Late For The Party

December 31, 2015 at 8:42 pm (Literature, News, Poetry, Short Story) ()

Late For The Party

“Aren’t you ready yet?” The wife asked her husband, “we’re going to be late for the party. I’d like to be there before the clock strikes midnight and the New Year comes.”

“I’m almost finished this poem I’m writing, dear,” the husband smiled, “hold on.”

The wife looked at the clock, “Come on. Let’s go NOW. Your poem is not so important. It’s not as if people are going to be reciting or even remembering it for the next 200-odd years.”

“All right, dear,” the husband got up to get his coat.

The poem lay on his desk,

“Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind…
… we’ll take a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne…”

-Robert Burns, 1788.

-A short short short story
written by Christopher
Thursday December 31st
2015.

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Renfield’s Analysis of The Vatican

December 29, 2015 at 7:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield’s Analysis of The Vatican

And so the spokesman from the Vatican told the BBC News Interviewer, “Any resemblance between Pope Francis’ Vatican and a Freemasonic Lodge is purely coincidental…”

“What do they mean by that?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield.

“It means that the Freemasons have taken over the Vatican,” Renfield sipped his Scotch whisky.

“Does that mean the people in the Vatican are going to start wearing those funny looking Shriners’ hats and drive around in those little go-cart kiddie cars like they do in the Shriners’ parades?” Amadeus asked as he ate his licorice and his box of Jumbo pink candy popcorn.

“Oh probably,” Renfield was busy wondering why Arnold Schwarzenegger was dressed as a 400 Star general in his latest TV commercial.

“Will the Pope be getting free tickets to see the Shriners’ circus?” Amadeus asked as he reached into his bag of balloons to blow one up.

“Most likely,” Renfield finished his whisky, “1st Century Rome was full of bread and circuses. 21st Century Rome will probably be the same.”

“I suppose,” Amadeus reflected, “that gladiatorial to the death combat and people being eaten by lions would really be the ultimate in reality entertainment.”

“Indeed,” Renfield nodded, “and you wouldn’t have to worry about paying your losing talent. The profits would be out of this world.”

“Download for free now from the App Store,” Schwarzenegger said in his thick Austrian accent.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 29th
2015.

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Amadeus and Renfield On Feast of Stephen

December 26, 2015 at 7:41 pm (Christmas, Culture, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Amadeus and Renfield On Feast of Stephen

Amadeus Emanon had not touched his breakfast of a dozen egg omelette, 12 pancakes with maple syrup and a large helping of hash browns smothered in gravy.

Renfield sensed that something must be wrong.

“What is it, Amadeus?” Renfield happily munched away on his own breakfast of steak and eggs.

“Well, I’ve been listening to that radio station that’s been playing Christmas songs the past few weeks and it played Christmas songs all day yesterday and then at exactly 12:01 AM today, it stopped playing Christmas songs. I was kind of hoping they’d play Christmas songs a while longer. After all there’s supposed to be 12 days of Christmas aren’t there?” Amadeus inquired.

“Well,” Renfield reached for his bottle of whiskey and took a huge sip, “do you know what date this is, Amadeus?”.

“December 26th,” Amadeus replied.

“Exactly,” Renfield belched, “Boxing Day. After all, people find it more important to save huge bundles of money on clothing and electronics than they do celebrating that God became human and became one with His own creation. And that’s what Boxing Day is all about, Amadeus Emanon.”

And that was Renfield’s 21st Century Linus to Amadeus’ 21st Century Charlie Brown.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 26th
2015.

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Rita: A Poem

December 25, 2015 at 7:48 pm (Film, Movies, Poetry) (, , )

Rita: A Poem

Images in black and white
filmed more than a lifetime ago
A life no longer present in the world
Yet what is now seen on that screen is not a ghost
but a life and personality captured at a moment in time
A smile of smiles that speaks and warms across the ages
Sent from her lifetime
to mine
Eyes whose soul reflects in them
And touches a heart in the future.

-A poem written by Christopher
Friday December 25th 2015
inspired by watching movies
with Rita Hayworth
my favourite actress.

-Interesting how my film making idol Orson Welles and I not only shared a love for Shakespeare, The King James Bible and the classics but also appeared to have similar taste in women.

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Desert Night: A Poem

December 25, 2015 at 7:00 pm (Poetry) (, , )

Desert Night: A Poem

Howl of the jackal penetrating the darkness
The desert cold
where by day it sizzled with heat
In the day the sun is blinding
By night the stars hang as welcome lanterns
And the moon a beacon lighthouse for an ocean of sand.

-A poem written by Christopher
Friday December 25th
2015.

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Fox and Scully: An X-Files Christmas

December 24, 2015 at 8:01 pm (International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Fox and Scully: An X-Files Christmas

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was dreaming.

And in his dream were FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully of the X-Files.

Mulder: Do you believe in the existence of demons, Scully?

Scully (looking at him) : Define demons, Mulder.

Mulder (laughs) : Ever the sceptic eh, Scully. Well I’m not talking about the inner demons that psychologists and psychiatrists talk about. Nor addictions be it drugs, alcohol, sex.

Scully: Sex addiction eh? (laughs) That’s what you are, Mulder. A sex addict.

Mulder: Sex addict? You really think I’m a sex addict, Scully?

Scully (raises her skirt and crosses her legs) : A sex addict who isn’t getting any sex. That makes you the most dangerous kind. A person who then has the ability to sense the Supernatural when it brushes in on the material plane of existence.

Mulder: I’d love to discuss this fascinating theory of yours sometime, Scully.

Scully: Sure, Mulder. Then I’ll sleep with you. And the end result will be you’ll just become a regular normal run-of-the-mill FBI agent. The X-Files will be shut down. And supernatural entities will then have free reign all over planet Earth to bring about their plans of chaos and disorder.

Mulder: Which brings me back to my original question, Scully. Do you believe in the existence of demons? Demons hereby being defined as usually unseen supernatural entities with the ability to occasionally penetrate this material plane of existence- entities that were once angels- but who fell either as a result of joining a chap called Lucifer in rebellion to overthrow God or angels who fell as a result of a desire or inclination to sleep with mortal women which they did- thereby resulting in their fall.

Scully (laughing) : A desire or inclination to sleep with mortal women? There’s your sex addiction coming through again, Mulder.

Mulder: If you’re going to carry on like this, Scully, maybe we should just go into the bedroom for a quickie right now and get this whole X-Files business over with once and for all.

Scully (laughing) : I’m sorry, Mulder. I do find it fascinating though that you have separated the two events.

Mulder: Two events?

Scully (smiling) : Of how angels became demons. First there were angels who joined Lucifer in rebellion against God. They fell and became demons. Then there were angels who lusted after mortal women – they gave in to this inclination and thus fell and became demons. So there were two sets of demons- angels who were originally revolutionaries and then angels who became horny and then literally became horny (along with pitchfork and tails) afterwards.

Mulder: Well according to the 1st Book of Enoch which is the long expanded non-Reader’s Digest non-condensed narrative of the events described in Genesis Chapter 6, God had set those angels as Watchers over the Earth to watch over humanity. Why would God choose demons as Watchers? If you read the narrative carefully, those Watchers were originally good angels who fell as a result of giving in to their desire to sleep with mortal women.

Scully: All right, Mulder.

Mulder: I was told that in Eastern Orthodox Church tradition angels had up until the 1st Coming of Christ to decide whether they were for or against God. Once Christ arrived the 1st time in incarnate form as a babe in Bethlehem, the choices angels had made up until that point in time decided their eternal fate. Michael, Gabriel and Raphael had consistently chosen for God so their eternal fate as good angels was finally sealed at Christ’s 1st Coming. Just like for humans, the choice is open up until the moment of their death or until the 2nd Coming of Christ (whatever happens first in the respective lives of humans) to decide to be for or against God.

Scully (smiling) : This is fascinating, Mulder. You should have become a priest.

Mulder: I’d have problems with celibacy, Scully, for reasons you deduced earlier in our conversation.

Scully (smiles) : Are you saying that I’m right, Mulder?

Mulder: You’re always right, Scully.

Scully (crossing and uncrossing her legs several times) : True compliments have their rewards, Mulder.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 23rd
2015.

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Renfield’s Voyages of The Starship Perverterprise

December 22, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Satire, Science-Fiction, Short play, Short play/ comedy, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Voyages of The Starship Perverterprise

Renfield was on his computer watching a porno movie he wrote and produced called Star Dick.

The movie began with this narration:

“Star Dick… orgy date 3233.4321 … I’m Captain James E. Quirk. These are the voyages of the Starship Perverterprise… its 5 year mission… to explore strange new positions… to seek out new forms of sexual deviation… to boldly go where no man has gone before…”

The Executive Producer of the film in the credits was listed as Gene Popacherry which was the pseudonym Renfield used for this particular movie.

Renfield watched the following scene from the movie:

(Captain’s Quarters, Starship Perverterprise. Mr. Spook is bending over and Captain Quirk is directly behind him)

Mr. Spook: I must say, Captain, this is a very unusual positron.

Captain Quirk: Indeed Mr. Spook. It’s a position I learned from reading the Kama Sutra that great ancient Indian work of literature. It’s a book you should really read, Mr. Spook. Brush up on the earthling human side of your heritage. After all, a ship’s science officer should not live on Volcanian logic and reasoning alone.

Mr. Spook: So it would appear, Captain. Now if you wouldn’t mind disentangling yourself from my lower regions, I really wouldn’t mind getting back to work.

Captain Quirk: Um… that may be a bit of a problem, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: May I inquire as to why that is so, Captain?

Captain Quirk: I must confess that I didn’t read the rest of that particular chapter of the Kama Sutra, Mr. Spook. The part that gives instructions for disentanglement.

Mr. Spook: A fine mess you’ve got us into, Captain. Do you propose that we walk around the Perverterprise like this? Like a set of conjoined Siamese twins born into the condition of a permanent pose in a Turkish bath house orgy?

Captain Quirk: I’m trying to think, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: I wish you had done some thinking before hand, Captain. It’s rushing ahead without using the principles of logic that often leads to catastrophic situations such as the one we currently find ourselves in.

Captain Quirk: Well I don’t exactly recall you saying no when I first proposed this experiment, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: Well as the ship’s science officer, I thought it might expand my knowledge of the universe. I wasn’t counting on it expanding the cleft between my buttocks instead.

Captain Quirk: Hold on, Mr. Spook, I’m going to get my beeper out.

Mr. Spook: Oh God. Not again, Captain.

Captain Quirk: I was referring to my telecommunicator, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: Oh, thank heavens.

Captain Quirk (on his telecommunicator) : Are you there, Scatty?

Scatty (with a thick Scottish brogue) : I’m in the engine room, Captain. I’m eating some Scottish haggis and playing with the lever on my control panel.

Captain Quirk: Scatty, I need you to go down to the ship’s library and get the volume of the Kama Sutra and bring it to my private quarters immediately.

Scatty: Why should I do that, Captain?

Captain Quirk: Because even though we live in the 23rd Century, our advanced space-based civilization seems to have forgotten how to use the Internet and Google.

Scatty: No, I mean, why do you require the Kama Sutra, Captain?

Captain Quirk: That’s none of your business, Mr. Scat. Just get to the library and get the damned Kama Sutra and bring it here.

(Quirk angrily closes the top flap on his Telecommunicator)

Mr. Spook: With all due respect, Captain, I think Scatty is going to discover the reason why you need the Kama Sutra when he walks into the room and discovers us like this.

Captain Quirk: I’ll worry about crossing that bridge when I come to it, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: I have the feeling Julius Caesar never encountered such a problem when he crossed the Rubicon.

Captain Quirk: Which explains how he ended up Dictator of the Roman Republic while I’m only the captain of the Starship Perverterprise.

(Quirk’s telecommunicator goes off)

Quirk (opening up his telecommunicator) : What is it, Scatty?

Scatty: I canna leave the engine room, Captain. One of the engines is undergoing a meltdown.

Captain Quirk: An engine meltdown?

Scatty: Yes, Captain, ever since a reproduction print of the early 20th Century Modigliani reclining nude portrait painting of the famous immortal Sherrielock Holmes was placed in the engine room, our engines have experienced numerous meltdowns.

Mr. Spook (commenting) : The lobsters in the ship’s aquarium have also experienced severe hyperventilating problems ever since that painting was unveiled, Captain.

Captain Quirk: All right, Scatty. I’ll try to get ahold of Mr. Mumu or Officer Rockoff.

Scatty: I must remind you, Captain- that all of the ship’s men are currently in the ship’s theatre watching tonight’s UFC Fight from Alpha Centauri.

Captain Quirk: Damn. I forgot about that.

Mr. Spook: If you wouldn’t mind listening to a Volcanian observation of condescending superiority, Captain, it seems that all you earthling men ever think about is sex or sports.

Captain Quirk: I’m afraid you’ve got us there, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: And thanks to a temporary lapse in my Volcanian logical reasoning ability and judgement, I’m afraid you’ve got me there as well, Captain.

Captain Quirk (on telecommunicator) : All right, Scatty. I’ll try to get ahold of the ship’s communications officer Lt. Ucausehardonia.

Scatty: All right, Captain. I must go now. There goes another engine.

Captain Quirk: So long, Scatty.

Mr. Spook: I hope you can get ahold of Lt. Ucausehardonia because my Volcanian ears can feel a 7 year itch coming on.

Captain Quirk: This is going to be embarrassing asking a woman to fetch the Kama Sutra from the library, Mr. Spook. When Lt. Ucausehardonia comes here and finds us like this, she’s going to wonder about my sexual orientation.

Mr. Spook: My own judgement of your sexual orientation was made up the moment you suggested this bizarre exercise in physical gymnastics, Captain. I just went along with it because being a Volcanian, I’ll try anything once- a cultural tradition I’ll now be forced to re-evaluate in lieu of this particular incident.

Captain Quirk (on telecommunicator) : Lt. Ucausehardonia?

Lt. Ucausehardonia: Lt. Ucausehardonia here, Captain.

Captain Quirk: Lt., I was wondering if you could go down to the library and pick up the volume of the Kama Sutra located there and bring it here to my private quarters.

Lt. Ucausehardonia (in a sexy sultry voice) : Gosh, you’ve been feeling awfully amorous the past 24 hours haven’t you, Captain? I still haven’t recovered from your historical re-enactment of Evel Knievel penetrating into the Grand Canyon that you performed on me last night.

Captain Quirk (his face turning red) :
Actually, I was just wanting to finish reading a particular chapter I’ve never finished reading.

Lt. Ucausehardonia: Well I’m afraid the ship’s doctor Boner MacRoy checked that book out of the library when he left for 3 days vacation on the planet Orgasma, Captain.

Captain Quirk: All right, thanks anyways, Lt. (puts down the flap on his telecommunicator) : Shit! How could you do this to me, Boner?

Mr. Spook: So Captain, it appears that the good doctor has screwed you in more ways than one.

Captain Quirk: I’m… we’re going to have to go down to the bridge and set an emergency course to the planet Orgasma to pick up that book.

Mr. Spook: So we’ll have to walk the corridors of the Perverterprise looking like a kinky circus act in some Quentin Tarantino burlesque freak show.

Captain Quirk: I’m afraid so, Mr. Spook. I just hope that when we’re down on the bridge, the Federation doesn’t decide to hold one of their impromptu interplanetary televised teleconferencing calls. Where the whole galaxy will see us like this. Otherwise I’ll have a terrible time trying to explain this to the Federation.

Mr. Spook: To say nothing of your girlfriend, Captain.

– A vampire novel chapter
and Renfieldian episode
of Star Dick: Voyages
of The Starship Perverterprise
written by Christopher
during the period
Friday December 18th
to
Monday December 21st
2015.

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Nobody’s Hero

December 21, 2015 at 8:06 pm (Uncategorized)

This was a short story I wrote back in April of 2013.

It’s actually quite different from the stuff I usually write (which is usually of a supernatural or mythological and folkloric nature).

Since I now have many more readers than I did back in April of 2013, I thought I would share this again.

Dracul Van Helsing

Ted Logan was nobody’s hero.

 

He wasn’t a hero to his wife.

 

He wasn’t a hero to his father.

 

He wasn’t a hero to his son.

 

He wasn’t even a hero to himself.

 

Ted Logan was a hockey player.

 

30 years old.

 

Played most of his life in the minor leagues.

 

Was called up to the NHL occasionally for a few games but was quickly hustled back down to the farm teams.

 

Over the course of his hockey career, 6 NHL Hockey teams had held his rights.

 

When he was traded, it was usually because both the major league team and the farm team wanted to give him up.

 

Now he was with his 7th NHL team.

 

But no lucky 7 for him.

 

Once again he played down on the farm.

 

But injuries to a couple…

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Ziegevolk: A Poem

December 20, 2015 at 8:34 pm (Folklore, Horror, Humour, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Ziegevolk: A Poem

The lights are dim
reach for Brothers Grimm
a book on the antiquated shelf
right next to a plastic elf.

Open the volume of ancient lore
cast the spell and open the door
The woods are peopled with these Bluebeard folk
who eat amphibious toads while frogs croak
These goat people known as Ziegevolk
never appear in ads for Coke
unlike the jolly fellow in the red suit
they wear clothes black as chimney soot

These goat people are quite horny
their pick up lines really corny
They emit many pheromones
as well as bedroom groans.

On nights just before Christmas the Ziegevolk Titus arises
a Bluebeard full of surprises
He slays people left and right
with sword held in hand so tight
The snow is blood red
and many lay dead
not a living soul
by the village pole
no one left to pay the tavern bill
for these dead folk who drank their fill

Titus was a tavern keeper’s worst nightmare
he slew the customers before they paid their fare
A bleak Christmas for all
thanks to Titus’ gall.

-A Christmas poem
about Ziegevolk
written by Christopher
Sunday December 20th
2015.

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Footprints In The Snow: A Poem

December 19, 2015 at 9:20 pm (Humour, Poetry) (, , , )

Footprints In The Snow: A Poem

Footprints in the snow
made not so long ago
they twist and turn
here, there, to and fro
by a beer drinking
bunny rabbit
with miles to go
what was in that smoke
I inhaled not so long ago?

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday December 19th
2015.

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