Friday The 13th Massacre Pan Goatee Style

November 13, 2015 at 8:19 pm (Commentary, Culture, Horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Friday The 13th Massacre Pan Goatee Style

It was Friday the 13th.

A festive holiday for serial killers everywhere.

In honour of that serial killer with the hockey mask and big knife who’s always penalized for slashing- Jason.

Friday the 13th was to serial killers what Christmas, Hanukkah and Diwali were to other people.

Serial killer Pan Goatee, who now worked as a contract hired assassin for the U.S. government and therefore just did serial killing as a hobby, grabbed his laser light beam machete.

When Pan Goatee decided that he was far more intelligent than your average run of the mill serial killers a year and a half ago, he noticed that many serial killers predominantly killed beautiful women as their victims.

This was strange, Pan Goatee thought to himself on an evening of profound philosophical reflection.

God only knows, Pan contemplated, there were too few beautiful women and too many ugly women in the world already.

Particularly in those so-called advanced western countries where The Oprah Show enjoyed immense popularity after that no-good interfering busybody spent decades telling women that they were good just the way they were.

This piece of sophist reasoning had led to an explosion of female ugliness unprecedented in human history.

If the angelic sons of God had come down to earth today and had seen the daughters of men like they did in Genesis Chapter 6 (where it was written back then, “That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose” thus leading to the procreation of Nephilim- giants), it would surely be written today, “That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were ugly; they regurgitated en masse and hurriedly left the planet never to return”.

There would be no giants in the earth these days.

Thus Pan Goatee had a moment of intellectual epiphany and he would do what no serial killer had done before.

He would only bump off ugly women.

And in so doing, make the world a more beautiful place to live.

Surely those great practitioners of aesthetics and lovers of beauty like Nietzsche, Oscar Wilde and the Greek god Apollo would most wholeheartedly approve.

And so Pan Goatee headed out that morning of Friday November 13th on his own personal urban beautification improvement project.

As he walked down a back alley, he noticed a woman walking her dog straight ahead.

Some strange looking man came walking down the alley and frightened the dog.

The dog started barking and the woman turned and pulled the dog away from the maniacal looking man.

At the moment she turned around, Pan Goatee noticed how repulsively ugly she was.

“Egad,” Pan Goatee emptied his breakfast on the side of the lane, “Some dog is out taking her dog for a walk.”

As the maniac man passed him by looking thoroughly crazed and insane, Pan Goatee walked up to the ugly looking woman and beheaded her.

“This wouldn’t have happened if you had had the courtesy to wear a paper bag over your head when you went out today,” Pan Goatee remarked as he beheaded her.

The four-legged dog barked and snarled.

Pan Goatee beheaded him as well.

“We must put an end to noise pollution in the city,” Pan Goatee commented as he permanently silenced the yippy creature’s excessive barking.

Pan Goatee looked back down the alley at the maniacal looking man who seemed to be walking around in circles as he walked.

“Hm,” Pan Goatee thought to himself, “We can’t have such deranged looking maniacs wandering the streets either. They’re a threat to civilization.”

Pan Goatee walked up to the maniacal deranged looking man and beheaded him.

“We must stop insanity in its tracks while we still have the time,” was Pan Goatee’s verbal homespun bit of philosophy as he sent the man to Hades’ Home For The Chronically Insane.

He then kicked the maniac’s severed head down the alley where it went a fair distance.

Hm, he really should try out to play for Manchester United or maybe a position as a field goal kicker for an NFL team.

That afternoon he beheaded an ugly female cyclist who not only visually assaulted the city with her looks but was also using her bike on the sidewalks instead of the streets as well.

He then beheaded a couple of ugly looking women pedestrians who got too close to him on the sidewalk as he walked along.

After a successful day of beheadings, he went home and read some Nietzsche and Oscar Wilde before going to bed.

Jason would have been proud.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 13th


  1. Dracul Van Helsing said,


    I haven’t listened to the news today (which is rare for me) because I resolved to write a Pan Goatee story for Friday the 13th and it generally takes me a while to write and then several days to fully edit one of my vampire novel chapters.

    So consequently I never bothered to check the news today while busy writing and editing this chapter.

    So I got the shock of my life when somebody now just told me about the Paris massacres today.

    I wouldn’t have written this story if I had known about the real life massacre. 😦

  2. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    Oh, yes…so horrific and so sad. 😦 I have a friend who lives in France, as does all of his family…many kids and grandkids…and I’m still waiting to hear if they are all safe.
    There was no way you could no before you wrote your chapter.
    And I wondered about the whole “Friday the 13th” stuff when I heard about what happened.
    Recently around Halloween, there were some channels (I think like AMC and TCM) who ran the Friday the 13th, and Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street constantly for several day. πŸ™‚

  3. anaatcalin said,

    Wonderfully written, as always. And maybe a bit prophetic you were in the process πŸ™‚ I was prophetic myself, it would seem. I had a significant dream and then I wake and it’s this all over the news. It just hurts so bad. All those people… Still, I’ll always have a few good woords for wonderful writing under any circumstances πŸ™‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I’ve noticed ever since I started writing this vampire novel… (Now a pentalogy… as I’ve written 5 books) some 11 years ago, my writing has turned out to be prophetic on a few occasions.

      That’s interesting about your prophetic dream.

      I remember back on February 10th 2013 I had a dream where my dad (who died of cancer 3 years earlier) appeared to me and said “Chris, I have something important to tell you… (Name of individual) is going to announce his resignation for health reasons”.

      The next day February 11th 2013, I got the shock of my life when I visited the BBC News Website and it said that Pope Benedict XVI (the individual my dad had named in the dream) announced he was resigning due to health reasons.

      The second thing my dad said was that his successor would enjoy a popularity unprecedented for a Pope in human history.

      I’ll let the news headlines of the past few years speak for themselves about whether what my dad told me in the dream was accurate.

      And the third thing my dad said absolutely terrified me.

      It hasn’t happened yet.

      But the fact Pope Benedict XVI resigned the next day shook me to the core.

      And then when lightning struck Saint Peter’s Basilica’s dome after Benedict’s announcement not once but twice- that really shook me- because it seemed to highlight the third thing- the terrifying thing my dad told me.

      And then when a huge meteor landed in Russia the Friday after the announcement of Benedict’s resignation, that too shook me because it also strongly hinted at the third thing my dad told me.

      Of course, the second thing about the popularity of Benedict’s successor which has come to pass likewise shows that the terrifying thing might come to pass.

      I’ve been very reluctant to reveal what the third thing was because people might think I’ve lost my mind it’s so unbelievable.

      In my vampire novel since that day, I’ve dropped hints as to what that third thing will be just on the off chance that my dream is 100% prophetic and I was given this warning to pass on to the world.

      But I still don’t want to say just on the off chance that the men in the white jackets will come to take me away and put me in a padded room with the sign outside the door, “Lunatic inside.”

      • anaatcalin said,

        Christ, this is incredible – namely, that before I received this message I was thinking of the Pope!!! And that if anyone can help and truly be effective in the war against terrorism it would be the Church. They know the best trained people and have the right connections. Any government is useless, due to old and obsolete individuals in charche and the obsession with money. Too much focus on money, it’s already pathological. What you say about premonitions actually makes sense – I’m someone with a lot of psych training, won’t go in on it now – but your erudition and passion with study have built in an intuition that picks on the slightest hints that you might not be aware of. They result in dreams. This is the very short version. This does not mean that higher powers aren’t at work here – they are. I’d like to know what the third thig is, but if you can’t tell I understand. But please give me at least a hint or two, I’ll try to put it together. If you want to go in depth, my address is

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’ll think about telling you the third thing. πŸ™‚

        I’ll take some time to think about it.

        Actually interestingly enough the chapters I’ve written this past week hint about the third thing.

      • Nicholas C. Rossis said,

        You do realize you have to tell us (or at least me) what that 3rd thing is now, right? πŸ™‚

        Electra (the missus) went to a French school, so we have a lot of friends in Paris. We’re still waiting to hear from them. Madness…

        “He would only bump off ugly women: – has Pan been reading Boris Vian’s brilliant Et on tuera tous les affreux (To Hell With the Ugly)?

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Hopefully your wife’s friends will be okay.

        Yes, you mentioned Vian’s book once before in a comment on a previous chapter featuring Pan Goatee.

        I googled that book when you mentioned it and read the description of what it was about- it sounds very much like Pan Goatee at work but no I’ve never read the book or knew of it until you mentioned it.

        I’m still debating whether to directly mention the third part of that dream.

        I’ve hinted at it most recently in my chapters from November 4th onwards.

      • Nicholas C. Rossis said,

        There are too many cultural references in your posts for us to know which one you’re talking about πŸ™‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        There’s one theme alluded to in this chapter which is also found in the one written on November 4th and particularly in the comments section.

        I think that should give you a pretty clear hint.

      • Nicholas C. Rossis said,

        We just heard back from our friends who live some 500 yards from the place that was attacked. They’re all fine, thank God. Phew…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That is indeed a relief to hear, Nicholas.

  4. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    Come to think of it, Nazism’s Uebermensh and racial superiority theories can be considered beautification projects, with all that gold-hair-blue-eyes fixation.

    And Nero was supposedly inspired to compose while Rome was burning.

    Pan is following a time-honored tradition of senseless mayhem in the name of beauty.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, in my first year philosophy class in University, when we came to Nietzsche, my professor talked a lot about Nietzsche’s ideas on Apollonian rationality and Dionysian enthusiasm.

      As the character of Pan Goatee developed, he sort of became a combination of the two.

      One who practiced Dionysian chaos all the while attracted by Apollonian ideas of beauty.

  5. Hyperion said,

    Chris, this is a very interesting and as you noted, prophetic post. Surely you felt the vibes. I too have these waking dreams where I receive messages and they always come to pass exactly as envisioned. I have no control of it and if I squeeze my brain for the winning lottery ticket number, it lies to me to teach me a lesson. My very objective and scientific research in this area has turned up some interesting facts about the human mind that facilitates delving into the more popular mysticism. I’ve discussed some of it with Ana who is a remarkable intuitive and brilliant woman. I wonder if my premonitions are close to your own. I predicted the death of the Pope to a host of Catholics that scourged me terribly for my insanity and then within a week he was dead. No one wanted to talk to me anymore about it. I have a long list of these moments of clarity and intuition. It’s not unusual. What is unusual is the detail. When I read your posts that have a sense of prediction to them, I take note.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Would that have been John Paul II whose death you foresaw happening?

      That is interesting, Daniel.

      Yes, I’ve always been fascinated by the prophetic nature of certain dreams.

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes, I believe it was. I didn’t care much for the scourging I received for telling them what I saw but I understood it. Then when it happened, I didn’t try to make my point but it did have an impact. Just wish that winning lottery ticket number would come through πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Strange that they gave you a scourging for having a prophetic dream.

        Because Joseph who was sold by his brothers into slavery in Egypt had several prophetic dreams.

        Nebuchadnezzar the King of Babylon had a prophetic dream that the Prophet Daniel interpeted for him.

        Saint Joseph the husband of Mary was told in a dream he should take Mary and Jesus into Egypt because King Herod was about to go on his baby killing spree.

        The Wise Men were likewise told in a dream after visiting Bethlehem not to return to Jerusalem because Herod would make it unhealthy for them should they return. So they went back to their own lands another way.

        No doubt Herod was upset because his own scribes were unsuccessful in their attempts to forge a document saying that he Herod had in fact been born in Bethlehem and therefore should be considered worthy of Messiah credentials himself.

        So given the prominent role prophetic dreams have played in the Bible, strange these Catholics wanted to give you a scourging.

        Unless of course they were Raymond Brown style modernist Catholics who don’t believe in the existence of the Supernatural which of course would then explain the scourging.

      • Hyperion said,

        Very good examples, Chris. They were coworkers and of course no evil was intended by their raucous denial. I think the problem was that I was not Catholic and made a very unpalatable statement about their beloved pontiff. It never occured to them that the gift of sight might be extended beyond the Church of their choice.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, both Nebuchadnezzar and Pharaoh (the Pharaoh of Joseph’s day) were not of the fold of Israel and both had prophetic dreams.

        The Wise Men were magi (scholarly priests of the Zoroastrian religion) and they had a prophetic dream telling them not to return to Jerusalem:

        As for Popes, they’re only considered infallible when they speak under certain conditions.

        I actually read the original documents of Vatican I (1870-71) that defined what those conditions are when my dad and I joined the Catholic Church before his death in 2010 and when I discovered that the Pope was actually even more limited in saying what was true than most Baptist preachers think of themselves as they preach from their respective pulpits, I decided I didn’t have a problem with the concept of papal infallibility thus defined.

        Popes can make mistakes otherwise.

        For example no doubt if Pope Francis had lived back in Jesus’ day, he’d have rebuked both John the Baptist and even Jesus Himself for not being as merciful as he Pope Francis is.

        John the Baptist he’d have rebuked for saying Herod Antipas should not have married his brother’s wife.

        Rather John should have told Herod to consult his own conscience and then decide for himself what was right for him according to Francis’ thinking.

        Jesus, Pope Francis would no doubt rebuke for being intolerant when he told the woman at the well to go and sin no more.

        Francis with his more enlightened progressive Jesuit opinion would have told Jesus that he should have told the woman to have an inner dialogue with herself and after such a dialogue then decide for herself on her own conduct.

      • Hyperion said,

        A very interesting perspective, Chris. Not everybody has the ability to examine things intellectually or critically from any direction except the one dictated by the local religious leader(s). I wonder what Jesus would have said after his rebuke.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Probably Jesus would have said to Francis what he had once said to Peter when Peter came out with an outrageous statement, “Get thee behind me, Satan.”

      • Hyperion said,

        I can see the, “DOH!” look on Francis’ face πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  6. Φ†Ι¦Ι›Κ€Κ€Ι¨Ι› Ι–Ι› Κ‹ΗŸΚŸΙ›Κ€Ι¨ΗŸ said,

    Nowadays new on terrorism is no new things, anymore. These terrorists has the advantage of advanced-technologies and are well known of their work and skills to spread their evil work everywhere. This is no more a thing that anyone should take lightly.

    My cousin who stayed outskirt of Paris told me that for this reason why she prefer to stay in a small village or town rather than in the city where it is at best targets of all means of mass murder and bombing, or killing … These terrorist seems love to target big places because there they can create a big major media attention and that is what they WANT. They WANT Media ATTENTION for the whole world to see.

    Perhaps the newspaper should find ways to make them small – but the homo sapien love bad movies, bad news, horror events. The media profited from this as well – no questions.

    I hope and pray that all are safe where ever they are.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, terrorists feed on publicity for their heinous actions.

      I too hope and pray that those innocents wherever they live in the world are all safe.

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