Cardinal JM and Osiris

November 5, 2015 at 8:23 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Cardinal JM and Osiris

The Vatican Cardinal JM was in a downtown Rome lounge waiting to meet the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris.

His personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe would not be accompanying him as he usually did to such meetings.

Father Wardenclyffe would be attending a performance of a new ballet Swan Lake In The Desert at the U. S. Embassy this night.

The original avante-garde ballet was being performed by the U.S. Marine Corps Barack Obama Performing Arts Division.

“Your Eminence,” The Vampire Osiris dressed in a tuxedo and tie greeted Cardinal JM.

“Your Most Exalted Ancient Egyptian Highness,” Cardinal JM bowed.

“You look well, JM,” Osiris stated.

“You’re looking somewhat green this evening,” the Cardinal observed, “aren’t you feeling well?”.

“I’ve always looked green,” Osiris snapped irritably, “if you ever bothered to look at pictures of my painted image on the walls of Egyptian temples and tombs. It was a condition brought about by eating too many jars of pickles when I was younger.”

“I apologize for my abysmal ignorance, your Highness,” Cardinal JM looked flustered, “ancient Greek religion is my field of study.”

“It wasn’t Catholicism?” Osiris inquired.

“I know very little about Catholicism,” Cardinal JM replied, “which probably explains why I was named a Cardinal. If I had known even less, I would have probably been elected Pope at the Papal Conclave back in 2013.”

“Why did you arrange for us to meet tonight?” Osiris ordered a martini with extra olives from the waiter.

“I have a gift for you,” Cardinal JM put a small box on the table, “this was recently found in the Vatican Archives.”

Osiris opened the box and cried, “My original phallus.”

“Yes,” Cardinal JM nodded and smiled, “the one that your brother Set cut off so brutally in Egypt many millennia ago in a procedure which these days may or may not be covered under modern Obamacare, I’d have to check on that.”

“The one piece of my original 14 dismembered body parts that my sister, wife and lover Isis was never able to find,” Osiris wept.

“It was found back in 1922 by a Jesuit Egyptologist who died after being bitten by an asp on his ass,” the Cardinal explained, “our aging archivist only got around to cataloging it this year.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 4th


  1. anaatcalin said,

    Dear Chris, so this is the first scene I read. It’s excellent! I must think a bit of Neil Gaiman, but more glamorous, and the symbolism here is more psychological than Gaiman’s rather social point he’s constantly trying to make. I see you’ve been writing for some years, and the experience sure shows! It has depth and message, a rare commodity these days. Other than you and Hyperion, I don’t know who I can say that about. With your permission, I’m going to embed a link to your site on a group on facebook, called Avid Readers of Suspense and Romance, as well on my page Recommended Reads on the blog. Is that all right with you?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Another blogger and friend of Daniel named Sherrie De Valeria compared my work with Neil Gaman an author I’ve never read but am now intrigued to do so.

      Yes, please do link to my site on your Facebook Suspence and Romance group blog and Recommended Readers blog and thanks, Ana, I appreciate that. 🙂

      • anaatcalin said,

        I’ve never read another to compare to Gaiman. Try the Graveyard Book. When I read the scene with Renfield I was reminded of creatures who take the boy underground and he is then saved by (can’t say, spoiler LOL), but I don’t remember what they’re called in the book, I something with G, that’s why I mention it. Super well written, Chris, super well written. I congratulate you 🙂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks very much, Ana. 🙂

        I appreciate that.

  2. ֆɦɛʀʀɨɛ ɖɛ ʋǟʟɛʀɨǟ said,

    HAH!!! I told you. Your writing has that similarity to Gaiman. A great writer, indeed. I really love that guy. So, someone noticed of your writing has that sort of style. hehehe … A compliment for you, Chris! Thousand thumbs ups!!! 😀

    LOL Phallus! I cannot imagine to think that Donald Trump would want to pay for over a million for Osiris’s willy if it is at the auction! He collected odd things. I saw fake Trump at the Halloween party the last weekend. I was thinking of us when I saw that guy and I had to laughed hard that my kids looking back at me while doing Treat & Tricks. “Mommy! Are you okay? You know, I give you a candy now. You’ll be okay, Mom! Trust me. You’ll be okay.” hahahaha … Geeeezzzz ….

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      LOL ! 🙂

      Have a candy, Mommy! 😀

      So a Donald Trump at your Halloween party?

      Very scary indeed. 😀

      Thanks for the compliment, Sherrie. 🙂

      • ֆɦɛʀʀɨɛ ɖɛ ʋǟʟɛʀɨǟ said,

        Yes, a Donald Trump! It was later we found out it was the Mr Sims, the 4th Grade Math’s teacher who taught my son in his class … He thought it was something new for Halloween, but the kids doesn’t know who Trump is. “Truck what???” hahahaha …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Ah, to be a kid again. 🙂

        How wonderful never to have heard of Donald Trump. 😀

        So it was the Math teacher eh?

        LOL ! 😀

      • ֆɦɛʀʀɨɛ ɖɛ ʋǟʟɛʀɨǟ said,

        Yeah, a Math teacher … Now I am so suspicious of him. I bet you that he dreamed of Kardashians in the night, trying to measuring her bootie with his mathematical analytical theory! hahaha … LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I guess Sherrielock Holmes should be brought in to whip his overly mathematically analytically booty into shape. 😀

      • ֆɦɛʀʀɨɛ ɖɛ ʋǟʟɛʀɨǟ said,

        Yeah. Bad, bad Math teacher!
        He needs some lessons of spanking with the 1,2,3 … LOL
        hahahaha ….

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As the kids sing, “1, 2, 3… over Sherrielock’s knee”. 😀

      • ֆɦɛʀʀɨɛ ɖɛ ʋǟʟɛʀɨǟ said,


      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  3. ֆɦɛʀʀɨɛ ɖɛ ʋǟʟɛʀɨǟ said,

    This is so strange … I just noticed – AGAIN! That you and even Daniel disappeared SIMPLY from my Blogger Friend’s List or Followers. No wonder I cannot see your new blogs – except for the notifications when you reply or respond to my blogs. I cannot see Daniel too. Noticed that he wrote a few blogs already! Geeezzz … I had to un-followed you and added you again …

    WP has allergy reaction on Halloween … Ate too much digital candies! Trump’s fault! 😛

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, WP ate too many digital candies again. 😀

      Along with a few locks of Donald Trump’s hair. 😀

      Yeah, it’s strange.

      I had to moderate and approve your comments again before they could be posted.

      Very weird indeed. 😛

      • ֆɦɛʀʀɨɛ ɖɛ ʋǟʟɛʀɨǟ said,

        Creepy!!!! Trump Invasion in the digital world. He purposely spread Trumpie-Monkey-Hair virus into the Web world.
        Ok! We need Neo from Matrix to kill those monkeys! 😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Neo will be on those monkeys like a bottle of good dandruff shampoo. 😀

      • ֆɦɛʀʀɨɛ ɖɛ ʋǟʟɛʀɨǟ said,

        hahahaha … And then comes out the advertisement on TV on that shampoo with Neo presenting it … “This is an Anti-Trump dandruff against all the monkey virus in your digital web head. It works. I know I do. I used it too!”

        And Renfield’s jaw dropped open while watching this and said, “What a shit world I am living in … Jesus …” And Amadeus was busy ravaging his McDonald Trump orange burger with pleasure and turned to Renfield and responded, “Well, it is, Renfield. It is. As if you don’t know this … See! They even have the New Mac Donald-Trump burger. It is orange too! With monkey hair ingredients!”

        Then Renfield jumped up screaming as he realized … He has been dreaming again …

        Hahahahaha … LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! 😀

        Now, that would be a scary dream.

        ROTFL ! @ the Mac Donald Trump burger with orange monkey hairs.

      • ֆɦɛʀʀɨɛ ɖɛ ʋǟʟɛʀɨǟ said,

        Yeah … a scary burger with Donald Trump’s face on it! Eeeewww … with monkey hairs! LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        ROTFL ! @ Hell Toupee!

        I can see a TV commercial that goes like this:

        Are you overweight? Are you always eating junk food? Then drop into McDonald’s and order the new Mac Donald Trump Burger with Donald Trump’s face and orange monkey hairs on it. One look at it and you’ll lose your appetite. Try it. Money back guarantee. And if you order now, we’ll send you an extra Mac Donald Trump Burger For Free. Operators are standing by. As are most ambulances if you bite into one…

  4. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    To be separated from one’s phallus for so long. Poor Osiris. I can only imagine of the mischief he’ll cause now, of course.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Osiris will have a lot of catching up to do now that he’s reacquainted himself with an old friend. 😀

  5. Hyperion said,

    This was great Chris and I saw where Ana posted a link to your site on her Facebook group. World domination has begun. The Dragons and Ancient Egyptians, minus their phallus, have emerged globally. Jeffery the otter is the morale officer and I suspect pole dancing and peep shows will turn up soon.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, the Masonic slogan Ordo ab chao (order out of chaos) will now be put into effect.

      Now that Osiris has got his mojo back, nothing is going to stop him now.

      Not even Austin Powers saying, “Oh, behave.”

      • Hyperion said,

        Kim K better be careful wiggling that big bootie now. She could wind up with a big surprise.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        She could indeed.

        LOL !

        She’ll never look at an obelisk in the same way again.

        At least she won’t be bending over in front of one anytime in the near future.

      • Hyperion said,

        There might be hope to train some manners using obelisk surprise therapy 😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        There will be a replica of Osiris’ phallus in every psychiatrist’s office in the world.

        Instead of talking about the Oedipus complex as the source of all problems, they’ll be talking about the Osiris phallus as the source of all solutions.

      • Hyperion said,

        Finally! A positive outlook 😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        If the Village People were around today, they’d sing a happy song about being In The Psychiatrist’s Office to add to their songs about being In The Navy or being Down At The YMCA. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        I think replacing the choir at the Vatican with the Village People would really rock Cardinal JM’s world.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, it would be right up his alley- along with Osiris’ phallus. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        I smell sulfer! Do you smell sulfer?

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, I smell sulphur and brimstone.

        We all better run away from this scene and not look back.

        Otherwise we might find ourselves turned into a pillar of salt.

      • Hyperion said,

        And no doubt that pillar of salt would be in the likeness of the ancient Egyptian obelisk. 😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        No doubt. 😀

        Amadeus will be on a sodium free diet should he visit Rome.

      • Hyperion said,

        😉 lol!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


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