Haiku About Jekyll and Hyde

January 17, 2015 at 7:37 pm (Horror, Literature, Mystery/horror, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Haiku About Jekyll and Hyde

Henry and Edward
good doc, take potion, bad jock
with nowhere to Hyde

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Haiku About Zombie Apocalypse (Those Living Dead Creatures Who Feed On Human Brains)

January 16, 2015 at 7:25 pm (Humour, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About Zombie Apocalypse (Those Living Dead Creatures Who Feed On Human Brains)

Zombie on island
with Kim Kardashian so he
died of starvation

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Haiku About Perry Mason

January 15, 2015 at 8:50 pm (Entertainment, Poetry, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , )

Haiku About Perry Mason

Yes Perry Mason
in court makes mincemeat out of
Hamilton Burger

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Renfield Comes Up With Yet Another Idea For A TV Commercial

January 14, 2015 at 7:39 pm (Humour, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield Comes Up With Yet Another Idea For A TV Commercial

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon had spent the past couple of nights watching North American TV channels on their far-reaching super powerful satellite TV.

Tonight they were watching an NHL hockey game.

Voice of announcer: And now here come the Edmonton Oilers hockey players…

(A group of hockey players skate out on to the ice wearing paper bags over their heads)

Renfield remarked to Amadeus, “You know last night, I saw an American TV commercial I hadn’t seen before.”

“Oh, yes,” Amadeus reached for some popcorn.

“Yes,” Renfield went on, “it showed some woman holding on to a rope and rock climbing up a cliff. She suddenly turns her head, looks at the camera and says ‘It’s at moments like these, I’m glad I’m wearing Tampax Proactive’.”

Amadeus stopped reaching for a red licorice Twizzler and reached for a black licorice Twizzler instead.

“Anyways, if I had written and directed that commercial,” Renfield continued, “I would then have had the camera pan in on some guy holding on to the same rope and rock climbing up the cliff directly beneath her suddenly look up, then look at the camera and say, ‘Oh God!!! At moments like these, I’m glad she’s wearing Tampax Proactive too.’

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 14th
2015.

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Haiku About The Shadow of Old Time Radio Fame

January 13, 2015 at 8:03 pm (Entertainment, Mystery, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About The Shadow of Old Time Radio Fame

Young Lamont Cranston
man about town knows men’s hearts
casts a long shadow

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Scottish Laddies: A Poem

January 12, 2015 at 8:34 pm (Humour, Literature, Poetry) (, , , , )

Scottish Laddies: A Poem

There were some Scottish laddies
some might think they were baddies
they drank together
and stank together
and bathed together in highland stream
underneath a bright moon beam
they played golf in the heather
whatever the weather
and ate their porridge
and fought King George
they drank many a whiskey
and chased lassies frisky
then one day one of them announced he’d wed
an aghast buddy said, “What? And join the ranks of the living dead?”
But the man insisted he’d fallen in love
he swore by the heavens above
and so the man did indeed wed
but one of his buddies said,
“I’ll bet you a dozen gold coins
that what’s between your loins
will not be able to perform on your wedding night
and your bride will die bored rather than from fright.”
The man accepted the bet
just as the sun set
and the voyeur in the group
while eating Scots broth soup
said, “I can see where this is leading
so I’ll watch the proceeding
and being a neutral party
I swear by Wallace’s brave hearty
that I’ll truthfully tell what unfolds
whether his performance outshines the marigolds
and I’ll play my favourite musical instrument if he performs the deed
and if he performs not, not a single note will be heard- blank like his seed.”
So it was agreed.
Then came the wedding night
and in the moonlight
the groom’s friend who made the bet
stood on a hill after sunset
and hoped for the sweet sounds of silence by the dawn’s early light
when would end the groom’s wedding night
and at day break the groom’s friend waited for a sound
and then as cock crew, he hit the ground
and though his promise must be kept
the thrifty Scotsman still wept,
“A drum, a drum,
MacBeth doth come.”

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday January 12th 2015.

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The Dancing Dragon: A Poem

January 11, 2015 at 9:46 pm (Fantasy, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , )

The Dancing Dragon: A Poem

The dragon danced
with ants down his pants
and that’s why he danced
when you’ve got the itch
then life is a bitch
all you want to do is scratch
with another to match
The Emperor Wu watched the dragon dance
seeing it quite by chance
and was so impressed
he ordered his courtiers dressed
in the costume of a dragon
and jumping off the wagon
would dance through the streets of Beijing
where there was no peeking
under the dancing dragon’s costume bold
emblazoned in bright colours of red and gold
so the tradition continues each Lunar New Year
where the dragon dances to quite a loud cheer.

-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday January 11th 2015.

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Haiku About Edgar Allan Poe

January 10, 2015 at 8:26 pm (Literature, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Poetry) (, , )

Haiku About Edgar Allan Poe

-written by Christopher
Saturday January 10th
2015.

Edgar Allan Poe
went raven mad for lost love
Lenore- tell-tale heart

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Haiku About Darth Vader

January 9, 2015 at 5:38 pm (Entertainment, Movies, Poetry, Science-Fiction) (, , , , , )

Haiku About Darth Vader

-written by Christopher
Friday January 9th
2015.

Anakin skywalks
on over to the dark side
bought helmet to match

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Renfield Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

January 8, 2015 at 7:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked at the huge pile of bodies piling up in front of the Parisienne cafe in which he was sitting.

As they completely blocked his view to the window, he was about to ask for his cheque and leave when suddenly Renfield R. Renfield entered the cafe carrying a machine gun.

“Sorry, I took so long,” Renfield apologized, “but I had to shoot my way through a bunch of Islamist terrorists to get here.”

“Are they the ones whose bodies are piled up out there? Dr. Rocher asked.

“Yes,” Renfield wiped all the blood off his machine gun with his table napkin, “the Paris sanitation workers should be along any minute now to take away the trash unless they’re on strike again because they figure they’re still not getting a long enough coffee break to enjoy their cheese and croissant sandwiches.”

“May I get you something, Monsieur?” The waiter asked Renfield.

“Well, I already banged Julie Gayet for breakfast in my hotel room while I was on the speaker phone with Francois Hollande this morning,” Renfield tied the bloodied napkin around his neck as a bib, “so now I’ll have the toasted tuna fish and cheese sandwich.”

Renfield then discussed old times with Dr. Rocher- like creating gooey green coloured flesh-eating nanobots and then letting them loose in the bedroom of the Prince of Wales the night before he was scheduled to give a speech to a scientific conference on the threat posed to humanity by “gray gooey flesh-eating nanobots”.

“So what have you been up to these days?” Dr. Rocher asked Renfield.

“Well I just wrote a letter to Her Majesty the Queen noting that she forgot to add my name to her roll of knighthoods in her New Year’s Honours list for this year,” Renfield blew his nose into the table cloth because his napkin bib was no longer the proper colour for nose blowing in his opinion, “but I expect that situation to be rectified in the next few weeks.”

The waiter arrived with Renfield’s tuna fish and cheese sandwich.

“Excuse me,” Renfield called out after the waiter, “I asked for my tuna fish sandwich toasted not burnt.”

Renfield pulled out his machine gun and blew the waiter away to kingdom come.

The impact sent the waiter flying through the window out into the street where the Paris sanitation workers had just finished throwing the last of the Islamist terrorists’ bodies into the sanitation truck (which would have been called a garbage truck in America).

“Another one, Henri,” one of the sanitation workers called out to his partner.

“Not now, Andre,” his partner looked at his watch, “coffee break time.”

Both men sat on a street bench and took out their lunch pails which they opened and brought out bottles of cognac and several plates of cheese and croissants which they ate.

Two hours later when Renfield had talked Dr. Cadbury Rocher into returning to work for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set and the pair had then left the cafe, both sanitation workers were still sitting on the street bench eating and drinking while groups of vultures had flown down from the skies and were now feeding on the bodies in the sanitation truck and the waiter’s body still lying on the street.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 8th
2015.

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