Saudi-Iranian Relations and The Case of The Renfieldian Interpreter

January 4, 2016 at 8:26 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Saudi-Iranian Relations and The Case of the Renfieldian Interpreter

“So I’m now involved in diplomacy and peace-making efforts,” Renfield informed Amadeus.

Amadeus spewed the Coca-Cola out of his mouth upon hearing these words and the liquid went flying to the other side of the room where it hit the computer screen.

“God, now I feel like the Ancient Greek Titan Hyperion for some reason,” Amadeus wiped his mouth with his handkerchief.

Athelstan the butler and valet entered the room and started applying Bavarian Magic Mushroom Stain Remover to the computer screen.

“As you know the Boss,” Renfield was referring to their employer the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, “is quite concerned about the fact that his brother, brother-in-law and rival Osiris has been clandestinely involved in world peace- making efforts ever since his sub- atomic particles were re-assembled and put back together again back in Halloween of 2014. So the Boss would like to be involved in international diplomacy himself.”

“So, why isn’t he?” Amadeus started to cry over his spilled Coca-Cola.

“Well,” Renfield explained as Amadeus started blubbering away, “as you know, the Boss has been heavily involved the past few months in intense aromatherapy sessions to see if this will help him overcome his fear of garlic. And as such, he’s passed the efforts in international diplomacy on to me.”

Amadeus collapsed to the floor where he started laughing hysterically.

“I say, Amadeus,” Renfield sipped his whiskey, “have you ever thought of seeing the doctor and getting a check up to see if you’re bipolar?”.

Athelstan started vacuuming the carpet around the hysterically laughing Amadeus.

When Athelstan had finished vacuuming and Amadeus had returned to his seat, Renfield went on, “As you know tensions have been rising between Saudi Arabia and Iran over the Saudi government’s recent execution of Saudi Shia cleric Sheikh Nimr al-Nimr. Demonstrators stormed the Saudi Embassy in Tehran and set the place on fire. This past Sunday, Saudi Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir announced that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia was breaking off diplomatic relations with Iran and was giving Iranian diplomats 48 hours to leave the country. Saudi Arabia’s allies Bahrain and Sudan have likewise broken off diplomatic relations with Iran and the United Arab Emirates has downgraded its diplomatic team in Tehran. The United States government is as always overcome by paralysis when confronted with a crisis and the U.S. President is busy consulting the astrological birth chart of his favourite uneaten oyster to see what he should do about the situation. Into this diplomatic minefield, I have now stepped.”

The globe of the world in the middle of the room shook.

“And what have you done?” Amadeus asked with some trepidation.

“I wrote a Document of Understanding between the two countries and had it translated into both Arabic and Persian and sent a copy to each country to sign,” Renfield grinned.

“Who did you use as a translator?” Amadeus asked as he bit into a grilled cheese sandwich.

“I can’t pronounce his name but here it is,” Renfield wrote the man’s name on a piece of paper and handed it to Amadeus.

“He once served as a translator on a trip the then U.S. President Jimmy Carter took to Poland almost 40 years ago,” Renfield smiled.

“Was he the fellow I recently read about,” Amadeus reflected, “who when Carter said “I want to come to know the Polish people”, he translated as “I want to come to have carnal relations with the Polish people” and when Carter said, “I’ve come to help the Polish people fulfill their desires for the future”, he translated it as “I’ve come to help the Polish people fulfill their lusts for the future.” That was the guy you used to translate your Document of Understanding?”.

Renfield’s face turned red with horror upon hearing Amadeus’ words.

“Well, I suppose we should now prepare for war between Saudi Arabia and Iran,” Amadeus stated as the globe of the world fell off its axis and bounced around the living room.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 4th
2016.

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22 Comments

  1. ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

    LOL hahahaha … This is the BEST for today!
    Gosh … good that I was prepared with my magic mushroom Bavaria cleaner. Effective, isn´’t it? Even in Renfield’s household they have that product there. I hope Daniel had it too, by now.

    And I had to laugh so hard when Athelstand do the vacuuming around Amadeus. Oh, Renfield might be right on the bipolar thing too. Amadeus can oddly eating sooo much and never get fat. He can even laid any women with no weight problem. 😀

    Now, I would not want someone like Carter to do any translation for me. You know, the English tried their best to translate the Hebrew teachings too – it never really works. Instead to translate them in the right way, all the teachings sounded too erotic to some. No joke on this one – I got that books somewhere in the house … I got to find it again! LOL

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Bavaria Magic Mushroom Cleaner is very effective. 😀

      And Amadeus does seem to have a unique metabolism.

      That time Renfield tried to make out with Gong Li and failed, Amadeus got to make out with Serena Williams, LOL !

      And there are lots of problems in translation. So the English made the Hebrew sound more erotic than it is, eh?

      No wonder Orson Welles and I love the King James Bible so well. 😀

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        hahaha … Yes, I remembered that story very well when Renfield found Amadeus with his face glowing and he told Renfield he got laid with Serena! LOL
        The best! hahaha …

        Yes, perhaps English language has its different idioms and vocabulary where else the Hebrew has the more riddle into their language. Not sure of the grammar, but I know that when the English did try to translate the Hebrew teachings out of the original Greek translation, it turned out to be too erotic. The explanations on the relation with God, for example, the Hebrews explained it was a marriage with the Ark – a marriage with God, to be one with HIM. But when it was translated into English, people misunderstood things to be too erotic because they cannot understand the means of Hebrew vocabulary has its own meaning. That was so awkward because when I did read that book, I understood more on Jesus teaching than before. It has hidden codes in their language too.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, the Hebrews used a lot of marriage symbolism in their language about God.

        And the English don’t really think about sex until after tea time. 😀

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Oh now I understand why they said that the English are so boring …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s the reason they said that all right. LOL !

        And all those repressed sexual desires and overdoses taken on tea and crumpets have led to the creation of such unusual anomalies of humanity as Mr. Bean, Monty Python and Basil Fawlty.

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Yes, pretending to be ladies and gentleman during tea … all those fake faces and the smiles … 😛

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And Teddy does not touch his tea and crumpets so Mr. Bean drinks his tea and eats his crumpets as well. 😀

      • ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

        Either Teddy is a real gentleman or that he is watching his diet. That’s why Mr Bean’s teddy is rather small. lol

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Teddy is watching his weight. 😀

        And Mr. Bean has the same metabolism as Amadeus.

        He can eat a lot and still have that “lean hungry look” so he can audition to play Cassius in a stage adaptation of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. 😛

  2. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    The way you ended this chapter (with the world bouncing around on the floor) made me snort-laugh! 😛
    Oh my! Yeoza, the dude might not have been the best choice for a translator! 😮
    HUGS!!! 🙂

  3. Hyperion said,

    Bwaaaa haaaa haaa! Thank you for the cameo appearance and my spewed coffee colored computer screen. Luckily, when I guffawed myself into a spasm at reading this clearly prophetic tale, I had put my drink down and out of the way. I’m learning. The magic mushroom cleaner works on any dirt except that in my mind. The head elves protect it like a teen collection of Penthouse Magazine. Excellent story. Gotta reblog this one for sure if you don’t mind 😀

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, thanks for the re-blog, Daniel.

      So magic mushrooms don’t work on cleaning out the dirt in your mind eh?

      So magic mushrooms make the computer screen clean
      but your mind still resembles exploded Orgasmatron machine. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        I blame it on the head elves. Their desire to preserve their comfort zone is legendary.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Sherrie has found a way to get her head elves outside and use them as lawn ornaments in her back yard magic mushroom garden where they guard the precious fungi.

        They’re always getting into huge battles with the evil lawn ornament dwarves next door who have watched too many episodes of History Channel’s The Vikings and are always going on raid and plunder missions throughout the neighbourhood.

      • Hyperion said,

        That is pure mushroom abuse. It has to stop before the crop is lost to plunder. Call out the Mushroom Militia! 😛

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Gunter Glockenspiel is on it.

        He’s the leader of the lawn ornament elvish Mushroom Militia. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        It’s a hard job, but someone has to do it. 😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, that’s always the case. 🙂

      • Hyperion said,

        😀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        😀

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