Donald Trump Meets Pan Goatee

March 9, 2016 at 8:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Donald Trump Meets Pan Goatee

“What’s an ugly looking woman doing in my dressing room?” Donald Trump screamed prior to doing a TV interview, “I didn’t ask for an ugly looking woman in my dressing room. If it was a beautiful looking woman, I wouldn’t have a problem. Beautiful is good. But what the Hell is an ugly looking woman doing in my dressing room? I shouldn’t have to face someone who looks like Hillary until the campaign after Labour Day.”

Pan Goatee astral projects from the back rooms of The Dionysus Tavern where he had been sampling some of the god Dionysus’ wine.

“Sounds like I heard the call of a red spider monkey fur toupee in distress,” Pan Goatee shouted.

Then he turned and saw what it was that Donald Trump saw, “Egad! Is this a blemish on humanity I see before me? Come! Let me cut thy head off. God. That was easy. I’m glad I didn’t have the same problems that MacBeth did in his nocturnal visions of daggers when he was contemplating bumping off Duncan. Duncan probably wasn’t ugly and that’s why those weapons of the night created such existential angst for MacBeth as a result.”

Trump opened the dressing room door and screamed, “This ugly looking creature is now bleeding out of more places than Megyn Kelly. Would someone get the janitor or cleaning woman… and preferably a good looking one at that to come in and clean this place up.”

Pan Goatee kicked the head with the accompanying ugly face far down the hall.

“At least that’s now out of your hair,” Pan Goatee said.

Trump turned to the full length mirror he had requested for his dressing room and used a banana shaped comb to comb his hair.

“Thanks for your help,” Trump turned to thank the satyr serial killer for his assistance but Pan Goatee had already astral projected to a movie theatre to watch the new movie Gods of Egypt.

“Who was that goat-legged man?” Trump’s question echoed through the dressing room.

In the distance could be heard an echo saying, “Heigh-Ho machete away.”

While the William Tell Overture played in the background.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 9th


  1. doesitevenmatter3 said,

    HA! Great chapter! πŸ˜€
    I have no love lost for The Donald. Maybe that thing on his head is a monkey! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›
    HUGS!!! πŸ™‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, that thing on his head is a monkey.

      And what he’s got on his shoulder ain’t no chip. πŸ˜€

  2. ѕнєяяιє βˆ‚Ρ” ναℓєяια said,

    Pan Goatee should leave his goatee-business card everywhere he goes.
    And he would always ended a conversation like …, “Oh, by the way, here’s my card. Call me of you need to kill any ugly people. I’ll be there instantly!”


  3. Hyperion said,

    I lost it at banana shaped comb. Love the Lone Ranger wink to Pan Goatee. Excellent series here. You really should publish an anthology of these stories. πŸ˜€

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, I can send an autographed copy of the anthology to the Hillarybeast with the inscription, “Beware of Pan Goatee”.

      And Hillary will ask Bill, “What did he mean by that?”.

      • Hyperion said,

        To which Bill will hum to the tune of Whackity Whack.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As Hillary does her lousy white girl’s impersonation of an Asian Dragon Sister dominatrix’s making of tomatoed buns.

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes, she gives all domina a bad name. I wonder just how demented one would have to be to enjoy her as president. I think 8 years without government should return things back to a normal range of chaos.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, America would do a lot better with KAOS’ Ziegfried as President.

        Maxwell Smart: Chief, I never thought we’d be working for KAOS.

        Chief: Neither did I, Max. But one of their boys was elected President.

        Maxwell Smart: But Ziegfried was born in Germany.

        Chief: But Max, no one pays any attention to the U.S. Constitution anymore.
        And certainly not our lawmakers. Besides Ziegfried was raised in Florida. And that’s why his mother never bought him a sled when he was growing up. And that’s why he chose evil. Because he never had a sled when growing up. So he gets to be President to make up for it. Charles Foster Kane had a sled when growing up and so he never got to be President. The universe has a way of balancing these things out.

      • Hyperion said,

        An excellent short story told right here in comments. Yes, idiotic government balances a lot of karma by spreading the just deserts of suffering far and wide.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Gorbachev was a Prophet.

        No need to impose the Marxist-Leninist idea of equality (in suffering and poverty for all) on America by armed force.

        He realized the American government at that point in time was such that they could easily come up with that idea on their own.

      • Hyperion said,

        I laugh but it’s true, no doubt. πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, as Jimmy Buffett sang in his song Margaritaville, “If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.”

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