Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

August 18, 2015 at 7:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.

Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, “do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?”.

As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who was helping himself to an 8 armsload of kosher hot dogs from a kosher hot dogs vendor on the beach.

The protesting kosher hots dog vendor found himself lifted and thrown into the water by one of the Kraken’s robotic metallic hook tentacles.

“What a pain in the ass!” The vendor shouted as the salt water licked the wounds of the spot where the metallic hooked tentacles had grabbed him.

Having eaten and then belched and then scratching his stomach (thankful that he no longer had to wear a belt), the Kraken headed off the beach and off in the direction of downtown Tel Aviv.

“Where are you going?” Medusa floated in the air alongside him.

“Finding myself a skateboard park,” said the Kraken, “I want to learn how to skateboard.”

“Okay,” said Medusa, “I hope you don’t mind if I spend some time shopping in Tel Aviv’s fashion district.”

“No, go ahead,” the Kraken shrugged his tentacles.

Unlike the former Bruce Jenner, Napoleon VI was one guy who didn’t really enjoy shopping for women’s clothing.

Napoleon VI had decided while doing the backstroke across the Mediterranean to go to Tel Aviv to learn to skateboard.

The reason? He felt compelled to go to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem for some reason.

An inner voice told him that there was a cavern underneath the Temple Mount that led to an underground sea deep under the mountain.

This underground sea stretched far and wide and connected with the currently underwater Garden of Eden at the head of the Persian Gulf where the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers flow into the sea.

The Kraken resolved to go to Jerusalem, go up the Temple Mount, find the underground cavern leading to the underground sea, swim to the undersea Garden of Eden, strangle the Cherubim sentinels with his robotic metallic hooked tentacles, and use the memory of his martial arts skills to use his 8 arms to do battle with the flaming sword that turned every which way while guarding the Tree of Life.

He would then eat the fruit of the Tree of Life so that he could live forever.

A back-up plan just on the off-chance that the Transhumanist scientific theories he subscribed to that he could make himself immortal by uploading his consciousness into a cyborg/ biological creature hybrid turned out to be wrong.

Of course for a great scientific genius like himself, he knew that was virtually impossible.

Still that one question about ethics in the practice of science on his final year of Undergraduate exams at Cambridge University had really tripped him up.

It blew his chances of getting a perfect score on that test.

So he realized it was better to be safe than dead.

Hence his desire to use the Jerusalem Temple Mount underground corridor to use the underground sea to reach the underwater Garden of Eden and eat of the fruit of the Tree of Life so he could live forever.

Just as California mass murderer Charles Manson believed that the Beatles’ song Helter Skelter was a prophecy of a coming race war in the United States (which may finally be coming true in 2015 thanks to trigger happy cops), so the Kraken Napoleon VI believed that the Beatles’ song An Octopus’ Garden In The Shade was a prophecy of his (the Kraken’s) finding the Garden of Eden under the sea.

So what did any of this have to do with his desire to learn to skateboard?

Well, the thought occurred to him that when he landed on the beaches of Tel Aviv, people might become suspicious if they noticed an 8 armed octopus with robotic metallic hooks on its tentacles walk from Tel Aviv to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

They probably wouldn’t be as suspicious of Medusa now that she no longer sported snakes for curls in her hair.

Of course Medusa being a witch did have the power to glide inches above water and inches above the ground.

Still most Israelis would probably just think she was a woman who had successfully mastered Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s Transcendental Meditation technique of yogic flying, the Kraken reflected, as the Beatles song The Fool On The Hill played from the radio of a Tel Aviv Chinese grocery store he passed on the street.

After all if a rock and roll slut like Madonna could claim to be a practitioner of Kabbalah, then surely an ex-Gorgon could be accepted as a yogic flying adept?

As for himself, the Kraken Napoleon VI figured that if he skateboarded all the way from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem’s Temple Mount, he wouldn’t be mistaken for such an oddity.

The Kraken found a Tel Aviv skateboard park.

The park was instantly cleared of hundreds of skateboarders for some reason when the 8 armed giant cyborg octopus Kraken made his appearance on the concrete.

One long haired heavy metal singer headbanger looking skateboarder who had fallen off his skateboard when the Kraken made his appearance was still lying dazed on the pavement when Napoleon VI pointed one of his cyborg hooked tentacle arms at him, “You.”

“Please,” the skateboarder pleaded, “I gave at the office.”

“And I gave at the sexually transmitted diseases clinic when I was human,” the Kraken shook his head, “I want you to teach me how to skateboard.”

One thing the skateboarder had learned in his young life was when an 8 armed octopus with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles asks you to teach him how to skateboard, you don’t argue.

Within a couple of hours, the cyborg octopus Kraken had turned into a master skateboarder the same way an expert fisherman who spends his nights alone on a fishing boat turns into a master baiter.

Having completed his lesson, the Kraken grabbed the young headbanger’s skateboard and thanking him for both the lesson and the skateboard, he doffed his Napoleon Bonaparte style hat to him and bid him adieu.

“You’re welcome,” the young skateboarder supposed he should be grateful that he got away with his life intact but still, he reflected, that had been a darn expensive skateboard.

A Hezbollah suicide bomber (who had arrived in Tel Aviv clandestinely by sea on the orders of Barack Obama’s new bosom bum buddies the despotic mullahs of Iran) blew himself up prematurely when he saw the 8 armed cyborg octopus Kraken with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles skate by on his skateboard that bore the image of reggae singer Bob Marley.

The Islamist terrorist was thus the only casualty of his premature detonation.

The skateboarding Kraken caught up with the beautiful Medusa just as she was leaving one of Tel Aviv’s most exclusive ladies’ fashion stores.

She was carrying dozens of shopping bags.

“Here carry these for me, will you,” she threw the shopping bags into the Kraken’s 8 arms as she started to glide above the ground.

“Me?” The Kraken almost fell off his skateboard under the weight of all those shopping bags.

“Well,” Medusa reached into her Gucci purse and brought out a compact mirror and hairbrush and started brushing her lovely snakeless hair, “you’ve got 8 arms, I’ve only got two.”

“How am I suppose to maneuver on this skateboard carrying all these bags all the way to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem?” The Kraken demanded to know.

“I’m sure you’ll find a way to manage,” Medusa pressed her fingers to her lips in thoughtful contemplation, “I wonder if I should pick up a few extra pairs of pantyhose?”.

“I hope we don’t get spotted by any other Krakens on the way there,” Napoleon VI sighed, “otherwise they’re going to think I’m a real sissy.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
August 1st to 17th


  1. Randstein said,

    LOL! This was a masterworks of the punner’s art. The Kraken and Medusa together makes for an interesting day! Surely you edit nearly as long as I do but I believe your effort pays off while my editing sojourns require a lot more editing after I’m done. Great read, Chris!

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Thank you, my friend. πŸ™‚

      Yes, it does take me a while to edit.

      Glad you enjoyed all my puns.

      Yes, the Kraken and Medusa are turning out to be an interesting couple.

      It was just by chance at the last moment that I decided to include the two together in the same chapter in the first place in a chapter I wrote a couple of months ago on the 200th Anniversary of the defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo.

      And it turned out to be an interesting pairing like Oliver and Jeffery with their Otter-loo. πŸ™‚

      • Randstein said,

        I definitely think Medusa and the Kraken have a future. They could hold up their own spin off series. Can’t wait to read more of their exploits.

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        Thank you, Daniel. πŸ™‚

      • Randstein said,

        You are most welcome, Chris. Oliver and Jeffery are afraid to go in the water now. It was that good.

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        LOL ! πŸ˜€

        I get satellite music channels on my TV.

        So I have it set to the Baroque Music Channel when I go to bed at night as I find it very relaxing to help me sleep.

        Anyways when I got out of the shower this morning, they were playing Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus.

        So of course, I immediately thought of Oliver and Jeffery’s Otter-Loo-Jah Chorus.

      • Randstein said,

        That is otterly fascinating. I think it’s a good omen. Perhaps our friend, the psychic lobster, is influencing another string of sheer punnery involving otters.

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        No doubt Michelangelo is weaving a web of puns that will have us all dancing on the ceiling – or at least – painting on the ceiling- in final judgement.

      • Randstein said,

        Bwaa haa haa! No doubts at all. πŸ™‚

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        Undoubtedly… that is the case… as Al Capone once said of the piece of luggage that most people use for carrying violins… but for Capone… contained Bugs Moran’s Valentine’s Day present.

      • Randstein said,

        It’ll keep you in stitches he once quipped. πŸ™‚

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        ROTFL !

        Yes, that old song “Your bleedin’ heart” was playing on the garage radio that February day in 1929.

      • Randstein said,

        Well…we can’t say he didn’t have a sense of humor. That’s important during any tense business negotiation.

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        It is indeed.

  2. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    Very, erm, apocalyptic. Loved the cringe-worthy puns (premature detonation? Ouch πŸ˜€ )

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      LOL, Nicholas!

      Yes as George Costanza would say on the Seinfeld show, “That’s gotta hurt!”. πŸ˜€

  3. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    HA! I enjoyed this as much as your first two readers! πŸ˜› And I’m ready for more! πŸ™‚
    Love your “cast of characters”! I’ve always been intrigued and fascinated by Medusa!
    Oh, to have a peek inside your intelligent, creative, witty, punny brain, Chris! These stories you weave, are a joy to read! πŸ™‚
    HUGS!!! πŸ™‚
    “master baiter”…I’m still laughing! πŸ˜›

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Thank you, Carolyn!

      LOL ! πŸ˜€

      Yes, that line about “master baiter” I came up with years ago and I never found a spot to use it in my novel until this chapter.

      I originally coined it as a joke:

      Question: What do you call an expert fisherman who isn’t getting any sex?

      Answer: A master baiter.

      • doesitevenmatter3 said,

        HA! That is SO funny! πŸ˜›
        I’m gonna’ tell your joke and give you credit for it! πŸ˜€
        Nothing like a good master baiter joke…now should I tell it to a fisherman, a priest, or a minister!? πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€

  4. draculvanhelsing said,

    Knowing you, Carolyn, you’ll probably tell it to all 3. πŸ˜›

    And then you’ll throw in a rabbi for good measure. πŸ˜€

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Um… that first smiley above there was supposed to be a wink and not a tongue.

      I don’t know what I was thinking.

      Giving a tongue to a fisherman, a priest and a minister while telling a joke about ”a master baiter” I wouldn’t really recommend.

      Unless you really want to set tongues wagging in your town.

      And without that last line, I think I’ll go have my DNA tested to see if I’m a long lost grandson of Groucho Marx and Mae West.

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        And that should read “with” not “without” in that last sentence above.

        Gee, I’m making bloopers and typos left, right and center.

        This is what comes as a result of having sex on the brain.

        I suppose that’s because nobody has told me yet that one doesn’t do it there. πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€

  5. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    A shopping spree with Medusa and a new skater Kraken cyborg with his 8 arms. Now, that is something. Would he be immortal if he successfully get one of the fruit from the Tree of Life with his cyborg body? He is not more of flesh then – it won’t work on metal and oil! πŸ˜›

    And all the time I was waiting for the Kraken most famous deadliet pee attack! When he urinate, you do know that his pee gets through metal and it is of total black liquid – and very hot! LOL

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I guess you could say then when the cyborg Kraken pees, he really becomes a black heavy metal singer. πŸ™‚

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        wah hahaha … A black heavy metal singer??? Then he can have a concert together with the KISS and show out his Kraken’s tongue. LOL

  6. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Yes, the Kraken can French KISS with his tongue. πŸ˜›

  7. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Reblogged this on Dracul Van Helsing and commented:

    A vampire novel chapter I wrote over 3 years ago called Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv- featuring two characters who have recently come back into my vampire novel after a long absence- the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI and Medusa the ex-Gorgon.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: