Pan Goatee Meets Zeus

March 7, 2016 at 8:44 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Meets Zeus

Pan Goatee was walking down the street enjoying a spring like day when suddenly a facially aesthetically challenged woman breezed by him.

“Ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee said to himself, “The 24-hour laundromat will still be open when this loser with no social life gets there.”

Pan Goatee removed his machete from his belt and hoofing along on his hooved feet he quickly caught up with the ugly looking creature and beheaded her.

A gentleman with silver curly hair and silver beard applauded him.

“Thanks for the standing ovation,” Pan Goatee bowed, “and may I add, you look very familiar?”.

“You’ve probably seen my picture in the encyclopedia and on TV shows on those rare nights when they actually show interesting programs on The History Channel,” the bearded man replied, “I’m the Greek god Zeus also known as Jove to some and also known as Jupiter to the Romans.”

“That’s where I’ve seen you,” Pan grinned.

“And you look like the god Pan the god of the fields, groves and wooded glens whose death is recorded in Plutarch,” Zeus answered.

“How did he die?” Pan Goatee asked.

“It was drinking some wine that killed him,” Zeus noted sadly.

“It must have been bad wine,” Pan Goatee decided not to enter the wine store he had been headed to.

“Surprisingly it was good wine,” Zeus replied, “the best wine he had tasted in his life were the last words he spoke before croaking.”

“Interesting,” Pan Goatee was enjoying the first handed historical account.

“It happened at a wedding in Cana of Galilee back in the reign of the Emperor Tiberius,” Zeus recalled.

“I must make a note not to attend any weddings,” Pan Goatee made a notation in his iPhone reminders.

“I really appreciate the way you’ve been killing off ugly women,” Zeus complimented the satyr, “these days it’s so hard for me to find a beautiful mortal woman to sleep with and beget some more demi-gods. For supposed progress in evolution like the Darwinists and Marxists assure us is happening, humanity has certainly gone down hill in terms of feminine beauty particularly in English-speaking North America where the application of sharia law and women wearing veils should really be applied.”

“And to think that idiot Donald Trump wants to deport the Mexicans,” Pan said in disgust.

“What fools these mortals be,” Zeus invited him to come with him to visit his son Dionysus’ bar where wine non-lethal to satyrs was being served.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 7th
2016.

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20 Comments

  1. anaatcalin said,

    LOL, wonderfully humorous and super well written piece, dear Chris. So women in North America don’t please Zeus in appearanceโ€ฆ Hmmm, I must say, I always thought American women are beautiful. But I guess Zeus functions by Greek standards (not my favorite unless we’re talking statues of male gods), so let’s understand him. Got anyone with a bad eye and evil thought for ugly men? ๐Ÿ™‚
    Looking forward to the next.

  2. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    Wasn’t Zeus Pan’s dad? Or is my sieve-like memory acting up again?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Hermes was Pan’s father and who his mother was often varied- some claimed Aphrodite, others Penelope and still others Hecate.

  3. ั•ะฝั”ััฮนั” โˆ‚ั” ฮฝฮฑโ„“ั”ัฮนฮฑ said,

    A hoof god came from the genes of Hermes. Incredibly confusing because he is a god of messenger and patron of herdsmen and thieves … He has wings. Pan Goatee turned out to have hooves. Genes gone wrong.
    But Pan becomes a great god of nature, but it is really confusing some legends lead to where Pan is also known as a nymph. So what is Pan, actually?

    (โœฟใƒ˜แดฅใƒ˜)

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