Renfield For President

February 8, 2016 at 7:43 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield For President

Renfield R. Renfield informed Amadeus Emanon that he intended to run for President of the United States.

Grinning like the cow who had jumped over the moon because Red Bull had given her wings, Renfield smiled, “A large group of American bloggers have been urging me to run so I’ve decide to accede to their requests.”

“But you weren’t born in the U.S.,” Amadeus pointed out, “you were genetically created in a lab in Britain.”

“So not being born in the U.S. is no longer a problem in U.S. Presidential politics,” Renfield smiled as he looked at a copy of a phony birth certificate the then U.S. Territory of Hawaii issued to Sun Yat-sen (the future founder and President of the Republic of China) back in the late 19th Century, “the current President may have been born in Kenya. The winner of the Iowa Republican State Caucuses was born in Canada. And as for being genetically created in a lab, 50 years from now, everyone will be genetically created in a lab. I’m just a man ahead of my time.”

“Your watch is 5 minutes fast,” Amadeus admitted as he pointed it out.

Renfield took off his Rolex and started winding it.

“Which party are you going to run for? Republican or Democrats?”
Amadeus asked.

“I’m going to run as a write-in candidate on both Republican and Democratic ballots in the various caucuses and primaries,” Renfield grinned, “who knows maybe I’ll win both Party nominations and I can wind up saving the U.S. taxpayer the cost of holding a Presidential election this November. The election can be cancelled and everyone in both houses of Congress can unanimously elect me President of the United States. The ghost of Josef Stalin will be so proud.”

“So what have you been working on?” Amadeus asked with some trepidation as he looked at Renfield’s computer screen.

“My TV campaign commercial for President,” Renfield smiled as he blew his nose into a handkerchief with Uncle Sam’s picture on it.

“Can I see it?” Amadeus asked.

Renfield touched the play button.

The commercial played.

Announcer: Today, America has become the laughing stock of the world…

(various short news clips are shown)

Bill Clinton: I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman…

George W. Bush: There ARE Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.

Barack Obama: The U.S. is winning the war against ISIL… that everyone else insists on calling ISIS…

(In the background, a video is shown of ISIS fighters wearing black t-shirts that say It’s ISIS You Moron! beheading U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry)

Hillary Clinton (as Secretary of State in 2012) : As Goddess Oprah is my witness regarding those emails, I honestly thought Benghazi was the name of a Jewish actor in Hollywood…

Donald Trump: Everyone else running in this campaign is a loser…

(A strong downtown Manhattan wind blows Trump’s toupee away and he goes running down the street after it)

Announcer: It’s time for a President of whom America can be proud:

(A clip is shown of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Rowan Atkinson asking Renfield R. Renfield for his autograph)

… Renfield R. Renfield…

… he’ll be tough when it comes to negotiating with America’s enemies…

(A clip is shown of Renfield sitting at a table right across from Vladimir Putin looking at him face-to-face and staring at him eyeball to eyeball)

(Renfield reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a gun and shoots Putin point blank in the face killing him instantly)

One of Putin’s aides (shouting excitedly in Russian): My God, he’s shot and killed the President of the Motherland!

Renfield (feeling around in his pockets and shouting to his aides) : Does anyone remember in what pocket I left my f@!?*#%^g cigars?

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that the world’s most dangerous drug traffickers such as Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman will never escape lawful custody EVER again…

(A clip is shown of Renfield standing on a precipice overlooking the Grand Canyon alongside Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman showing the Mexican drug lord the majestic beauty and grandeur of the Grand Canyon)

(Renfield pushes Guzman into the Grand Canyon)

Last words of Guzman on this Earth (as he plunges downward): Arghhhhhhhhhhh…. !!!

… Renfield R. Renfield will provide honesty in government…

(A clip is shown of Renfield at the podium at a press conference facing the media)

Renfield: I did HAVE sexual relations with that woman… (points) … and… that woman… (points somewhere else) … and … that woman (points elsewhere yet again) and… that woman… (women are seen scurrying out of the press room as the camera tries to pan in on them when Renfield points in their direction)

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that both houses of Congress will co-operate with the Executive branch of government to pass much needed legislation…

(Renfield is standing at the podium in Congress. He pulls out a machine gun and starts blasting away at various members. Some of the bullets ricochet up into the public gallery accidentally killing the President of the National Rifle Association who’s sitting in that gallery)

Renfield R. Renfield will make mincemeat of ISIS…

(ISIS prisoners are seen being escorted into the White House kitchen where the new White House chef Dr. Hannibal Lecter is awaiting them with a meat cleaver)

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that even the local economies in America’s smaller states are well stimulated…

(Clip of Renfield whooping it up with a bunch of working girls in a hot tub on the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada)

… Renfield R. Renfield For President…

… Because… you need him, America…

(Clip of Renfield sitting on the edge of a desk grinning and smiling at the camera)

Renfield (grinning and smiling at the camera): No red spider monkeys were harmed in the making of the hair on my head.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
Thursday February 4th
to
Monday February 8th
2016.

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44 Comments

  1. Hyperion said,

    Renfield will make a great president. I wonder if I can do a write in vote for him. I think I will. 😀

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, I imagine a number of WordPress bloggers will write-in Renfield’s name on the ballot. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        Bernie’s Toast and Trumpster is No Mas

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Behind every great President is an even greater dominatrix.

        Take a bow, Sherrielock Holmes! 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        That would be the winning ticket. Renfield and Sherrielock. They’d whip things back into shape every day of the week.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The entire country would be saying their name. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        Bwaaa haaa haaa! I would contribute to that campaign and pay an entrance fee to watch Sherrielock spank congress and the senate.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s probably the way to wipe out the trillion dollar deficit.

        Have Sherrielock spanking Senators and Congressmen on pay-per-view television.

        Millions of Americans would probably pay to see that.

      • Hyperion said,

        It would probably collapse the cable TV systems due to an overload. I suspect there might be a few other nations tuning in to see that. I can see Putin slapping his knee as he throws down a good vodka and sings, “Whip it! Whip it good!”

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un would be playing with his Long Dong missile as he watches. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        Bwaa haaa haaa! Yes, he is reputed to suffer from micro-weenie syndrome (MWS) and compensates by building ever-larger Long Dong missiles. One has to wonder what kind of payload he puts in his Long Dong. It sure has japan upset every time he takes a shot over their shores. 😀 He needs a good spanking too.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed he does. 😀

  2. Sabiscuit said,

    With all due respect, ISIS has a name change every news cycle. I can’t deal.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, ISIS has had more name changes than Kim Kardashian has had changes of underwear and Donald Trump has had changes of wives.

      • Sabiscuit said,

        That’s ridiculous, don’t you think? Not that it’s a competition, there’s a point just after barbaric and rash that defies description. I’m at a loss for words.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        A lot of people find satire ridiculous.

        Jonathan Swift’s opponents back in his day certainly thought so.

      • Sabiscuit said,

        I love satire, though. Kind of cleansing. xo

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, there were two excellent satirists in Canada- Johnny Wayne and Frank Shuster- who used to have the Wayne and Shuster Comedy Hour on Sunday nights in Canada when I was growing up.

        I believe they were quite often regular guests on the Ed Sullivan Show in the U.S. as well.

        They were brilliant satirists.

        The Smothers Brothers in the U.S. tried emulating their program in the U.S. back in the late ’60s and they were so effective in their political satire that politicians in Washington DC pressured the TV network to cancel their program.

        Later a writer/producer of the Wayne and Shuster Show moved to NYC in the early ’70s and created Saturday Night Live.

        So a lot of the great satire shows owe their influence to Wayne and Shuster.

        It was watching Wayne and Shuster while I was growing up that strongly influenced my own writing.

      • Sabiscuit said,

        I loved Wayne and Shuster. I completely forgot about it. I should try to see if there are videos on YouTube. That’s an interesting history about SNL. No wonder I sort of like it (not recently, though).

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        No, Saturday Night Live has gone down hill in recent years.

        SCTV with Harold Ramis and Rick Moranis and John Candy and Martin Short was another satirical comedy that owed its influence to Wayne and Shuster. 🙂

  3. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    HA! 😀 I snort-laughed! 😛
    Renfield is refreshing! Renfield in 2016! 🙂
    HUGS!!! 🙂

  4. Akanksha Krishnatre said,

    Good lord. That was so jocular and awesome. Absolutely loved it.

  5. ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

    I know exactly what will happen if Renfield is the president. He will for sure get rid of ugly people. LOL

    And monkey spider toupee fans! hahaha …

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