Pan Goatee Meets Zeus
Pan Goatee Meets Zeus
Pan Goatee was walking down the street enjoying a spring like day when suddenly a facially aesthetically challenged woman breezed by him.
“Ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee said to himself, “The 24-hour laundromat will still be open when this loser with no social life gets there.”
Pan Goatee removed his machete from his belt and hoofing along on his hooved feet he quickly caught up with the ugly looking creature and beheaded her.
A gentleman with silver curly hair and silver beard applauded him.
“Thanks for the standing ovation,” Pan Goatee bowed, “and may I add, you look very familiar?”.
“You’ve probably seen my picture in the encyclopedia and on TV shows on those rare nights when they actually show interesting programs on The History Channel,” the bearded man replied, “I’m the Greek god Zeus also known as Jove to some and also known as Jupiter to the Romans.”
“That’s where I’ve seen you,” Pan grinned.
“And you look like the god Pan the god of the fields, groves and wooded glens whose death is recorded in Plutarch,” Zeus answered.
“How did he die?” Pan Goatee asked.
“It was drinking some wine that killed him,” Zeus noted sadly.
“It must have been bad wine,” Pan Goatee decided not to enter the wine store he had been headed to.
“Surprisingly it was good wine,” Zeus replied, “the best wine he had tasted in his life were the last words he spoke before croaking.”
“Interesting,” Pan Goatee was enjoying the first handed historical account.
“It happened at a wedding in Cana of Galilee back in the reign of the Emperor Tiberius,” Zeus recalled.
“I must make a note not to attend any weddings,” Pan Goatee made a notation in his iPhone reminders.
“I really appreciate the way you’ve been killing off ugly women,” Zeus complimented the satyr, “these days it’s so hard for me to find a beautiful mortal woman to sleep with and beget some more demi-gods. For supposed progress in evolution like the Darwinists and Marxists assure us is happening, humanity has certainly gone down hill in terms of feminine beauty particularly in English-speaking North America where the application of sharia law and women wearing veils should really be applied.”
“And to think that idiot Donald Trump wants to deport the Mexicans,” Pan said in disgust.
“What fools these mortals be,” Zeus invited him to come with him to visit his son Dionysus’ bar where wine non-lethal to satyrs was being served.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 7th
2016.
anaatcalin said,
March 8, 2016 at 12:18 am
LOL, wonderfully humorous and super well written piece, dear Chris. So women in North America don’t please Zeus in appearanceโฆ Hmmm, I must say, I always thought American women are beautiful. But I guess Zeus functions by Greek standards (not my favorite unless we’re talking statues of male gods), so let’s understand him. Got anyone with a bad eye and evil thought for ugly men? ๐
Looking forward to the next.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 8, 2016 at 12:35 am
No, Zeus has different standards.
When asked to explain why, the ghost of Sigmund Freud said, “It’s all Greek to me.” ๐
anaatcalin said,
March 8, 2016 at 1:01 am
Hahahahahaaaa, so true
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 8, 2016 at 1:25 am
๐
Nicholas C. Rossis said,
March 8, 2016 at 11:40 am
Wasn’t Zeus Pan’s dad? Or is my sieve-like memory acting up again?
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 8, 2016 at 4:32 pm
Hermes was Pan’s father and who his mother was often varied- some claimed Aphrodite, others Penelope and still others Hecate.
Nicholas C. Rossis said,
March 8, 2016 at 10:33 pm
Ah, thanks for the reminder ๐
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 9, 2016 at 1:11 am
Hermes was the father of some very unusual children- Pan and Hermaphroditus. ๐
Nicholas C. Rossis said,
March 9, 2016 at 3:03 am
Makes you wonder what kind of messed up genes poor Hermes had…
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 9, 2016 at 4:03 am
It does indeed.
His DNA should have possibly come with a warning label. ๐
ัะฝัััฮนั โั ฮฝฮฑโััฮนฮฑ said,
March 11, 2016 at 4:56 am
A hoof god came from the genes of Hermes. Incredibly confusing because he is a god of messenger and patron of herdsmen and thieves … He has wings. Pan Goatee turned out to have hooves. Genes gone wrong.
But Pan becomes a great god of nature, but it is really confusing some legends lead to where Pan is also known as a nymph. So what is Pan, actually?
(โฟใแดฅใ)
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 11, 2016 at 5:18 am
And then of course, others claim that Pan is actually the name of a cooking utensil in which one can fry eggs. ๐
ัะฝัััฮนั โั ฮฝฮฑโััฮนฮฑ said,
March 11, 2016 at 7:19 am
LOL Indeed! Rounded face and metal hot when heated. Very sexy thang!
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 11, 2016 at 9:51 am
Very sexy thang indeed.
Renfield always engages with one for breakfast each morning. ๐
ัะฝัััฮนั โั ฮฝฮฑโััฮนฮฑ said,
March 12, 2016 at 8:35 am
Yes, sexy metal thang that can fry your eggs perfectly! LOL
wah hahaha …
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 12, 2016 at 11:51 am
ROTFLMFAO !
Sexy thang that can fry one’s eggs perfectly. ๐
As Renfield adds seasoning, I keep imagining in my mind these words being sung by the egg receptacle (paraphrasing a song from the movie Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid), “Sperm drops keep falling on my head.”
ัะฝัััฮนั โั ฮฝฮฑโััฮนฮฑ said,
March 13, 2016 at 2:06 am
LOL
wah hahaha … For real???
Oh my, goodness!
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2016 at 2:17 am
Of course the original lyrics of the theme song to Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid (either Butch Cassidy or the Sundance Kid once visited southern Alberta in his life – I forget which one) went,
“Rain drops keep falling on my head…”
Renfield just comes up with his own version of songs like he often does. ๐
ัะฝัััฮนั โั ฮฝฮฑโััฮนฮฑ said,
March 15, 2016 at 1:33 am
Renfield is a rascal! LOL
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 15, 2016 at 2:48 am
Yes, Renfield is a rascal! LOL!
๐