Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

May 13, 2015 at 7:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

Renfield R. Renfield the leader of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party was lying on the sofa in the living room.

His eyes were glazed as if he were in a total state of shock (or had been listening to Paris Hilton giving an oral presentation analyzing the Liebestod in Tristan und Isolde).

Renfield was suffering from PEDSD or Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder.

All 11 of his independent candidates running on his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform (including himself) had gone down to defeat in last Thursday’s United Kingdom General Election.

Ten of them had wound up in last place in their respective constituencies including himself Renfield R. Renfield.

And he had done the worst of all the candidates running on behalf of his party- he had received only one vote in his constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set’s colossal London mansion was located.

This further sent Renfield into a state of agony as if he were receiving a major enema up the bowels of his netherworld.

“Since I know I voted for myself,” Renfield wept to Athelstan the mansion’s butler and Amadeus Emanon the mansion’s resident concert pianist, “since I always vote for the best candidate, what this means is that neither of you nor the Boss voted for me.”

Both Athelstan and Amadeus looked at Renfield but said nothing.

The independent candidate for his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party who had done the best was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) who had come in second behind Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.

Now there was a call among the country’s science-fiction loving nerds who made up the bulk of the party’s membership that Renfield be dumped as party leader and replaced with Morgana.

So Renfield had rented a Darth Vader costume along with a pair of Mr. Spock ears (that he’d place on either side of his Darth Vader helmet) to give a live webcast speech to the party’s membership tonight defending his leadership.

Renfield picked up from the coffee table a copy of the speech he had written to deliver to the party later that evening.

The speech began, “My fellow Transhumanists, I may never have owned a dog called Checkers but I once played the game of Chinese checkers…”

He put down the speech, sat back on the sofa and looked depressed again.

Amadeus put on the radio to listen to the program The Galloping Guru- a self-help and motivational program hosted by a New Age speaker who gave beatitudes of inspiration and enlightenment while riding on a horse through the Tennessee countryside.

As the emergency sound of a train whistle blowing and the anguished neighing of a horse could be heard, this was then followed by a moment of silence.

Then the somewhat agonized voice of the not-so-Galloping Guru spoke while ambulance sirens were heard in the background, “I’m reminded of something Robert Downey Jr. once said… Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.”

“Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean there aren’t other movie roles out there besides the male lead in Fifty Shades of Grey either,” Renfield remarked in punishing fashion.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 12th
2015.

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24 Comments

  1. Randstein said,

    Captivating scene! The train, the horse, the galloping guru’s new role as a strolling strumpet of wisdom seems to set the stage for Mr. Renfield’s ultimate rise in the adult entertainment industry, perhaps with Ms. Morgana in the starring role. Perhaps I should cut back on caffeine. πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      LOL!

      You’ve obviously been reading my older posts where I’ve mentioned that Renfield owns an adult films studio in Southern California .

      And of course Morgana is a rock and pop singing star who spends her nights strumping around in micro-mini skirts and spiked stilettos and shakes her booty in music videos she films (which of course is pretty much the standard music video fare these days for most young female pop singers as well as those older vampiric ones who never tell us their age).

      I actually wrote this entire scene to incorporate a pun I made up a week ago.

      I was able to use British Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron’s landslide victory in last Thursday’s United Kingdom General Election as an opportunity to use a depressed Renfield listening to advice to boost one’s self-confidence given by a galloping guru who actually thought his horse could outrun a train in crossing a railway track at a station crossing.

      The pun was inspired by a quote showing up on my Facebook page a week ago where Robert Downey Jr. supposedly said “Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.”

      I thought up the reply pun and the rest as they say is history (to say nothing of a current cultural fascination with the movie Fifty Shades of Grey).

      Of course I’m not sure whether Robert Downey Jr. actually said the original quote because according to another quote I read on the Internet:

      You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.
      -Abraham Lincoln

      Which is yet another example of President Lincoln’s profound analytical insight, wit and wisdom.

      I often think to myself how different history would have been if only John Wilkes Booth hadn’t read Abe Lincoln’s Facebook status that he’d be attending a performance of Our American Cousin at the Ford Theatre in Washington D.C. that night.

      • Randstein said,

        I enjoyed it and see great potential for many paths the story could take. You really must explain the 50 shades trend from Morgana’s perspective. It might start a new trend.

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      LOL !

      Yes, Morgana’s perspective would be something to comprehend indeed. πŸ™‚

      Earlier this year, I had written a chapter where Renfield had painted a very very very abstract expressionistic painting of the Portrait of Dorian Gray (made famous in Oscar Wilde’s tale The Picture of Dorian Gray) that he called Fifty Shades of Gray.

      Renfield submitted the painting to an London art show competition.

      Unfortunately for Renfield, the judges were stone cold sober while judging the exhibit and Renfield did not win 1st Prize or even an honourable mention for that matter.

      • Randstein said,

        I have a lot of catching up to do. πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Indeed. πŸ™‚

      I should explain to you as I explained to my friend Sherrie when she first started commenting on my blog entries and liking my comments that for some reason on my own WordPress blog on my (now) pre-historic iPhone 4 S, the Like button for comments on my own blog does not appear.

      The Like button for comments does appear on most other WordPress bloggers’ blogs but not on my own.

      So I’m able to like comments on other people’s blogs but not my own.

      So if you wonder why I like your comments on your own blog but no like for your comments shows up on my blog, it’s because I have no Like button to push for comments on my own blog.

      I like all your comments, my friend. πŸ™‚

      It’s just that there is no Like button for me to click.

      Such are the hazards of owning a prehistoric iPhone 4 S.

      • Randstein said,

        I like that. In a way, no like button allows you to go on with life uninterrupted or induces one to interact with their virtual keyboard. Clever those IOS programmers are.

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Yes, they are.

      On my posting page on WP, they tell me that my format called Dusk (which looks very vampiric like on a desktop computer prior to my desktop being hit from a nasty virus that has sent it into a zombie like state from which it has never recovered) is very old and has now been updated to a format called Dusk To Dawn.

      However I’m afraid if I switch it to that format, then possibly it might prove even more hazardous.

      So I stick with the vampiric looking Dusk format which unfortunately does not seem to allow me to like comments on my own blog.

      • Randstein said,

        It’s only when technology and software is improved that we truly suffer our worst setbacks. WordPress has improved things to a new level of dysfunction with no end in site. You probably are safer with the current theme, which requires you to give up liking your webpage in return for functioning. We’ll probably improve things to the point the internet crashes and the world will come unglued. At least your zombie desktop will be unaffected.

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      ROTFL ! That’s very true.

  2. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    β€œMy fellow Transhumanists, I may never have owned a dog called Checkers but I once played the game of Chinese checkers…” … hahahaha …. That can be an excellent poem as well! LOL

    You are so terrific, my friend!

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Thanks, Sherrie. πŸ™‚

      You’ve no doubt heard of Richard Nixon’s famous Checkers speech of September 23rd 1952 which saved Nixon’s political career as well as his place on the Republican national ticket as Dwight Eisenhower’s Vice-Presidential running mate.

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        Oh, yes! I remembered that in school. Our English teacher played a CD on that speech and more than half of the class were snoring listening to it because kids finds it to be so bored. We were like what, ten or eleven. It was later in high school that we learn this once again on Richard Nixon because we have to do paperwork on Nixon’s history.

        I was not that lucky because my groups are that of lazy kids. I remembered when the project has to be given up to the teacher, we were asked by her and the school director of what we’ve done and learned.

        I was the only one got the good notes where else the others had failed as the teacher realized they did not do their work.

        Mrs Wong : What do you know of the Checkers speech?
        Byron Tan : Eh … is that Checkers as “chec-mate” in chess?

        hahahaha … And that’s it! The End! πŸ˜›

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      ROTFL !

      I guess Byron Tan didn’t know that there’s no checkmate in Checkers.

      So you were the hard worker in the group eh, Sherrie?

      That doesn’t suprise me.

      So you had a Mrs. Wong as a teacher eh?

      I had a Mrs. Wong as a Science teacher when I was in Grade 7. πŸ™‚

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        LOL Sometime it is kind of horrible to be that different among your fellow classmates. Sometimes being in good in school is not a popular thing among these kids – they bullied me all those years and called me Nerdie Girl and I wore a glass at that time – they even called me as the Most Ugliest Duckling!

        But I have always been such a very strong girl and study as hard as I can. My father always say that to be good in your education is another thing, but to have a good mind and heart are also one of the most important thing. Be Happy to be who you are and not what the others think of you.

        I know he is right … πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Sorry to hear you were bullied in school, Sherrie.

      I was bullied in school as well since I always got good marks.

      They called me a “fag” and “gay” which is what they called guys who were good academically (as well as of course those guys who actually were gay which I wasn’t).

      But your dad is right- the important thing is to be who you are and not care what anyone else thinks.

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        We both have such a great father, aren’t we? We became just as we are because of them, yes. I guess, that is why we can get along so good with each other like this. If your father is still alive, I would be so glad to meet him. I might argue with him about Shakespeare all night long! πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Yes, my dad really loved Shakespeare.

      He had the Complete Works of William Shakespeare on old 33 LP record albums.

      On those albums were such notable actors as Sir John Gielgud and Sir Laurence Olivier. πŸ™‚

  3. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    I just read your comments on your computer! I had to laugh the way you explained the Dusk to Dawn – was it with Tarrantino and George Clooney inside too? Gosh … that film was awful!

    So, now your PC is in a coma state! If it turns out to be a metal zombie, you better get out of your apartment! It gives zombie virus on your Iphone! LOL

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      OMG!

      I’d forgotten Dusk To Dawn was the name of that horrible Quentin Tarrantino vampire movie with George Clooney.

      I suppose that’s where they got the title from.

      The only thing I liked about that movie was the sexy Vampiress played by Salma Hayek who served as inspiration for my vampire novel’s character the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

  4. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    LOL That was the first time I know who Salma Hayek was. Later, I saw her with Will Smith in Wild Wild West movie that shows her butt crack. Why is that her butt crack did not break in the Internet in those days??? Kardashian’s nailed it! hahaha …

    Oh, yes … that was an awful film. It was the worse film ever. That was not the best of Tarrantino.

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Yes, when all the bad movie reviews of the film came pouring in, his film projector sang, “Don’t cry for me, Tarrantino.”

  5. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    I wrote many mistakes in my messages today … Still ill … Ugh!

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