What Connor McFinn Saw On Saint Patrick’s Day

March 17, 2016 at 8:33 pm (Folklore, Horror, Short stories, Short Story, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

What Connor McFinn Saw On Saint Patrick’s Day

Connor McFinn stumbled out of his house on the way to the pub.

Usually most nights it was the reverse.

But his brainless Irish-American nephew from Boston was visiting.

And to mark Saint Paddy’s Day, his brainless nephew had bought some bottles of American beer and laced it with green food dye.

“Faith and begorrah,” his nephew brutally murdered the accent of his homeland with the same severity that MacBeth had stabbed Duncan, ” ’tis a fine Irish tradition to drink green beer on Saint Paddy’s Day.”

“No, it isn’t, you moron,” Connor said in an exasperated voice, “maybe in America but not here in Ireland. Here in Ireland, we toast Saint Paddy with Guinness or Murphy’s or some fine local stout. This beer is an abomination and blasphemy against the Holy Saint Patrick himself.”

“Abomination and blasphemy against Saint Paddy himself,” his nephew spewed green beer out of his mouth all over the brown sofa with the same velocity as an ex-DARPA employee would spew bourbon and coffee all over his computer screen after reading a humourous blog post, “surely you exaggerate, Uncle.”

After drinking several green beers, his nephew lay passed out on the floor.

Connor had been forced to drink several pints of the abominable blasphemous substance to please his sister’s brainless son.

Once the misfit lay on the floor snoring away, Connor got up and stumbled out the door to head down to the local pub to drink a pint of Guinness and toast the Apostle and Patron Saint of Ireland the proper Irish way.

As he stumbled his way through the meadows and forests to get to the village, he hit his head on a low-lying tree branch.

As Connor sat there dazed under the tree, he noticed a bunch of giant snakes approaching him.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” Connor made the Sign of the Cross, “this is what comes from drinking a witch’s brew of green beer.”

The huge giant serpents with giant fangs approached him.

This couldn’t be happening, Connor thought to himself.

After all, the Holy Saint Patrick had personally driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

“Get away,” Connor shouted, “you’re not real. You’re a figment of a warped imagination brought on by drinking that Devil’s brew of green beer.”

Seeing as how the snakes actually proceeded to eat Connor McFinn in literal objective reality (although that concept would be disputed and denied by a great many modern and post-modern philosophers), his brainless Irish-American nephew’s green beer was a Devil’s brew from a witch’s cauldron indeed.

-A short story
and vampire novel
chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 17th
2016.

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30 Comments

  1. ѕнєяяιє ∂є ναℓєяια said,

    Eeewwww … green beer???
    It never work great on anyone.
    Just the same as green petrol for the car.
    The car puked! LOL

    I think those are weed beer. That is why it is green! LOL
    ✌.ʕʘ‿ʘʔ.✌

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, weed as in marijuana.

      It’s pot beer, man!

      Wow, a glass of this stuff and you feel so cosmic, man.

      It’s far out, man.

      I blew my mind, man.

      Wow!

      Now I can’t start the car.

      It vomited green petrol all over the place.

      Oh, now the man-eating snakes are eating me.

      Wow!

      What a bummer! 😀

  2. Resa said,

    A very good tale, & I’ll drink to it. However, I might just opt for a glass of wine! lol

  3. anaatcalin said,

    Great piece! 🙂 I find the idea of beer as green as witch’s face rather attractive for some reason. Maybe because I come from the land of vampires amd live in the land of Grimm’s fairly tales, reading the work of the world’s greatest comedy writer, Chris Milner 🙂

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Ana. 🙂

      There’s lots of green beer over here in North America on Saint Patrick’s Day. 🙂

      Maybe because we have so many green faced and grim faced witches here. 😀

  4. anaatcalin said,

    P.S. I’m pretty sure one day you’ll be as big as Grimm. Honest.

  5. Hyperion said,

    I thought everybody drank cheap imitation green beer on Saint Paddy Day. Well, except me. I drink expensive green bourbon. It leaves my breath minty fresh and isn’t hard on the environment plus it cleans all the coffee stains off the monitor when I spew it out while reading hilarious blog posts. Great one, Chris. You capture the popular commercialization and rampant consumer faddism of the greatest economy the world has ever known. Now everyone knows how it’s done. The Chinese are watching. They’ll have green beer next year. AND, it will be cheaper.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, everybody except the Irish drink green beer on Saint Paddy’s Day.

      And the Chinese green beer will be green tea mixed with bicarbonated soda water that Chinese leader Xin Jiaopang has taken a piss in.

      • Hyperion said,

        I always worry about those added ingredients from off shore sources.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, one definitely does not want to know what’s in them.

        Especially with those American politicians who order their toupees from overseas.

      • Hyperion said,

        Bwaaa haaaa haaa! Not every bargain is a good thing.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed.

        Back in the 1980s, Chris de Burgh sang, “Don’t pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side.”

        Donald Trump sings, “Don’t play the Hanuman (monkey god of Hinduism) until you part your hair to the side.”

  6. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    Lol – you’re in rave form lately 😀

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