The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

December 2, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

After the Kraken found out he was unable to defeat the Cherubim with their flaming swords that guarded the Tree of Life at the east of the Garden of Eden, he quickly fled the Middle East.

Medusa herself stayed behind to do some shopping in the fashion districts of Dubai.

She caught up with the Kraken in Paris.

The Kraken, who in his former pre-Kraken existence had been the noted Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus, now called himself Napoleon VI.

Since today was December 2nd, he decided he’d officially Crown himself Emperor of the French since it was on this date back in 1804 that Napoleon I had crowned himself Emperor of France at Notre Dame Cathedral and it was on this date back in 1852 that Napoleon III had proclaimed himself Emperor of the French.

Napoleon VI went down to the Louvre and helped himself to the Crown of Napoleon I.

The security guards decided not to argue with him since he was a Kraken (they had seen the Geico Insurance TV commercials where a kraken had caused havoc on a golf course).

Outside the Louvre, he strangled a bunch of Islamist terrorists who got in his way (they had not seen the Geico kraken golf course commercials since their major entertainment fare these days consisted of producing and starring in beheading videos).

When Medusa arrived in their hotel room, the Kraken was standing there holding the Imperial Crown of Napoleon I in one of his eight spiked tentacle metallic hands.

He announced he was going down to Notre Dame Cathedral to have the Monsignor there crown him Emperor Napoleon VI of France.

Medusa insisted that was fine but she had better pick up a new dress for the Coronation first.

So some 3-4 hours later and now in their 66th dress shop in Paris’ exclusive fashion district, the Kraken looked at the Rolex watch on one of his 8 tentacled arms and sighed, “I’d really like to get to Notre Dame before it closes.”

“Oh, be quiet, you big grump,” Medusa gazed in the mirror at the dress she was currently wearing, “being crowned Empress of the French is a once in a lifetime experience.”

. . .

Later in Notre Dame Cathedral, Medusa wore a beautiful gold coloured evening dress that Helen of Troy would have probably dumped Paris for and the Kraken wore his post-human Transhuman cyborg octopus test tube birthday suit since he was unable to find a tux that would fit him at the All Night Men’s Formal Wear Rental Store that they had visited.

The Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral was shocked when confronted with the sight of a Kraken wanting himself crowned Emperor Napoleon VI of France.

“I better phone my superiors for permission first,” the Monsignor said.

. . .

“The bells, the bells,” the hunchback papal assistant Quasihomo held his hands over his ears as the papal cell phone went off.

Later Quasihomo entered the papal apartment where Pope Francis was in bed reading a book called How To Look Humble and Self- Effacing In Public (Hint: Only Use A Compact Ford Or Volvo Or Similar Vehicle As Your Popemobile).

“Holy Father, the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris is on the line,” Quasihomo explained, “he says that a Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI and the former Gorgon called Medusa want themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France inside the Cathedral.”

Pope Francis reached for his copy of Dogmatic Theology For Dummies, “Did you say a Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI and the former Gorgon called Medusa want themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France inside Notre Dame Cathedral ?”.

“Yes,” said Quasihomo.

“Well, who am I to judge?” said Pope Francis.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 2nd


  1. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    Lol – how I love a great punch line 😀

  2. anaatcalin said,

    So cool! Do I sense the symbolism of culture and education (along with its respective aggressive parts) are the salvation of Europe? Maybe I just read between the lines what I want to read 🙂

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Maybe that’s there unconsciously in my writing, Ana. 🙂

      I wrote about the Kraken Napoleon VI making himself Emperor of France because of the date December 2nd since that was the date in 1804 and 1852 respectively that Napoleon I and Napoleon III made themselves Emperors of France.

      Although if Europe were to reclaim its heritage as it once existed, the continent might awaken to its senses.

      Today it seems to be moving about in a postmodernist sleepwalk with the occasional outburst of existentialist angst.

  3. Hyperion said,

    Very entertaining Chris! I think the new First Couple of France could have good luck eradicating France of the infestation of Infidel extremists. I give them my support and best wishes.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, I think they’ll do an excellent job of ridding France of infidel extremists. 🙂

      I too wish them all the best.

      • Hyperion said,

        I thought it was interesting that it was the French that gave the Muslims the name Infidel in the Crusades.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, that is interesting.

        That’s probably why the militant Islamists spend so much time attacking France.

        They still haven’t forgiven them for the name Infidel.

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes, and they tried to use it on all those that don’t follow their demonic pursuits. They don’t realize that those they would call an Infidel for resisting their putrification wear the name with pride.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed. 🙂

        Here’s a link to my one of my chapters where I have Renfield doing a 21st Century version of Vlad The Impaler if Vlad had had 21st Century technology at his disposal.

        Islamist terrorists: Beware of Renfield!

      • Hyperion said,

        Enjoyed that a lot Chris! I am hoping this is prophetic as well.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I hope it is, Daniel. 🙂

        If you know anyone in government who’d like to see this done, I’m willing to be hired as the director for such videos.

        Not only will it help pay my rent but I’ll doing a job that’s ultimately of great benefit and service to humanity so it will probably help me feel good about myself.

        I can offer myself as a potential guest to Oprah to discuss her never ending favourite topic, “How to find fulfillment in life” although Oprah may not find my methods of self-fulfillment particularly suitable to her own Group Hug philosophy of life.

      • Hyperion said,

        Hahahahahaha! Perhaps it would go over even better on Russian TV shows where they would understand and appreciate a stern and effective approach to problem resolution.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, maybe I should send that chapter to Vladimir Putin along with my résumé. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        You could find yourself working with Mr. Snowden 😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I could indeed. 😀

        LOL !

      • Hyperion said,

        I can see his face when Renfield, Amadeus, Pan Goatee, and Michelangelo show up to chat.

  4. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    It would be a surprise indeed.

    Reminds me of a scene from a early 1960s movie version of The Brothers Grimm when the characters in their tales came to visit one of the brothers.

  5. ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

    You have always been good in this, Chris. Making up stories on demi-gods with the nowadays political world can be such a mess somehow. But then, if Kraken get his permission from the Pope himself, who is there to say? I wish that Pilates could’ve give the least confirmation that Jesus was the King … *sigh*

    Long Live the Kraken! LOL

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Pilate wrote the sign on the Cross in Hebrew, Greek and Latin, This is Jesus of Nazareth The King of the Jews.

      And when the Pharisees objected, Pilate said, “What I have written, I have written.”

      As for the Kraken, the French will say, “Vive le kraken.”

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Yes, it was written on the sign of the Cross. To think of it that it was all meant to be. Jesus knew he has to be sacrificed on the Roman’s Cross. Somehow, he chosed the Roman’s Cross as his symbol of belief until today, when the actual fact is that we all know throughout history that those Roman’s crosses are death cross where they executed all people – innocents & criminals all alike.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, there’s an Old Testament prophecy about “Cursed is he who dies on a tree.”

        That’s why to the Jews crucifixion was so abhorrent because it was death on a tree.

        In dying on a tree and taking on Himself the sins of the world, Christ cursed sin.

        Of course when Christ died on the Cross, the Devil thought he had triumphed.

        But he was quite disappointed when Christ rose from the dead 3 days later.

        What should have been the Devil’s greatest victory turned out to be his greatest defeat.

        That’s why the Devil hates the Sign of the Cross.

        It’s the constant reminder to him that what he thought was his greatest victory turned out to be his greatest defeat.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        That is so odd when the Jews believe that death is on the tree. Even Judas hung himself on the tree. But to the Druids, the trees are Life and so are my folks too.

        We respected and love trees because they are the direct connection to Mother Earth. Death for my people are always the one who got slayed by metal sword.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I suppose it was their memory of eating the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil bringing death that made them associate trees with death.

        They forgot about the other Tree in the Garden of Eden- the Tree of Life.

        Ironically, the Cross on which Christ died became the new Tree of Life.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        I got a neighbor here who wore a pendant of Tree of Life – people think she is some kind of a witch. LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Would that be the Tree of Life sign from the Tarot cards she wore as a pendant?

        Because a lot of the tarot symbols are from the books of Kabbalah.

        And certain Kabbalistic books do have dark practices like invoking demons.

        So I can see why some people might view the Kabbalistic tarot symbol of the Tree of Life as witchcraft.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        I am not sure on that. But I know she wore a pendant that is a tree of life. I never ask because I do not want to be rude. She has a David’s pentagram at her home and I know she is partly a Jew herself.

        But according to her, not all practices are that of what people thought as satanic. The thing is, according to history and legends, she said that her Jew families has those practices on invoking demons just as their fore-fathers before them and of course, the great King Solomon. There are things of the Jews are kept secret within the family or their community as to prevent the normal people knowing certain rituals and even symbols which are forbidden to be used.

        I did asked if all the King Solomon’s seals which we saw today in books and internet are real at all? She said only an expert would know if the seal is a perfect diagram and not the fake one. Sometimes the printing of a paper can make mistakes on the seals as it causes distorted images and it won’t work.

        But to play with those things are very dangerous. No one want to invoke a demon or even to call out the devil. Only King Solomon has the power over such creatures and they cannot even kill Solomon for he is protected by the Lord Himself, anyway. They feared the LORD’s wrath and so they do or whatsoever that Solomon wanted them to do. People like us will end up dead or in hell if we ever try to do such thing … 😛

        And my neighbor friend told me also that her family has a book on calling out to certain angels as they have their own seal. She told me for example that they have the seal of the angel Uriel – they can call out to him if they want too. But for so many generation no one do that … Whatever will happen if one do such ritual … I do not want to know …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That would be scary to engage in that ritual.

        I suspect a lot of amateurs use those rituals and a lot of havoc arises in their wake.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        It is scary. You know, only the Jews had the permission to have such power and they are INDEED, the Chosen People whom God picked from all the race on earth at that time.

        If one read the bible, the whole histories of the Old Testament are filled with magics and rituals. At that time when angels are roaming among the people of Abraham and speaks to them directly through Moses …

        How much more powers are there given to these people by the Lord? One can never know. But yes, they are God’s people.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


        And how sad when they fell into worshipping dark angels for their own sake like what happened to King Ahab and Queen Jezebel of Israel and some of the later Kings of Judah who worshipped dark gods like Moloch

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Because being bad is easier than trying to be good. My grandfather told me once that even a good man lies too. That is our nature, he said. Even God told Abraham to lied to Pharaoh that his wife is actually his sister. Pharaoh wondered why he cannot touch her until he asked Abraham the truth. That was odd, isn’t it? Actually, there is no need for Abraham to do that. But God has His reasons we cannot really comprehend …

        Yes, even the great King Saul fell for the dark arts and waking the dead Elijah using the Witch of Endor. And even King David fell too. And even King Solomon fell, although he is even more greater than his father did. He allowed his wives to hold their beliefs and other gods into the city which caused havoc later during his reign … King’s life is a curse, really …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, being a ruler or leader is truly a difficult job.

        That’s why Solomon was so wise to choose wisdom when God asked Solomon what he wanted from Him.

        Because it truly takes wisdom to be a good and great ruler and leader.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        He is way too wise that his kindness turned into the wrong direction. He thought he would learn and have much knowledge from his wives that he might earn something out of it …

        But he is, indeed, still the wisest man on earth ever. He wrote love poem and the truth is, he wrote even quite erotic poems on his love for his women. Not sure if the people at that time understand his writings – well, not sure if anyone knew of his writings except for the scribers. I read a few of his writings on Queen Sheba, he was really in love with her – a rare beauty and also a highly intelligent, brave woman too.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I remember you saying you had read erotic love poems written by the Queen of Sheba to King Solomon which I found interesting because I didn’t know that she had done that.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Oh, really? I want to read that one from her.
        It was not long ago when I read on King Solomon and Queen Sheba and always find that part of their first meeting was hillarious.

        King Solomon purposed made a clear glass for her to walk on which she though was water just because he wanted to check out the story on her hair legs. The thing which made me laugh was, he comanded his demons to get rid of her hairs after that. Well, at that time when razor did not exist. I wonder if that hurts … 😛

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I hadn’t heard that story before. LOL !

        Is that in the Old Testament account?

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        I am not sure if that was written in the Old Testament, but I have a book on the legend of Solomon and his beloved Sheba. Stories on speculations that she is a demon called Bilkis and she has hair legs. Awesome story, huh? Gosh … we Asian girl has smooth legs! Thank goodness for that gift!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thank goodness for that, Sherrie.

        Because I want to be spanked by a beautiful woman with sexy shapely legs not a demon with hairy legs. 😀

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        She must be related to Pan Goatee, a half goat lady. Hairy as ever! And Sheba has quite indeed a manical sexual drive! LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        So you could say according to that old legend, the Queen of Sheba was as horny as a goat. 😀

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Oh yeah. I know that the demon goat has a strong sexual drive. I’d read that somewhere. Worse than some succubus! 😛

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The goat mobile with advanced sexual drive. 0 to 150 in 0.4 seconds.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Yeah. Very fast, indeed.
        Then the goats got traffic issues and accidents! LOL
        I’ve seen on this on Grimm’ stories about the goat people as Ziegefolk or Bluebeard – they ate toads to increase a certain hormones to inducing romantic feelings.

        Here’s how they look like! LOL
        Hairy thang!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’ve never read the Grimm stories about the goat people.

        I think the collection of Grimm Fairy Tales that my parents gave me was a rather sanitized version.

        I’ve heard of Bluebeard the famous wife killer but I didn’t know he was a goat person.

        And I didn’t know he was mentioned in Grimm.

        Ziegefolk I’ve never heard of.

        I’ll have to read more on him.

        That’s a really terrifying gif image.

        They’re almost like shape shifters- those goat people.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        It is a rare kind of goat. According to legend, these type are the only one that can manipulate people’s mind. Ziegefolk is a German word for “BlueBeard” as the goat-folk or goat-people.

        I have few collections of the original Grimm’s tales and it is quite a dark world inside those writing of theirs. The actual fact is that, those are not stories-made ONLY by the Grimm – according to one professor in one of the German University, who is an experts on legends and world literatures, he said that the Grimm did not make stories – those are their journals. They’d seen the monsters in those days and yet people had changed it all into some kind of fairy-tale …

        Speaking on the Grimm brothers, now there is a “Krampus” Christmas Nightmare Horror film just came out. I’m going to watch this with my brother soon.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Those legends of the goat-people sound fascinating, Sherrie.

        So Ziegefolk is the German word for Bluebeard?

        I take it the beards these goat people had were blue?

        That’s really interesting what that German professor said about the Brothers Grimm.

        There was a TV show called Grimm… think it started about 2011 which operated on the same premise as that professor’s theory. They kept moving the nights on which it was on so I never watched many episodes.

        I don’t know if it’s still on television.

        Pan Goatee is based on the Greek myths of satyrs.

        But I’ll have to introduce a character based on the German goat people- the Ziegefolk- the Bluebeard.

        Yes, I’ve seen the trailers for that new Krampus Christmas horror film.

        It looks interesting.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Oh yes. I saw the trailer of that Grimm on TV, but I haven’t watch it yet. My daughter told me that it is really, really good and that I should watch it. She knew my taste of thing. hehe … At the moment I’m watching Salem Season 2. Now, that Salem is really freaking good.

        I think, the Germans or in general the European paranormal stories are really the best. All the monsters of the dark came from this land. 😛

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed, a lot of the dark monster legends did originate in continental Europe.

        There’s plenty of inspiration to draw from in all that monster lore. 🙂

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Yes … and even Hitler came from this part of the world … 😛
        Who knows … maybe the door to Hell is hidden somewhere here in the European woods …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That could very well be, Sherrie.

        I think there are doors to Hell on every continent and every country in the world.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Really scary … A friend of mine brought a book on Pentagram, churches secrets, dangerous community, Old Religion and so on … She knew I really love it and she brought this to me as she visited me before I drove off up to the mountain.

        It was a scary book and yet there are loads of logic on geometric maps. The one which we knew is the famous sacred geometry of Rennes le Château and I am in the mid of reading it, still.
        I will, of course, continue reading this amazing book and some other new books I ordered and I had some new ideas for the next chapters of my Shadow People’s story. I have not the time to continue and I got many things to settle … Well, you know what I mean, Chris …

        Now, I am eating in my cottage’s kitchen, with LOADS of stuffs piled on the cabinet and on the floor! LOL
        I got loads of things to do here, but I am so happy and excited as Christmas is approaching closer.

        I am decorating the place with more new Christmas decos as to surprise the kids when they come the next week! I had boxes of heavy Christmas lights for the pine trees and bushes outside too. This is the first time I do this on my own alone, but I am quite an independent tom-boy type of mom who would climb the trees and mountains and sitting on the edge of dangerous cliffs!

        At least here it is peaceful. And surprisingly no snow. 😛

        Hope that I would enjoy my time … But you know what? It is quite creepy to be alone up here in the mountains when the night come. I purposely play the CDs loud enough to drown the strange noises in the woods! LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I hope despite all your turmoil that you’ve suffered that you somehow manage to have a good Christmas this year, my friend.

        Rennes-le-Chateau – that sinister Asmodeus figure on the Baptismal fount- probably one of Hell’s portals on Earth.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Yes, truly a fascinating thing, isn’t it?
        I was thinking, I might go travel to this places the next year between spring and summer. Anyway, I always drive up to France to send my kids to see their friends over there (even visiting my cousins).

        Just checking the maps enroute to Rennes and see the possibilities of staying in an inn in one of the villages.


      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, I hear they have very beautiful inns in some of those small villages in France.

        Sounds like a lovely trip. 🙂

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Oh, it will be!
        But then … another more than half and a year to go until then … got to wait until summer come …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, I guess it will be waiting time for you. 🙂

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Well, I go to work, taking care of stuffs and kids, and writing, gardening and cooking, baking, etc … Then! It is summer again in no time!


      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s a positive outlook. 🙂

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Oh yes. Work and activities distract your mind from thinking too much. Most of the time it really helps. But other days one do need a short time vacation to re-enegize oneself’s mind and body.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s when eating some magic mushroom buns comes in handy. 😀

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        hahaha …
        Yes. You’ll be STONE for weeks.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed. 😀

        LOL !

  6. French Presidential Election: A Defeat For The Kraken | Dracul Van Helsing said,

    […] Notre Dame Cathedral. The coronation had received the papal blessing of Pope Francis. (Please read […]

  7. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    Reblogged this on Dracul Van Helsing and commented:

    A vampire novel chapter I wrote 3 years ago about how the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI – A cyborg octopus with metallic tentacles – formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus and his wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (now very beautiful looking since Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands II gave her a radical haircut and cut all the snakes off her head) got themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in Notre Dame Cathedral.

  8. David Redpath said,

    Perhaps a
    laissez-faire papacy
    is the Catholic Church
    on a sabbatical holiday?
    That Polish guy
    gave Opus Dei a try.
    And the German,
    got so tired
    covering up
    for the wolfgang
    he had to prematurely retire.

  9. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    That is a most excellent description of the Bergoglian papacy, David.

    A laissez-faire papacy.

    The only “hands on” that is allowed is between a priest and an altar boy in the sacristy.

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