Renfield Still Seeing Stars On Trek

August 21, 2015 at 6:03 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Still Seeing Stars On Trek

Renfield R. Renfield was still busy bitching to Amadeus Emanon about the fact that a few nights earlier, he was having an extremely pleasant dream about being in a Turkish steam bath with three vivacious female porn stars when suddenly Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster entered his dream and entered the Turkish steam bath wearing a firefighter heat protection suit specially designed for lobsters and pinched him on the rear end with his lobster claws to get him out of the steam bath.

“Why would Michelangelo do that?” Amadeus asked as he dipped three Turkish Delight candies into some tangy and spicy shrimp cocktail sauce and ate them.

“Because I was to go to another space/time dimension to locate the whereabouts of some AI cybrid psychic cyborg they call the Black Dragon Master,” Renfield blew steam through his ears setting off the smoke alarm in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

“And did you find the Black Dragon Master?” Amadeus was grateful for the ceiling sprinkler’s sudden downpour of water as it cooled off the extremely hot and spicy taste of his Cajun/Mexican/Thai/Korean Barbeque Lobster Sandwich that he was eating.

“Yes, I found him in an Irish brothel in Dublin,” Renfield seemed to recall rather fondly.

“As opposed to an Irish brothel in Beijing,” Amadeus downed a two litre bottle of water.

The mansion’s butler and valet Athelstan appeared in the living room wearing a post-nuclear apocalypse radioactive protection firefighter suit and carrying a hose to put out the fire.

“That’s all right, Athelstan,” Amadeus waved him off, “there’s really no fire.”

Athelstan left the room swearing in ancient Egyptian a language he was learning in an on-line educational course in an effort to better understand the words his boss and master Set mumbled in his sleep in his sarcophagus.

“I hear those AI cybrid psychic cyborgs are able to communicate telepathically,” Amadeus cracked open his fortune cookie.

“This one had temporarily lost his ability to communicate telepathically after he had used his long forgotten sense of taste to study and research the remnants of an ancient beer brewery in Bavaria that had apparently been frequented by a pair of drunken otters back in the early 21st Century,” Renfield explained.

“Isn’t that our own time?” Amadeus checked the date on his new Apple watch.

“Yes, but it was ancient history to this AI cybrid psychic cyborg in the future,” Renfield played with his Ancient Macedonian sword that had once belonged to Alexander The Great.

“So how did he communicate with you?” Amadeus used his iPhone to order more Chinese take-out food.

“He spoke to me in the most god-awful voice,” Renfield shuddered and shivered, “the most sinister voice I ever encountered.”

“Did he sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger the killer robot from the future in The Terminator?” Amadeus tried his best Austrian accent.

“Worse,” Renfield swallowed from his bottle of 21-year-old Port and was grateful that he wasn’t reading any humourous blog posts on the Net at that moment, “he sounded like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone and a Transylvanian transvestite transexual cross-dresser.”

“Sounds like the Rocky Horror Picture Show all over again,” Amadeus spilled rice all over the floor.

“Well I certainly am not doing the fucking Time Warp again,” Renfield recalled that aspect of his dream with sheer terror.

“What happened?” Amadeus got down on his knees to pick up the rice

“As soon as Mr. Sulu hit warp speed on the U.S.S. Enterprise to return us to our own space/time dimension, I was jilted forward with such velocity that my testicles were actually transported right up to the back molars of my mouth,” Renfield recalled with some trepidation, “I could have become the first person in recorded history to give myself my own blow jobs.”

“Well,” Amadeus noted, “from that pic of Ron Jeremy you had left frozen on your computer screen a few nights ago before you went to bed to have that dream, I think he could easily give himself his own blow jobs judging from what I saw.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 14th
2015.

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The Kings of West and East

August 19, 2015 at 7:44 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Poetry) (, , )

The Kings of West and East

The kings of west and east
play a game of war and peace
and World War III Rises
like leaven above yeast

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Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

August 18, 2015 at 7:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.

Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, “do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?”.

As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who was helping himself to an 8 armsload of kosher hot dogs from a kosher hot dogs vendor on the beach.

The protesting kosher hots dog vendor found himself lifted and thrown into the water by one of the Kraken’s robotic metallic hook tentacles.

“What a pain in the ass!” The vendor shouted as the salt water licked the wounds of the spot where the metallic hooked tentacles had grabbed him.

Having eaten and then belched and then scratching his stomach (thankful that he no longer had to wear a belt), the Kraken headed off the beach and off in the direction of downtown Tel Aviv.

“Where are you going?” Medusa floated in the air alongside him.

“Finding myself a skateboard park,” said the Kraken, “I want to learn how to skateboard.”

“Okay,” said Medusa, “I hope you don’t mind if I spend some time shopping in Tel Aviv’s fashion district.”

“No, go ahead,” the Kraken shrugged his tentacles.

Unlike the former Bruce Jenner, Napoleon VI was one guy who didn’t really enjoy shopping for women’s clothing.

Napoleon VI had decided while doing the backstroke across the Mediterranean to go to Tel Aviv to learn to skateboard.

The reason? He felt compelled to go to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem for some reason.

An inner voice told him that there was a cavern underneath the Temple Mount that led to an underground sea deep under the mountain.

This underground sea stretched far and wide and connected with the currently underwater Garden of Eden at the head of the Persian Gulf where the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers flow into the sea.

The Kraken resolved to go to Jerusalem, go up the Temple Mount, find the underground cavern leading to the underground sea, swim to the undersea Garden of Eden, strangle the Cherubim sentinels with his robotic metallic hooked tentacles, and use the memory of his martial arts skills to use his 8 arms to do battle with the flaming sword that turned every which way while guarding the Tree of Life.

He would then eat the fruit of the Tree of Life so that he could live forever.

A back-up plan just on the off-chance that the Transhumanist scientific theories he subscribed to that he could make himself immortal by uploading his consciousness into a cyborg/ biological creature hybrid turned out to be wrong.

Of course for a great scientific genius like himself, he knew that was virtually impossible.

Still that one question about ethics in the practice of science on his final year of Undergraduate exams at Cambridge University had really tripped him up.

It blew his chances of getting a perfect score on that test.

So he realized it was better to be safe than dead.

Hence his desire to use the Jerusalem Temple Mount underground corridor to use the underground sea to reach the underwater Garden of Eden and eat of the fruit of the Tree of Life so he could live forever.

Just as California mass murderer Charles Manson believed that the Beatles’ song Helter Skelter was a prophecy of a coming race war in the United States (which may finally be coming true in 2015 thanks to trigger happy cops), so the Kraken Napoleon VI believed that the Beatles’ song An Octopus’ Garden In The Shade was a prophecy of his (the Kraken’s) finding the Garden of Eden under the sea.

So what did any of this have to do with his desire to learn to skateboard?

Well, the thought occurred to him that when he landed on the beaches of Tel Aviv, people might become suspicious if they noticed an 8 armed octopus with robotic metallic hooks on its tentacles walk from Tel Aviv to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

They probably wouldn’t be as suspicious of Medusa now that she no longer sported snakes for curls in her hair.

Of course Medusa being a witch did have the power to glide inches above water and inches above the ground.

Still most Israelis would probably just think she was a woman who had successfully mastered Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s Transcendental Meditation technique of yogic flying, the Kraken reflected, as the Beatles song The Fool On The Hill played from the radio of a Tel Aviv Chinese grocery store he passed on the street.

After all if a rock and roll slut like Madonna could claim to be a practitioner of Kabbalah, then surely an ex-Gorgon could be accepted as a yogic flying adept?

As for himself, the Kraken Napoleon VI figured that if he skateboarded all the way from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem’s Temple Mount, he wouldn’t be mistaken for such an oddity.

The Kraken found a Tel Aviv skateboard park.

The park was instantly cleared of hundreds of skateboarders for some reason when the 8 armed giant cyborg octopus Kraken made his appearance on the concrete.

One long haired heavy metal singer headbanger looking skateboarder who had fallen off his skateboard when the Kraken made his appearance was still lying dazed on the pavement when Napoleon VI pointed one of his cyborg hooked tentacle arms at him, “You.”

“Please,” the skateboarder pleaded, “I gave at the office.”

“And I gave at the sexually transmitted diseases clinic when I was human,” the Kraken shook his head, “I want you to teach me how to skateboard.”

One thing the skateboarder had learned in his young life was when an 8 armed octopus with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles asks you to teach him how to skateboard, you don’t argue.

Within a couple of hours, the cyborg octopus Kraken had turned into a master skateboarder the same way an expert fisherman who spends his nights alone on a fishing boat turns into a master baiter.

Having completed his lesson, the Kraken grabbed the young headbanger’s skateboard and thanking him for both the lesson and the skateboard, he doffed his Napoleon Bonaparte style hat to him and bid him adieu.

“You’re welcome,” the young skateboarder supposed he should be grateful that he got away with his life intact but still, he reflected, that had been a darn expensive skateboard.

A Hezbollah suicide bomber (who had arrived in Tel Aviv clandestinely by sea on the orders of Barack Obama’s new bosom bum buddies the despotic mullahs of Iran) blew himself up prematurely when he saw the 8 armed cyborg octopus Kraken with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles skate by on his skateboard that bore the image of reggae singer Bob Marley.

The Islamist terrorist was thus the only casualty of his premature detonation.

The skateboarding Kraken caught up with the beautiful Medusa just as she was leaving one of Tel Aviv’s most exclusive ladies’ fashion stores.

She was carrying dozens of shopping bags.

“Here carry these for me, will you,” she threw the shopping bags into the Kraken’s 8 arms as she started to glide above the ground.

“Me?” The Kraken almost fell off his skateboard under the weight of all those shopping bags.

“Well,” Medusa reached into her Gucci purse and brought out a compact mirror and hairbrush and started brushing her lovely snakeless hair, “you’ve got 8 arms, I’ve only got two.”

“How am I suppose to maneuver on this skateboard carrying all these bags all the way to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem?” The Kraken demanded to know.

“I’m sure you’ll find a way to manage,” Medusa pressed her fingers to her lips in thoughtful contemplation, “I wonder if I should pick up a few extra pairs of pantyhose?”.

“I hope we don’t get spotted by any other Krakens on the way there,” Napoleon VI sighed, “otherwise they’re going to think I’m a real sissy.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
August 1st to 17th
2015.

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Haiku About Severus Snape

August 17, 2015 at 6:48 pm (Literature, Movies, Poetry) (, , , )

Haiku About Severus Snape

He’s Severus Snape
misunderstood thought evil
but hero in end

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Haiku About The Chameleon

August 16, 2015 at 6:38 pm (Commentary, Nature, Poetry, Politics) (, , , )

Haiku About The Chameleon

He can change his shape
in nature or politics
latter is the worse

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Haiku About Raymond Red Reddington

August 15, 2015 at 6:49 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Poetry, Television, TV Shows) (, , , )

Haiku About Raymond Red Reddington

Ray “Red” Reddington
outwits enemies with flair
better Red than dead

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Haiku About The Otter In Water

August 14, 2015 at 10:46 pm (Comedy, Fantasy, Humour, Nature, Poetry) (, , )

Haiku About The Otter In Water

Otter in water
with a beer drinking problem
cause thinking problem

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Jekyll and Hyde: Shadows Come To Light – A Haiku

August 13, 2015 at 7:50 pm (Commentary, Horror, Literature, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Poetry, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , )

Jekyll and Hyde: Shadows Come To Light – A Haiku

Henry hides dark self
When Edward comes out to play
Then there’s Hell to pay

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Tiger and Ambos: A Day In The Woods

August 12, 2015 at 6:44 pm (Life, Nature, Poetry) (, , , )

Tiger and Ambos: A Day In The Woods

Tiger was an orange ginger coloured tabby cat
not the animal that dentists would use for a mat
Ambos was a black Labrador
who eats steak at the table
and not on the floor.

Tiger suggested a walk in the woods
like folks did in days that were Robin Hood’s
Ambos looked at Tiger rather oddly
And looking at the table
seeing no blessed steak that tasted so godly
decided to join his companion for a walk
And as they walked, neither one did talk.

Tiger contemplated the world as he walked
Ambos noticed a bird so he stopped and gawked
Tiger carried with him a volume of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations
while Ambos occasionally stopped to sniff the ground and sniff the vegetations.

In his other paw, Tiger carried a small laptop
Back at the cottage, Sherrie said, “I can’t find my laptop! Oh sop!”

They stopped in a meadow and Tiger sat down to blog
Ambos tried to drink the last of the morning fog
Tiger suddenly noticed a marker on the ground
so on his feline legs he did bound
And went over to look at the marker
while Ambos settled for being a barker
But this was no circus
but there was a clown
As Tiger studied the sign with a frown.

Here, the marker read, lies Yorick, Chief Clown To Hamlet Prince of Denmark
While in the forest could be heard the singing of a lark.
Shouted Tiger with glee
as Ambos lifted his leg on a tree,
There really are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Ambos.
The black Lab had no idea what his furry feline friend was talking about as he sat and licked his toes.

Suddenly a bone came out of the ground
a piece of Yorick minus the sound
Ambos noticed the bone
and leapt like yuppy to iPhone
He swallowed the bone amidst much crunching
causing Tiger to lose his tuna fish lunching

Ambos, what have you done, Tiger cried,
Had Hamlet seen the spectacle, he’d have surely died.
You’ve eaten the bone of a great Danish clown!
Indeed he had! And Ambos told puns all the way to town.

For Ambos had eaten the clown’s funny bone
And for the rest of his life, he told puns that caused many to moan.

-A narrative poem
about Sherrie’s pets
Tiger and Ambos
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 12th
2015.

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Amadeus’ Dream of Three Bruces

August 11, 2015 at 6:39 pm (Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus’ Dream of Three Bruces

Despite Black Dragon Society conspiracy theorist Daniel Hyperion Sturm’s warnings about not using the Internet before bedtime, Amadeus Emanon had foolishly done so.

And as a result, he was having weird dreams.

Though of course not as weird as Renfield in the bedroom adjacent across the hall who likewise had been using the Internet before bedtime and was now dreaming about being in a Turkish steam bath with porn stars Akira Lane, Nicole Oring and Mika Tan.

Amadeus was dreaming that he and Renfield were sitting in the living room listening to BBC World News on the radio.

BBC Announcer: And those were the words of Miss Caitlyn Jenner, formerly Mr. Bruce Jenner, christening the new Disney cruise ship The Goddess Cybele… In other news, Caitlyn Jenner’s daughter Kylie Jenner has apparently adopted a pet rabbit and named it Bruce.

Amadeus: Wow. I wonder what Sigmund Freud would have to say about that?

Renfield (downing a bottle of Kraken black rum): It might have been more ominous if she had named the rabbit Elektra or Orestes.

BBC Announcer: This bulletin just in… Kylie Jenner has taken her pet rabbit Bruce to see a New Age veterinary guru in Beverly Hills who claims she has the power to communicate telepathically with animals. After silently communicating with the gray rabbit Bruce, New Age guru Miss Kellog S. Flakes said that Bruce had told her that he was really a female rabbit trapped in a male body and that he wanted to undergo veterinary transgender therapy, become a female rabbit, change his/her name to Caitlyn and become the Playboy bunny he/she always desired to be…

Renfield (spewing the Kraken black rum out of his mouth to the goldfish tank on the other side of the room making the goldfish look a lot happier): Good God.

BBC Announcer: Closer to home here in London, the ghost of Scotland’s extremely late King Robert the Bruce spoke to reporters while being channeled through Carnaby Street spiritist gypsy medium Dulcinea Lucia…

Voice of Scotland’s Robert The Bruce (speaking in a thick Scottish brogue while being channeled through Dulcinea Lucia) : Well as you know, we Scots in our day (although there’s nothing wee about us) used to wear kilts much of the time so nobody could have possibly guessed that I was in fact a cross-dresser… a female trapped in a male body. If William Wallace had known, he’d have probably personally impaled his braveheart on Edward I’s English sword…

BBC Announcer: Robert the Bruce added that from henceforth, he desires to be known as Roberta the Caitlyn…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 11th
2015.

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