Pan Goatee Interviewed On TV Show

July 11, 2015 at 5:00 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Interviewed On TV Show

KRTV Channel 3 Announcer: Live from Great Falls, Montana, it’s the Russell Charlie Show and now here’s our host… Russell Charlie.

(A man wearing a 10 gallon tan cowboy hat, purple leather vest, cowboy tie, denim jeans and leather cowboy boots strolls on to the stage waving his hat and waving his hands)

Russell Charlie: Howdy y’all, ladies and gentlemen. How ya doing?

(Audience shouts in unison, “We’re great, Rusty!”. Rusty of course being Russell Charlie’s nickname)

Rusty: Today, of course, we have a special guest who’s come all the way from Washington, D.C. …

(Audience starts booing)

Rusty: Now, we must be hospitable. After all that’s the way of the Great American West. We give you food, give you drink and then we’ll plug you full of holes with our six shooters.

(Audience laughs)

Rusty: Washington D.C. is of course the town where rodeos go all year round… they’re always throwing the bull.

(Audience laughs)

Rusty: And today our special guest from Washington D.C. is not a politician…

(Audience cheers)

Rusty: He’s a serial killer who currently works as a contract hired assassin for the U.S. government… Ladies and gentlemen… I give you…Mr. Pan Goatee.

(The audience cheers, applauds and gives a standing ovation as the genetically created half-man half- goat satyr with furry goats’ legs and hooves comes on stage)

(Pan Goatee waves at the audience, gives Rusty a big hug and then sits down in one of the chairs reserved for the show’s guests)

Rusty (looking at Pan Goatee’s very furry legs): Those are quite the pair of chaps you’re wearing.

Pan Goatee (looking down with pride at his furry legs) : Thanks. They’re actually real.

Rusty: You mean to say that your legs are actually that hairy?

Pan Goatee: Yes, they are.

Rusty: Well, eat my ten gallon hat and then spit it out again. What did your mother feed you as a baby- Budweiser beer laced with testosterone?

Pan Goatee: Well according to a gypsy fortune telling reading I got in London by a gypsy fortune teller who read her crystal ball, her tarot cards, my tea leaves and my furry palms, I was not born in the regular manner. I was genetically created in a research lab somewhere in England by a sanity-challenged scientist and then I was lost shortly after my test-tube birth.

Rusty: Well, that explains everything then. Because if you had said you’d been fed by your mother with Budweiser beer laced with testosterone as a baby and furthermore if you had said you had been breast fed with that formula, I would have asked where I could get my hands on such a magnificent pair of knockers.

(Audience laughs)

Pan Goatee: No, according to the gypsy fortune teller, I was created by this sanity-challenged scientist using a combination of human DNA – which of course explains my upper body torso- goat DNA – which explains my furry legs and also hooves for feet- and yeti abominable snowman DNA- which explains my homicidal tendencies as well as my ability to astral project.

Rusty: Wow. You can actually astral project? Cool.

Pan Goatee: Yes, I can astral project.

Rusty: I tried to astral project myself once after reading one of those AMORC California Rosicrucian Order pamphlets but the furthest I got was to the outhouse.

Pan Goatee: Really?

Rusty: Yes and since my astral body didn’t really have to relieve itself, that really didn’t do me much good.

(Audience laughs)

Rusty: Now if I could have just made it as far as the whore house up the road, I could really have seen what my astral body might be capable of.

Pan Goatee: Tantric sex can get pretty wild when you start using your astral bodies.

Rusty: Really?

Pan Goatee: Oh yes. (crosses his legs to cover up his erection as he subconsciously recalls a recent experience)

Rusty: Now I understand you appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine a month before Pope Francis did.

Pan Goatee: That’s right. I did. So stick that in your thurible incense burner and smoke it, Pope Francis.

(The audience, many of whom had invested in the oil and gas industry, applauded vigorously)

Rusty: Now I understand it was reality TV star and singer Tila Tequila who interviewed you on behalf of Rolling Stone magazine?

Pan Goatee: Yes, it was. As you know her door swings both ways and so after the interview she and I and a Japanese-American porn actress named Akira Lane had a mΓ©nage a trois in a penthouse atop a Beverly Hills hotel- the same room where they filmed the 1990 Julia Roberts-Richard Gere movie Pretty Woman.

Rusty: Really?

Pan Goatee: Yes, unbeknownst to the three of us, that mischievous shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield from England secretly videotaped our bedroom escapades and then projected them onto a screen that Al Gore was using as a backdrop to a speech he was giving on the man-made causes of global warming.

Rusty (astounded): Really?

Pan Goatee: Yes it was probably that particular lecture that served as a major subconscious factor in Al Gore’s decision not to seek the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2016.

Rusty: Now in that Rolling Stone interview with Tila Tequila, you described yourself as the most intelligent serial killer in history. What led you to that conclusion?

Pan Goatee: Well of course that’s something I say with all due modesty and humility. I am the most intelligent serial killer in history.

Rusty : And on what basis did you reach that humble modest conclusion?

Pan Goatee: Well when you take a look at the history of serial killers and particularly look at photos of their female victims, they killed a lot of beautiful women. Of course when I was just a young pup or a young kid to be more accurate- just fresh out of the genetics lab test tube (according to my gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia’s tarot card reading of my past), I was quite young and naive. I must admit I did kill beautiful women (and beautiful men as well) when I first began my serial killing hobby which I found a lot more interesting than stamp collecting.

Rusty: And then something happened?

Pan Goatee: Yes, I had an epiphany. An epiphany of what it means to be a practitioner of the philosophy of aesthetics. The same epiphany that the Crown Prosecutor in the criminal trial of Oscar Wilde must have experienced when he asked Wilde on the witness stand why he didn’t kiss the waiter in the hotel and Oscar Wilde replied, “Because he was too ugly.”

Rusty: So what was the nature of this epiphany?

Pan Goatee: The thought came to me out of the blue while I was reading Nietzsche on the differences between Apollonian and Dionysian religion. This thought like a voice from Mount Olympus said to me, “What are you doing killing beautiful women?” There are already too little beautiful women in the world and too many ugly women. Womanhood in the 21st Century have allowed their looks to go to pot as a result of the efforts of that obnoxious bitch Oprah Winfrey in her so-called self-help and so-called self-esteem confidence building TV shows saying that ugly women should just be themselves- a more offensive piece of advice I cannot recall if I may be allowed to paraphrase that most beloved and wisest of all American letter carriers and U.S. postal employees Norman Newman.

(The audience in the Great Falls television studio gives Pan Goatee a standing ovation over his last remark)

Pan Goatee: So then I started strictly killing ugly women as a result of that Nietzchean- Apollonian- Oscar Wildean epiphany.

Rusty: And if I may quote a psychiatrist, how did that make you feel?

Pan Goatee (grinning): Wonderful.

(Audience applauds and cheers)

Pan Goatee: And thus it came to pass that I stopped killing beautiful women… and killed only ugly women… thus making me the most intelligent serial killer in history.

(He holds up his membership card in MENSA as audience applauds)

Pan Goatee: Yes, after all according to the Georgia Guidestones Commandments that were erected in Elbert County, Georgia 35 years ago, the First Commandment says words to the effect that we shall not have a human population above 500 million on the planet so that we can live forever in perfect balance and harmony with nature and Mother Earth Gaia. Only when that happens will we finally have achieved Pierre Teilhard de Chardin’s Omega Point.

Rusty: Chardin? Is that the French fashion designer who invented the bubble dress?

Pan Goatee: No, he was a French Jesuit priest, scientist and philosopher who thought we’d all become gods someday.

Rusty: I see. I once met a Mormon missionary who told me much the same thing.

Pan Goatee: Anyways since according to the Georgia Guidestones Commandments, we’re going to have to eliminate 6.5 billion people… although personally I think we should make it 6.6 billion since I think that’s a more nifty sounding number… then why shouldn’t we include ugly women in that 6.6 billion figure? After all, ugly women… well they’re ugly . So I say get rid of them.
If we’re going to have to eliminate 6.6 billion people, there’s no reason why we can’t also beautify the planet while we’re doing so and make this earth a much more enjoyable place to live. So I say, let’s start reducing the population by getting rid of the ugly women first.

(Shouts of “Amen” and “You got it brother” and “Pastor Rick Warren should invite you to speak at Saddleback Church” are heard coming from members of the audience)

Pan Goatee: So, I say our mantra should be…

… Way hey, ho- ho
ugly women have got to go…

(Audience breaks into shouts of “Way hey, ho-ho, ugly women have got to go”)

Rusty: Well, I see the show’s producer is signaling to me from the booth that we’re out of time… so thanks for being our guest today Pan and hopefully you’ll be back soon…

Pan Goatee (smiling and enjoying the audience’s standing ovation): It’s been my pleasure, Rusty. Perhaps you’ll teach me how to fire a real western six-shooter someday since I’ve always wanted to learn ever since I saw my first John Wayne movie.

(The show’s repulsively ugly looking female producer is signaling to the guy at the control switch to turn off transmission from the studio cameras that are panning in on the cheering and standing ovation audience. But seeing as how the guy at the control switch is wearing a blindfold so he doesn’t have to look at the female producer’s ugly face, he is unable to see the signal and the transmission is not cut)

-A screenplay
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 5th

Kill all fucking ugly women!
And may they burn in Hell forever!
-Pan Goatee in his unpublished work on the environment and earth beautification
Earth and Apollonian Beauty In The Balance: Going Beyond Al Gore and Oprah Winfrey


  1. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    hahahaha … That Rusty remind me of Jimmy Kimmel, really.
    And the public love Pan Goatee’s erection! They must have love his hairy legs as well. Uuuuuu …

    Ok. If Pan Goatee going to get rid of the ugly women in the world, what does that mean for Angela? She is not a beautiful woman but she got power! lol πŸ˜›

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Yes, Rusty is Jimmy Kimmel with a Montana drawl. πŸ˜€

      Yes, Pan Goatee’s erection and furry legs seem to have caught the imagination of the Montana cowboys.

      If Heath Ledger were still alive, he could do a sequel to Brokeback Mountain called Stiff Front Springs about a cowboy and goat camping in the wilderness together.

      Yes, and I imagine Angela Merkel will be booking an appointment with a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon shortly when word gets to her about Pan Goatee.

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        hahaha … And Angela might get a new booty just as the exact replica of Kim Kardashian. Imagine that! At the every plastic surgery’s clinical album – Kardishian ass all over it! lol

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Yes, Beverly Hills plastic surgeons never make an ass of themselves.

      They just make an ass out of Kim Kardashian. πŸ˜›

  2. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    I’m getting flashbacks of Et on tuera tous les affreux by Boris Vian πŸ˜€

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      I’ve never heard of that particular work, Nicholas.

      Is it quite good to read?

      • Nicholas C. Rossis said,

        A handsome PI is caught up in a global conspiracy to get rid of ugly people. It’s just a novella, but great fun πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      I googled Boris Vian when you mentioned him.

      Some aspects of his life were terrifyingly similar to mine in some respects.

      His mother was an amateur concert pianist.

      My mother was a professional concert pianist.

      He suffered ill health as a child and started school late.

      I used to get acute bronchitis every winter from the time I was 2 until the time I was 14.

      I didn’t start school until I was 7 as a result.

      He received a baccalaureate in Philosophy.

      I got a baccalaureate in Philosophy.

      He associated with jazz musicians like Hoagy Carmichael, Duke Ellington and Miles Davis.

      Those particular jazz musicians are my favourite jazz musicians.

      Even the fact that work you mentioned just now was a private eye novella.

      The first novel I ever wrote was a private eye novel.

      I must have wrote it about 14 years ago.

      The hero was a walking, talking, chain smoking Saint Bernard dog who’s hired by a prince to track down the female owner of a glass slipper that was left behind at a palace ball.

      The canine shamus whose name is Dudley Dashing (and who spends a great deal of time drinking from the small wooden barrel flask of brandy he keeps in a collar around his neck) goes off into the Enchanted Forest in search of the girl where he encounters all sorts of characters from the best known fairy tales.

      I submitted this work to various literary agents in New York City and England.

      I only heard back from 3 of them.

      2 were form letters saying Thanks but no thanks and the third was a personally handwritten and signed note from an agent in England called Christopher Little (I remember the name because his first name was the same as mine and also because it said in the catalogue of literary agents I had that he specialized in the fantasy genre).

      He wrote an extremely nice note saying that he was very very very impressed with the synopsis and first 3 chapters I had sent him.

      He said that he’d genuinely love to represent me but that he had too much on his plate at the moment to take on another client.

      And then he closed the note by adding these words I’ll never forget,

      “I hope you don’t think I’m giving you the brush-off and trying to sound nice about it. I really really do think that you’re an exceptionally talented writer and I really would feel privileged to represent you in a heartbeat if I really didn’t have so much on my plate at the moment. Please don’t give up writing. I’m very positive that you will be published some day.”

      And he signed it,

      “Yours truly,
      Christopher Little”

      I felt exhilarated by that note.

      I remember the last paragraph in particular but sadly lost the note somewhere among the massive amount of books and documents that was my dad’s house (which I was forced to move out of in 2011 when I lost a legal battle with my sister over my dad’s Estate).

      I remember back in 2007 or 2008 reading an article on J.K. Rowling.

      The article quoted several of Rowling’s friends and acquaintances.

      I was sort of half-reading it going along and then it said, “According to J.K. Rowling’s literary agent Christopher Little…”

      Then I stopped.

      What the?…

      How many literary agents out there could there be named Christopher Little?

      And Harry Potter? That would definitely qualify as being in the fantasy genre.

      Boy when he said he had a lot on his plate, he really wasn’t kidding.

      It would be a full time job just representing Rowling alone.

      I very much regretted not knowing where I had put that personally handwritten and signed letter (I guess if someone who would have to be the caliber of a literary agent representing J.K. Rowling had personally handwrote and signed the letter, he really must have loved my work).

      So on days when I feel discouraged over not yet having any of my work published in book form, I remember two things:

      1) My dad’s last words on his death bed – “Don’t ever give up writing, Chris. Promise me you’ll never give up writing.”

      and 2). A personally handwritten and signed letter of praise and encouragement from the man who was the literary agent for one of the most successful writers of the past quarter of a century.

  3. Randstein said,

    This was irreverent satire at it’s best. Christopher Little and your father are correct. There is no reason to quit writing, only a reason to continue. I don’t think Monty Python could top you. In fact, I’m sure the Monty team would be a lasting fan of your writing as I am πŸ™‚ I’m not sure, but this could be a full monty to Angela and Hillary. I can’t wait until the US is progressive enough to elect a female porn star for president. At least the other world leaders would like us more. πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Thanks very much, Daniel. πŸ™‚

      LOL ! @ a full Monty moment for Angela and Hillary.

      To say nothing of a financial windfall as well as a major challenge for Beverly Hills plastic surgeons.

      Yes, here’s to electing a female porn star for President.

      If everyone is wearing their birthday suits in meetings in the Oval Office, there will be no wiping messy stains off blue dresses.

      Just a quick shower and all will be washed off.

      This will also be one U.S. President whose movies will probably be watched more times than that of another movie star President- Ronald Reagan.

      Bedtime For Everyone will replace Bedtime For Bonzo as the most watched Presidential movie.

      • Randstein said,

        Bwaaah haaaa haaaa! A return of interest in government by the people wouldn’t be a bad thing. Voter turn-out could be record breaking. Who cares if she is a Democrat or Republican as long as she is elected. Of course, I can just imagine the presidential edicts coming out of the oval office removing centuries of Puritan ruin from our souls and returning us to the roots of our government and civilization sprung from the loins and anal cleft of Ancient Greece after an evening of wine and nymphomania. What could the down side be? Oh, well….we may have to change the work hours to start later in the morning and then three hours off for lunch to attend carnal personal and business meetings. Again, I can’t see a down side. I am amused in a Snidely Whiplash sort of way while thinking of sweet Nell, our adult entertainer president, tied to the train tracks of government nocturnal emissions… Oh MY! I will pay good gold to see the movie. πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      And imposing a tax on paying to see this movie will wipe out the U.S. debt and deficit overnight.

      • Randstein said,

        I think if the gov paid a contractor $5 million to do a study to find out the precise level of tax that would be widely accepted as not too burdensome, we’d have our Shangri-la, Atlantis, and Elysium all rolled into one. Perhaps if the new prez held a press conference in her porn business attire and announced she needed money to induce more of her cohorts to join the cabinet, fill the Supreme Court and repopulate the postal offices across the land, every patriot would sign up to do their patriotic duty. Finally, the people would be bending over the gov instead of the other way around! I would simply expire from ecstasy if I learned her wardrobe was supplied by Ms. YaYa Han. Oh what a Kodak moment that would be. πŸ˜‰

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Indeed that would be a Kodak moment, Daniel my friend. πŸ™‚

      American Express could do a commercial that ends- “An inauguration where the American President looks like and wears the attire of Yaya Han- priceless!”.

      • Randstein said,

        My vote and dollar awaits. πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      I’ll have to start campaign fundraising then. πŸ™‚

      • Randstein said,

        It could only help and might even save the world from the scourge of fundamentalists with aching fuzzy fists.

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      America’s first female porn star President could offer the Russian and Iranian leaders detente as they’ve never been offered it before.

      And they’ll want to keep coming back for more.

      Finally world peace as a result of world piece (of tail).

      • Randstein said,

        I have it on good intel that Mr. Putin can’t resist a bawdy girl in a fabulous cosplay chambermaid outfit. Not such a coupling of power has taken place since Cleopatra and half of Rome’s leadership. It would be historical on an epic scale. πŸ™‚ Perhaps the next scandal would be suspicious stains on the Ayatollah’s Shamaugh. That will teach him to stand back while Putin dominates the west.

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      So it will be Putin dominating the West instead of vice-versa eh?

      Perhaps America’s first female porn star better be Akira Lane then since she once said in an interview that her favourite past time is being spanked on the bare bottom.

      • Randstein said,

        Yes, Of Course! The only way to control a despot is to make them think they are in control. If only we could interview Mark Antony.

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      LOL ! @ interviewing Mark Antony!

      Do you know what Antony said when he was in the Roman bath house with his friends and he told them about his first reaction upon seeing Cleopatra?

      Answer: Oh, what a rise was there, my countrymen…

      • Randstein said,

        Ha ha ha! Those Romans were quite the amorous bunch. I wonder what they put in the wine back then? And did they know to seek medical attention if the wine’s effect lasted more than 4 hours. I read where doctors weren’t really sure what to do, then word got out to stock pictures of Hillary with her come hither look. It appears record deflations happened everywhere this technique was used.

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      LOL ! πŸ˜€

  4. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Reblogged this on Dracul Van Helsing and commented:

    One of my readers commented tonight that he hopes Pan Goatee never visits Montana. I mentioned a few years ago, I wrote a chapter where Pan Goatee is interviewed on a TV show in Great Falls, Montana. And here it is:

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