Dulcinea Lucia And The Vatican Cardinal
Dulcinea Lucia And The Vatican Cardinal
The gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia lay on the sofa in the living room of the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
She had no cab fare to get home.
Renfield R. Renfield had invited her over to give him a private fortune telling reading.
It turned out that he wanted her to examine more than his palms.
So she had hit him over the head with an ancient clay tablet that listed the sexual escapades of the Greek god Zeus.
It had knocked Renfield out- probably for the next several hours.
In the meantime, she hoped either Amadeus Emanon or Athelstan the butler or some other person more civilized than Renfield (including the vampire Set who was best known for bodily dismembering his brother Osiris) would get home to the mansion soon to give her cab fare to get home to her own home.
She lay on the sofa in the low-cut red mini dress that Renfield had requested she’d wear for this occasion.
She fell asleep.
And dreamed a dream.
In the dream, she saw the Vatican Cardinal Walter Kasper whom she had once seen in a television interview.
In the dream, Cardinal Kasper did a little dance and sang to the tune of Monty Python’s Lumberjack Song,
“Oh, I’m a heretic and I’m okay
I read my Bible the Raymond Brown way
Don’t take it seriously, it just don’t pay
‘Till you get ’round to Judgement Day…”
Dulcinea Lucia was awakened by a sudden clap of thunder and flash of lightning.
She then heard Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan walk in through the door.
Renfield could be heard mumbling to himself as he lay on the floor, “Did anybody get the license plate number of that white swan?”.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 18th
2015.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Nicholas C. Rossis said,
September 20, 2015 at 8:21 am
A tablet that lists the sexual escapades of Zeus? That thing must have weighed a ton!
Come to think of it, you may enjoy my short story, http://nicholasrossis.me/2015/07/13/free-story-the-things-we-do-for-lust/
Dracul Van Helsing said,
September 20, 2015 at 4:28 pm
Yes, it would be a very large tablet indeed, Nicholas. 😀
Love your short story.
It’s positively brilliant.
Nicholas C. Rossis said,
September 21, 2015 at 12:37 am
Aw, thanks, you! 😀
Dracul Van Helsing said,
September 21, 2015 at 12:55 am
You’re welcome, my friend. 🙂
Sherrie de Valeria said,
September 21, 2015 at 5:01 am
That tablet worth more than Renfield’s head! LOL
The last line is brilliant? What is the number plate of the white swan?
Must be the plastic swan in the lake full of tourist and Kraken’s friends.
Renfield is having a halucination after his head got hammered by a fortune teller! hahaha …
Dracul Van Helsing said,
September 21, 2015 at 3:16 pm
LOL !
Yes, Renfield is hallucinating and seeing the white plastic swan at the Kraken’s magic party on the lake. 😀
Sherrie de Valeria said,
September 22, 2015 at 3:18 am
hahaha … His own fault for his non-control sexual drive! hahaha … LOL
Dracul Van Helsing said,
September 22, 2015 at 2:29 pm
Yes, Renfield’s out of control sexual drive gets him in a lot of trouble. 😀
Sherrie de Valeria said,
September 23, 2015 at 3:12 am
Still, one has to love Renfield!
I do. 🙂
Dracul Van Helsing said,
September 23, 2015 at 3:34 am
Yes, one still has to love Renfield. 🙂
Hyperion said,
September 22, 2015 at 3:11 pm
Bwaa haa haa! Renfield takes a beating well. You never know, if he shows he is sincere in his attempts to practice Zeusonian concupiscent carnality, he might get lucky. In this case, the White Swan, otherwise known as Zeus in his more amorously rapacious form, might have spoke with him about his technique during his slumber after the tablet whack to his noggin. 🙂
Dracul Van Helsing said,
September 22, 2015 at 4:10 pm
Yes, I was thinking of Zeus and Leda when I had Renfield mention the white swan.
And like that old Timex watch in TV commercials of yesteryear, Renfield seems to take a licking and keep on ticking- particularly when it comes to sexual liaisons. 😀
Hyperion said,
September 22, 2015 at 4:14 pm
Renfield is very Zeusonian. 🙂 Poor Leda. Hopefully she won’t have to deal with Renfield too.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
September 22, 2015 at 4:32 pm
Yes, if her liaison with Zeus produced Helen that caused the Trojan War, one can only imagine what sort of worldwide conflagration would be caused by Renfield’s offspring. 😀
Hyperion said,
September 22, 2015 at 4:34 pm
Perhaps we should avoid a self fulfilling prophesy regarding Renfield’s offspring. I’ve read where ugly baby syndrome can doom a child in the early stages of public education.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
September 22, 2015 at 4:49 pm
Yes, and those ugly babies then grow up to become leaders in the feminist movement. 😉
It’s remarks like that which often get me and Rush Limbaugh into trouble at social gatherings.
Of course our thoughts are then shown to be justified by the ugliest women objecting the most to our comments.
Hyperion said,
September 22, 2015 at 5:08 pm
We need politically incorrect people to keep normal people from believing that they should practice self abuse because of the misunderstandings of others.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
September 22, 2015 at 5:21 pm
I think that’s why I created the characters of Renfield and Pan Goatee.
It allows me to express the politically incorrect thoughts of my personality.
Hyperion said,
September 22, 2015 at 5:27 pm
I enjoy your political incorrectness. It reads like sanity – only funnier. 🙂
Dracul Van Helsing said,
September 22, 2015 at 5:33 pm
Thanks, Daniel. 🙂