Amadeus’ Dream of Three Bruces

August 11, 2015 at 6:39 pm (Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus’ Dream of Three Bruces

Despite Black Dragon Society conspiracy theorist Daniel Hyperion Sturm’s warnings about not using the Internet before bedtime, Amadeus Emanon had foolishly done so.

And as a result, he was having weird dreams.

Though of course not as weird as Renfield in the bedroom adjacent across the hall who likewise had been using the Internet before bedtime and was now dreaming about being in a Turkish steam bath with porn stars Akira Lane, Nicole Oring and Mika Tan.

Amadeus was dreaming that he and Renfield were sitting in the living room listening to BBC World News on the radio.

BBC Announcer: And those were the words of Miss Caitlyn Jenner, formerly Mr. Bruce Jenner, christening the new Disney cruise ship The Goddess Cybele… In other news, Caitlyn Jenner’s daughter Kylie Jenner has apparently adopted a pet rabbit and named it Bruce.

Amadeus: Wow. I wonder what Sigmund Freud would have to say about that?

Renfield (downing a bottle of Kraken black rum): It might have been more ominous if she had named the rabbit Elektra or Orestes.

BBC Announcer: This bulletin just in… Kylie Jenner has taken her pet rabbit Bruce to see a New Age veterinary guru in Beverly Hills who claims she has the power to communicate telepathically with animals. After silently communicating with the gray rabbit Bruce, New Age guru Miss Kellog S. Flakes said that Bruce had told her that he was really a female rabbit trapped in a male body and that he wanted to undergo veterinary transgender therapy, become a female rabbit, change his/her name to Caitlyn and become the Playboy bunny he/she always desired to be…

Renfield (spewing the Kraken black rum out of his mouth to the goldfish tank on the other side of the room making the goldfish look a lot happier): Good God.

BBC Announcer: Closer to home here in London, the ghost of Scotland’s extremely late King Robert the Bruce spoke to reporters while being channeled through Carnaby Street spiritist gypsy medium Dulcinea Lucia…

Voice of Scotland’s Robert The Bruce (speaking in a thick Scottish brogue while being channeled through Dulcinea Lucia) : Well as you know, we Scots in our day (although there’s nothing wee about us) used to wear kilts much of the time so nobody could have possibly guessed that I was in fact a cross-dresser… a female trapped in a male body. If William Wallace had known, he’d have probably personally impaled his braveheart on Edward I’s English sword…

BBC Announcer: Robert the Bruce added that from henceforth, he desires to be known as Roberta the Caitlyn…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 11th



  1. Randstein said,

    Chris, I spit my 21 year old Balvenie Portwood scotch across the room reading this. Hilarious. maybe it’s okay to use the internet before bed if it produces such entertaining adventures with Renfield R Renfield and Amadeus. I believe Renfield is better at channeling the internet in his dreams. Enjoyed this. πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      It appears all sorts of alcohol are spraying across the room these days, Daniel. πŸ˜€

      Yes, I think I’d have preferred to be in Renfield’s dream rather than Amadeus’ as well. πŸ™‚

      • Randstein said,

        Honestly, I felt ridiculous. I know better than to read your blog with my mouth full. I need to be more mindful next time. The screen on my laptop is easy to clean but the keyboard is an exercise in futility. The only good thing is, Balvenie scotch smells really good for a couple of days. πŸ™‚

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        I guess your laptop keyboard will smell heavenly the next couple of days. πŸ™‚

        Of course you better smell your keyboard with only yourself in the room.

        Otherwise someone might take a pic and post it all over the Internet.

        There may be a caption appearing like “Oliver the Otter had a few friends who sniffed glue but he was at a complete loss to explain to his family what his creative writing classmate was up to in this incriminating photograph.” πŸ˜€

  2. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    This got a snort-laugh outa’ me, Chris! I have always loved how you use current events and pop culture and history and etc and weave it all into an entertaining tail…er…tale! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›
    HUGS!!! πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Thanks Carolyn. πŸ™‚

      Here’s a toast (a full glass of martini spraying to the other side of the room) to entertaining tails. πŸ˜€

  3. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    Oh my πŸ˜€

    A steam bath sounds like a nightmare more suited to Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster…

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Yes, Nicholas.

      As far as Turkish steam baths go, one genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human’s wet dream is another genetically created psychic lobster’s worst nightmare. πŸ˜€

      • Nicholas C. Rossis said,

        Now, there’s a phrase I never thought I’d read… πŸ˜€

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        LOL !

        Welcome to the blog where new aphorisms are created with each new blog post. πŸ˜€

  4. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    wah hahahaha … I cannot stop laughing. The name you use such as Kellog S. Flakes, reminded me of Kellogs and Cereal, and Oats.

    And ehem, ehem! You know porn stars??? hehehe …

    Renfield is funny. He spit out the strong drink across the room. Wow … and in style, with the gold fish happy in the tank. Too much of the Kranken rum – are you sure it is not Kranken black pee in the sea at the South Pacific Island? LOL πŸ˜›

    And poor William Wallace – he is so out of date with HIS history and now, the world of are under the feet of Caitlyn Jenner with Kardashian’s booty sitting on the throne.

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      LOL !

      Glad you enjoyed it, Sherrie! πŸ™‚

      Yes, it was from Kellog’s Corn Flakes that I came up with the name Kellog S. Flakes.

      I was implying in my choice of name that she was somewhat flaky like most most Beverly Hills New Age gurus are. πŸ˜€

      Yes, as for knowing porn stars, lol ! Akira Lane used to have a blog at a blogging site I was at and she started following me.

      When I went to check out her blog briefly, it mentioned that she was an actress.

      So I said to my dad, “Hey Dad, an actress is following my blog.”

      He said at the dinner table, “Great. What sort of movies is she in?”.

      I said I didn’t know but I’d google her name.

      I got a surprise when I did.

      I never mentioned the subject to my dad again and mercifully he forgot about it.

      Mika Tan and Nicole Oring were a couple of co-stars in some of her films.

      Still I suppose she must have been an intelligent porn star to like my vampire novel.

      Yes, Kraken black pee which is how Daniel said they made black rum was where I got the idea for Renfield’s drink from. πŸ˜€

      Yes, poor William Wallace.

      The world is no longer impressed by bravehearts but big butts.

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        wah hahaha … I had once a call girl as a blogger friend. But is not only wayyyy so smart than other women, she is the bravest one who speaks out on her blog … “I have sex phone calls with all your husbands. Don’t blame me! I have the phone and so the male call!” wah hahahaha … Gosh … and I asked her if my husband one of them and she said, “If he did, should I kick his ass for that?” LOL πŸ˜›

        But sadly, many people bullied and mobbed her site although she done nothing pornographic in her blogs. She writes normal stuffs like we do and what an intelligent mind she has. Just that she is a very poor girl who has 2 kids to feed and her husband is condemned to a wheel chair for more than 12 years after the car accident.

        By day she work as a secretary and in the late evening she do the call girl job. Plus the weekend she do the go-go dance poll thing at a famous club somewhere in Dublin.

        But her courage to raise up her kids are the best and she is couragable person I have ever get to learned. After that site was closed due to bankruptcy (like many unfortunate blogging sites) I have never hear of her anymore …

        LOL And did you father knew later what actress she was or is? …

        Oh, Daniel is as crazy as you! And now, he has an Otter friend ruling his blog at the time being. Otter down! Being hit! wah hahaha …

        Bravehearts are history! Out of date!

        And now … it is BOOTY TIME! πŸ˜€

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        Yes, many women are forced into prostitution in order to support themselves.

        Yes, it’s sad about William Wallace.

        True bravehearts and heroes are rare in the world.

        Maybe that’s because the world prefers big booties to bravehearts and heroism.

        Yes, speaking of crazy Blogoteers, I’ve just written and posted that poem about Tiger and Ambos. πŸ˜€

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