Renfield’s Dream of The Mercutio Dachshund Commercial

September 22, 2015 at 7:46 pm (Commentary, Culture, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield’s Dream of The Mercutio Dachshund Commercial

Renfield R. Renfield had taken several aspirins to get rid of his massive headache and had then gone to bed.

He dreamed he was in the living room of the White House in Washington D.C. where the First Family were weeping over a commercial on the large screen TV they were watching.

As President Obama blew his nose into a handkerchief, the commercial began by showing an image of a sad looking Dachshund.

Announcer (with sad voice): Meet Mercutio. You might think that looking at Mercutio that you’re looking at one sad looking Dachshund.

But you’d be wrong. We as a society only see what we see on the outside. We forget that wise old saying that you can’t judge a book by its cover. We allow our preconceived prejudiced notions to reflect our external reality outside.

For you see poor Mercutio isn’t really a Dachshund. He’s a giraffe trapped in a Dachshund’s body.

When Mercutio was a young Dachshund pup, he realized he was different than other Dachshunds.

His friends teased him and told him that he was weird.

Alas! Poor Mercutio. He felt like a total outcast.

Mercutio did not know what was wrong with him until he watched an African safari documentary on the Discovery channel on his owner’s TV set.

That’s when he realized he was actually a giraffe.

A giraffe trapped in a Dachshund’s body.

How little Mercutio longed to stick his neck out and eat the leaves off the tallest trees.

Something that was next to impossible for him to do as a Dachshund.

But which would be as easy as pie (instead of pi) if he were a giraffe.

But alas poor Mercutio!

Most health insurance plans in America do not cover the cost of Transpecies operations to turn him from Dachshund to giraffe.

Most people in America today refuse to accept the reality of the Transpecies community.

They can’t believe that it’s possible to be born into one species’ body while actually being another species.

And that’s why Mercutio looks sad.

That’s why Mercutio feels sad.

That’s why Mercutio IS sad.

Mercutio feels excluded.

Mercutio feels an outsider.

No one accepts Mercutio for who he truly is.

Let’s change that- you and I.

Together we are the change that we can become.

Let’s pressure Congress to change the Medicare laws so that Transpecies operations will be covered under most health care plans.

Let’s we as a nation become more acceptable and tolerant of the Transpecies community.

Let’s understand and show more compassion to the elephant who wants to become a mouse.

The mongoose who wants to become a snake.

Or even our friend Mercutio here.

The Dachshund who wants to become a giraffe.

Let’s make Mercutio’s dream a reality.

(Mercutio starts to smile)

Let’s make Mercutio feel accepted for who he truly is.

(Mercutio starts to grin)

Let’s make Mercutio a giraffe.

(Mercutio starts to grin from ear to ear)

You see that happy smile on Mercutio’s face.

You see what we can do when we become the change we can be.

We’ve just made Mercutio one happy Dachshund… pardon me… one happy giraffe. πŸ™‚

As the First Family watered the living room carpet with their tears and the rainbow lights were once again turned on over the White House, Renfield woke up.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 22nd


  1. Sherrie de Valeria said,

    What???? What did I just read???
    hahahaha … Geezzz, Chris!
    I spit my coffee on the table because of this. All over my breakfast!
    hahahaha …

    Well, better be the giraffe rather than turning the Dachshund into Caityln Jenner. Or anything of the Kardashian booty!

    Geeezzz … hahahaha ….

    Terrific blog, Chris! You are so crazy! LOL

    hahahaha …

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Sherrie. πŸ™‚

      Funny, I never got any notification from WP that you had commented on this.

      I just got notification that my friend Nicholas had commented and when I came here, I noticed you had commented earlier.

      Whoever is running WP tonight must have got into the Seven-Story Magic Mushroom birthday cake that you made for Medusa. πŸ˜›

      He got stoned out of his mind.

      Yes, better that the Dachshund be turned into a giraffe rather than a member of the Jenner-Kardashian clan. πŸ˜€

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        I want you to do something before you write any blog like this. Give me and Daniel a WARNING that none of us drinking anything before reading. LOL

        It took me half an hour to clean the table and re-do my breakfast – clean and no coffee spitting all over it. πŸ˜€

        Yes, the WP guy got stoned from my magic mushroom bun – those are Germans mushroom – very strong and dangerous. hehehe …

        Oh, speaking on “notification”, that is what had happened to me when you commented. But I have to unfriend you and follow you again. That works – perhaps you should try that too. Just un-follow me and follow me again. πŸ™‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’ll try that, Sherrie, see if it works. πŸ™‚

        So after you had read my blog post, if Samuel Taylor Coleridge had walked into your kitchen at that moment, he’d have said, “Coffee, coffee everywhere and not a drop to drink.”

      • Sherrie de Valeria said,

        LOL Oh gosh! That had happened to me a few times when I forgot to buy new coffee. Waking up on Sunday and there is no coffee is a horror! Oh never again! πŸ˜›

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! πŸ˜€

  2. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    Actually, “the Dachshund who wanted to be a giraffe” sounds like a great children’s book! Thanks – I now have the inspiration for my next book :b

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      LOL !

      Glad to have provided you with the inspiration for your next children’s book, Nicholas. πŸ˜€

      No doubt if Mercutio lived in Greece, Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras would love to make the dreams of Mercutio and other Dachshunds like him to come true.

      Perhaps he’ll try to make allowances for the Greek government to pay for such operations in his next round of renegotiations over Greece’s debt.

      • Nicholas C. Rossis said,

        Please don’t give him any ideas…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I take it Alexis is the sort of guy who’s never met a bad idea he didn’t like.

      • Nicholas C. Rossis said,

        Wow! It’s like you know him personally!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        No, it’s just my Sherlockian powers of observation and deduction from watching news coverage of his performances on BBC World News on my television.

      • Nicholas C. Rossis said,

        “Performances” is a great word to describe the spectacle.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, he comes across as a bad actor in a Sophocles tragedy.

        Both Aristophanes and Alfred Hitchcock in their respective reviews from the Elysian Fields describe his performances as “being for the birds”.

      • Nicholas C. Rossis said,

        Heh heh – good one πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks. πŸ™‚

  3. Hyperion said,

    An excellent parody, Chris. You nailed it. Who are we to tell a Giraffe he or she must live out his or her life trapped in a Datsun body. It just isn’t right. I’m sure our social coordinator in chief will rectumfry this absurdity with an executive email to the democratic congress to enact a law that specifies butt-cheek yodeling shall be regulated and taxed. That should sufficiently distract the public from Mercutio’s plight.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,


      And a tax on butt-cheek yodeling will see the chances of a YouTube video with Justin Bieber singing between Kim Kardashian’s butt cheeks being killed before it is even born.

      And the Internet world will be deprived of hearing what a Cybrid would sound like if it swore in Otterspeak.

      No doubt this will cause Donald Trump to angrily tear his hair piece out in the middle of a campaign speech while talking about this issue and waving his hair piece to the crowd as he angrily attacks the Obama Administation on the Butt-Cheek yodeling issue, “This is another example of what’s wrong with America today.”

      • Hyperion said,

        Clearly Michelangelo the psychic lobster has informed your visions with stunning clarity. As butt-cheek yodeling becomes a hot button political topic, social media will erupt in vivid images of butt-cheek yodeling wannabes resulting in a windfall of tax income allowing the Yodeler in Chief to take longer holidays while the IRS considers the merit of sanctifying those butt-cheek yodeling tweets by the faithful voters. In the mean time, Cybrids are observing and learning to master the technique.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And the Black Dragon will end up screaming, “What’s Willy Nilly doing in my butt sounding like sizzling bacon while magic mushroom clouds erupt from between Kim Kardashian’s butt cheeks?”. πŸ˜›

      • Hyperion said,

        I want to see the YouTube video of that. πŸ™‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And the video will end with the disclaimer:

        Any resemblance between Willy Nilly and Daniel’s invisible pet dragon that he talks to all the time (particularly after he examines the contents of the bottles in his liquor cabinet through his taste buds) is purely coincidental.

      • Hyperion said,

        I feel a statistical analysis coming on. I wonder if there is a correlation between dragon sightings and the rate of reduction of my bourbon collection.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Perhaps you can apply for a National Science Foundation grant to study the issue further. πŸ™‚

      • Hyperion said,

        Hmmmmmm! the field research would be worth it! πŸ™‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: