Renfield’s Annoyingly Bad Joke

August 7, 2015 at 6:50 pm (Humour, Jokes, Nature, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Annoyingly Bad Joke

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were sitting at the kitchen table having just finished a meal of steak, mashed potatoes and gravy.

Renfield belched loudly in succession without ever once saying “Excuse me” which was his usual post-dinner commentary on the state of the world.

On the table was a coconut cream pie for dessert later when their meals had been fully digested.

After belching, Renfield leaned back in his chair, put his feet up on the table and put his thumbs under his suspenders (for he was feeling in a Larry King fashion kind of mood today).

“You know,” Renfield grinned as he picked his teeth with his toothpick that he had carved in the shape of a Faberge micro egg sized minuscule miniature banjo, “I’ve just thought up my own joke.”

“Oh,” Amadeus grimaced for Renfield coming up with his own joke never ended well.

“Yes,” Renfield belched again for full dramatic effect, “would you like to hear it?”.

“You’ll tell it to me anyways,” Amadeus sighed.

“Here it is,” Renfield twiddled his thumbs under his suspenders, “how does a lioness get her cubs to behave?”.

“How does a lioness get her cubs to behave?” Amadeus pondered the question for an infinitely shorter space of time than Pythagoras pondered his theorem, “I have absolutely no idea.”

“She says to them,” Renfield grinned, “if you don’t stop misbehaving, I’m going to take you to see the dentist.”

Amadeus buried his head in his hands.

“Bwahahahahaha,” Renfield laughed in annoyingly Norman Newmanesque fashion at his own joke.

Amadeus picked up the cream pie on the table and shoved it into Renfield’s face.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 7th


  1. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    Oh no, poor Renfield… Just as I was getting fond of him (I have a thing for the underdog), he goes on to tell this joke. Awwwwkward!

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Yes, poor Renfield has now found himself in the same unenviable position as the hero of that Bee Gees song… he’s started a joke that’s started the whole world crying.

  2. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    Ha! I laughed! 😛
    BTW: I have movie recommendation for you…
    “What We Do in the Shadows”…funniest movie I’ve seen in years! You should watch it! 🙂
    HUGS!!! 🙂

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      What We Do In The Shadows eh?

      Funny, I haven’t heard of that one.

      The only movies we seem to see advertised in Vancouver are action packed remakes of old TV shows (Mission Impossible, The Man From UNCLE etc.) or Superhero movies (Fantastic Four, Avengers etc.).

      You wouldn’t think they make any other genres of movies these days judging from the commercials, trailers and previews.

      • doesitevenmatter3 said,

        Google it! It’s a “documentary” (Ha! more like a mockumentary) about 4 vampire friends. 😛 I think it was made in New Zealand. I rented it. I enjoy foreign films and old films more than “blockbuster” “popular” films.

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        Yes, my favourite movie channel is TCM- Turner Classic Movies.

  3. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    wah hahaha … What a joke that was! Love Renfield. hahaha …
    I wonder if Pan Goatee has any weird jokes himself? I would want to know. He seem to be all serious. 😛

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Yes, I think Pan Goatee got the serious side of Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s DNA cocktail mix when he created the world’s first satyr since ancient times.

      On the other hand, I think he threw a funny bone into the DNA cocktail mix when he created the world’s first genetically created shape shifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield. 😀

  4. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    Oh, I wonder where can one find a funny bone? I would want to give it to my black Lab. He needs to be funny but he looks the more odd at our face everytime we speak. buah hahaha …. LOL

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Yes, a funny bone for Ambos. 😀

      That would actually make a good title for a poem or book or film- A Funny Bone For Ambos. 🙂

      So Ambos just looks at you oddly whenever you speak to him- LOL ! 🙂

      Maybe he’s wanting you to put some black rum in his dish- LOL ! 😛

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        I always speak to Ambos since he was a pup. He likes it when I talk when him when we are alone at home. And while I walk with him or he with me in the woods, I speak to him and he wiggle his tail whenever he does not understand me. Now, that is funny of Ambos!

        Oh, speaking on Ambos, this early morning around five I did jogging in the hills and it was really bright. But something odd walking in the woods, I guess, because a few times Ambos would stop and his ears pricked, and he starts to growl in a very low nasty grumbling sound. It hell scares me but we keep on jogging forward until we reach the open field. There were few hunters we met and they saw us.

        I don’t know them, but they were investigating two dead cows whose stomach were torn apart by some kind of a giant animal. But according to one of them, none is a sign of either bear attack, nor a wolf – not even a dog. It scares the shit out of them because they know not what that creature is …

        Uh, there are few odd stories of haunted woods with unknown creatures in Bayern forest since in the beginning.

        I told my husband this morning when I joined him for breakfast and he said, “Ok. I’ll buy you few more dangerous dogs then. Which one you want? Rotweiler or the Bull dog?” I had to smack his shoulders a few times because I told him it is not funny. But then I realized he really mean it to buy another 2 dogs for me. 😛

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        I imagine though the noble Ambos would probably defend you if some animal or other creature tried to harm you.

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        Indeed he is and he did. He saved me once from a drunken man who grabbed me while I did jogging in the woods. He thought me being alone and I was defenseless. Didn’t see him coming and he hide himself behind the trees. He hit me with a branch right down below my neck and hit my collar bone, managed to cracked it. I know it cracks because I heard the strange sound in my body when the branch hit me right there … That was painful and awfully terribly painful. I was numb from the pain and he took that advantage to pull one of leg down into the bush and had my head hit one of the roots.

        I remembered the fear I felt at that time, feeling so helpless and I was angry with myself because I was not alert of this and I was careless of my surrounding. I hit my head a few times from some kind of small branches and plants.

        My vision were blurred and he tried to rip off my jogging sweater. I bit and scratched him hard and he strangled me almost managing to choke me. I know tears ran down my face and I felt my whole face and neck were wet from it and I can smell blood somewhere. I know I was injured.

        Everything went so fast that he managed even to break two of rib bones as well and he smelt horribly of sweat and alcohol. I cannot really see his face because my vision were totally blur after he hit me with the branch and I can hear only a vigorous breathing of that man.

        It was not long when I heard a loud and low growling of an animal not far ahead a few metres from my head. The creature snarled and snapping at the man, warning him and growling and then came the attack. I heard the man screamed and a terribly struggle of him being gnawed alive by the animal.

        Odd was, I was not afraid because I felt to weak to feel anything and helped myself to sit and leaned on one of the tree. At that moment, I gave up to fate on what will happen next and I was even ready to die … The thought was, if that animal (whatever it is) will come for me, then that’s it – I accepted that my death will be in the hand of that of that creature.

        As I predicted, the creature returns to where I was and for a second my vision got clearer bit by bit just to realized it was a wolf. Skinny, grey and tall – a wolf and I remembered the dark eyes watching me and I start to speak to it, telling it that I do harm, nor do I cross his territory. It stares at me and came close a few times, checking on me as if it re-consider of what to do with my presence there. But it came as close as possible that I can hear its hot breathing on my neck and I didn’t move an inch. I keep calm and trying my best not show it my fear or giving the creature a threatening sort of feeling … It lick my face for a second and it left me there.

        I remembered it stood among the tall grasses and the bushes, staring back at me for a second before it leave the place … I said thank you to it and it went.

        At the hospital, I remembered my husband’s cries in silent as he hold my hand as I was sedated by the doctor to go to sleep and numb the pain, he thought he would or could’ve lose me there.

        I was angry at myself because I do martial arts and that was a close incident that might scars me for life or I may have been killed …

        This is one of the reason why my brother was willing to give in Ambos to me. It freaks him out that day and he came to stay with us for 2 weeks.

        But never hold me down that I won’t go into the woods alone and I was not scare of the world either …

        And since then, Ambos has always been on my side when we go to the woods. Never alone again. *sigh*

      • draculvanhelsing said,


        What a terrifying experience at the hands of that drunken sexual predator.

        That gray wolf most likely saved you.

        The creature sniffed you and probably realized that you weren’t a threat.

        That you were not to be harmed.

        That you were a special child of God.

        Unlike the drunken asshole that he had just bitten and attacked.

        Remember that white wolf with the blue eyes who decided that you were a fellow wolf since you seemed to howl as well as he did.

        I guess wild creatures sense that you’re an angel in human form and not to be harmed.

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        For half and a year I did not go out of the house because of that incident. It took me my whole strength and mentality to fight the fear of facing the crowds and people. I trained my martial more intensively than before like a mad woman. It worries my husband.

        Then, came my brother with his black Lab – not only that in his apartment pets are not allowed, but he has the idea to bring Ambos to our place as it is a perfect place for a dog to live and roam about the place as well. Ambos is a well-trained dog for the blind, actually, but my brother took him in and adopted him.

        Since then he had live with us nearly the 10 years of his live. Now, Ambos near the 13 year of his life – he is getting older but still running with me to the woods, everyday. It is also one way to make sure he stays fit.

        And speaking on that experience, I had moments of fear when facing some drunken men. I try to avoid every facing the same street with them. I told the kids the same thing that they should avoid such people, men or women who are in such condition.

        Took me 3-4 months to heal my two broken ribs and it still hurt from time to time. I always notice of this pain when I do some trainings or even simple housework. It is a reminder of that past but I won’t be defeated by such …

        I try my best to stay on the safe side – even when I am in the woods.

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        That’s an awful thing to have happened to you.

        I’m so sorry, my friend.

  5. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    I wrote it wrong up there. Sorry, Chris. That was the wolf. Not Ambos.
    Ambos came later. 🙂

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      The gray wolf came to defend you. 🙂

      And now Ambos is your defender. 🙂

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        Oh, yes, you reminded on that white wolf with the blue eyes, yes, indeed … There is an old Red Indian man here, who was before in the army, never return to the US anymore; got married to another native lady who also migrated to Germany so many years ago …

        He lives just a few houses down the hill nearing the river and the lavender field. He is also a dog trainer and a Math teacher (he still do). He is nearing his 70 now and he is such a very wise man I have ever met.

        My children love him and called him even as “Grandpa” because he is that so typical grandfather type of guy. He love to smoke and still lives like he is living on the earth forever! LOL 😛

        When I told him the story of the white wolf, he laughed at first and then he got serious. He said, to his people, the wolf can be both kind of the good and of bad creature as well. He believes I have a strong spiritual connection with the white wolf and he is the leader of the pack in that park.

        I go there like every 2 weeks, passing by with my bicycle and spending 2 hours time sitting closer to the fence to watch and be with them. It seems the pack get used to my presence there and they trusted me. The park ranger saw me facing the white wolf eye to eye while I sit knelt on the ground, having straight eye contact with the creature itself. For a moment we were intact in one spiritual mind and heart, as if I can feel him very strongly telling me that we are one as friends. But the fence is one thing that parted us. I really love that creature.

        For this reason why I always dream wanting to adopt a husky. I will see if I adopt one the next year.

        Who knows of what that grey wolf is thinking or felt when he saw me there … It is simply one magical moment to be able to in contact with the wilderness … a creature created from the hands of God … 🙂

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        I love Native American Indian elders. 🙂

        They are so full of wisdom.

        I’m glad the gray wolf was there to save you. 🙂

        Just out of curiosity was the white wolf with blue eyes your inspiration for the character of Ivan l’ Antique de Chalon whose hair was so thoroughly blonde that it was white and his deep set luminous blue eyes?

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