lights.

Dr. Celsius was invited to oversee a team of scientists working day and night to put the particles and atoms back together again.

After working for almost 2 years with no results to show for it, Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was finally pushed to his death from the top of Notre Dame’s bell tower by the Vampiress Isis this past October 1st as a pre-Christmas bonus for his efforts.

Isis then hired the noted British scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to oversee the team and see if he could put her husband Osiris’ sub-atomic particles back together again.

Dr. Rocher had been working as the chief scientist for her rival and arch-enemy the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

But the two had a falling out when Set suddenly slashed a vast sum of money from Dr. Rocher’s laboratory research budget in order to maintain a high profit margin for Set Enterprises for the fiscal quarter.

Isis used the falling out to hire Dr. Rocher to work for her.

Dr. Rocher was able to successfully put Osiris’ sub-atomic particles back together and resurrect the vampiric deity this past Halloween.

Unfortunately for poor Osiris, he was once again resurrected sans phallus.

This naturally put a strain on Isis and Osiris’ cosmic re-union.

The two were now living separately again (though not light years apart as they had been for the past 3 millenia).

She continued to live in her luxurious penthouse apartment in Paris.

Osiris had found himself a nice little apartment in Rome, Italy with a good view of the Colosseum.

Osiris greeted the night as he flung open the tapestry curtains of his Rome apartment.

He had been told by various people when he announced that he was moving to Rome to “when in Rome, do as the Romans do.”

He thought though that maybe watching the sun rise above the Aventine Hill might prove somewhat hazardous to his health.

So he grabbed his brochure of Rome and wondered if there were any nighttime tours of the Sistine Chapel.

He would see for himself just what this Last Judgement of Michelangelo’s was that people were raving about.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
January 8th
to
January 28th
2015.

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And The Wolf Shall Lie Down With A Bottle of Budweiser

January 30, 2015 at 7:09 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, TV Commercials) (, , , , )

And The Wolf Shall Lie Down With A Bottle of Budweiser

Well some group is actually upset with a Super Bowl ad by Budweiser for showing a wolf approach a puppy in a threatening manner.

The group is asking people to call Budweiser and ask them to withdraw that part of the ad before this Sunday’s Super Bowl saying that wolves already receive enough bad PR.

I wonder if we’ll hear this news story on the radio soon:

A rabid animal rights activist was so angry when he heard about the ad, he pulled his truck over to call Budweiser and demand they withdraw that portion of the ad.
When he finished talking on the phone, he looked into the back of the cab of his truck and found a wolf had just eaten the puppy dog in the back he was bringing home to surprise his children.

Meanwhile in other news, a pro-shark group is demanding that Turner Classic Movies stop showing the 1975 Steven Spielberg film Jaws that shows sharks eating humans saying that sharks receive enough bad PR already.

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Is AI (Artificial Intelligence) A Threat To Humanity? – A News Bulletin

January 28, 2015 at 8:04 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Satire, Science, Technology) (, , , )

Is AI (Artificial Intelligence) A Threat To Humanity? – A News Bulletin

Radio news announcer: In a statement released today, Microsoft said that “Artificial Intelligence will not kill us.”
This bulletin just in… Microsoft owner Bill Gates has been found strangled by his robot butler after Gates refused to grant the robotic valet a night off for a date with a robotic lookalike of Shakira…

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Greek Election Results

January 26, 2015 at 6:46 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Greek Election Results

“European Union bureaucrats in Brussels and German Chancellor Angela Merkel have no doubt had to change their underpants after hearing the news that Alexis Tsipras’ anti-austerity Syriza Party have won yesterday’s national elections in Greece…” The BBC radio news announcer intoned.

“The thought of Angela Merkel’s underwear. Now there’s a mental image that really discombobulates the mind,” Renfield R. Renfield put down his copy of the unabridged edition of Machiavelli’s The Prince.

“Do you suppose Greece will leave the Eurozone?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield.

“They might,” Renfield replied as he imagined finding a piggy bank stuffed with old Greek drachma coins.

“All this talk of Greece is making me feel hungry for feta cheese, black olives and roast lamb,” Amadeus licked his lips.

“I suppose you feel like eating out at a Greek restaurant tonight,” Renfield checked a restaurant app on his iPhone.

“I do,” Amadeus nodded.

“That’s good,” Renfield smiled, “it will give me a chance to look at the menu and repeat that old line from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, ‘It’s all Greek to me’. ”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 26th
2015.

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The Roman Emperor Caligula: A Poem

January 24, 2015 at 9:14 pm (History, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

The Roman Emperor Caligula: A Poem

In Ancient Rome, Caligula was quite the chap
Certain Senators thought he was full of crap
particularly when to the Senate a horse he named
and the Senate’s marble floor was soon brownly framed
of course it was only the back end of the horse that Caligula had appointed
because he thought that part most resembled Rome’s “honourable men” so anointed.
Caligula dressed in public as Mercury, Venus and Apollo
for he thought he was more than a jolly good fellow
He thought of himself as a living god
as he once boasted to his Uncle Claud
He soon started calling himself the Great and Noble Jupiter
and shoved up a Patrician’s ass an arrow from statue of Cupid-ter
He soon started removing heads from statues of the gods of Rome
and replaced them with heads of facial features- his own
Caligula was really starting to become quite mad
and many started to think him a cad
When he announced to the Senate in 40 AD
that he would be leaving Rome permanently
and moving the Imperial capital to Alexandria to be worshipped as a living god
The Praetorian Guard had finally had had enough of this fraud
And on the 24th of January 41 AD they bumped him off
And the Emperor Caligula died with less than a divine cough.

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday January 24th 2015
on the anniversary of The Emperor
Caligula’s assassination.

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Renfield and The Ghost of The Theatre

January 23, 2015 at 11:34 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield and The Ghost of The Theatre

Renfield R. Renfield had bought himself a small theatre in West London.

He always thought it would be neat to be the owner of a theatre.

He would rent out the space to small theatre companies who wanted to put on live stage productions.

But Renfield had heard that a ghost haunted the theatre and would sometimes come on stage during live performances.

The reason the theatre had opened and closed so often.

“Looks like I’ll have to call a ghost hunter to rid the theatre of this ghost,” Renfield remarked to Amadeus Emanon as the two stood in front of the stage.

“I suppose,” Amadeus replied as he chewed on some raspberry flavoured candied ectoplasm.

Suddenly a weeping could be heard coming from behind the stage curtains.

“Open the curtains, Matt,” Renfield called out to one of the stage hands.

The curtains opened and a ghostly figure could be seen weeping on stage.

“Please don’t call a ghost hunter,” the ghost wept, “I am the ghost of Sir Allan Falteringham a promising thespian who died when I tripped over an electric cord and fell off the stage
hitting my head prior to giving the greatest performance and recital of my career. Please don’t hire a ghost hunter to rid this theatre of me until you’ve heard my performance.”

“You have five minutes,” Renfield looked at the cuckoo clock on the wall.

The ghost of Sir Allan Falteringham began his recital,

“Oh, I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day,
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-tree.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin’
and have buttered scones for tea.

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women’s clothing,
And hang around in bars.”

“That’s the worst recital of the Monty Python Lumberjack Song I’ve ever heard,” Renfield grumbled and reached for his phone, “I’m calling a ghost hunter.”

“Oh please,” the ghost of Sir Allan Falteringham wept, “it sounds so much better if I have a chorus behind me. If you could find me a nice chorus of ghosts to back me up…”

“Your five minutes are up,” Renfield said as a cuckoo bird came flying out of the cuckoo clock on the wall and landed on the theatre floor.

Renfield dialed the ghost hunter’s number.

Sir Allan Falteringham’s nights on the stage were over.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 23rd
2015.

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Strangers In Black and White: A Poem

January 21, 2015 at 8:51 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Strangers In Black and White: A Poem

A dark night in black and white
strangers down at the dock by the waterfront
he a disgraced ex-boxer who threw a fight
She a club singer who lost her voice due to illness
She thinks of ending her life
He’s trying to find his
They meet
These strangers in the night
They connect
which actually few strangers do
Most strangers meet and pass
like ships in the night.
They go to his home
get jobs in the same restaurant
and slowly fall in love
But while hoping for a brighter future
both their pasts catch up with them.
The gangsters who own the cabaret
where once she sang
find her
and return the canary
to her cage
however gilded and glitzy it might be
it’s still a cage.
As for the boxer who thought his brother had left for a ranch in Brazil
it turns out he never made it to Brazil
And so dreams become nightmares
Hopes that once were beacons of light
become like flashing signs of neon
They light up
only to turn dark again.
And so they become once more
strangers in black and white
like the film on which their story is told
like their lives in which the darkness of the past
seeks to engulf the potential bright light of the future
in that never ending conflict that is the present.
Strangers in black and white
a lot like you and I
who allow colour to distract us
and not see the light against shadow
and the shadow against light
that dance all around us.

-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday January 21st 2015
inspired by having watched the
1957 Japanese noir film
I Am Waiting
on Turner Classic Movies
a few nights before.

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Haiku About Alan Turing

January 20, 2015 at 8:39 pm (Commentary, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About Alan Turing

Take Alan Turing
it took an enigma to
crack an enigma

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Haiku About Kim Kardashian

January 19, 2015 at 6:55 pm (Celebrities, Commentary, Entertainment, Poetry) (, , , )

Haiku About Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian
tried to break Net by making
an ass of herself

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Haiku About The Seattle Seahawks

January 18, 2015 at 6:27 pm (Commentary, News, Poetry, Sports) (, , , , , , , )

Haiku About The Seattle Seahawks

Seattle Seahawks
dynasty in the making?
see at Super Bowl

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