Renfield’s Voyages of The Starship Perverterprise

December 22, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Satire, Science-Fiction, Short play, Short play/ comedy, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Voyages of The Starship Perverterprise

Renfield was on his computer watching a porno movie he wrote and produced called Star Dick.

The movie began with this narration:

“Star Dick… orgy date 3233.4321 … I’m Captain James E. Quirk. These are the voyages of the Starship Perverterprise… its 5 year mission… to explore strange new positions… to seek out new forms of sexual deviation… to boldly go where no man has gone before…”

The Executive Producer of the film in the credits was listed as Gene Popacherry which was the pseudonym Renfield used for this particular movie.

Renfield watched the following scene from the movie:

(Captain’s Quarters, Starship Perverterprise. Mr. Spook is bending over and Captain Quirk is directly behind him)

Mr. Spook: I must say, Captain, this is a very unusual positron.

Captain Quirk: Indeed Mr. Spook. It’s a position I learned from reading the Kama Sutra that great ancient Indian work of literature. It’s a book you should really read, Mr. Spook. Brush up on the earthling human side of your heritage. After all, a ship’s science officer should not live on Volcanian logic and reasoning alone.

Mr. Spook: So it would appear, Captain. Now if you wouldn’t mind disentangling yourself from my lower regions, I really wouldn’t mind getting back to work.

Captain Quirk: Um… that may be a bit of a problem, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: May I inquire as to why that is so, Captain?

Captain Quirk: I must confess that I didn’t read the rest of that particular chapter of the Kama Sutra, Mr. Spook. The part that gives instructions for disentanglement.

Mr. Spook: A fine mess you’ve got us into, Captain. Do you propose that we walk around the Perverterprise like this? Like a set of conjoined Siamese twins born into the condition of a permanent pose in a Turkish bath house orgy?

Captain Quirk: I’m trying to think, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: I wish you had done some thinking before hand, Captain. It’s rushing ahead without using the principles of logic that often leads to catastrophic situations such as the one we currently find ourselves in.

Captain Quirk: Well I don’t exactly recall you saying no when I first proposed this experiment, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: Well as the ship’s science officer, I thought it might expand my knowledge of the universe. I wasn’t counting on it expanding the cleft between my buttocks instead.

Captain Quirk: Hold on, Mr. Spook, I’m going to get my beeper out.

Mr. Spook: Oh God. Not again, Captain.

Captain Quirk: I was referring to my telecommunicator, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: Oh, thank heavens.

Captain Quirk (on his telecommunicator) : Are you there, Scatty?

Scatty (with a thick Scottish brogue) : I’m in the engine room, Captain. I’m eating some Scottish haggis and playing with the lever on my control panel.

Captain Quirk: Scatty, I need you to go down to the ship’s library and get the volume of the Kama Sutra and bring it to my private quarters immediately.

Scatty: Why should I do that, Captain?

Captain Quirk: Because even though we live in the 23rd Century, our advanced space-based civilization seems to have forgotten how to use the Internet and Google.

Scatty: No, I mean, why do you require the Kama Sutra, Captain?

Captain Quirk: That’s none of your business, Mr. Scat. Just get to the library and get the damned Kama Sutra and bring it here.

(Quirk angrily closes the top flap on his Telecommunicator)

Mr. Spook: With all due respect, Captain, I think Scatty is going to discover the reason why you need the Kama Sutra when he walks into the room and discovers us like this.

Captain Quirk: I’ll worry about crossing that bridge when I come to it, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: I have the feeling Julius Caesar never encountered such a problem when he crossed the Rubicon.

Captain Quirk: Which explains how he ended up Dictator of the Roman Republic while I’m only the captain of the Starship Perverterprise.

(Quirk’s telecommunicator goes off)

Quirk (opening up his telecommunicator) : What is it, Scatty?

Scatty: I canna leave the engine room, Captain. One of the engines is undergoing a meltdown.

Captain Quirk: An engine meltdown?

Scatty: Yes, Captain, ever since a reproduction print of the early 20th Century Modigliani reclining nude portrait painting of the famous immortal Sherrielock Holmes was placed in the engine room, our engines have experienced numerous meltdowns.

Mr. Spook (commenting) : The lobsters in the ship’s aquarium have also experienced severe hyperventilating problems ever since that painting was unveiled, Captain.

Captain Quirk: All right, Scatty. I’ll try to get ahold of Mr. Mumu or Officer Rockoff.

Scatty: I must remind you, Captain- that all of the ship’s men are currently in the ship’s theatre watching tonight’s UFC Fight from Alpha Centauri.

Captain Quirk: Damn. I forgot about that.

Mr. Spook: If you wouldn’t mind listening to a Volcanian observation of condescending superiority, Captain, it seems that all you earthling men ever think about is sex or sports.

Captain Quirk: I’m afraid you’ve got us there, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: And thanks to a temporary lapse in my Volcanian logical reasoning ability and judgement, I’m afraid you’ve got me there as well, Captain.

Captain Quirk (on telecommunicator) : All right, Scatty. I’ll try to get ahold of the ship’s communications officer Lt. Ucausehardonia.

Scatty: All right, Captain. I must go now. There goes another engine.

Captain Quirk: So long, Scatty.

Mr. Spook: I hope you can get ahold of Lt. Ucausehardonia because my Volcanian ears can feel a 7 year itch coming on.

Captain Quirk: This is going to be embarrassing asking a woman to fetch the Kama Sutra from the library, Mr. Spook. When Lt. Ucausehardonia comes here and finds us like this, she’s going to wonder about my sexual orientation.

Mr. Spook: My own judgement of your sexual orientation was made up the moment you suggested this bizarre exercise in physical gymnastics, Captain. I just went along with it because being a Volcanian, I’ll try anything once- a cultural tradition I’ll now be forced to re-evaluate in lieu of this particular incident.

Captain Quirk (on telecommunicator) : Lt. Ucausehardonia?

Lt. Ucausehardonia: Lt. Ucausehardonia here, Captain.

Captain Quirk: Lt., I was wondering if you could go down to the library and pick up the volume of the Kama Sutra located there and bring it here to my private quarters.

Lt. Ucausehardonia (in a sexy sultry voice) : Gosh, you’ve been feeling awfully amorous the past 24 hours haven’t you, Captain? I still haven’t recovered from your historical re-enactment of Evel Knievel penetrating into the Grand Canyon that you performed on me last night.

Captain Quirk (his face turning red) :
Actually, I was just wanting to finish reading a particular chapter I’ve never finished reading.

Lt. Ucausehardonia: Well I’m afraid the ship’s doctor Boner MacRoy checked that book out of the library when he left for 3 days vacation on the planet Orgasma, Captain.

Captain Quirk: All right, thanks anyways, Lt. (puts down the flap on his telecommunicator) : Shit! How could you do this to me, Boner?

Mr. Spook: So Captain, it appears that the good doctor has screwed you in more ways than one.

Captain Quirk: I’m… we’re going to have to go down to the bridge and set an emergency course to the planet Orgasma to pick up that book.

Mr. Spook: So we’ll have to walk the corridors of the Perverterprise looking like a kinky circus act in some Quentin Tarantino burlesque freak show.

Captain Quirk: I’m afraid so, Mr. Spook. I just hope that when we’re down on the bridge, the Federation doesn’t decide to hold one of their impromptu interplanetary televised teleconferencing calls. Where the whole galaxy will see us like this. Otherwise I’ll have a terrible time trying to explain this to the Federation.

Mr. Spook: To say nothing of your girlfriend, Captain.

– A vampire novel chapter
and Renfieldian episode
of Star Dick: Voyages
of The Starship Perverterprise
written by Christopher
during the period
Friday December 18th
to
Monday December 21st
2015.

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12 Comments

  1. Sabiscuit said,

    You’re killing me. This is too funny!!!!!! Of course, I loved it. xo

  2. Hyperion said,

    I think a whole new world wide fan club of Renfield’s version of Star Trek might pop up over night. It seems to have a little something for everybody in it. Hilarious hijinx and the names are equally entertaining.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Daniel. 🙂

      Yes, a whole new Trekkie phenomenon might emerge.

      Instead of going around saying “Live long and prosper”, they may go around saying a Mr. Spookian expression such as “Stay long with Viagra.”

  3. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    “…to boldly go where no man has gone before”

    Surely you mean, “to boldly come where no man has come before”?

  4. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    HA! Now this is a movie I would gladly pay to see! 😛
    HUGS!!! 🙂

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Glad to hear that you’d pay to see this movie, Carolyn. 🙂

      It’s nice to know that I’ve written a blockbuster. 🙂

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