Renfield Still Seeing Stars On Trek

August 21, 2015 at 6:03 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Still Seeing Stars On Trek

Renfield R. Renfield was still busy bitching to Amadeus Emanon about the fact that a few nights earlier, he was having an extremely pleasant dream about being in a Turkish steam bath with three vivacious female porn stars when suddenly Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster entered his dream and entered the Turkish steam bath wearing a firefighter heat protection suit specially designed for lobsters and pinched him on the rear end with his lobster claws to get him out of the steam bath.

“Why would Michelangelo do that?” Amadeus asked as he dipped three Turkish Delight candies into some tangy and spicy shrimp cocktail sauce and ate them.

“Because I was to go to another space/time dimension to locate the whereabouts of some AI cybrid psychic cyborg they call the Black Dragon Master,” Renfield blew steam through his ears setting off the smoke alarm in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

“And did you find the Black Dragon Master?” Amadeus was grateful for the ceiling sprinkler’s sudden downpour of water as it cooled off the extremely hot and spicy taste of his Cajun/Mexican/Thai/Korean Barbeque Lobster Sandwich that he was eating.

“Yes, I found him in an Irish brothel in Dublin,” Renfield seemed to recall rather fondly.

“As opposed to an Irish brothel in Beijing,” Amadeus downed a two litre bottle of water.

The mansion’s butler and valet Athelstan appeared in the living room wearing a post-nuclear apocalypse radioactive protection firefighter suit and carrying a hose to put out the fire.

“That’s all right, Athelstan,” Amadeus waved him off, “there’s really no fire.”

Athelstan left the room swearing in ancient Egyptian a language he was learning in an on-line educational course in an effort to better understand the words his boss and master Set mumbled in his sleep in his sarcophagus.

“I hear those AI cybrid psychic cyborgs are able to communicate telepathically,” Amadeus cracked open his fortune cookie.

“This one had temporarily lost his ability to communicate telepathically after he had used his long forgotten sense of taste to study and research the remnants of an ancient beer brewery in Bavaria that had apparently been frequented by a pair of drunken otters back in the early 21st Century,” Renfield explained.

“Isn’t that our own time?” Amadeus checked the date on his new Apple watch.

“Yes, but it was ancient history to this AI cybrid psychic cyborg in the future,” Renfield played with his Ancient Macedonian sword that had once belonged to Alexander The Great.

“So how did he communicate with you?” Amadeus used his iPhone to order more Chinese take-out food.

“He spoke to me in the most god-awful voice,” Renfield shuddered and shivered, “the most sinister voice I ever encountered.”

“Did he sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger the killer robot from the future in The Terminator?” Amadeus tried his best Austrian accent.

“Worse,” Renfield swallowed from his bottle of 21-year-old Port and was grateful that he wasn’t reading any humourous blog posts on the Net at that moment, “he sounded like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone and a Transylvanian transvestite transexual cross-dresser.”

“Sounds like the Rocky Horror Picture Show all over again,” Amadeus spilled rice all over the floor.

“Well I certainly am not doing the fucking Time Warp again,” Renfield recalled that aspect of his dream with sheer terror.

“What happened?” Amadeus got down on his knees to pick up the rice

“As soon as Mr. Sulu hit warp speed on the U.S.S. Enterprise to return us to our own space/time dimension, I was jilted forward with such velocity that my testicles were actually transported right up to the back molars of my mouth,” Renfield recalled with some trepidation, “I could have become the first person in recorded history to give myself my own blow jobs.”

“Well,” Amadeus noted, “from that pic of Ron Jeremy you had left frozen on your computer screen a few nights ago before you went to bed to have that dream, I think he could easily give himself his own blow jobs judging from what I saw.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 14th


  1. Randstein said,

    LOL! These two are better than any dinner theater I’ve ever witnessed. Oliver and Jeffery the otters are now immortalized for their beer quaffery and the Black Dragon Master has been outed for his carousing in brothels looking for young lasses to show off his light show skills. Having a captive paid audience is better than those unpredictable mobs that expect Hollywood CGI excellence in every live show. And ole Ron Jeremy, poor lost soul, looks like a bear rug strapped to a baseball bat. What a way to end up after a night of teleporting.

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Yes, no wonder Captain Kirk said, “Beam me up. Scotty.”

      • Randstein said,

        It was a wise move on Kirk’s part. πŸ™‚

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        And as Captain Kirk was safely in his chair aboard the central deck of the Enterprise, he said to his Science Officer, “Your analysis, Mr. Spock?”.

        “It’s a good thing you asked Scotty to beam you up when you did, Captain. Looking through my visual monitors here, it appears that the entity calling itself the Black Dragon Master appeared to have his face covered in an explosion of what looked like vanilla ice cream when this unusual bear rug’s baseball bat appear to erupt with the force of a volcano.”

      • Randstein said,

        I’m pretty sure what they would witness would be a cosmic bolt of muon energy that would erase that particular sector of the universe and it would be important to hit warp drive quickly or become part of the cosmic dust cloud that ensues. Hopefully the Dilitium crystals aren’t acting up so Scotty can get them underway.

  2. draculvanhelsing said,

    Hopefully, indeed. πŸ™‚

  3. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    HA! Love this chapter!
    Love the weaving of your words, the combing of characters and people ancient and modern day, and your brilliant sense of humor! The “movie” playing in my head while reading this is worth a Best Picture Oscar!
    HUGS!!! πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Oh, that’s great, Carolyn. πŸ™‚

      I’ve always dreamed of someday winning a Best Picture Oscar.

  4. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    Hey, Chris! Just realized and saw your notes at Daniel. Oh, sorry to shock you. I was doing changes in my Settings and saved my work on my desktop as my WordPress the other day did not work well. No worry. I am still alive and I am here.

    I’ll check on you soon as we are returning home today. Done some packing and will be off soon. Will reach home in seven hours or so.

    Until then, my friend!


    • draculvanhelsing said,

      That’s good, Sherrie. πŸ™‚

      You’re a great writer and it would be a shame if all your words of wisdom and insight were lost to the world.

      Let me know what you think of Renfield’s bizarre dream in this vampire novel chapter when you get back. πŸ™‚

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        Just awake and realized I was so damn tired … Ugh! It is nearly 11??? Gosh … didn’t realized. Perhaps the long hours of eight hours drive took a great toll on me.
        But it was a very good vacation. Indeed! πŸ™‚

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        Glad you had a great vacation. πŸ™‚

  5. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    How are things going this week, Chris?!
    We have the l-o-n-g whee-kend here with the holiday…so, I’m looking forward to having some fun fun FUN! And after her “daddy takes the T-Bird away”…we’ll find another car to have fun fun fun in! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›
    HUGS!!! πŸ™‚

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      LOL ! , Caroline.

      Well things are starting to improve.

      The week started off to a disastrous start.

      A major once in a lifetime windstorm hit metro Vancouver last Saturday and knocked out power to over 750,000 residents.

      I was one of the unlucky ones.

      I was in the dark and without power for 36 hours.

      When I came home last Sunday night and the streets were still darkened, I couldn’t see where I was going and I tripped and fell on the pavement and cut my left hand and left knee.

      So then I had to walk up a dozen floors of stairs like that and attempt to bandage my hand and my knee in the dark.

      Not much fun.

      My knee is still sore.

      • doesitevenmatter3 said,

        Aw. 😦 All of that is more than a bummer, Chris! 😦 I hope your hand and knew heal quickly. And your week got better with each day. πŸ™‚
        Sending healing (((HUGS)))

      • draculvanhelsing said,

        Thank you, Carolyn. πŸ™‚

  6. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    wah hahaha … What the … Chris! You are the BEST!
    What a read!

    Love Renfield’s odd humor and the strange Amadeus. I had a good laugh having to imagine how the butler came in with the special suit and trying to put the fire out when there is none. Bad Renfield and his bad smoking habit. And why is Amadeus kneeling down for his rice that has fallen on the ground? Odd couple.

    And love the Otter’s beer part – I would want to get that beer and be immortal later – after! LOL

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Sherrie. πŸ™‚

      Yes, Renfield and Amadeus are really quite the odd couple. πŸ˜€

      That’s funny, I was watching an episode of that old TV show Frazier tonight and some woman referred to Dr. Frazier Crane and his brother Dr. Niles Crane as an odd couple. πŸ˜€

      The reason why I had Amadeus down on the floor after dropping his rice was I making another one of my bad puns.

      Amadeus had just mentioned The Rocky Horror Picture Show and back in the 1980s it was the in-thing for when repertory theaters showed the movie for the audience to dress up in costume like the movie’s characters and to throw rice in the air in the theatre during the movie’s wedding scene.

      The Time Warp to which Renfield refers is also the name of one of the songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show- as well as the method by which Renfield travelled through time and space in his dream- hence it was a double pun there. πŸ˜›

      And of course the otters with their beer was a reference to Daniel’s Oliver and Jeffery. πŸ˜€

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        wah hahaha … And CHEERS to Daniel’s Oliver and Jeffrey’s beer. Called it the Black Dragon Daniel as there is another drink already called as Jack Daniel! LOL
        A drink of the Immortal – and those who drinks for a moment has a long blurry visions of immortality itself and can see the light of heaven before it closes. LOL

        They do still have the Rocky Horror Picture Show here in Germany, but played with much a modern touch. But I still do prefer the olden days when everything is much more another classical art play rather than being too modern for my taste. Oh, yeah … I have an old soul and I love what’s old and classic. hehehe … πŸ™‚

  7. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Yes, I love what’s old and classic too. πŸ™‚

  8. anaatcalin said,

    Oh my God, this is soooo good and hsysterical!!! Indeed, I’m strengthened in my comparison to Gaiman, but this is better. Much better. It’s entertaining, rich in background and wonderfully written. I’ll sure be coming back for more after work. Until then, I MUST insist: Can I link on my Recommended Reads and the Avid Readers group on facebook? I only also recommended Hyperion, and I might add another author I keep bugging, who sadly isn’t allowed to give anything of what she has for free, but is working on something now. I only recommend what I like and appreciate, as not to jeopardize my reputation as a reliable, cultivated “recommendor” πŸ™‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, please do link on your Recommended Reads and Avid Readers group on Facebook. πŸ™‚

      And thanks. πŸ™‚

  9. Some Comedy for a Change – Mr. Christopher Milner’s “The Giant Rat of Sumatra” | Ana Calin's Blog said,

    […] later, but you might want to check out his sexy dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes, and my most favorite (secret crush) Michelangelo the Psychic LobsterΒ (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this episode, you gotta check it out, it’s HYSTERICAL!). I’m telling […]

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